Things found on a ten-year-old hard drive
Posted with an almost ten-year-old icon.
So, I found an old external today (USB 1.0, guys. 1.0.). I plugged it in, and it miraculously still worked. Here are some things that I found:
1) A bunch of completely unfinished fic snippets! These are all pretty much only opening scenes that trail off almost mid-sentence, but some of them are actually kind of okay. Too bad I don't remember writing them.
Due South
This one is "Cabbages and Kings.doc". Uh, implications of underage masturbation, I guess?
"Well, my uncle Tiberius owned a very similar trunk in which he had hidden some pictures of naked...."
There is a trunk in Ben's room, carved out of solid pine with wolves gracing the front panel. Though he was told never to open it, he knows precisely what it contains:
3 sweaters (wool)
1 pair of boots (leather, size 10)
2 pairs of heavy pants (34" inseam)
6 pairs of long underwear
4 books
1 Bible
1 copy Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass
1 copy Cabbages and You
1 blank journal
3 framed photographs
His father and his uncle Tiberius as boys, in front of a sled
His grandparents on their wedding day
His uncle Tiberius and another man, smiling next to a car
1 birthday card signed "Love forever, Johnny"
2 packets red cabbage seeds
1 pocket knife
25 unframed black and white photographs, hidden in a secret compartment in the bottom
It is the black and white photographs which interest Ben the most. He knows what sex is, of course - two weeks before his thirteenth birthday, on one of his father's rare visits, his father took him aside and gave him a long rambling lecture on marriage and moose, ending it with "You'll understand one day, son."
Ben still isn't entirely sure what moose have to do with it.
He knows more from the boys at school, but mainly, he knows from his photographs.
Ben knows that he shouldn't think of them as 'his', but he does, and he is not (really) ashamed. He keeps them in their compartment in the trunk, taking them out only late at night or when his grandparents are away.
The first is of a woman - the only woman in the set. Ben supposes she's pretty enough - she has very large breasts with perky nipples and short dark hair. Ben can't imagine what it would be like to touch a breast - he imagines that it would be soft and fleshy, and he doesn't think chests are supposed to be soft. He doesn't think that he likes breasts very much.
The next five are each of a different man, all naked and lying on the same bed. Three are grinning at the camera and smiling. One is sleeping. And one is mussed and gasping - this one is Ben's favourite. He likes to imagine himself there with the mussed man, making him gasp.
The other nineteen are of Johnny. Ben knows his name is Johnny because on the back of one, written in a neat script, reads "Johnny in the garden".
Harry Potter 1
This one is Heroes and Villains of the Modern Age.doc. No, I have no idea what the plot was.
“The worst thing about having defeated Voldemort,” Harry Potter thought, “is the bloody publicity.”
Harry was staring into the window of Gepetto’s, the newest shop to open off Diagon Alley. There were brightly coloured teddy bears waving at him and hugging each other. Small baby dolls were crying, and larger fashion dolls were standing in groups doing each others’ hair. Blocks were building and unbuilding towers in a random fashion, and there were lights turning on and off in the dollhouse. It was all rather fascinating, actually, and made him rather nostalgic for the childhood he’d never had.
Until, of course, he saw the battle going on in the corner. There was a little miniature him, running around after a miniature Voldemort. A Professor Snape was glowering, looking on as Ron and Hermione appeared to be practicing protection charms. There was Remus, sighing tiredly, and a Fawkes that kept randomly bursting into flame. In the back, Neville kept killing Bellatrix Lestrange over and over again.
It was appalling, really. Weren’t there laws about this sort of thing? Using someone’s likeness without their permission? Harry strode into the shop without a second thought, ready to give the shopkeeper a piece of his mind.
“Mr. Potter! Welcome!” A short man wearing bright red robes and a droopy hat shaped like a camel waved him into the shop. “I’m Jethro Gepetto, the proprietor of this fine establishment. What can I help you with today? Could I perhaps interest you in a self-performing puppet theatre for any young children of your acquaintance? Or this wooden zoo with lifelike exotic creatures?”
Harry looked warily at a dragon coughing up small fireballs, turned to Mr. Gepetto, and opened his mouth.
“Oh, wait, I know what you want! Dumbledore owled me yesterday to say you might pop in,” Gepetto cut him off.
Harry paused. “Dumbledore? What for?”
“Why, to pick up your complimentary complete ‘Heroes and Villains of the Modern Age (TM)’ action figure set, of course! They’re brand new, just on the market today. I’m so glad the good Headmaster chose me to make them! I’m honoured, just honoured!” The small man squeaked and ran into the back of his shop.
Dumbledore. Of course it was Dumbledore. “Probably yet another one of his ‘Morale Boosting Ideas’,” Harry said gloomily. He was definitely going to have a talk with him. He swore Dumbledore was getting senile in his old age.
Gepetto came running back into the room, holding a box almost as big as he was, and skidded to a stop in front of Harry. “They’re all here!” He said cheerfully. “As lifelike as we could make them, taking basic personality templates from your magical signatures. They’re all registered with the Ministry, you know.”
Harry didn’t, but he nodded anyway.
“This little guy,” Gepetto pointed to the miniature Harry, who was sulking in his packaging, “won’t do anything you wouldn’t. It’s quite a clever little thing, if I do say so myself. I invented it, of course. Applied for the patent just last year! These are the very first figures to use the system, and I’m so very excited!” He squeaked again, and clapped his hands. The box full of packages fell to the floor with a thunk. “Oh dear.”
“Are they... safe?” Harry asked, bending to pick the box up. “I mean, Voldemort won’t try to kill me in my sleep, will he?”
“Oh, I’m sure he will, it’s so very exciting!” Gepetto was now jumping up and down, and his camel hat was falling over his eyes. “But not to worry, not to worry. The toys can only truly interact with each other, you know. No harm done! Now, you just take those and put in a good word with the children for me, won’t you?”
Gepetto was practically pushing Harry out the door. “Thank you for the toys,” Harry said, not wanting to be rude, forgetting that being rude was the entire reason he had gone into the shop in the first place.
“Anytime, anytime! I simply can’t wait for the others to come. Headmaster Dumbledore said that Professor Snape was especially looking forward to them!” Gepetto said, straightening his hat. “Good day!”
“Dumbledore is definitely going senile,” Harry said as the door shut behind him.
***
Harry apparated just outside his recently purchased cottage, which just happened to be nicely in the middle of nowhere and unplottable, and walked up to the door holding the box tiredly in his arms. It was rather like holding one of Hermione and Victor’s twin girls when they were rowdy, and he kept almost losing his grip on it as it jumped and wiggled.
“Owl’s Nest,” he said, tapping his wand to the door. Why the cottage couldn’t just have a key, he had no idea.
He set the box on the floor in the living room, and went into the kitchen to put some water on for tea. Within minutes there was sickening thump, and he heard a lot of paper suddenly hit his precious hardwood floor.
“Oh no,” Harry groaned, and went to go examine his new possessions. The box had tipped onto its side, and Lucius Malfoy was desperately trying to crawl out of his package to get at Luna Lovegood, who was making faces and waving at him. Clearly, Harry would have to separate the “Heroes” from the “Villains” as soon as possible if he were to get any sort of peace.
He sat down on the floor, and picked up the package laying on top, which happened to be Professor Snape. Snape glowered at him, and looked like he desperately wanted to take house points. Harry flipped the package over. There on the back was Gepetto, waving merrily. He was wearing a sky blue robe with rainbow stripes, and had a working clock on his head like a hat which was currently pointed to “time to sell!”
Harry tapped his wand to the empty speech bubble next to Gepetto’s head, and suddenly the old man’s voice filled the room. “Thank you for buying one of the characters from ‘Heroes and Villains of the Modern Age (TM)’ action figure set! You won’t regret it! Just take them right out of the package and start playing! Hours and hours of fun! Just remember to keep the Heroes and the Villains away from each other if you want them to be quiet, they’ll settle right down! I recommend a box that closes very tightly. Don’t forget to mention Gepetto Toys to all you friends!”
He slowly began taking the figures out of their packages and putting them on separate sides of the room. The heroes, 10 in all, went onto his desk, while the villains (which for some reason included Percy Weasley wearing a Slytherin scarf) went onto his mantle.
Harry Potter 2
This one is just "Severus.doc"
Severus Snape hated teaching. He hated children; he hated lecturing; he hated marking; he hated his coworkers; he hated imbeciles who just wouldn’t learn. He quite like scaring the children and issuing detentions, though.
Even more than teaching, Severus Snape hated Harry Potter. He hated his father; he hated his godfather; he hated the way he got away with everything; he hated his cute little button nose. Not that he’d ever noticed it was cute, although he did once notice it was rather buttonish after Longbottom managed to burn all the buttons off his left sleeve.
Which was why when Albus called him into his office and said “I want you to teach Harry Potter”, Severus threw a hissy-fit. Not that he would’ve called it a hissy-fit (he thought he was giving very reasonable debate), although doubtless that’s how Albus later related the story to Minerva.
Severus did have a valid reason for not wanting to teach Harry Potter. The last time Albus had ordered him to teach Harry, Harry had entered a very private penseive. Upon which Harry had seen Severus’s most embarrassing moment ever, where it was revealed to the entire school (including his close cousin Augustus) that he never actually washed his pants like Mother ordered him to. It was a moment that Severus refused to think about, to this very day.
“No,” Severus said. “I refuse to teach that moronic invasive brat anything.”
“Severus, please. You know as well as I do that occlumency could very well be a skill which will help us win this war. We can’t afford another incident like what happened this spring.”
“No. He is moronic, invasive, and a brat. I won’t teach him a single thing until he learns some manners.” Severus debated stomping his foot, but decided that would appear too childish.
Albus appeared to be nearing the end of his rope. Severus had been repeating this same statement in various word combinations for the past half-hour, as Albus seemed not to hear what he was saying. Severus was going to keep repeating it until Albus ceased with his ridiculous requests.
Albus sighed. “Please, Severus? As a personal favour for me?”
“No. He is a moronic...”
“Severus, if you don’t do this, you’re fired.”
Severus shrugged. “I’ve always hated this job, anyway.”
Harry Potter 3
This one is "no sex.doc", but should probably be called "fanon draco.doc".
“...and then the Head of Department, who has never spoken to me before in the six months I’ve been working for him, comes storming over to my cubicle informing me that I hadn’t turned in the ‘extremely important paper on muggle communication devices and their uses in the wizarding world’ today. It’s been on his desk since last week! Last week! He...”
“Ron. Mate. Calm down. You are stressing over this far, far too much,” Harry stated to his ranting friend.
“You really are,” Draco agreed.
“You’re working too much.”
“I am not!” Ron looked indignant.
“You’re working 14 hour days 6 days a week, and you’re not even getting overtime,” Harry stated.
“Well, I...”
Draco cut him off. “The last time you went clubbing with us was over 3 months ago. You haven’t been on a date since Brown dumped you for Ernie McMillan and Granger and Krum finally tied the knot.”
“Almost a year ago,” Harry supplied.
“I...”
“It took Harry a week of nagging to even get you to meet us for lunch today. And Merlin knows the last time you had a shag. Weasley, you’re turning into your brother,” Draco said with a sneer.
“Percy,” Harry clarified.
“I am not turning into Percy! I... I do things besides work! I read a book, just last week!”
“A book on muggle communication devices?”
Ron flushed.
“What you need, is a right good shafting,” Draco pronounced. “But, sadly, you won’t admit to the charms of the better sex so we’ll just have to find you a girl.”
Other bits of fic found that aren't coherent enough to post include one where Naomi Sandburg was a Bond girl and guess who was Blair's dad, notes for a massive Gundam Wing post-apocalyptic sci-fi AU epic, and a bunch of Farscape songfics.
2) Lots of old pictures! Both ones I actually took (and re-sized to be tiny), and lots of old fandom pictures I saved and carefully sorted into folders.
3) All the poetry I wrote in high school and put up on a Geocities site. You can find that on the Wayback Machine if you really want to read it, because... yeah.
4) All the files for one of the versions of said website. Check out the ugly logo.
Seriously, gah. On every level.
5) A bunch of files of me singing along to songs into my computer's microphone, half of which seem to be 80s cartoon themes. I'm not posting those.
Well, that made my evening entertaining. How as yours?
comments on Dreamwidth
So, I found an old external today (USB 1.0, guys. 1.0.). I plugged it in, and it miraculously still worked. Here are some things that I found:
1) A bunch of completely unfinished fic snippets! These are all pretty much only opening scenes that trail off almost mid-sentence, but some of them are actually kind of okay. Too bad I don't remember writing them.
Due South
This one is "Cabbages and Kings.doc". Uh, implications of underage masturbation, I guess?
"Well, my uncle Tiberius owned a very similar trunk in which he had hidden some pictures of naked...."
There is a trunk in Ben's room, carved out of solid pine with wolves gracing the front panel. Though he was told never to open it, he knows precisely what it contains:
3 sweaters (wool)
1 pair of boots (leather, size 10)
2 pairs of heavy pants (34" inseam)
6 pairs of long underwear
4 books
1 Bible
1 copy Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass
1 copy Cabbages and You
1 blank journal
3 framed photographs
His father and his uncle Tiberius as boys, in front of a sled
His grandparents on their wedding day
His uncle Tiberius and another man, smiling next to a car
1 birthday card signed "Love forever, Johnny"
2 packets red cabbage seeds
1 pocket knife
25 unframed black and white photographs, hidden in a secret compartment in the bottom
It is the black and white photographs which interest Ben the most. He knows what sex is, of course - two weeks before his thirteenth birthday, on one of his father's rare visits, his father took him aside and gave him a long rambling lecture on marriage and moose, ending it with "You'll understand one day, son."
Ben still isn't entirely sure what moose have to do with it.
He knows more from the boys at school, but mainly, he knows from his photographs.
Ben knows that he shouldn't think of them as 'his', but he does, and he is not (really) ashamed. He keeps them in their compartment in the trunk, taking them out only late at night or when his grandparents are away.
The first is of a woman - the only woman in the set. Ben supposes she's pretty enough - she has very large breasts with perky nipples and short dark hair. Ben can't imagine what it would be like to touch a breast - he imagines that it would be soft and fleshy, and he doesn't think chests are supposed to be soft. He doesn't think that he likes breasts very much.
The next five are each of a different man, all naked and lying on the same bed. Three are grinning at the camera and smiling. One is sleeping. And one is mussed and gasping - this one is Ben's favourite. He likes to imagine himself there with the mussed man, making him gasp.
The other nineteen are of Johnny. Ben knows his name is Johnny because on the back of one, written in a neat script, reads "Johnny in the garden".
Harry Potter 1
This one is Heroes and Villains of the Modern Age.doc. No, I have no idea what the plot was.
“The worst thing about having defeated Voldemort,” Harry Potter thought, “is the bloody publicity.”
Harry was staring into the window of Gepetto’s, the newest shop to open off Diagon Alley. There were brightly coloured teddy bears waving at him and hugging each other. Small baby dolls were crying, and larger fashion dolls were standing in groups doing each others’ hair. Blocks were building and unbuilding towers in a random fashion, and there were lights turning on and off in the dollhouse. It was all rather fascinating, actually, and made him rather nostalgic for the childhood he’d never had.
Until, of course, he saw the battle going on in the corner. There was a little miniature him, running around after a miniature Voldemort. A Professor Snape was glowering, looking on as Ron and Hermione appeared to be practicing protection charms. There was Remus, sighing tiredly, and a Fawkes that kept randomly bursting into flame. In the back, Neville kept killing Bellatrix Lestrange over and over again.
It was appalling, really. Weren’t there laws about this sort of thing? Using someone’s likeness without their permission? Harry strode into the shop without a second thought, ready to give the shopkeeper a piece of his mind.
“Mr. Potter! Welcome!” A short man wearing bright red robes and a droopy hat shaped like a camel waved him into the shop. “I’m Jethro Gepetto, the proprietor of this fine establishment. What can I help you with today? Could I perhaps interest you in a self-performing puppet theatre for any young children of your acquaintance? Or this wooden zoo with lifelike exotic creatures?”
Harry looked warily at a dragon coughing up small fireballs, turned to Mr. Gepetto, and opened his mouth.
“Oh, wait, I know what you want! Dumbledore owled me yesterday to say you might pop in,” Gepetto cut him off.
Harry paused. “Dumbledore? What for?”
“Why, to pick up your complimentary complete ‘Heroes and Villains of the Modern Age (TM)’ action figure set, of course! They’re brand new, just on the market today. I’m so glad the good Headmaster chose me to make them! I’m honoured, just honoured!” The small man squeaked and ran into the back of his shop.
Dumbledore. Of course it was Dumbledore. “Probably yet another one of his ‘Morale Boosting Ideas’,” Harry said gloomily. He was definitely going to have a talk with him. He swore Dumbledore was getting senile in his old age.
Gepetto came running back into the room, holding a box almost as big as he was, and skidded to a stop in front of Harry. “They’re all here!” He said cheerfully. “As lifelike as we could make them, taking basic personality templates from your magical signatures. They’re all registered with the Ministry, you know.”
Harry didn’t, but he nodded anyway.
“This little guy,” Gepetto pointed to the miniature Harry, who was sulking in his packaging, “won’t do anything you wouldn’t. It’s quite a clever little thing, if I do say so myself. I invented it, of course. Applied for the patent just last year! These are the very first figures to use the system, and I’m so very excited!” He squeaked again, and clapped his hands. The box full of packages fell to the floor with a thunk. “Oh dear.”
“Are they... safe?” Harry asked, bending to pick the box up. “I mean, Voldemort won’t try to kill me in my sleep, will he?”
“Oh, I’m sure he will, it’s so very exciting!” Gepetto was now jumping up and down, and his camel hat was falling over his eyes. “But not to worry, not to worry. The toys can only truly interact with each other, you know. No harm done! Now, you just take those and put in a good word with the children for me, won’t you?”
Gepetto was practically pushing Harry out the door. “Thank you for the toys,” Harry said, not wanting to be rude, forgetting that being rude was the entire reason he had gone into the shop in the first place.
“Anytime, anytime! I simply can’t wait for the others to come. Headmaster Dumbledore said that Professor Snape was especially looking forward to them!” Gepetto said, straightening his hat. “Good day!”
“Dumbledore is definitely going senile,” Harry said as the door shut behind him.
***
Harry apparated just outside his recently purchased cottage, which just happened to be nicely in the middle of nowhere and unplottable, and walked up to the door holding the box tiredly in his arms. It was rather like holding one of Hermione and Victor’s twin girls when they were rowdy, and he kept almost losing his grip on it as it jumped and wiggled.
“Owl’s Nest,” he said, tapping his wand to the door. Why the cottage couldn’t just have a key, he had no idea.
He set the box on the floor in the living room, and went into the kitchen to put some water on for tea. Within minutes there was sickening thump, and he heard a lot of paper suddenly hit his precious hardwood floor.
“Oh no,” Harry groaned, and went to go examine his new possessions. The box had tipped onto its side, and Lucius Malfoy was desperately trying to crawl out of his package to get at Luna Lovegood, who was making faces and waving at him. Clearly, Harry would have to separate the “Heroes” from the “Villains” as soon as possible if he were to get any sort of peace.
He sat down on the floor, and picked up the package laying on top, which happened to be Professor Snape. Snape glowered at him, and looked like he desperately wanted to take house points. Harry flipped the package over. There on the back was Gepetto, waving merrily. He was wearing a sky blue robe with rainbow stripes, and had a working clock on his head like a hat which was currently pointed to “time to sell!”
Harry tapped his wand to the empty speech bubble next to Gepetto’s head, and suddenly the old man’s voice filled the room. “Thank you for buying one of the characters from ‘Heroes and Villains of the Modern Age (TM)’ action figure set! You won’t regret it! Just take them right out of the package and start playing! Hours and hours of fun! Just remember to keep the Heroes and the Villains away from each other if you want them to be quiet, they’ll settle right down! I recommend a box that closes very tightly. Don’t forget to mention Gepetto Toys to all you friends!”
He slowly began taking the figures out of their packages and putting them on separate sides of the room. The heroes, 10 in all, went onto his desk, while the villains (which for some reason included Percy Weasley wearing a Slytherin scarf) went onto his mantle.
Harry Potter 2
This one is just "Severus.doc"
Severus Snape hated teaching. He hated children; he hated lecturing; he hated marking; he hated his coworkers; he hated imbeciles who just wouldn’t learn. He quite like scaring the children and issuing detentions, though.
Even more than teaching, Severus Snape hated Harry Potter. He hated his father; he hated his godfather; he hated the way he got away with everything; he hated his cute little button nose. Not that he’d ever noticed it was cute, although he did once notice it was rather buttonish after Longbottom managed to burn all the buttons off his left sleeve.
Which was why when Albus called him into his office and said “I want you to teach Harry Potter”, Severus threw a hissy-fit. Not that he would’ve called it a hissy-fit (he thought he was giving very reasonable debate), although doubtless that’s how Albus later related the story to Minerva.
Severus did have a valid reason for not wanting to teach Harry Potter. The last time Albus had ordered him to teach Harry, Harry had entered a very private penseive. Upon which Harry had seen Severus’s most embarrassing moment ever, where it was revealed to the entire school (including his close cousin Augustus) that he never actually washed his pants like Mother ordered him to. It was a moment that Severus refused to think about, to this very day.
“No,” Severus said. “I refuse to teach that moronic invasive brat anything.”
“Severus, please. You know as well as I do that occlumency could very well be a skill which will help us win this war. We can’t afford another incident like what happened this spring.”
“No. He is moronic, invasive, and a brat. I won’t teach him a single thing until he learns some manners.” Severus debated stomping his foot, but decided that would appear too childish.
Albus appeared to be nearing the end of his rope. Severus had been repeating this same statement in various word combinations for the past half-hour, as Albus seemed not to hear what he was saying. Severus was going to keep repeating it until Albus ceased with his ridiculous requests.
Albus sighed. “Please, Severus? As a personal favour for me?”
“No. He is a moronic...”
“Severus, if you don’t do this, you’re fired.”
Severus shrugged. “I’ve always hated this job, anyway.”
Harry Potter 3
This one is "no sex.doc", but should probably be called "fanon draco.doc".
“...and then the Head of Department, who has never spoken to me before in the six months I’ve been working for him, comes storming over to my cubicle informing me that I hadn’t turned in the ‘extremely important paper on muggle communication devices and their uses in the wizarding world’ today. It’s been on his desk since last week! Last week! He...”
“Ron. Mate. Calm down. You are stressing over this far, far too much,” Harry stated to his ranting friend.
“You really are,” Draco agreed.
“You’re working too much.”
“I am not!” Ron looked indignant.
“You’re working 14 hour days 6 days a week, and you’re not even getting overtime,” Harry stated.
“Well, I...”
Draco cut him off. “The last time you went clubbing with us was over 3 months ago. You haven’t been on a date since Brown dumped you for Ernie McMillan and Granger and Krum finally tied the knot.”
“Almost a year ago,” Harry supplied.
“I...”
“It took Harry a week of nagging to even get you to meet us for lunch today. And Merlin knows the last time you had a shag. Weasley, you’re turning into your brother,” Draco said with a sneer.
“Percy,” Harry clarified.
“I am not turning into Percy! I... I do things besides work! I read a book, just last week!”
“A book on muggle communication devices?”
Ron flushed.
“What you need, is a right good shafting,” Draco pronounced. “But, sadly, you won’t admit to the charms of the better sex so we’ll just have to find you a girl.”
Other bits of fic found that aren't coherent enough to post include one where Naomi Sandburg was a Bond girl and guess who was Blair's dad, notes for a massive Gundam Wing post-apocalyptic sci-fi AU epic, and a bunch of Farscape songfics.
2) Lots of old pictures! Both ones I actually took (and re-sized to be tiny), and lots of old fandom pictures I saved and carefully sorted into folders.
3) All the poetry I wrote in high school and put up on a Geocities site. You can find that on the Wayback Machine if you really want to read it, because... yeah.
4) All the files for one of the versions of said website. Check out the ugly logo.
Seriously, gah. On every level.
5) A bunch of files of me singing along to songs into my computer's microphone, half of which seem to be 80s cartoon themes. I'm not posting those.
Well, that made my evening entertaining. How as yours?
comments on Dreamwidth