Fic: Finding My Way Home Started With Finding You part 6

[ladyrhyanne]

Title: Finding My Way Home Started With Finding You part 6

Jensen/Jared slash - NC-17

For a complete list of characters, warnings, disclaimer, summary and author's notes please see Master Post.

Jensen leaned against the doorframe and silently watched as Jared bent over the crib to peer at Nathan in the semi-darkness of his nursery, his little teddy bear nightlight casting just enough of a glow for Jensen to make out their son from where he stood at the door.
He wanted to smile; almost managed it, but it fell short. 
This is what he’d wanted. Jared home, his little family whole again, and yet it was a bittersweet victory. Jared wasn’t Jared anymore, and Jensen knew that when he looked at their son, all he was seeing was a little stranger that was his son, not theirs.
It made him want to scream in frustrated anger.
His body jerked forward as Jared reached into the crib and he had to grab onto the half open door to keep himself from crossing the room to stop Jared from connecting with Nathan. Their little boy seemed to take turns going from being a light sleeper to a heavy one, and from one day to the next he didn’t know if even something as simple as the dogs growling at a noise outside of the house would wake him. He bit his lip as he watched Jared gently stroke one finger down their son’s cheek and sighed in relief when he stayed asleep.
He didn’t want to deal with Nathan waking up and finding a stranger leaning over him, touching him. He knew their son would instinctively scream for Jensen or Steve to come and protect him and he didn’t want to see the hurt in Jared’s eyes because of it. Not yet. Tomorrow would be too soon for Nathan’s reaction to a stranger who was actually his father but if he had to choose between tomorrow or tonight, he would chose tomorrow.
Still, he felt bad for his silent prayer for Nathan’s continued oblivion of sleep because he was pretty sure that a part of Jared probably wanted him to wake up, regardless of their son’s almost assured discomfort, so that he could take him in his arms. And, as bad as the thought made him feel, there was a part of him that admittedly wanted to see Jared holding their son again. But it was only a small desire, not only for Nathan’s sake, but because it had occurred to him as he’d caught Jared hanging off every word Steve had said with regard to how their son had been while they had been gone, that he was shortly going to be facing another obstacle he was going to have to find a way to overcome, thanks to his and Chris’ lie.
First, forcing Steve to move back in with Chris, and now Jensen having to figure out a logical reason why Nathan was calling him daddy. Now, like never before, he finally understood why his mama always warned him not to lie, how one tiny lie could spiral out of control until he might forget exactly what stories he had told.
He took a deep breath to calm the burgeoning panic in his chest. If this was how he felt abbreviating the truth for Jared now, how would he feel in a week, or a month? He was never going to be able to keep this up, not just because he had never been particularly good at lying, but, more importantly, it ate at him because he was lying to Jared. 
So did he break down and confess everything now? Risk not only Jared’s hurt and anger, but also perhaps him freaking out because of what Chad had done to him. Or did he keep his mouth shut and smile through gritted teeth, until he could talk to someone who had a better handle on this kind of situation than he did?
Jared pulled back from the crib, turned, and smiled blindingly at him.
Jensen couldn’t do it, it was selfish, but he couldn’t risk losing Jared and Nathan because of his own innate distaste for lying. Besides, a psychiatrist had told them to lie to Jared, told them to do it until they could get him to a psychiatrist of his own, explain the situation to the doctor, and have him evaluate Jared’s mental state.
So not so selfish then, it was for Jared’s own good, right? Right. 
He was so screwed.
Jared slipped past him out of the nursery and into the hall. With one last longing look he followed him out, pulling the door three quarters closed behind him. He wouldn’t go near the crib now, near their son. As far as Jared knew he was simply the best friend, Nathan’s guardian and wasn’t supposed to be as vested as his husband was. But he would sneak back in, after Jared had gone to bed, and steal his own time with Nathan. And he would damn well ignore the feelings of being a thief because of it. Oh yes, he would.
“He’s so tiny.” Jared was leaning against the wall, arms wrapped around his own chest, eyes suspiciously bright.
He ignored the need to take Jared in his arms, assuming that his husband was upset because he had no memory of their son. Even if he had, Nate was no longer the baby Jared had known. It was also hard because, if Jared hurt, then Jensen needed to fix it. It wasn’t a want; it was a need, an ingrained drive that he could no longer bow to. Instead, he focused on Jared’s observation, hoping to reassure him of Nathan’s health, since that was the only thing he could do. “Not really. His pediatrician says he’s in the ninety percent range on the growth scale they use.”
Jared raised a hand and flexed it once before leaving it hanging between them for a moment, palm turned to the ceiling. “I could fit him in one hand.”
Jensen snorted quietly, not noticing them slipping into the comfortable habit of bantering. “I think you may be exaggerating there.”
Jared’s hand fell to his side as he shrugged and grinned sheepishly, “Perhaps, but not by much.”
Jensen’s heart skipped a beat as the last thirty seconds replayed through his mind and he had to struggle against asking Jared if he had felt the resurgence any of his old personality. Even if it had been momentary, because that exchange, and the look on his face had been Jared, his Jared. He desperately searched the hazel gaze across from him, looking for a flicker of recognition, and felt the hope he hadn’t even realized he had been harboring fizzle out when he found nothing but the same hesitant stare of a stranger, of Scott, looking back at him.
Stop it. He snarled silently as the now familiar fear that this was all there was now reared its’ ugly head once more. 
It had started during the long car trip back to Montrose, after every story either he or Chris had shared with Jared, and Jared asking for more details, small things that could have been forgotten over time but maybe should have come back, at least partially, as they discussed it. Instead, it was like telling tales about the three of them as kids to a stranger, a stranger named Scott, who had never met Jared and never would. He had to keep reminding himself that his husband had amnesia and that somewhere inside his head, the real Jared was hiding. That eventually he would re-emerge and that this state of being, this holding pattern, would not last. 
He had ignored the nagging doubts that had surfaced at this thought. He didn’t know anything about amnesia, not really, so how could he possibly form any kind of opinion about this? The only information he had to go off was from books and movies. He had never dealt with this in real life, so how could he know? How did he know that this wasn’t permanent? 
But these were defeatist thoughts, notions that he just could not entertain. Jared would come back to himself, come back to Jensen. It hadn’t been desperate hope when he’d refused to believe that his husband was dead and it wasn’t a desperate hope that he would eventually remember everything now. No matter how much time had passed.
He had ignored the naysayers for eight months; he could ignore them now, even if his traitorous mind was one of them. It would all work out. It would.
Jensen caught something like pain flicker across Jared’s features just before he reached up and rubbed at his forehead.
“Jared?” He tried to ignore the resurgence of his fear but it was hard not to worry that it was too much too soon and that this was a sign that Jared was regressing. Though again this was baseless, something he could not logically know, because he did not have any experience with this kind of thing. But fear was fear, and he suddenly found himself living with more than was probably healthy. “You okay?”
Tell me you’re okay. Tell me you’re okay. Please don’t look at me like you don’t know me at all, don’t have slipped back to yesterday.
Was that even possible? He didn’t know, he just knew that if that happened that he didn’t think he’d be able to deal with it. If he asked him who Jared was, or started to panic because he didn’t know who Jensen was, or where he was, Jensen was going to suffer a breakdown of his own. That he did know was possible. Not only was it possible but one hundred percent likely.
“Just a headache,” he grimaced, “I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I think that between that and all the excitement the last couple of days are conspiring against me.”
Relief and guilt flooded him in equal measure making his knees threaten to buckle. It was just a headache, something caused by too much going on in too short a time. Not a negative effect from over exposure to his life before Chad. Because of it he couldn’t help but feel giddy that he wasn’t losing what little Jared he just found but yet, on the other hand, he felt guilty for being relieved that he was finding relief in Jared’s pain.
“Want an Advil?”
Jared shook his head, “Nah, I’ve had enough pills recently to last me a lifetime. Think I’ll just lie down.”
Enough pills for a lifetime? He wanted to ask what exactly that was supposed to mean but wasn’t sure if that would be crossing a line. If Jared had wanted to expand on that he would have, and it wasn’t like he had the right to press him. 
Once upon a time yes he did have that right and maybe he would get it again in the future, but for right now, no.
He thought he had hidden his confusion, buried it underneath the truths he was forced to hide, but Jared must have seen something in his eyes because he managed a small, understanding, smile.
“In the beginning,” he explained, “even before they released me from the hospital, there were pills for pain, for sleeping, for anxiety. I’m just sick of them. Hell, I even feel like gagging if I’m faced with a vitamin.”
Jensen felt like an idiot, the explanation was so simple and so obvious. Apparently Jared wasn’t the only one who needed a good night of sleep, or a month’s worth.
Jared stared at him for a minute before raising an eyebrow. “So?”
Jensen blinked, suddenly feeling like he was the one without his memory. So? So what?  
Jared fidgeted for a moment, “I, uh, didn’t see which room Steve put my bag in.”
Room? Oh bedroom. “Right sorry.” He mumbled feeling like an idiot. For the last two days he had been comparing his husband Jared to this new Jared but when he had to remember that Jared couldn’t remember anything suddenly he was the one forgetting.
He pointed to the closed door along the same wall as Nathan’s nursery. Chris and Steve had decided that morning that Jared would move into the spare room, leaving Jensen with the master bedroom. He had no idea of the logic behind the thought but didn’t bother considering it too much. What did it matter what room was his or Jared’s when they weren’t sharing a bed? It was just somewhere to lay his head for a few hours and nothing more. That was the way it had been for eight months, that’s how it would be until Jared came back to him. It was just going to be harder now, knowing that Jared was just across the hall, oblivious that the bed was too big, that Jensen wasn’t on the other side of it.
It had been hard enough not knowing where Jared was, but now knowing he was physically only a handful of footsteps away, but mentally missing, was going to kill him.
Mentally shaking himself out of his thoughts, Jensen continued, “My room’s right across the hall and the door at the end is the bathroom.”
Jared nodded, “Okay. Thanks.”
Jensen forced a smile, “No worries.”
He watched Jared turn, take the three steps to his bedroom door and open it. As he took a step into the room he stilled and turned to look back.
He knows! He knows that’s not his room.
He wasn’t sure why that was, just that it was. But that was a good sign; even if he didn’t remember that he shared the master bedroom with Jensen, at least he knew it was his room.
“Goodnight.”
Again Jensen felt his hopes plummet, Oh right. He tried to grin to hide his disappointment. “Goodnight.”
He watched Jared slip into his room and shut the door quietly behind him.
“Shit.” He mumbled and hit the back of his head softly against the wall behind him.
This whole situation was going to kill him.
***
Jared hadn’t been lying the night before, when he had begged out of staying up and talking with Jensen more, he had had a headache. In fact, they had become more and more frequent over the last week or so and he was beginning to wonder if he shouldn’t worry about them. If maybe they were a sign that he was trying too hard to force himself to remember his life, the way he had the first couple weeks after waking up in the hospital until the hospital shrink had informed him that he wasn’t doing himself any favors. To just relax and his memories would come back when he was ready. What he didn’t bother to tell the woman, because he knew she would have had some medical mumble-jumble that would only frustrate him further, was that he had been ready then, just like he was more than ready now, for his memories to come back. But that was beyond the point, the headache had only been a good excuse to get some time on his own, because it hurt him to watch hope well up in Jensen’s eyes and then shatter over and over again.
He had only seen it happen a couple times in the car but he figured that had more to do with him sitting in the front seat than then the other man’s inability to hide his feelings. But, once they were at the house, he had caught sight of it happening almost constantly. It had started with the dogs and hadn’t ended until he had shut the door to his bedroom. It was almost too much. It wasn’t like he didn’t already feel like a failure for not being able to look around and instinctively know things, like the name of the dogs, or when he had bought the house, or which room was Nathan’s nursery, or his own bedroom, or the stories behind the pictures of various combinations of the three of them which dotted not only the living room but the hallway walls. He didn’t need to see his failure effecting Jensen so badly.
And yet there had been a couple times when he had thought he had felt something, some inkling of a thought or a memory while staring at a couple of the pictures. The first had been of him and Jensen in black tuxedos, with matching teal colored cummerbunds and ties. Jensen had told him that they had been part of a wedding party four years earlier. He knew it was a wedding instinctively, not that he had suddenly remembered being there, but because he didn’t think they had much call for wearing tuxedos. Staring at it though, he could almost picture him and Jensen smiling at each other, sharing a secret, just before they had been told to look at the camera. It was more feeling and imagination than a memory but it was something, something strong, and he wanted it to be more then wishful thinking on his part.
The second had been a picture of the three of them sitting on the couch in the living room. Jared was holding Nathan as a newborn swaddled in a blue blanket and Jensen was pressed right up against his side, arm resting on the back of the couch around Jared. It had looked like such an intimate moment, with both of them beaming at the camera, that Jared wondered if the feeling was because of the picture, or in spite of it. Was it a feeling, a ghost of a memory, or simply his desperate hope portraying it as such?
These were feelings he could have shared with Jensen the night before, had actually wanted to share with him, but fear had held him back. What if the feelings were simply a response to what he was seeing? What if nothing else came because they hadn’t really been there in the first place? He couldn’t do that to Jensen; build up his hopes, along with his own, only to have to face disappointment when nothing came about.
 He wouldn’t.
Still, in the midst of his disappointment for not instantly remembering things as he walked back into his life, no matter how much he told himself he shouldn’t feel that way, there was a bright spot. He had actually managed to wake up, not only in the same place he had gone to bed the night before, but he had actually slept through the whole night and that was something that hadn’t happened in his, admittedly sketchy, memory. Granted his memories didn’t even span a year but it was still important he was sure of it. 
When they had gotten to the house the night before and he had managed to convince himself to enter, well, after Jensen had dragged him across the threshold, he had surprised himself by instantly feeling safe. It was a feeling he had never experienced before, at least not in the last eight months. A feeling of just walking into a place and not feeling his back go up. Then sleeping through the whole night had only strengthened the feeling.
Jared jerked, he felt safe, not only consciously, but obviously subconsciously too. He felt safe and that he had a right to be there. 
He smiled as he pulled himself out of bed and grabbed his duffle up off the floor at the foot of the bed. He dropped it on top of the bed and rooted through it until he found his toiletries.
He had been so wound up in looking for big signs of the returning of his memory that he missed a small one. 
He felt at home. He felt safe.
It had to mean something, it just had too.
His stomach grumbled and he patted it as he glanced at the bedside alarm clock. 7:43 am.
Huh. 
He didn’t think he had ever slept past six am without the aid of the medication the doctor had given him. And yet, he hadn’t taken anything the night before; in fact he had thought that, between the pain in his head and his swirling thoughts, that he wouldn’t be able to get any sleep at all, but he couldn’t remember more than laying his head down on the pillow and taking a deep breath before nothing. 
It had to be a good sign, he had slept in, and he had slept all night. This had to be progress, it just had to be.
Jared nodded to himself and headed towards the shower, a resurgence in his confidence that everything would work out in the end lightening his step.
It was small and for now he would keep his revelation to himself not willing to get Jensen’s hope back up only to see it shatter once more but it was still something. Something good, he was sure of it.
***
“Nathan Ross, don’t you dare.” Jensen tried to sound stern as he watched his son’s lower lip puff out but the hand clutching a piece of his toast still hung out over the edge of his highchair tray.
“You drop your toast on the floor little man and there’ll be no Barney today.”
Nathan’s lip began to quiver as he pulled his hand back over the tray. 
Jensen knew that his son’s act would convince most people but both he and Steve had his number. Instead of the large tears and yells of indignation that the lip threatened, he stared directly at Jensen as he opened his fist, and the toast fell onto the tray as a buttery blob. Nathan glanced down at it before looking back up at him and he could swear he saw one of his son’s eyebrows twitch. The kid might only be eighteen months old but he was scarily smart and bull-headed. Jensen didn’t feel like he had won the battle, more like he had just achieved a stalemate with his own son.
“Thank you for not throwing your toast on the floor little man.” He smiled at him. Stalemate or not, he had to praise his son for doing the right thing, or the kid was never going to learn.
“Say-dee. Har-lee.” Nathan pointed at each of the dogs in turn. They were both sitting patiently at the door to the kitchen.
“Trust me little man, they do not need your toast. They get fed enough of their own food. Daddy Jared would never forgive me if they got fat.” He took a deep breath, this wasn’t the first time that he had used the term “Daddy Jared” but it was an abstract idea for their son. He had only been a little older than a year when Jared had left with Chad and probably had no idea who “Daddy Jared” was. But now he was going to be faced with the actual person, with Jared, and Jensen was nervous at just how this meeting was going to go.
In fact, he had spent most of the first hour and half after he had dragged himself into his bedroom the previous night worrying about this very thing. How would Nathan react to Jared? Would there be some vague sense memory of his other father and he’d take to him? Or would he take one look at his other daddy, his 6’ 4” giant of another daddy, and scream his head off? Jensen could only hope, if it were the latter, that Jared would understand, and not be too hurt by their son’s reaction.
Jensen pretty much figured he would be crushed if Nathan started screaming if he tried to get anywhere near him but, hopefully, this Jared, like his Jared, was made of stronger stuff.
God, did he hope.
Now was as good as any time to try to make Nathan understand that Jared was no longer just an abstract thought but a real person. “And now that daddy Jared is home he’ll know.”  
He watched their son blink at him, once, twice and then a third time “Dah Dee Gered?”
“Yes little man, daddy Jared.” He took another deep breath and knelt in front of the highchair. “You’ve heard me say daddy Jared lots and lots. Well, now you get to meet daddy Jared and I need you to be a good boy for me when you do, okay?”
Nathan reached out and made a grab for Jensen’s glasses, leaving a long smear of butter along one lens.
“Nate.” He groaned, “No, no touch.”
He pulled himself to his feet and walked over to the fridge. Reaching up, he pulled his lens cleaner down from the top and sprayed the lens once, before cleaning them. 
“Honestly Nathan, you’ve got to stop doing that.” He grumbled good naturedly as he checked to see if he’d managed to get the entire butter smear off his glasses. “Daddy’s going to go bankrupt buying lens cleaner if you keep that u…up.” Jensen stuttered through the last bit as a yawn took him by surprise. 
“Mhmm, excuse me.” He turned back and offered a smile to Nathan as he moved across the room and settled in a chair at the kitchen table. 
He saluted his son with his coffee mug before taking a long swallow. “Daddy’s going to be drinking a whole lot of this today.” He mumbled, before glancing back at the pot, reassuring himself that the fresh pot he’d started was almost done now that he could no longer hear the shower running.
I wonder how much longer he’ll be. Jensen pondered silently as he eyed the fresh pot, wondering if he should just forego the mug and chug the coffee straight from the carafe. And then start another pot.
Shaking the disturbingly appealing idea off, he stood and poured himself another cup like a human being. 
He could admit that he was addicted to coffee but usually it wasn’t this bad. Logically, he knew that part of it was a week’s worth of little sleep and nervousness at the thought of Nathan and Jared meeting for the first time in eight months, but there was more to it.
If he had gotten more than two hours of sleep the night before he would feel better but his mind had been full and swirling. It had started with reviewing the events of the previous two days and then he had spent so much time worrying over the various scenarios of Jared and Nathan’s responses to each other that he had almost been physically ill. 
To stop the churning in his stomach he had forced his thoughts elsewhere, not that any of them were any more pleasant. He was going to have to get in touch with Detective Roberts, the lead detective in Jared’s case, and tell him that, not only was Jared not dead but that he was home. Unfortunately that meant that he was going to have to explain to him about the amnesia and his and Chris’ deception. He didn’t know how the man was going to react.
Although he had always acted professionally, it hadn’t been a secret that he wasn’t at ease with his and Jared’s lifestyle. And no matter how irrational it was he could imagine the man trying to be all buddy buddy with Jared and sway him to the life of the heterosexual. 
At that point, Chris’ voice had echoed through his head, Jensen, you’re either gay or you’re not. It’s the way we’re born. It had been less reassuring at that point than it had been that night in the motel room. But still, it had been a reason for him to think about something else, if for no other reason than to not have to hear Chris’ trying to be reassuring when it was obvious that he had really wanted to smack Jensen in the back of the head. Didn’t matter that that had been the night before or, at the very least, the last time he had been in a bed, it had been evident then and made no less an impact, even as a memory.
Next, it occurred to him that somebody was going to have to contact the District Attorney and let him know. And then the questions of what would happen then started dancing in his tired mind. They couldn’t try Chad for murder because Jared wasn’t dead but at least, it was still attempted murder. He had confessed that he believed he had killed Jared and he had certainly tried to. 
So it would have to be attempted murder but how long would it take before it went to trial now? Did this mean that Chad would be able to get bail? They had him in the psychiatric hospital for observation because his lawyer was trying to go for the insanity plea. Now that Jared wasn’t dead would he keep doing that? It would make more sense, wouldn’t it? Would both lawyers want to speak with Jared even though he had amnesia? Probably, but it was probably against some law for them not to mention the whole story. That would mean it would come out that Jensen and Jared were married. Would that drive Jared away or would it maybe be detrimental to his recovery?   
Could there be recovery from this? Of course there could be. He was going to have to call Doctor Marshall and make an appointment for Jared. How long would it take before he would be recommended to a psychiatrist? Could everyone else be held off until then?
It had been those thoughts that had chased him into exhausted sleep, somewhere around two thirty, and had caused confusing and restless dreams that did nothing for his rest, until he had woken up with a start at four thirty-eight with only one thought in his head. He hadn’t called Jared’s family. 
Granted, he hadn’t called anyone since he and Chris had stumbled across his husband, but if he was going to call anyone, it should have been Jared’s mom. She had held fast to her belief that her son was not dead, the same way that Jensen had, only he didn’t think the idea behind her belief was the same as his. The point remained that he should have called her, knew he should have called her once he realized that, but had put it off with the excuse that the sun hadn’t even come up yet.
The truth of the matter was that he wasn’t ready for her, or the rest of the Padalecki clan. Not that he didn’t like his in-laws, in fact he could admit that he loved them, but they would come and whisk Jared away from him, he was sure of it.
Logically, he could understand it. Jared was their son, their brother, but Jensen had just gotten him back, and he couldn’t face the idea that he was going to be gone so soon. 
Honestly, any time within the next hundred years or so would be too soon to be without Jared again, but anytime within the next few weeks would drop him directly into hell.
But there was no way that he could tag along. Well, maybe he could claim to be going to spend time with his own family but what kind of ideas would that give Jared? They were supposed to be just friends. If he went home at the same time and kept showing up at the Padalecki house because he needed to be near Jared, what would that say? 
Thinking of that, his in-laws were going to be drawn into the lie Chris and he had woven on the advice of that psychiatrist back in Red Rock, and again he felt his deception cut sharply on his soul. Sherri Padalecki would never forgive him for deceiving her son, she would tell Jared the truth and, between his own disgust at Jensen’s betrayal, and her disappointment, he would never see his husband, or his son, again. His heart pounded harshly, because of course Jared would take Nathan with him, because he was Jared’s son. It didn’t matter that he was Nathan’s adopted dad and that that little tidbit would surface, along with everything else, he’d never see his little man again he was sure of it.
He hadn’t realized he had fallen into the same thoughts that had driven him from his bed at a quarter to five that morning until he heard a throat cleaning at the doorway to the kitchen. He glanced up to see Jared staring at him.
“Sorry.” He mumbled sheepishly, “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
Jensen blinked, and glanced from him to Nathan and then back. “It’s okay. I wasn’t actually thinking about anything.”
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
He grimaced at his own thoughts, before it occurred to him that Jared was no longer looking at him, but at Nathan, who so far was simply watching him back.
“Nathan.” He called softly and touched his son’s arm to get his attention.
Nathan turned his head to stare at him with big eyes, “Dah Dee?”
Jensen swallowed hard. Nathan wasn’t asking him if Jared was his daddy but looking to him for reassurance that Jared was okay. But he couldn’t answer the way he usually would, couldn’t refer to himself as daddy, because Jared didn’t know about that and for now, Jared couldn’t know.
Forcing the bile back down, he tried to smile reassuringly, “That’s right little man, that’s daddy.”
Nathan blinked once before turning to look back at Jared.
His glaze flickered to Jared too and he felt his heart clench at the sight of his husband holding completely still, barely breathing and waiting for their son’s next move.
“NO!”
They both jumped at Nathan’s yell and Jensen turned back to him.
He pointed at him, “Dah Dee!”
Oh shit.
He might be able to convince everybody else they knew not to tell Jared the truth about their relationship, and maybe get them to understand the reasoning behind it, but there was no way to make a toddler understand.
Fucking quack! He hissed silently, as he thought about the psychiatrist back in Red Rock, before he took a deep breath, and forced the smile back on his face.
“Nate,” he began softly, “little man. I told you about daddy Jared remember?” He felt like an idiot. Even if Nathan did remember he was too little to understand any of it, he knew that, but he had to try something, especially since he could feel the weight of Jared’s stare.
“Dah Dee upee.” If Nathan did even have an inkling of what Jensen was trying to tell him, he was steadfastly refusing to listen to him. Opting instead to reach towards him and open and close his hands rapidly, “Upee!”
Jensen closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing before looking up at Jared, feeling his shaky house of lies tilt. “Sorry.”
Slow tears were falling from Jared’s eyes but he shook his head. “It’s okay.” His smile was watery, “It’s been a long time Jensen and I get it.”
Jensen pulled the tray away from the highchair and laid it on the kitchen table. “Get what?” He grunted as he pulled Nathan into his arms.
“You’re here. Always have been and Nathan thinks that means you’re his daddy. It’s okay, I don’t blame you.”
Jensen tried to take the words for what they were worth but, as they knocked around inside his head, he couldn’t help but hear the accusation in them. The hurt, the anger, but he wasn’t sure if it was his imagination or not. If this were his Jared he would know it was his imagination but this wasn’t his Jared, not right now, not anymore.
Jared took a step backwards, his intent to leave the room obvious.
“No!” Jensen barked needing Jared to stay.
The sharpness of the word, the command in it, startled all three of them. Nathan buried his face in Jensen’s neck and Jared stared at him with wide, wary eyes.
“Wait.” Jensen begged softly, “Just stay.” 
Jensen nodded towards the other chair as he settled into his own. “Have a coffee and let Nathan get used to you again.”
Jared hesitated at the door, “I don’t know, Jensen.” He muttered low, as he dragged a hand across his face eradicating the tear tracks. “I don’t want to upset him any more than he already is.”
Shaking his head, Jensen pressed, “Coffee’s fresh and once little man’s calmed down some maybe he’ll let you hold him while I make us breakfast.”
“No, no, no.” The words were muffled; he felt them against his skin more than he heard them, so he hoped they were too indistinct for Jared to make out. He already looked like he was ready to bolt and being able to hear Nathan clearly unhappy with the idea of Jared holding him would probably be all it took.
He tried to smile reassuringly and tilted his head back towards the coffee pot. 
Please. He wanted Jared to stay, needed him to; it was the only way to start healing his little family. The only way all of them were going to get back what they’d lost, even if he was the only one who knew to what extent exactly what was missing.
Jared glanced down at Nathan, whose face was still tucked into Jensen’s neck and who was curled tightly around him, and sighed softly. Tentatively, he crossed the room, “Coffee mugs?”
Jensen leaned forward and buried his smile in Nathan’s soft hair, “Cupboard right above the coffee maker. Sugar’s right beside it and there is cream in the fridge if you want.”
Jensen held his breath as he watched him out of the corner of his eye waiting to see what Jared would do. Would he use the cream and sugar like he always had or was that something that had changed in the last eight months? He was kicking himself silently for both wondering why it mattered so much and because he hadn’t noticed the morning before, when they had stopped at McDonalds for a quick breakfast. 
He released his breath and shut his eyes as Jared dumped a teaspoon of sugar into his mug, happy that no matter how different some things were, some things were inherently Jared.
He looked up as the chair across from him scraped across the tiles and sighed, it was now or never.
“Jared?”
Jared raised an eyebrow over his mug as he took a small sip, “Oh God, that’s good.”
Jensen swallowed hard at the moan, now was not the time for his libido to wake up. For all intents and purposes, he had been pretty much dead from the waist down for the last eight months. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had jerked off. The only part that stood out was that it had been a hollow orgasm lacking everything but basic relief when it wasn’t Jared touching him. But at his husband’s show of appreciation for his coffee, he felt his cock twitch, and he had to bite his tongue. 
Granny Ackles naked, needles, mom and dad having sex…he was not going to get hard with his son sitting in his lap and Jared looking at him inquiringly but not sexually. No he was definitely not, at least not until he was sequestered in his own bedroom, alone.
“What is it?”
Jensen blinked through the fog, “I…I’m…well, I’m sorry.”
Jared shook his head in confusion, “For what?”
He bit the corner of his lip and worried it momentarily, “It’s just that, with the excitement of finding you after everyone kept telling me you were dead, and then finding out that you had amnesia, everything kind of slipped my mind.”
“What slipped your mind?’ Jared asked hesitantly.
He knew he was screwing this up, he had no idea what Jared could possibly be thinking, but he could see the worry growing in his eyes and he hurried to reassure him. It was better that he be angry at Jensen for forgetting to call his family than worried that they were involved in something illegal, or worse. “I haven’t called your parents.”
His eyebrows drew together, “What?”
“Your family,” he continued wondering when the yelling would start. “You have a mom and a dad.” He snorted at his own words, “Well, obviously. But you’ve also got an older brother named Jeff and a younger sister named Megan.”
“Huh.” Jared took another sip of his coffee and if Jensen hadn’t noticed the slight tremble of the mug, he would have thought that they were talking about something as mundane as the weather. “Are they here or back in Richardson?”
“Your parents and sister are in Richardson. Your brother Jeff’s a doctor back in San Antonio with his wife and,” he stumbled, almost said “our” niece, and shifted Nathan more comfortably on his lap to cover it, “your niece.’
He nodded slowly, “Okay.”
Jensen couldn’t help it, even though he knew he was tempting fate but he knew himself, had once known Jared, and needed to know why he wasn’t snarling at him, “Just okay?”
Jared’s gaze had traveled away from him, it appeared that he was looking at the stove, but Jensen doubted it. But at his question Jared’s eyes snapped back to his, “Yeah, okay.”
He narrowed his eyes; he could see something in Jared’s gaze now that it was focused back on him, but he had to be misreading it, because there was no way it was fear. “Jared what…?”
Jared shook his head, “Nothing.” He cleared his throat as he stood and walked back over to the coffee pot. “So, when were you planning on calling them?” He asked with his back still turned.
Something was off; more than off, something was terribly wrong with Jared, but he couldn’t even begin to fathom what it could possibly be. “I thought I’d call your mom when Barney comes on at eight. That way Nathan’s entertained for a half hour and won’t be making a lot of noise.”
He watched his shaggy head nod, “Sounds good.”
“Jared, what is it? Are you remembering something? Is there something I need to know? Do you have a question about something?”
Jared’s shoulders snuck up until he was tucked into himself and he stayed silent, still and resolutely turned away from him.
“Jared?” He tried again, his own anxiety peaking.
His voice seemed to knock something loose, as he could literally see Jared shake off most of whatever was bothering him, “What time is it now?”
He turned his head so that he could see the wall clock hanging above the kitchen table; surprised to see it was already five to eight, “Almost eight.”
Jensen looked from Jared back to Nathan, still tucked into his side. “You wanna watch Barney, little man?”
Like someone flipping a light switch, his son pulled his head back and grinned widely at him, “Yeah.”
He set him down on his feet and gave his shoulder a gentle push, not bothering making him wait while Jensen washed off his hands already knowing that his t-shirt has substituted the washcloth. “Well off to the living room then.”
Jensen watched him half walk, half run out of the room before turning back to stare at his husband’s back. “I’ll go get Nate set up and then call.”
“Yeah.”
Nathan had had enough enthusiasm when he had said that same word that, if the energy thrumming through him could have been bottled, they could’ve run all the electrical appliances for a year on that alone. When Jared said it, it was like he was responding to someone telling him they were sorry to hear someone he cared about had died, and Jensen knew that tone intimately. He had been friends with it for almost all of the last year.
He swallowed and pushed down his questions. He had no right to pester Jared if he didn’t want to share what he was thinking, at least not anymore.
Silently he stood and left the room, ignoring the need to take Jared in his arms and reassure him. Somehow, he didn’t think the offered comfort would be reassuring at all.
He spotted Nathan standing impatiently, hopping from foot to foot, in front of the still off TV. At least he was sticking to the rule that he wasn’t allowed to turn the TV on himself. Not that he didn’t know how, he even had a handle on the way to use the remote control, but knew he was supposed to wait for an adult to do it for him.
“Fast Dah Dee!”
Jensen smirked and shook his head. One day the lure of Barney was going to override the rule of no touching and a part of him wanted it to be today. Trying to explain to an eighteen month old why he couldn’t turn the TV on would waste a good chunk of time, would allow him to imagine that Jared and Nathan wouldn’t be going anywhere within the next couple days, away from him and back to Richardson. But his headstrong son seemed determined not to miss his favorite show and knew that touching might mean missing it.
“Go sit on the couch.” He tried to force some enthusiasm into his voice, although one of the last things he wanted to hear was the Barney theme song. Hearing “I love you. You love me” meant that it was eight am and he was about to lose all his family this time, not just a piece of it.
Sighing he turned the TV on and couldn’t help the smile as his son clapped and bounced on the couch as his favorite purple dinosaur appeared on the screen.
He grabbed the cordless phone off the side table and punched in the familiar number before he could find an excuse not to.
The electronic ring sounded like a death knoll in his ear.
Don’t be home.
It rang for a second time.
Please have gone on a spontaneous vacation.
A third ring gave him a flare of hope.
Just let me have a few more days with my family. 
“Hello?”
Jensen shut his eyes, what had he done in his last life?   “Hey mama Padalecki.”
“Jensen?” Sherri sounded surprised to hear from him and he supposed she should be. It was rare that he called during the weekday. The last time had been to tell her that Jared was overdue back from his trip with Chad.
“Hey, are you sitting down?” He forced the words out of a mouth that felt like it was full of cotton wool.
“Why?” She demanded and he could hear her breathing pick up. “Jensen, what’s wrong? Is it something to do with Nathan, with you?”
“No. No, nothing’s wrong.” He wasn’t sure if she heard his reassurance due to her husband’s suddenly loud voice in the background, asking her what was going on. “I just have some news and it’s best if you’re sitting down.”
He walked towards the back of the living room, in the direction of the door to the kitchen; vaguely worried that Jared still hadn’t appeared.
He heard a chair scrape on the other end of the line. “I don’t know Gerald, now hush!”
Jensen couldn’t help but smile, no matter what the situation Sherri Padalecki still controlled the household, regardless of what her husband thought.
“Okay. I’m sitting, now tell me.”
“Mama, I’ve found him.” He knew he was whispering, and knew she probably was having a hard time hearing him, but couldn’t seem to inject any strength into his voice.
“…Jensen?” She knew who he was talking about, couldn’t miss the edge of fear laced with hope in her voice, begging him to say the name she wanted, needed, to hear.
“Jared, mama. I’ve found Jared.”
She gasped and hearing her tears start was what he needed to push the rest out, not sure if it was guilt, because he knew what she was probably thinking, or because he just couldn’t hear her cry again.
“What Sherri? Honey what is it?”
“He’s alive. But…”
“But what?” She demanded ignoring the fact that she was cutting him off.
“Sherri, what’s going on?” He could hear the panic building in his father in-laws voice, and wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have told her to put him on the extension. It was too late now, there was no way she would wait for her husband to go to the other room and pick up the other phone.
“Shut up, Gerald!”
“He has amnesia.”
“Amnesia” she echoed back, “So he doesn’t remember everything? Does he remember anything?”
He leaned back against the wall separating the kitchen from the living room, “Nothing.”
“Where is he?”
He shut his eyes against the need to cry, “Here, at the house.”
“He’s with you and Nathan?”
“Yes.”
“But he doesn’t know that Nathan’s his son. That you’re his husband?” She asked gently.
“He knows Nathan’s his son.”
“What about you?”
“No.” He gasped then swallowed hard as his eyes opened and he strained to hear if Jared had heard him. He couldn’t deal with Sherri and lying to him at the same time. 
“Oh Jensen. Can you tell me why he doesn’t know?” She pressed softly and, although he knew it came from a place of caring, he couldn’t help but feel resentment towards her. What did it matter to her if he had to hide his feelings from his husband? She didn’t have to risk him disappearing if she told him that she loved him.
“No.”
“He’s close by?” 
He shut his eyes again knowing that any moment now he was going to lose everything but unable to stop it. “Yes.”
“Can I talk to him? I promise not to mention your marriage.”
Do I have a choice? He thought bitterly as he pushed off the wall and walked the short distance to the kitchen, ignoring the urge to beg her not to ask Jared to go back to Richardson. Beg her to take the responsibility of having to hide his relationship to Jared away from him and tell her son the truth.
At some point Jared had spun around and was now facing towards the kitchen doorway, his knuckles white with the strain of holding onto the counter on either side of him.
“It’s your mom.” Jensen forced past dry lips, as he held the phone out to him.
Jared looked at it, then to him, and then back. Gingerly he reached out and took it from him. “Thanks.” He whispered before settling the receiver against his ear, “Hello?”
Jensen couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stand there and listen to Jared make plans to take himself and Nathan away from him.
Focusing on not giving into the urge to run, he spun on his heel and walked out of the room, intent on sitting with his son and watching a dinosaur he couldn’t stand for one last time.
***

Part 7