Fic: Finding My Way Home Started With Finding You part 5
Title: Finding My Way Home Started With Finding You part 5
Jensen/Jared slash - NC-17
For complete list of characters, warnings, disclaimer, summary and author's notes please see Master Post.
Jared followed Sandy as she stomped into their hotel room and silently steeled himself against the raging he was sure she was about to do.
She hadn’t said a word after bursting into the room Sheriff Petersen had let him, Jensen and Chris use to talk, not even when it occurred to her that they would be walking with them, at least half way back to the hotel. He knew she hadn’t liked the idea, no one could have missed the look of disgust on her face; luckily, he had been the only one to see it. And then, as they had been walking she’d kept trying to force herself between him and Jensen. Admittedly, he couldn’t understand why it had seemed so important to him that he walk beside the other man but it had been a need that made him ache so he had gone with it, pushing her to move forward every time she tried to drop back to get between them.
So he was anticipating it when, as soon as the door clicked closed behind him, she whirled, little hands tightly clenched, and glared across the room at him.
“I want you to take me home right now!” She snarled.
Well, it wasn’t what he was expecting but maybe he hadn’t heard her right, “Pardon?”
“Take me home Scott. Right fucking now!”
So this was how it was going to go. Instead of dealing with what was upsetting her head on, she was going to start with ridiculous demands.
Good to know.
“First off, it’s Jared.” He said softly after counting to ten in his head. “And second, I’m not going anywhere but back home with Jensen and Chris.”
She stamped her foot, “No, you are not! They are bad people, Sc…Jared. First that Jensen attacks you and then they somehow not only convince the sheriff to lie about there being a phone call for me but then they get him to keep me out of that room with threats. He threatened to throw me into a jail cell if I didn’t give you guys time. Me! A jail cell!”
It hadn’t occurred to him until they were all walking silently back towards their separate lodgings that it had been odd that someone Sandy knew had heard about them being hauled off to the Sheriff’s Department in Red Rock, Missouri of all places. He figured that there had been something up at the department but now he understood the look between the sheriff and Chris just before the man had hustled Sandy out of the room.
Now he knew for certain. The thing was, he was glad that they had figured out a way to get her out of their hair for a while. It would have been harder to talk with her breathing down his neck but somehow he didn’t think she would understand that.
“Jensen attacking me was a misunderstanding. And, as for the jail cell,” he scratched the back of his head trying to figure out how to sound sympathetic. “Well,” he shrugged, “I’m sorry that he threatened you with a jail cell but, to be honest, you can be kind of pushy.”
Her jaw dropped, “Pushy? Pushy? So then I deserved to be threatened with being thrown into jail?”
He sighed, “I’m sure you would have been let out as soon as we were done talking.”
He knew it had been the wrong thing to say, even before it had come out of his mouth, so he hurried on, hoping to redirect her. “Look, I’m sure it was just a case of trying to make it as easy as possible for us to speak.”
Sandy shook her head, “And I would have made it harder?”
Fuck it. He knew this conversation wasn’t going to go well, back when he had first conceded, and allowed her to come with him. But it had been his hope that they could have parted without arguing, parted as friends, because he did like her for the most part. Maybe she was a bit selfish, a little too forward with what she wanted, but there was a good heart beating within her. After all, only someone with a caring heart would have taken the risk with him that she had. However, that didn’t mean he was going to bend to her will, not this time, not about this, not anymore, no matter how much he felt he owed her.
“Yes Sandra, you would have made it harder.”
“How do you figure?” She snarled, and crossed her arms tightly over her chest.
“Where would you like me to start?” He growled back, starting to lose control of his own temper. “How about telling the sheriff that I’d been attacked and insinuating that it could have been Jensen, or Chris? How about glaring at them until we were separated at the Sheriff’s Department?”
“Well, I didn’t know that the guy who attacked you had been caught now, did I?” She demanded, “He attacked you and I was only trying to protect you. And I’m not going to pretend to like someone I don’t.”
“And why exactly don’t you like them anyway?”
Sandy rolled her eyes, “He attacked you!”
He ground his teeth, “A mistake. And Chris? What has he done to you?”
She glared past him silently for a moment before her eyes sought his out once again. “He stood by and let Jensen attack you.”
Jared snorted, “You sure that’s what your problem is with them?”
She swallowed hard, “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Come on Sandy. How stupid do you think I am? You never wanted me to leave the ranch. You would have been perfectly happy if I’d stayed there for the rest of my life.”
She threw her hands into the air, “And why do you think that?”
“You wanted us to have some fairy tale happy ending, the sweet loving girl taking in the stranger with no memory and they fall in love and live happily ever after.”
She paled, “Yeah okay, I like you but I would never stop you from finding out who you are.” She whispered.
“And what do you think you’re trying to do right now?” He demanded not impressed in the least by her sudden change of demeanor. It was in that moment that he realized that it didn’t matter that she had helped him out, that he felt he owed her, he wasn’t going to let himself feel anything more for her, couldn’t because this Jared at least, couldn’t stand the idea of being manipulated, and that’s what she had been trying to do all along.
Jared watched her blink rapidly until slow tears started to trail down her cheeks. “I’m only worried for you and I don’t believe those two are good people.”
“Yeah okay.” He muttered sarcastically.
She released a defeated sigh, “Okay, so we’ll follow them back to wherever and you can…”
He held up a hand, “Wait. What?”
Sandy shook her head, “What what?”
“You still think you’re coming with me?”
“Well, of course.”
He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to remember whether he had ever told her when this whole thing started that he intended on sending her home once he found people who knew him but he couldn’t honestly say either way.
“Sandy, you’re going back to the ranch.” He lowered his voice, not caring to yell anymore, but ensuring he kept it strong, leaving no room for her to believe that she could change his mind.
“No.” She shook her head again, “I’m going with you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No. You’re not!”
“Well, you can’t just leave me here!” She hissed, “I can’t drive remember?”
“I’ll call Jeff to come get you.”
“Jared, you shouldn’t be going anywhere without a friend.” She pressed.
“I’ll be going with two friends.”
“Two supposed friends who you don’t know.”
Jared could feel his control on his temper slipping again, “And I’m never going to really know them, or anyone else, with you around!”
“What the fuck, Jared?” She snarled and took a step towards him. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“The way you acted today, even after we were told that they were who they said they were. You don’t like them, won’t even give them a chance, because you don’t want me to be anything, or anyone, other than Scott McCoy.” He felt like a heel for saying it but the truth was needed and he wasn’t going to shy away from it, not anymore. “And I completely believe you’ll act the same way towards everyone I knew before, including my family.”
“I already told you that I want you to know who you are.”
He nodded, “Yeah, as long as, in the end, I go back to the ranch with you.”
“Not necessarily.” She muttered, “Not if you don’t want to.”
“But you’ll do your damnedest to make sure that I want to, won’t you.”
Sandy shook her head in mock wonder, “What’s happened to you?”
“It’s nothing new Sandy. I’m just telling you what I suspect. What I’ve suspected all along.”
“Well, that’s nice, considering all I’ve done for you.”
“Speaking of that, why exactly did you take it upon yourself to take me in?”
“Because you needed help!”
Jared snorted, “No other reason?”
“I already told you I like you. What else do you want?” She yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.
“What I want is for you to go home.”
“Fine” She snarled, “Fucking fine! You want to do this by yourself, you go right ahead.” She stormed towards him but abruptly turned at the door to the bathroom. “But when you end up falling on your face because you’d rather trust Jensen then me, someone who you know has your best interests at heart, don’t bother calling.”
He sighed his guilt finally getting the better of him. “Sandy…”
She spun and grabbed the bathroom door, “Fuck you, Jared. I was the one who was there for you, not him or Chris. I’m the one who cares about you. I was the one who you took advantage of.”
“I never took advantage of you!”
“Yes, you did!” She had managed to work herself up into a righteous fury, the trembling in her body so bad he was worried her legs would buckle but he didn’t dare go near her.
“You knew how I felt, probably from the get go, and used it against me!”
“I told you I didn’t want to start anything until I knew who I was in case I had a family somewhere. That I couldn’t return any feelings in good conscience until I knew for certain.”
How she’d managed to forget their talk only days before was beyond him and vaguely he wondered if all women could do that. If they could maybe it explained why his son’s mother wasn’t in the picture. He just couldn’t feasibly see himself putting up with it for any length of time.
“You know what Jared? I wish I’d just left you at that hospital.” She snarled before slamming the door in his face.
Jared sighed and walked over to his bed. Gingerly, he lowered himself to sit at the edge, fighting the urge to call Chris and Jensen and ask them to come and get him now. He knew they would, that wasn’t why he didn’t even bother to pull the card from his jeans pocket. The problem was, he knew that that would be the one thing which would hurt Sandy the most and, even after everything, he didn’t want to hurt her anymore than he already had. Even after her telling him she wished she’d left him at the hospital, he couldn’t do it, knowing she hadn’t really meant it as anything more than a way to hurt him.
He picked up his pay-as-you-go cell from the nightstand between the two beds and began to punch Jeff’s number in from memory.
The thing was, he was beginning to wish she had left him there.
***
Jensen rolled over and plucked his cell off the nightstand between the two beds, silently berating himself for not expecting it. Jared had called every night for over a week. Why hadn’t it occurred to him that, just because he had finally found him alive, the calls would stop? Especially now that he knew that Jared had amnesia.
His gaze flickered to Chris as his friend muttered softly and rolled over to peer at him through the dark.
“Whosit?”
He started to shrug before catching himself; he never questioned who would be on the other end of the line any more. It would be Jared; it was always Jared.
“Jared.”
“I wanna come home.”
Chris seemed to freeze for a moment before he pulled himself up and perched on the edge of the bed, “What’s wrong? Does he want us to come and get him now?”
Jensen rubbed his face with his free hand. Before today, this is where he would start assuring Jared that he could come home, that he only had to tell Jensen where he was and he would come and get him. But now, now he wasn’t sure how to proceed exactly, because now he knew that Jared had amnesia and was almost completely certain that his husband was asleep. How else could he explain that, right now, Jared knew who he was? That he knew Jensen’s cell number? That he knew to call Jensen to help him get home.
“You are coming home, babe.” Jensen reassured him, “We found you Jared. We’re taking you home.”
The sound of Chris pushing off his bed and muttering angrily to himself had Jensen pulling his hand away from his face to find his friend pulling on his jeans.
“I’m going to kill her.” He just managed to catch what Chris said, as he bent over to retrieve his t-shirt off one of the chairs in the corner of the room.
Jensen snapped his fingers to get his friend’s attention and shook his head at him as he turned back to peer at him through the darkness.
“Please Jen, I just wanna come home.”
“What?” Chris hissed.
He motioned Chris towards him and then pointed at the bed across from him.
“You are coming home Jared.”
He kept up his end of their new conversation, while trying to make Chris understand to just wait by continuing to point at the bed. He needed Chris to sit still and stay so that he could commit all of his attention to the conversation with Jared. Now that he understood that his husband had amnesia and yet somehow his subconscious had found a way to communicate with him, even if he was sounding like a broken record, maybe he could get through to him. He just had to find the right words, or the right combination of words, to snap Jared out of it.
“I wanna come home. I want little man.”
Jensen’s heart thudded hard against his chest. Even now, knowing everything, Jared telling him he wanted Nathan still sent a spike of fear through him but he forced his panic back. It wasn’t meant the way it was said, he was completely certain of it, at least almost completely certain of it.
“Jared, babe, I need you to listen to me. You are coming home. Chris and I found you and tomorrow morning we’re heading back to Montrose.”
“Jen, please.”
He squeezed his eyes shut. This was a lot harder than he had first thought it would be. He had the urge to signal to Chris that they were going, get him to drive to the hotel four blocks away, find Jared, grab him and shake the ever loving shit out of him until his subconscious became his conscious. Logically he knew it wouldn’t work, didn’t even believe that Jared would remain on the phone long enough for them to even get to the car, never mind the hotel, but it was still a fight not to try.
“Jared, I know what happened.” He wasn’t sure if bringing up the attack and rape was the best idea but it couldn’t be helped. He’d already tried reassuring Jared that he could come home for the last week and nothing had changed, so maybe this would have some sort of effect. Distantly he worried it would have an adverse effect, though he wasn’t sure what could be worse than Jared having amnesia.
“But you’re safe Jared. Chad’s in jail and you’re safe. You have to believe me please.”
“Just wanna come home.”
Jensen could picture himself banging the cell against the nightstand in frustration and then asking Jared if he had his attention yet. Instead, he pressed it tighter against his ear, almost as if trying to make Jared hear him simply by trying to shorten the distance between them, illogical or not.
“Jared, listen to me. You are safe. Tomorrow we’re going to start for home, you, me and Chris. No one can hurt you anymore, so please, please, just let go. Allow yourself to remember. “
He shut his eyes and sighed in frustration at the soft click of the line closing. He had been hoping for something, some change from Jared’s end, some indication that he was being heard. Instead, this conversation had gone the same way all the others had, at least from Jared’s end, and he couldn’t help but feel that he had wasted his time deviating from his normal responses. But he had thought that if he’d managed to stay calm, kept the usual panic out of his voice, had remained reassuring and patient, that maybe he could have reached him.
But now, sitting listening once again to dead air, he didn’t think he had.
“Jensen?”
He met Chris’ questioning gaze as he reluctantly lowered the cell from his ear and replaced it on the nightstand.
“What the hell was that?”
He shrugged, “Basically, the same phone call I’ve gotten from Jared every night since this started.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that he tells me that he wants to come home. Begs for me to let him and then something happens and he hangs up.” Jensen ran his hands through his hair roughly. “Maybe he starts to wake up. Maybe, well I don’t know what else it could be, but…” he tapered off; really, there was nothing else to add.
“So you figure he’s sleep dialing?” It wasn’t that Chris sounded disbelieving more that he was having a problem following what he was being told.
At least that was what Jensen was going to tell himself because he really didn’t want to think that Chris wasn’t going to believe him about this, even after he had already been proven wrong in his belief that Jared really was dead.
“What else could it be?” He shrugged, “He knows who I am. He knows how to reach me. He knows that home is with me. And yet he has amnesia. It’s got to be something to do with his subconscious reaching out while he’s asleep.”
Chris stood and started pacing the room, “Okay, let’s say that’s exactly what’s going on here. What do we do about it?”
Jensen blinked, “Do about it? I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I’m going to keep trying to reach him every time he calls.”
Chris stopped at the foot of the bed and placed his hands on his hips. “It’s gonna get pretty fucking weird if he keeps calling you once we’re back home.”
He shrugged, “If that’s what happens then I’ll deal with it. If it’s the only way I get a chance to reach him then that’s what I’ll do.”
He started to grin, “You do realize I have a picture in my head of Jared on one side of the bed calling you from his cell while you’re asleep on the other side of the bed?”
It took a moment before either of them realized exactly what he had said and then they both tensed.
Sleeping arrangements.
“Shit!” Jensen hissed, as he shot to his feet.
Jared didn’t know they were involved any deeper than friends. It was going to be pretty obvious that there was something else going on once it occurred to Jared that they were sharing one bedroom and one bed.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” He ran his hands through his hair again as he started to pace the room.
“What am I going do?” He groaned, “Jared’s going to see the bedroom and know we lied to him. He’s never going to trust me.”
“Jensen.”
He ignored Chris as he made another panicked round of the room, “He’ll never get better, because he won’t feel safe around me.”
“Jensen.”
In his mind’s eye he could see the look of horror on Jared’s face once he realized that he and Jensen were sharing a room, a bed. Then it morphed into a look of betrayal, You should have told me.
Absently he rubbed at the pain growing in his chest, too concerned with the bleak vision playing in his mind for it to be more than a slight ache centered over his heart. “He’ll leave, he’ll disappear again.”
Chris almost pulled him off his feet as he grabbed him by the biceps and spun him to face him.
He shook him roughly for a second, “Jesus, Jensen stop, before you have a heart attack!”
“Don’t you get it Chris?” Jensen implored, “He’s going to know we lied and he’ll never forgive me. Oh Christ, he’ll leave for good this time.” His eyes widened, “He’ll take Nathan.”
“Stop, Jensen!” He yelled in his face. “Just stop!”
“I’m going to lose both of them Chris!”
The pain in his chest was no longer something he could ignore and, once he noticed it, he also realized that he wasn’t breathing, not really. Ragged gasps to drag in air couldn’t be considered breathing, at least not if his screaming lungs were any indication.
Not now! He thought desperately. He didn’t have time to have a panic attack, he had to come up with a plan, try to figure out a way to explain to Jared why he didn’t tell him straight out that they were married. He had to work out how to do this so that he didn’t end up losing Jared and Nathan.
Oh God I’m going to lose them. Oh God!
Chris gave him another shake, “Jensen stop!”
He was starting to get light-headed and had to lock his knees to keep from falling into Chris. He didn’t have time for a panic attack, later after he knew how he was going to fix this then he could have one, but not now.
“Okay.” Chris hissed, as he pulled him back across the room and forced him to sit on the edge of the bed. “Bend forward and grab your ankles.”
“Huh?” He blinked owlishly at him.
What the hell was Chris talking about? Bend over and grab his ankles? What the hell? He didn’t have time for this. He tried to push Chris off of him and stand. What was he going to do?
“No.” Chris growled and grabbed his shoulders. “Bend forward.” He demanded and pushed down on him.
“Not now Chris!” He panted out.
“Yes now!” He snarled back, “You’re in the middle of a panic attack. Now bend over and try to breathe deep!”
Jensen glared up at him but gave into his demand, figuring the sooner he did what Chris wanted, the sooner he’d help him, instead of hindering him.
“What am I gonna do, Chris?” He panted out.
Chris knelt down and tilted his head so that he could peer up at Jensen. “First, you’re going to calm down and then you’re going to listen to me.”
Jensen narrowed his eyes in annoyance but continued to fight the tightening in his chest, forcing large gulps of air into his lungs.
Chris watched him silently for a moment before he nodded once sharply. “Better.” He grumbled and stood back up.
“Okay, this is what’s going to happen.”
Jensen sat back up and watched Chris strip off his jeans before crawling back into his bed.
“Well?” He grumbled, ignoring the still breathless quality to his voice.
“First, you’re going to stop acting like a girl.”
“Fuck off, Kane!”
Chris punched his pillow into a more comfortable lump before relaxing back, “You know I’d be insulted if you still didn’t sound like you’re eighty.” He waved a hand at Jensen to stop him from retorting. “Second, in about,” he pulled his watch off the nightstand and peered at it. “Three hours, roughly six am, before you ask, I’ll call Steve and get him to move one of you out of the bedroom and into the spare bedroom.”
Jensen shook his head, “Won’t work. Steve’s in the spare bedroom, remember?”
Chris smirked, “Well, by the time we get back to Montrose he won’t be. He’ll be back at the house with me.”
Jensen felt torn between hope and guilt. Chris’ plan could work, essentially they were still lying to Jared, and eventually he was going to have to tell him the truth, but for now it was maybe for the best, regardless of the fact that having Jared home but not sharing a bed sounded like torture. But on the other hand, if he let Chris call Steve to put things into motion, then he would be forcing Steve to move back in with Chris and what kind of friend did that really make him? Especially considering all that Steve had done for him over the last few months.
“Chris, I don’t…”
“Stop, Jensen.” He cut him off, “It’ll be fine.”
“There’s a reason Steve moved out in the first place.” He forced himself to continue, ignoring the panic that was beginning to bubble in his chest again.
“There were several reasons.” Chris admitted quietly before he offered a half grin. “Come on Jen, you know as well as I do that I was forcing the issue anyway, so this works for my nefarious plan.”
“Chris, this is no way to go about trying to win him back.”
Chris rolled his eyes at him, “It’s going to happen Jensen so you might as well let it go. Besides, would you rather face Jared tomorrow and tell him we may have forgotten to mention an important point or two? You know the ones I’m talking about. The fact that you two are married. That, although Jared is Nate’s biological daddy, you adopted him, so he’s as much yours as his.”
“You thought we should have been straight with him from the beginning.” He shot back.
“Yes, I did.” He agreed, “But because we weren’t, maybe it would be better not to bring it up now, at least not until you can discuss it with whatever professional your doctor suggests for Jared.”
Jensen flopped back, remembering too late that the mattress was rock hard. He groaned as he made contact and got no give from the board underneath him. “This is so fucked.”
“Go back to bed Jensen.” He rolled over, mutely declaring his belief that the conversation was done.
“Chris.”
In response Chris pulled the tacky comforter over his head.
“Now who’s acting like a girl?”
He waited, expecting a response, but after a minute realized that Chris had no intention of being pulled into any type of conversation at all. He considered telling him that he’d changed his mind, he wasn’t acting like a girl, but pouting like a five year old and then decided against it. They would be leaving town within the next four hours or so and knowing Chris, he would refuse to let anyone else drive, so really Jensen should let him get some more sleep.
Besides he knew they would end up just talking around and around in circles and get nowhere further than where they were now.
Still, it was hard for him to simply settle back into bed as his thoughts chased each other around in his head. Should he just come clean with Jared now? Should he just let Chris call Steve? Really, was it possible that things could be worked out between Chris and Steve if they were forced to live together again? Should he tell Jared? There was no way Steve moving back in with Chris would work. Maybe he should hide Chris’ phone, because even if he told him no, he’d still call Steve. What if the psychiatrist was right and Jared freaked out if he told him? What would Steve’s reaction be to being forced to move back in with Chris? But what if the psychiatrist was wrong and it snapped Jared’s memory back into place? Steve was going to be pissed.
Jensen closed his eyes and rubbed his fingertips into his temples, at least two more hours before he’d see Jared again; too long, but not long enough to face the man who was his husband and yet wasn’t.
Should he tell Jared? Maybe he should hide Chris’ phone. Maybe he should just call Steve himself and get his opinion. Would Jared freak out?
***
Jared shifted as quietly as possible on the edge of his bed and checked his watch once more, 6:49 am.
He had called Chris at 6:30, torn between feeling guilty for calling that early and the last of his patience fading away. He had given up on the pretence of sleeping at quarter to five, after having woken up at shortly after three that morning, standing with his forehead against the door to the room, and had tried to fill his time with menial tasks.
First, it had been trying to have a long, hot shower, only to find that once the necessary tasks of washing body and hair were complete, he couldn’t stand there any longer. Then, after the necessary tasks of shaving and teeth brushing all that had been left to occupy his time had been to pull everything out of his duffle and repack it, six times. Not that it had needed it the first time but because he had needed something to do.
After that, all he could do was sit quietly and stare at the blank TV screen, unwilling to turn it on in the fear that the noise would wake Sandy and he didn’t want to have to deal with her anymore.
It had been hard enough the night before, when she had finally re-emerged from the bathroom. After lounging in the tub for over an hour she had finally stomped out, head held high, body wrapped tightly in a towel, before proceeding to turn her back on him, drop the covering and get dressed in her customary t-shirt and boxer shorts, before crawling silently into bed without even acknowledging his presence. Not that her ignoring him had bothered him much, except for that little bit of guilt that he figured he’d always feel from now on whenever his mind touched on her, so it was for the best if he just started getting used to it now.
Besides, it couldn’t be any worse than having to explain to Jeff what had happened. He’d hoped that the older man would retain his good mood from Jared telling him that he had he’d run into a couple of people who had known him from before, but wasn’t really surprised when, after he’d briefly explained the situation, that it hadn’t. Really, it didn’t matter that Jeff had known Sandy had had an ulterior motive all along where Jared was concerned, had even warned him about it the day he’d left, it didn’t change the fact that he saw Sandy as a irresponsible daughter. Blood was always thicker than water and that included imagined blood.
Jared rubbed his face. It would have been better if Jeff had yelled at him, or accused him of taking advantage of Sandy. Instead his tone had cooled off and his sentences had become short and to the point, almost like Jared was someone who was enquiring about one of the horses, someone who had to be dealt with quickly and then brushed aside.
It had hurt but wasn’t unexpected. Jared could only hope that eventually he would be able to contact Jeff and perhaps rebuild their friendship.
He glanced down at his watch, 6:53 am.
Chris had said that they would be out in front of the hotel at seven and, although it wouldn’t take him seven minutes to get down to the lobby, even if he took the stairs, he couldn’t just sit there in the false dark of drawn curtains and stuffy silence any longer. Mind made up, he silently grabbed his duffle bag up from the floor by his feet and stood.
Carefully, still intent on not waking Sandy, he moved across the room and reached for the door. Ten seconds and he’d be out the door. Two or three minutes tops he’d be outside of the hotel and then, minutes after that, hopefully he’d be seated in a vehicle with Jensen and Chris and headed towards, if not instant Technicolor memories, a wealth of information that may eventually wake him up.
“Scott? I mean Jared?”
Sandy’s voice was barely more than a hesitant whisper. He could have pretended to not to have heard her if he so chose but he couldn’t do it. She had lain there for who knew how long trying to work up the courage to speak to him before he left and, regardless of the outcome, he wouldn’t belittle her resolve by ignoring her.
He glanced back over his shoulder at her but kept his hand on the knob and his body turned away from her. “Yes?”
“I’m…I’m sorry for my behavior.” He watched her sit up against the headboard, “Maybe I’ve gone about things the wrong way.”
He raised an eyebrow but remained silent. He wanted to know what things she was referring to, but he wasn’t going to give her any type of lead as to what exactly she had done over the past few months that had pissed him off. If she was going to apologize, and mean it, then she was going to have to do it on her own, let him know she had actually thought about her actions.
She swallowed hard, “You know, like not being honest with you months ago about how I felt about you. But I swear that when I first offered to help you out it was coming from a good place. And I’m not sorry that I offered my help to you.”
“Okay.” He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting but found himself disappointed that she wasn’t sorry for the way she had treated Jensen and Chris. Funnily enough, it was more the way she had treated Jensen and again, he had to wonder exactly what their relationship was because of the driving need he felt to protect the other man.
They stared silently at one another for a long moment before Jared couldn’t take the awkward atmosphere anymore.
“Thanks.” He managed a half smile for her benefit, “For everything. I owe you Sandy, and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to repay your generosity but I do appreciate everything you’ve done.”
Sandy shrugged it off, “I’ll consider us even if you promise to call once you’re settled and let me know you’re okay. And if you promise to remember that you do have a friend if you need one.” She grinned sheepishly, “Regardless of the shit I said last night.”
He couldn’t help it, it was impossible for him to take her words at face value, wondering if it was just another ploy, a last desperate attempt to keep herself as interwoven in his life as possible, but he kept his suspicions to himself. “I promise.”
She smiled and nodded. “Good.”
Almost unconsciously, he turned the knob and began pulling the door open. “I gotta go. Chris and Jensen will be here any minute and I told them I’d meet them outside.”
Her smile wavered, “Okay.”
Jared made to step out before once again remembering his conversation with Jeff and the fact he hadn’t told her the older man was coming to get her. This time he half turned towards her, “Jeff will be here this afternoon to get you. He said he would call your cell when he hits the outskirts of town.”
“Thanks.”
He forced a smile and patted the door once. “Bye.”
Just as he turned to leave she called out to him once more.
“Jared?”
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath; he really had to get out of there. Jensen and Chris had to be waiting out front for him by now and the whole situation was too uncomfortable for him to want to spend any more time in it. Still, he forced himself to face her once more, but remained silent, simply raising an inquiring eyebrow again.
“I hope you things work out with her.”
He blinked in confusion, “With whom?”
Sandy grinned sadly. “It’s okay you know. You could have just told me last night the real reason why you didn’t want me to come to Montrose with you.”
“Sandy, I have no idea what, or who, you’re talking about.”
Even in the shadowed room he could clearly see her stiffen, “Jared, I heard you on the phone with her last night. I’m guessing either Jensen or Chris told you about her and gave you the number.”
She had to have been dreaming. Other than Jeff, he hadn’t spoken to anyone the night before. He was about to tell her that she was mistaken when he felt his body go cold and then hot as a series of scenes flashed through his mind. His cell phone, every time he woke up from sleepwalking he’d had his cell phone in his hand. Had he been calling someone? If he had been, whom? Mind reeling, he barely saw Sandy but he smiled reflectively and managed a shrug.
She shook her head, “You’d better go.”
He blinked past his confusion, fighting down the urge to pull his cell from his pocket and check the number. Why hadn’t it occurred to him before that the one common factor in his nightly walks was that he always, always woke with his phone in his hand? He’d had it because he had been calling someone, some woman, but Jensen and Chris hadn’t mentioned a girlfriend and they had said that Nathan’s mother wasn’t in the picture, so who could she be? Could she be someone they didn’t know about, or maybe they didn’t know that he had a close enough relationship to her that his subconscious was reaching out?
Again, he forced down the urge to check the number and hit redial. He’d do it once he was outside where he could be assured of at least some privacy.
Jared almost snorted at the thought, there would be no privacy if Jensen and Chris were waiting for him, and this was something he didn’t want to share even with them, not when they hadn’t mentioned a “her”. It wasn’t vindictiveness but rather because he wasn’t sure what this could mean.
“Jared?”
He forced himself back to the present, “You’re right, the guys are probably wondering where I am. I’d better go.”
“Take care Jared.”
“You too Sandy.”
Then with a single nod he slipped out the door.
***
Jared stared through the passenger window at the light blue one story house as feelings of excitement and trepidation swirled in his stomach.
After Chris driving them non-stop for sixteen and a half hours, only making brief stops for fuel, food and bathroom breaks, and an almost constant flow of conversation, the silence in the car was making Jared’s nerves jump.
He knew, or at least assumed, why both Jensen and Chris had fallen silent, no longer telling him stories of when the three of them had been kids in Richardson. They were waiting for his reaction at seeing the house, his home, for the first time since he’d lost his memory. He wondered if they were hoping that seeing something that should be so familiar to him would unlock something within him, or perhaps he was projecting his own hope on them but, either way, the first sight of his old life fell flat.
Looking at the bight light pushing back the darkness from around the window and seeing someone moving around inside did nothing. It could have been any other house on the street, in any town, it didn’t invoke any feelings of this is mine.
He repressed a sigh of defeat. He had hoped, entertained the idea, that at first sight of his home there would be something, even if it were nothing more than a vague feeling of belonging. Instead, he had nothing.
That pretty much summed up the last eight months of his life in depressingly simple terms. He could understand not making any headway in Drayton because there he had been a stranger but now, after spending almost a solid day cloistered in the car with two people who obviously knew him extremely well, and then studying his house for at least the last five minutes, there should be something, even just a feeling of I know this. But there wasn’t and he was so fucking tired of the blankness of his own mind.
“So,” Chris started, but seemed to have nothing to add, and the heavy silence in the car began to descend once more.
Jared figured that was his cue, that he should open the door and climb out of the car. His legs would appreciate it if he would, having long since gone numb from being cramped in the small car, but he just didn’t have the desire to. He didn’t want to face more disappointment by entering the house, his home, to find that, again, nothing brought a memory to mind. He just didn’t want to.
“Jared, you’ve got to let me out of here.” Jensen said softly from the backseat. “Chris’ car might be pretty to look at but it’s not meant to be ridden in over long periods of time, at least not in the backseat.”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my baby!” Chris cried indignantly.
“Dude, first off, it’s a Mustang and not even a classic one. Second, have you ever spent any amount of time in this backseat?” Jensen grumbled back.
“Ingrate” Jared heard him mutter back but was only vaguely aware of it too attentive to his heart thudding painfully.
But that meant that he would have to get out of the car too and that would mean facing his fear of getting nothing but more blankness from his own mind. Of more drawn out silences as he was led into the house and Jensen and Chris waited for some revelation, the same ones he was waiting for, but wasn’t getting.
Don’t make me. Please not yet. I don’t want any more disappointment.
But he couldn’t ignore the sounds of shifting from the backseat and knew that he couldn’t put off getting out of the car any longer. It would be cruel, and he had no right, especially considering that Jensen had automatically climbed into the backseat when they’d picked him up hours before, never once complaining. He had to get out and release him from his self-appointed prison, all because Jared was the taller of the two of them and he’d wanted Jared to be comfortable.
Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself against the fear of more disappointment and, in one quick motion, opened the door and climbed out of the car.
Jensen groaned as he pulled himself from the car, “Oh God, never again.”
“Sorry.” He apologized softly.
He shot him a sharp look, “No Jared, you have nothing to apologize for. I meant that I’m never agreeing to let Chris drive me anywhere that isn’t simply across town unless we’re taking my truck.”
“No respect.” Chris grumbled as he walked past them and up the front walk.
Jensen rolled his eyes before smiling tentatively at Jared. “Shall we?”
Jared turned to look from him to the house, and then back. His trepidation must have been clear on his face because Jensen frowned back at him.
“Worried you won’t remember anything.” There was no question in his voice.
He tried to voice a reply but his worry had long ago smothered his excitement, and his ability to speak. Instead he just shrugged before turning to peer back up at Chris, looking back at them from the porch.
“I know this is probably going to sound stupid,” Jensen said softly from beside him. “But it’s been a long couple of days and a lot has happened. Just give yourself time, Jared. This isn’t some movie where the end credits will start once you cross the threshold and everything will come rushing back. This is real life and nothing is that simple.”
Jared glanced out of the corner of his eye at him, “Your pep talks suck.” He managed to choke out.
“I’m a mechanic Jared, not a motivational speaker.” Jensen grinned.
It was the grin that did it; somehow it managed to give him the strength to start himself moving forward. Or maybe it was remembering Jensen telling him that they lived together, so even if he couldn’t have the quick, tie-up all the loose-ends Hollywood ending as he stepped through the door, at least he would have Jensen at his side to tell him what he needed to know.
Or maybe it was just Jensen who gave him the strength, and that was definitely something to think about, but not now. Right now, Jensen was standing beside him, silently offering support, while waiting for him to make the first move towards the house.
Fuck it. He thought I’m never going to know if I don’t at least go inside.
Taking a deep breath, he started up the walk, ensuring his head was held high and his steps remained even, betraying none of his worry.
Just as he and Jensen reached Chris on the porch, the front door opened and, before he actually could register what was happening, two large dogs were jumping between him and Jensen.
“Harley, Sadie down!” Jensen commanded while trying to grab the collars of both dogs.
“Hello.” Jared smiled at the panting face level with his chest.
“Sorry,” Jensen grunted as he grabbed the collar of the dog and pulled it away. “Harley, I said down.”
“It’s okay, I like dogs.” He knelt down and reached out a hand to each dog to scratch behind their ears.
“Sorry. I wasn’t sure if I should risk putting them in the backyard when I realized you guys had pulled up and chance having them wake Nate up.”
Jared watched Jensen smile up at a man he guessed must be Steve and shrug. “It’s okay. No one got trampled. Besides, now we know they remember Jared.”
He looked from Jensen to Steve, who was watching him with a look on his face that seemed to be a combination of disbelief and shock, before turning back to Jensen.
“They’re pretty enthusiastic.”
“Loving” He smiled back, “They’re very loving.”
“Damn, Jared.” Steve said softly, “It’s good to see you.”
Jared grinned uncomfortably before standing to get a better look at him. “Hey.”
“Get out of the way, Steve.” Chris grunted, before placing a hand on his chest and leaning his weight against him forcing him back. “It’s been a long drive and all I want is something to drink.”
Steve rolled his eyes as he allowed himself to be pushed back. “Nice to see you too.”
Jared glanced at Jensen in question at the sharp tone but only received a small headshake.
“Don’t bother asking because I honestly don’t have a clue.” He replied as he released his hold on the dog’s collars. “Get in the house, you guys.”
The dogs seemed to hesitate for a second, glancing back at them, before slowly moving back inside. However, they stilled just on the other side of the entrance and turned back to stare at them.
“Come on.” Jensen urged as he grabbed Jared by the wrist. “If we keep standing here they’re going to get impatient and start barking.” He explained before tugging him into the house.
***
Part 6
Jensen/Jared slash - NC-17
For complete list of characters, warnings, disclaimer, summary and author's notes please see Master Post.
Jared followed Sandy as she stomped into their hotel room and silently steeled himself against the raging he was sure she was about to do.
She hadn’t said a word after bursting into the room Sheriff Petersen had let him, Jensen and Chris use to talk, not even when it occurred to her that they would be walking with them, at least half way back to the hotel. He knew she hadn’t liked the idea, no one could have missed the look of disgust on her face; luckily, he had been the only one to see it. And then, as they had been walking she’d kept trying to force herself between him and Jensen. Admittedly, he couldn’t understand why it had seemed so important to him that he walk beside the other man but it had been a need that made him ache so he had gone with it, pushing her to move forward every time she tried to drop back to get between them.
So he was anticipating it when, as soon as the door clicked closed behind him, she whirled, little hands tightly clenched, and glared across the room at him.
“I want you to take me home right now!” She snarled.
Well, it wasn’t what he was expecting but maybe he hadn’t heard her right, “Pardon?”
“Take me home Scott. Right fucking now!”
So this was how it was going to go. Instead of dealing with what was upsetting her head on, she was going to start with ridiculous demands.
Good to know.
“First off, it’s Jared.” He said softly after counting to ten in his head. “And second, I’m not going anywhere but back home with Jensen and Chris.”
She stamped her foot, “No, you are not! They are bad people, Sc…Jared. First that Jensen attacks you and then they somehow not only convince the sheriff to lie about there being a phone call for me but then they get him to keep me out of that room with threats. He threatened to throw me into a jail cell if I didn’t give you guys time. Me! A jail cell!”
It hadn’t occurred to him until they were all walking silently back towards their separate lodgings that it had been odd that someone Sandy knew had heard about them being hauled off to the Sheriff’s Department in Red Rock, Missouri of all places. He figured that there had been something up at the department but now he understood the look between the sheriff and Chris just before the man had hustled Sandy out of the room.
Now he knew for certain. The thing was, he was glad that they had figured out a way to get her out of their hair for a while. It would have been harder to talk with her breathing down his neck but somehow he didn’t think she would understand that.
“Jensen attacking me was a misunderstanding. And, as for the jail cell,” he scratched the back of his head trying to figure out how to sound sympathetic. “Well,” he shrugged, “I’m sorry that he threatened you with a jail cell but, to be honest, you can be kind of pushy.”
Her jaw dropped, “Pushy? Pushy? So then I deserved to be threatened with being thrown into jail?”
He sighed, “I’m sure you would have been let out as soon as we were done talking.”
He knew it had been the wrong thing to say, even before it had come out of his mouth, so he hurried on, hoping to redirect her. “Look, I’m sure it was just a case of trying to make it as easy as possible for us to speak.”
Sandy shook her head, “And I would have made it harder?”
Fuck it. He knew this conversation wasn’t going to go well, back when he had first conceded, and allowed her to come with him. But it had been his hope that they could have parted without arguing, parted as friends, because he did like her for the most part. Maybe she was a bit selfish, a little too forward with what she wanted, but there was a good heart beating within her. After all, only someone with a caring heart would have taken the risk with him that she had. However, that didn’t mean he was going to bend to her will, not this time, not about this, not anymore, no matter how much he felt he owed her.
“Yes Sandra, you would have made it harder.”
“How do you figure?” She snarled, and crossed her arms tightly over her chest.
“Where would you like me to start?” He growled back, starting to lose control of his own temper. “How about telling the sheriff that I’d been attacked and insinuating that it could have been Jensen, or Chris? How about glaring at them until we were separated at the Sheriff’s Department?”
“Well, I didn’t know that the guy who attacked you had been caught now, did I?” She demanded, “He attacked you and I was only trying to protect you. And I’m not going to pretend to like someone I don’t.”
“And why exactly don’t you like them anyway?”
Sandy rolled her eyes, “He attacked you!”
He ground his teeth, “A mistake. And Chris? What has he done to you?”
She glared past him silently for a moment before her eyes sought his out once again. “He stood by and let Jensen attack you.”
Jared snorted, “You sure that’s what your problem is with them?”
She swallowed hard, “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Come on Sandy. How stupid do you think I am? You never wanted me to leave the ranch. You would have been perfectly happy if I’d stayed there for the rest of my life.”
She threw her hands into the air, “And why do you think that?”
“You wanted us to have some fairy tale happy ending, the sweet loving girl taking in the stranger with no memory and they fall in love and live happily ever after.”
She paled, “Yeah okay, I like you but I would never stop you from finding out who you are.” She whispered.
“And what do you think you’re trying to do right now?” He demanded not impressed in the least by her sudden change of demeanor. It was in that moment that he realized that it didn’t matter that she had helped him out, that he felt he owed her, he wasn’t going to let himself feel anything more for her, couldn’t because this Jared at least, couldn’t stand the idea of being manipulated, and that’s what she had been trying to do all along.
Jared watched her blink rapidly until slow tears started to trail down her cheeks. “I’m only worried for you and I don’t believe those two are good people.”
“Yeah okay.” He muttered sarcastically.
She released a defeated sigh, “Okay, so we’ll follow them back to wherever and you can…”
He held up a hand, “Wait. What?”
Sandy shook her head, “What what?”
“You still think you’re coming with me?”
“Well, of course.”
He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to remember whether he had ever told her when this whole thing started that he intended on sending her home once he found people who knew him but he couldn’t honestly say either way.
“Sandy, you’re going back to the ranch.” He lowered his voice, not caring to yell anymore, but ensuring he kept it strong, leaving no room for her to believe that she could change his mind.
“No.” She shook her head again, “I’m going with you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No. You’re not!”
“Well, you can’t just leave me here!” She hissed, “I can’t drive remember?”
“I’ll call Jeff to come get you.”
“Jared, you shouldn’t be going anywhere without a friend.” She pressed.
“I’ll be going with two friends.”
“Two supposed friends who you don’t know.”
Jared could feel his control on his temper slipping again, “And I’m never going to really know them, or anyone else, with you around!”
“What the fuck, Jared?” She snarled and took a step towards him. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“The way you acted today, even after we were told that they were who they said they were. You don’t like them, won’t even give them a chance, because you don’t want me to be anything, or anyone, other than Scott McCoy.” He felt like a heel for saying it but the truth was needed and he wasn’t going to shy away from it, not anymore. “And I completely believe you’ll act the same way towards everyone I knew before, including my family.”
“I already told you that I want you to know who you are.”
He nodded, “Yeah, as long as, in the end, I go back to the ranch with you.”
“Not necessarily.” She muttered, “Not if you don’t want to.”
“But you’ll do your damnedest to make sure that I want to, won’t you.”
Sandy shook her head in mock wonder, “What’s happened to you?”
“It’s nothing new Sandy. I’m just telling you what I suspect. What I’ve suspected all along.”
“Well, that’s nice, considering all I’ve done for you.”
“Speaking of that, why exactly did you take it upon yourself to take me in?”
“Because you needed help!”
Jared snorted, “No other reason?”
“I already told you I like you. What else do you want?” She yelled, throwing her hands up in the air.
“What I want is for you to go home.”
“Fine” She snarled, “Fucking fine! You want to do this by yourself, you go right ahead.” She stormed towards him but abruptly turned at the door to the bathroom. “But when you end up falling on your face because you’d rather trust Jensen then me, someone who you know has your best interests at heart, don’t bother calling.”
He sighed his guilt finally getting the better of him. “Sandy…”
She spun and grabbed the bathroom door, “Fuck you, Jared. I was the one who was there for you, not him or Chris. I’m the one who cares about you. I was the one who you took advantage of.”
“I never took advantage of you!”
“Yes, you did!” She had managed to work herself up into a righteous fury, the trembling in her body so bad he was worried her legs would buckle but he didn’t dare go near her.
“You knew how I felt, probably from the get go, and used it against me!”
“I told you I didn’t want to start anything until I knew who I was in case I had a family somewhere. That I couldn’t return any feelings in good conscience until I knew for certain.”
How she’d managed to forget their talk only days before was beyond him and vaguely he wondered if all women could do that. If they could maybe it explained why his son’s mother wasn’t in the picture. He just couldn’t feasibly see himself putting up with it for any length of time.
“You know what Jared? I wish I’d just left you at that hospital.” She snarled before slamming the door in his face.
Jared sighed and walked over to his bed. Gingerly, he lowered himself to sit at the edge, fighting the urge to call Chris and Jensen and ask them to come and get him now. He knew they would, that wasn’t why he didn’t even bother to pull the card from his jeans pocket. The problem was, he knew that that would be the one thing which would hurt Sandy the most and, even after everything, he didn’t want to hurt her anymore than he already had. Even after her telling him she wished she’d left him at the hospital, he couldn’t do it, knowing she hadn’t really meant it as anything more than a way to hurt him.
He picked up his pay-as-you-go cell from the nightstand between the two beds and began to punch Jeff’s number in from memory.
The thing was, he was beginning to wish she had left him there.
***
Jensen rolled over and plucked his cell off the nightstand between the two beds, silently berating himself for not expecting it. Jared had called every night for over a week. Why hadn’t it occurred to him that, just because he had finally found him alive, the calls would stop? Especially now that he knew that Jared had amnesia.
His gaze flickered to Chris as his friend muttered softly and rolled over to peer at him through the dark.
“Whosit?”
He started to shrug before catching himself; he never questioned who would be on the other end of the line any more. It would be Jared; it was always Jared.
“Jared.”
“I wanna come home.”
Chris seemed to freeze for a moment before he pulled himself up and perched on the edge of the bed, “What’s wrong? Does he want us to come and get him now?”
Jensen rubbed his face with his free hand. Before today, this is where he would start assuring Jared that he could come home, that he only had to tell Jensen where he was and he would come and get him. But now, now he wasn’t sure how to proceed exactly, because now he knew that Jared had amnesia and was almost completely certain that his husband was asleep. How else could he explain that, right now, Jared knew who he was? That he knew Jensen’s cell number? That he knew to call Jensen to help him get home.
“You are coming home, babe.” Jensen reassured him, “We found you Jared. We’re taking you home.”
The sound of Chris pushing off his bed and muttering angrily to himself had Jensen pulling his hand away from his face to find his friend pulling on his jeans.
“I’m going to kill her.” He just managed to catch what Chris said, as he bent over to retrieve his t-shirt off one of the chairs in the corner of the room.
Jensen snapped his fingers to get his friend’s attention and shook his head at him as he turned back to peer at him through the darkness.
“Please Jen, I just wanna come home.”
“What?” Chris hissed.
He motioned Chris towards him and then pointed at the bed across from him.
“You are coming home Jared.”
He kept up his end of their new conversation, while trying to make Chris understand to just wait by continuing to point at the bed. He needed Chris to sit still and stay so that he could commit all of his attention to the conversation with Jared. Now that he understood that his husband had amnesia and yet somehow his subconscious had found a way to communicate with him, even if he was sounding like a broken record, maybe he could get through to him. He just had to find the right words, or the right combination of words, to snap Jared out of it.
“I wanna come home. I want little man.”
Jensen’s heart thudded hard against his chest. Even now, knowing everything, Jared telling him he wanted Nathan still sent a spike of fear through him but he forced his panic back. It wasn’t meant the way it was said, he was completely certain of it, at least almost completely certain of it.
“Jared, babe, I need you to listen to me. You are coming home. Chris and I found you and tomorrow morning we’re heading back to Montrose.”
“Jen, please.”
He squeezed his eyes shut. This was a lot harder than he had first thought it would be. He had the urge to signal to Chris that they were going, get him to drive to the hotel four blocks away, find Jared, grab him and shake the ever loving shit out of him until his subconscious became his conscious. Logically he knew it wouldn’t work, didn’t even believe that Jared would remain on the phone long enough for them to even get to the car, never mind the hotel, but it was still a fight not to try.
“Jared, I know what happened.” He wasn’t sure if bringing up the attack and rape was the best idea but it couldn’t be helped. He’d already tried reassuring Jared that he could come home for the last week and nothing had changed, so maybe this would have some sort of effect. Distantly he worried it would have an adverse effect, though he wasn’t sure what could be worse than Jared having amnesia.
“But you’re safe Jared. Chad’s in jail and you’re safe. You have to believe me please.”
“Just wanna come home.”
Jensen could picture himself banging the cell against the nightstand in frustration and then asking Jared if he had his attention yet. Instead, he pressed it tighter against his ear, almost as if trying to make Jared hear him simply by trying to shorten the distance between them, illogical or not.
“Jared, listen to me. You are safe. Tomorrow we’re going to start for home, you, me and Chris. No one can hurt you anymore, so please, please, just let go. Allow yourself to remember. “
He shut his eyes and sighed in frustration at the soft click of the line closing. He had been hoping for something, some change from Jared’s end, some indication that he was being heard. Instead, this conversation had gone the same way all the others had, at least from Jared’s end, and he couldn’t help but feel that he had wasted his time deviating from his normal responses. But he had thought that if he’d managed to stay calm, kept the usual panic out of his voice, had remained reassuring and patient, that maybe he could have reached him.
But now, sitting listening once again to dead air, he didn’t think he had.
“Jensen?”
He met Chris’ questioning gaze as he reluctantly lowered the cell from his ear and replaced it on the nightstand.
“What the hell was that?”
He shrugged, “Basically, the same phone call I’ve gotten from Jared every night since this started.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that he tells me that he wants to come home. Begs for me to let him and then something happens and he hangs up.” Jensen ran his hands through his hair roughly. “Maybe he starts to wake up. Maybe, well I don’t know what else it could be, but…” he tapered off; really, there was nothing else to add.
“So you figure he’s sleep dialing?” It wasn’t that Chris sounded disbelieving more that he was having a problem following what he was being told.
At least that was what Jensen was going to tell himself because he really didn’t want to think that Chris wasn’t going to believe him about this, even after he had already been proven wrong in his belief that Jared really was dead.
“What else could it be?” He shrugged, “He knows who I am. He knows how to reach me. He knows that home is with me. And yet he has amnesia. It’s got to be something to do with his subconscious reaching out while he’s asleep.”
Chris stood and started pacing the room, “Okay, let’s say that’s exactly what’s going on here. What do we do about it?”
Jensen blinked, “Do about it? I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I’m going to keep trying to reach him every time he calls.”
Chris stopped at the foot of the bed and placed his hands on his hips. “It’s gonna get pretty fucking weird if he keeps calling you once we’re back home.”
He shrugged, “If that’s what happens then I’ll deal with it. If it’s the only way I get a chance to reach him then that’s what I’ll do.”
He started to grin, “You do realize I have a picture in my head of Jared on one side of the bed calling you from his cell while you’re asleep on the other side of the bed?”
It took a moment before either of them realized exactly what he had said and then they both tensed.
Sleeping arrangements.
“Shit!” Jensen hissed, as he shot to his feet.
Jared didn’t know they were involved any deeper than friends. It was going to be pretty obvious that there was something else going on once it occurred to Jared that they were sharing one bedroom and one bed.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” He ran his hands through his hair again as he started to pace the room.
“What am I going do?” He groaned, “Jared’s going to see the bedroom and know we lied to him. He’s never going to trust me.”
“Jensen.”
He ignored Chris as he made another panicked round of the room, “He’ll never get better, because he won’t feel safe around me.”
“Jensen.”
In his mind’s eye he could see the look of horror on Jared’s face once he realized that he and Jensen were sharing a room, a bed. Then it morphed into a look of betrayal, You should have told me.
Absently he rubbed at the pain growing in his chest, too concerned with the bleak vision playing in his mind for it to be more than a slight ache centered over his heart. “He’ll leave, he’ll disappear again.”
Chris almost pulled him off his feet as he grabbed him by the biceps and spun him to face him.
He shook him roughly for a second, “Jesus, Jensen stop, before you have a heart attack!”
“Don’t you get it Chris?” Jensen implored, “He’s going to know we lied and he’ll never forgive me. Oh Christ, he’ll leave for good this time.” His eyes widened, “He’ll take Nathan.”
“Stop, Jensen!” He yelled in his face. “Just stop!”
“I’m going to lose both of them Chris!”
The pain in his chest was no longer something he could ignore and, once he noticed it, he also realized that he wasn’t breathing, not really. Ragged gasps to drag in air couldn’t be considered breathing, at least not if his screaming lungs were any indication.
Not now! He thought desperately. He didn’t have time to have a panic attack, he had to come up with a plan, try to figure out a way to explain to Jared why he didn’t tell him straight out that they were married. He had to work out how to do this so that he didn’t end up losing Jared and Nathan.
Oh God I’m going to lose them. Oh God!
Chris gave him another shake, “Jensen stop!”
He was starting to get light-headed and had to lock his knees to keep from falling into Chris. He didn’t have time for a panic attack, later after he knew how he was going to fix this then he could have one, but not now.
“Okay.” Chris hissed, as he pulled him back across the room and forced him to sit on the edge of the bed. “Bend forward and grab your ankles.”
“Huh?” He blinked owlishly at him.
What the hell was Chris talking about? Bend over and grab his ankles? What the hell? He didn’t have time for this. He tried to push Chris off of him and stand. What was he going to do?
“No.” Chris growled and grabbed his shoulders. “Bend forward.” He demanded and pushed down on him.
“Not now Chris!” He panted out.
“Yes now!” He snarled back, “You’re in the middle of a panic attack. Now bend over and try to breathe deep!”
Jensen glared up at him but gave into his demand, figuring the sooner he did what Chris wanted, the sooner he’d help him, instead of hindering him.
“What am I gonna do, Chris?” He panted out.
Chris knelt down and tilted his head so that he could peer up at Jensen. “First, you’re going to calm down and then you’re going to listen to me.”
Jensen narrowed his eyes in annoyance but continued to fight the tightening in his chest, forcing large gulps of air into his lungs.
Chris watched him silently for a moment before he nodded once sharply. “Better.” He grumbled and stood back up.
“Okay, this is what’s going to happen.”
Jensen sat back up and watched Chris strip off his jeans before crawling back into his bed.
“Well?” He grumbled, ignoring the still breathless quality to his voice.
“First, you’re going to stop acting like a girl.”
“Fuck off, Kane!”
Chris punched his pillow into a more comfortable lump before relaxing back, “You know I’d be insulted if you still didn’t sound like you’re eighty.” He waved a hand at Jensen to stop him from retorting. “Second, in about,” he pulled his watch off the nightstand and peered at it. “Three hours, roughly six am, before you ask, I’ll call Steve and get him to move one of you out of the bedroom and into the spare bedroom.”
Jensen shook his head, “Won’t work. Steve’s in the spare bedroom, remember?”
Chris smirked, “Well, by the time we get back to Montrose he won’t be. He’ll be back at the house with me.”
Jensen felt torn between hope and guilt. Chris’ plan could work, essentially they were still lying to Jared, and eventually he was going to have to tell him the truth, but for now it was maybe for the best, regardless of the fact that having Jared home but not sharing a bed sounded like torture. But on the other hand, if he let Chris call Steve to put things into motion, then he would be forcing Steve to move back in with Chris and what kind of friend did that really make him? Especially considering all that Steve had done for him over the last few months.
“Chris, I don’t…”
“Stop, Jensen.” He cut him off, “It’ll be fine.”
“There’s a reason Steve moved out in the first place.” He forced himself to continue, ignoring the panic that was beginning to bubble in his chest again.
“There were several reasons.” Chris admitted quietly before he offered a half grin. “Come on Jen, you know as well as I do that I was forcing the issue anyway, so this works for my nefarious plan.”
“Chris, this is no way to go about trying to win him back.”
Chris rolled his eyes at him, “It’s going to happen Jensen so you might as well let it go. Besides, would you rather face Jared tomorrow and tell him we may have forgotten to mention an important point or two? You know the ones I’m talking about. The fact that you two are married. That, although Jared is Nate’s biological daddy, you adopted him, so he’s as much yours as his.”
“You thought we should have been straight with him from the beginning.” He shot back.
“Yes, I did.” He agreed, “But because we weren’t, maybe it would be better not to bring it up now, at least not until you can discuss it with whatever professional your doctor suggests for Jared.”
Jensen flopped back, remembering too late that the mattress was rock hard. He groaned as he made contact and got no give from the board underneath him. “This is so fucked.”
“Go back to bed Jensen.” He rolled over, mutely declaring his belief that the conversation was done.
“Chris.”
In response Chris pulled the tacky comforter over his head.
“Now who’s acting like a girl?”
He waited, expecting a response, but after a minute realized that Chris had no intention of being pulled into any type of conversation at all. He considered telling him that he’d changed his mind, he wasn’t acting like a girl, but pouting like a five year old and then decided against it. They would be leaving town within the next four hours or so and knowing Chris, he would refuse to let anyone else drive, so really Jensen should let him get some more sleep.
Besides he knew they would end up just talking around and around in circles and get nowhere further than where they were now.
Still, it was hard for him to simply settle back into bed as his thoughts chased each other around in his head. Should he just come clean with Jared now? Should he just let Chris call Steve? Really, was it possible that things could be worked out between Chris and Steve if they were forced to live together again? Should he tell Jared? There was no way Steve moving back in with Chris would work. Maybe he should hide Chris’ phone, because even if he told him no, he’d still call Steve. What if the psychiatrist was right and Jared freaked out if he told him? What would Steve’s reaction be to being forced to move back in with Chris? But what if the psychiatrist was wrong and it snapped Jared’s memory back into place? Steve was going to be pissed.
Jensen closed his eyes and rubbed his fingertips into his temples, at least two more hours before he’d see Jared again; too long, but not long enough to face the man who was his husband and yet wasn’t.
Should he tell Jared? Maybe he should hide Chris’ phone. Maybe he should just call Steve himself and get his opinion. Would Jared freak out?
***
Jared shifted as quietly as possible on the edge of his bed and checked his watch once more, 6:49 am.
He had called Chris at 6:30, torn between feeling guilty for calling that early and the last of his patience fading away. He had given up on the pretence of sleeping at quarter to five, after having woken up at shortly after three that morning, standing with his forehead against the door to the room, and had tried to fill his time with menial tasks.
First, it had been trying to have a long, hot shower, only to find that once the necessary tasks of washing body and hair were complete, he couldn’t stand there any longer. Then, after the necessary tasks of shaving and teeth brushing all that had been left to occupy his time had been to pull everything out of his duffle and repack it, six times. Not that it had needed it the first time but because he had needed something to do.
After that, all he could do was sit quietly and stare at the blank TV screen, unwilling to turn it on in the fear that the noise would wake Sandy and he didn’t want to have to deal with her anymore.
It had been hard enough the night before, when she had finally re-emerged from the bathroom. After lounging in the tub for over an hour she had finally stomped out, head held high, body wrapped tightly in a towel, before proceeding to turn her back on him, drop the covering and get dressed in her customary t-shirt and boxer shorts, before crawling silently into bed without even acknowledging his presence. Not that her ignoring him had bothered him much, except for that little bit of guilt that he figured he’d always feel from now on whenever his mind touched on her, so it was for the best if he just started getting used to it now.
Besides, it couldn’t be any worse than having to explain to Jeff what had happened. He’d hoped that the older man would retain his good mood from Jared telling him that he had he’d run into a couple of people who had known him from before, but wasn’t really surprised when, after he’d briefly explained the situation, that it hadn’t. Really, it didn’t matter that Jeff had known Sandy had had an ulterior motive all along where Jared was concerned, had even warned him about it the day he’d left, it didn’t change the fact that he saw Sandy as a irresponsible daughter. Blood was always thicker than water and that included imagined blood.
Jared rubbed his face. It would have been better if Jeff had yelled at him, or accused him of taking advantage of Sandy. Instead his tone had cooled off and his sentences had become short and to the point, almost like Jared was someone who was enquiring about one of the horses, someone who had to be dealt with quickly and then brushed aside.
It had hurt but wasn’t unexpected. Jared could only hope that eventually he would be able to contact Jeff and perhaps rebuild their friendship.
He glanced down at his watch, 6:53 am.
Chris had said that they would be out in front of the hotel at seven and, although it wouldn’t take him seven minutes to get down to the lobby, even if he took the stairs, he couldn’t just sit there in the false dark of drawn curtains and stuffy silence any longer. Mind made up, he silently grabbed his duffle bag up from the floor by his feet and stood.
Carefully, still intent on not waking Sandy, he moved across the room and reached for the door. Ten seconds and he’d be out the door. Two or three minutes tops he’d be outside of the hotel and then, minutes after that, hopefully he’d be seated in a vehicle with Jensen and Chris and headed towards, if not instant Technicolor memories, a wealth of information that may eventually wake him up.
“Scott? I mean Jared?”
Sandy’s voice was barely more than a hesitant whisper. He could have pretended to not to have heard her if he so chose but he couldn’t do it. She had lain there for who knew how long trying to work up the courage to speak to him before he left and, regardless of the outcome, he wouldn’t belittle her resolve by ignoring her.
He glanced back over his shoulder at her but kept his hand on the knob and his body turned away from her. “Yes?”
“I’m…I’m sorry for my behavior.” He watched her sit up against the headboard, “Maybe I’ve gone about things the wrong way.”
He raised an eyebrow but remained silent. He wanted to know what things she was referring to, but he wasn’t going to give her any type of lead as to what exactly she had done over the past few months that had pissed him off. If she was going to apologize, and mean it, then she was going to have to do it on her own, let him know she had actually thought about her actions.
She swallowed hard, “You know, like not being honest with you months ago about how I felt about you. But I swear that when I first offered to help you out it was coming from a good place. And I’m not sorry that I offered my help to you.”
“Okay.” He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting but found himself disappointed that she wasn’t sorry for the way she had treated Jensen and Chris. Funnily enough, it was more the way she had treated Jensen and again, he had to wonder exactly what their relationship was because of the driving need he felt to protect the other man.
They stared silently at one another for a long moment before Jared couldn’t take the awkward atmosphere anymore.
“Thanks.” He managed a half smile for her benefit, “For everything. I owe you Sandy, and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to repay your generosity but I do appreciate everything you’ve done.”
Sandy shrugged it off, “I’ll consider us even if you promise to call once you’re settled and let me know you’re okay. And if you promise to remember that you do have a friend if you need one.” She grinned sheepishly, “Regardless of the shit I said last night.”
He couldn’t help it, it was impossible for him to take her words at face value, wondering if it was just another ploy, a last desperate attempt to keep herself as interwoven in his life as possible, but he kept his suspicions to himself. “I promise.”
She smiled and nodded. “Good.”
Almost unconsciously, he turned the knob and began pulling the door open. “I gotta go. Chris and Jensen will be here any minute and I told them I’d meet them outside.”
Her smile wavered, “Okay.”
Jared made to step out before once again remembering his conversation with Jeff and the fact he hadn’t told her the older man was coming to get her. This time he half turned towards her, “Jeff will be here this afternoon to get you. He said he would call your cell when he hits the outskirts of town.”
“Thanks.”
He forced a smile and patted the door once. “Bye.”
Just as he turned to leave she called out to him once more.
“Jared?”
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath; he really had to get out of there. Jensen and Chris had to be waiting out front for him by now and the whole situation was too uncomfortable for him to want to spend any more time in it. Still, he forced himself to face her once more, but remained silent, simply raising an inquiring eyebrow again.
“I hope you things work out with her.”
He blinked in confusion, “With whom?”
Sandy grinned sadly. “It’s okay you know. You could have just told me last night the real reason why you didn’t want me to come to Montrose with you.”
“Sandy, I have no idea what, or who, you’re talking about.”
Even in the shadowed room he could clearly see her stiffen, “Jared, I heard you on the phone with her last night. I’m guessing either Jensen or Chris told you about her and gave you the number.”
She had to have been dreaming. Other than Jeff, he hadn’t spoken to anyone the night before. He was about to tell her that she was mistaken when he felt his body go cold and then hot as a series of scenes flashed through his mind. His cell phone, every time he woke up from sleepwalking he’d had his cell phone in his hand. Had he been calling someone? If he had been, whom? Mind reeling, he barely saw Sandy but he smiled reflectively and managed a shrug.
She shook her head, “You’d better go.”
He blinked past his confusion, fighting down the urge to pull his cell from his pocket and check the number. Why hadn’t it occurred to him before that the one common factor in his nightly walks was that he always, always woke with his phone in his hand? He’d had it because he had been calling someone, some woman, but Jensen and Chris hadn’t mentioned a girlfriend and they had said that Nathan’s mother wasn’t in the picture, so who could she be? Could she be someone they didn’t know about, or maybe they didn’t know that he had a close enough relationship to her that his subconscious was reaching out?
Again, he forced down the urge to check the number and hit redial. He’d do it once he was outside where he could be assured of at least some privacy.
Jared almost snorted at the thought, there would be no privacy if Jensen and Chris were waiting for him, and this was something he didn’t want to share even with them, not when they hadn’t mentioned a “her”. It wasn’t vindictiveness but rather because he wasn’t sure what this could mean.
“Jared?”
He forced himself back to the present, “You’re right, the guys are probably wondering where I am. I’d better go.”
“Take care Jared.”
“You too Sandy.”
Then with a single nod he slipped out the door.
***
Jared stared through the passenger window at the light blue one story house as feelings of excitement and trepidation swirled in his stomach.
After Chris driving them non-stop for sixteen and a half hours, only making brief stops for fuel, food and bathroom breaks, and an almost constant flow of conversation, the silence in the car was making Jared’s nerves jump.
He knew, or at least assumed, why both Jensen and Chris had fallen silent, no longer telling him stories of when the three of them had been kids in Richardson. They were waiting for his reaction at seeing the house, his home, for the first time since he’d lost his memory. He wondered if they were hoping that seeing something that should be so familiar to him would unlock something within him, or perhaps he was projecting his own hope on them but, either way, the first sight of his old life fell flat.
Looking at the bight light pushing back the darkness from around the window and seeing someone moving around inside did nothing. It could have been any other house on the street, in any town, it didn’t invoke any feelings of this is mine.
He repressed a sigh of defeat. He had hoped, entertained the idea, that at first sight of his home there would be something, even if it were nothing more than a vague feeling of belonging. Instead, he had nothing.
That pretty much summed up the last eight months of his life in depressingly simple terms. He could understand not making any headway in Drayton because there he had been a stranger but now, after spending almost a solid day cloistered in the car with two people who obviously knew him extremely well, and then studying his house for at least the last five minutes, there should be something, even just a feeling of I know this. But there wasn’t and he was so fucking tired of the blankness of his own mind.
“So,” Chris started, but seemed to have nothing to add, and the heavy silence in the car began to descend once more.
Jared figured that was his cue, that he should open the door and climb out of the car. His legs would appreciate it if he would, having long since gone numb from being cramped in the small car, but he just didn’t have the desire to. He didn’t want to face more disappointment by entering the house, his home, to find that, again, nothing brought a memory to mind. He just didn’t want to.
“Jared, you’ve got to let me out of here.” Jensen said softly from the backseat. “Chris’ car might be pretty to look at but it’s not meant to be ridden in over long periods of time, at least not in the backseat.”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my baby!” Chris cried indignantly.
“Dude, first off, it’s a Mustang and not even a classic one. Second, have you ever spent any amount of time in this backseat?” Jensen grumbled back.
“Ingrate” Jared heard him mutter back but was only vaguely aware of it too attentive to his heart thudding painfully.
But that meant that he would have to get out of the car too and that would mean facing his fear of getting nothing but more blankness from his own mind. Of more drawn out silences as he was led into the house and Jensen and Chris waited for some revelation, the same ones he was waiting for, but wasn’t getting.
Don’t make me. Please not yet. I don’t want any more disappointment.
But he couldn’t ignore the sounds of shifting from the backseat and knew that he couldn’t put off getting out of the car any longer. It would be cruel, and he had no right, especially considering that Jensen had automatically climbed into the backseat when they’d picked him up hours before, never once complaining. He had to get out and release him from his self-appointed prison, all because Jared was the taller of the two of them and he’d wanted Jared to be comfortable.
Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself against the fear of more disappointment and, in one quick motion, opened the door and climbed out of the car.
Jensen groaned as he pulled himself from the car, “Oh God, never again.”
“Sorry.” He apologized softly.
He shot him a sharp look, “No Jared, you have nothing to apologize for. I meant that I’m never agreeing to let Chris drive me anywhere that isn’t simply across town unless we’re taking my truck.”
“No respect.” Chris grumbled as he walked past them and up the front walk.
Jensen rolled his eyes before smiling tentatively at Jared. “Shall we?”
Jared turned to look from him to the house, and then back. His trepidation must have been clear on his face because Jensen frowned back at him.
“Worried you won’t remember anything.” There was no question in his voice.
He tried to voice a reply but his worry had long ago smothered his excitement, and his ability to speak. Instead he just shrugged before turning to peer back up at Chris, looking back at them from the porch.
“I know this is probably going to sound stupid,” Jensen said softly from beside him. “But it’s been a long couple of days and a lot has happened. Just give yourself time, Jared. This isn’t some movie where the end credits will start once you cross the threshold and everything will come rushing back. This is real life and nothing is that simple.”
Jared glanced out of the corner of his eye at him, “Your pep talks suck.” He managed to choke out.
“I’m a mechanic Jared, not a motivational speaker.” Jensen grinned.
It was the grin that did it; somehow it managed to give him the strength to start himself moving forward. Or maybe it was remembering Jensen telling him that they lived together, so even if he couldn’t have the quick, tie-up all the loose-ends Hollywood ending as he stepped through the door, at least he would have Jensen at his side to tell him what he needed to know.
Or maybe it was just Jensen who gave him the strength, and that was definitely something to think about, but not now. Right now, Jensen was standing beside him, silently offering support, while waiting for him to make the first move towards the house.
Fuck it. He thought I’m never going to know if I don’t at least go inside.
Taking a deep breath, he started up the walk, ensuring his head was held high and his steps remained even, betraying none of his worry.
Just as he and Jensen reached Chris on the porch, the front door opened and, before he actually could register what was happening, two large dogs were jumping between him and Jensen.
“Harley, Sadie down!” Jensen commanded while trying to grab the collars of both dogs.
“Hello.” Jared smiled at the panting face level with his chest.
“Sorry,” Jensen grunted as he grabbed the collar of the dog and pulled it away. “Harley, I said down.”
“It’s okay, I like dogs.” He knelt down and reached out a hand to each dog to scratch behind their ears.
“Sorry. I wasn’t sure if I should risk putting them in the backyard when I realized you guys had pulled up and chance having them wake Nate up.”
Jared watched Jensen smile up at a man he guessed must be Steve and shrug. “It’s okay. No one got trampled. Besides, now we know they remember Jared.”
He looked from Jensen to Steve, who was watching him with a look on his face that seemed to be a combination of disbelief and shock, before turning back to Jensen.
“They’re pretty enthusiastic.”
“Loving” He smiled back, “They’re very loving.”
“Damn, Jared.” Steve said softly, “It’s good to see you.”
Jared grinned uncomfortably before standing to get a better look at him. “Hey.”
“Get out of the way, Steve.” Chris grunted, before placing a hand on his chest and leaning his weight against him forcing him back. “It’s been a long drive and all I want is something to drink.”
Steve rolled his eyes as he allowed himself to be pushed back. “Nice to see you too.”
Jared glanced at Jensen in question at the sharp tone but only received a small headshake.
“Don’t bother asking because I honestly don’t have a clue.” He replied as he released his hold on the dog’s collars. “Get in the house, you guys.”
The dogs seemed to hesitate for a second, glancing back at them, before slowly moving back inside. However, they stilled just on the other side of the entrance and turned back to stare at them.
“Come on.” Jensen urged as he grabbed Jared by the wrist. “If we keep standing here they’re going to get impatient and start barking.” He explained before tugging him into the house.
***
Part 6