(no subject)
Longest Entry Ever! You're not obligated to read it! Scan it read what interests you but I guarantee it will only confuse you.
I'm feeling better today. I got to spend time with my two favorite people! I had the best conversation with Day today on aim. If course I would have rather seen her but we both express so much more with writting that we stay close. And I finally found out what was bothering her. And I'm keeping quiet about it!
I spent the morning with Melissa at the bookstore and I finally got to brag about my book knowledge that I've acquired from working at a library! Although I'm thinking of quitting due to the stress and my many failures and lack of social skills with the patrons and co-workers. I'm proud of what I know tho about all the new authors and books.
[I get kind of nerdy about it tho. Don't read if you can't take it... I'm like damn that's king agammenon's mask not gilgamesh's on the cover of that back. You'd think they'd know that if they were writing a book about gilgamesh! Or I'll be like ok fine Madonna wrote a children's book. But why is James Carville that political commentator with the made up soutern accent from who knows where, reading the book on cd?]
Ok and I also like the different people who come up. I don't appreciate soccer mom's coming up and paying fines on all 6 of their kids cards and finding all sorts of errors on their records.
I also really hate when people like this one lady. This lady had me fax a few papers for her and asked me to help her spell a few words like referal. So I fax them and she says thought she had her money with her but it was at home. So I was like ok I'll hold these here until you get back. And she' like I don't know why you have to do that, I mean they're my resumes. I was like o I guess you're right. But I've already faxed them so all I can do is say I'll trust you to come back and pay. But no she doesn't come back. Liar. People will screw you ever when you trust them. They do it again and again.
But I do like the sweet people who only leave their house to come to the library, know the drill, and are pleasant and nice to talk too. I like the people at work but... ok I have a phobia of groups.
[Ok we're going on an adventure. We're going Side-tracking!] It comes from many years of my childhood being made fun of by groups of kids in strange ways... yea I got made fun of by the smart kids. I know that sounds wierd. But in a private school it's normal. So the teasing was a little more calculated. A little more sneaky. And being that I was afraid to even lift my head and look at people I was never exactly sure what they were doing or if they were doing it... [Ok let's re-group at base camp]
So I've always feel paranoid in groups. I feel like if one person doesn't like me then they all don't. And people are so willing to please everyone that if someone makes a joke about you then they go along with it. I have a problem with one girl who I fear hates me. She's hyper-judgmental and is constantly coming to the back to tell everyone about the idiocies of the patrons who come up to the desk. And I think she hates me and thinks I'm meek, unfeeling, formal, and and idiot. See paranoid. Now how can I know what she thinks? I just told you paranoid.
Serious mood swings this week. There's my depression phase where I deny everything, that anyone loves me, that anything in the world makes sense or matters, and wish myself out of existense but don't think I'd really be better off dead.
Then I get to where I am now. My chescher cat mood. Where I talk in riddles and say pointless things that seem like profound realizations but only to me. Where I make everything that I can think of. My mother hates it. I make fun of every show. I watch those list shows and specials on celebrities and mock their ignorance and arrogance. I can't stop and I can't help it. Tv is full of fools. It is not people as they are but caricatures. And celebrities are the biggest caricatures that we have of our silly societal values.
And society is a stupid game and we know it's stupid because it's all made up. Yes we make up our whole reality of rules and norms. We're all mortal, how can you win these games. The only thing society is good for is for teaching those soul-less individuals whose natures are so selfish that we all must suffer under them. I don't hate them I can't. And I think we're all born good. But some don't learn compassion for other's well. Maybe it is societies fault in the first place that they are so cruel. But at least we have laws to bind them a little. God's really must be testing those born with too much aggression and too little compassion. Does he make them way because that's the hardest test he has for them that they can possibly pass? ... I don't like this paragraph or these thoughts. Ranting over.