Life after high School for the musician
Here's an e-mail that I wrote to a friend of mine tonight, it just explains how i feel right now, with my music and what not. Those of you in high school should really appreciate the time you have, it gets so much more complicated and scary than you would believe.
Hola Chris-
Ever really feel like you want to talk to another musician? Maybe not about music, but just to another musician, well, that's why I'm writting you. It's time like these I feel ... shit all that comes to my head is song lyrics. Don't you love that. It seems to be my biggest problem with songwriting. I find something I really like than I make a particular chord or sing a particular interval that remind me of something else and it just takes me off to lala land and I lose my vision. I really hate that.
Do you ever just get sick of what your doing, of what your playing I mean. Like, the instrument is still what you love, but like your playing something specific that doesn't hold a great deal of interest for you and then you start to almost hate what your doing. To be honest, that's how I feel about Opera. It's never held any great emotion for me. So WHY am I studying it. Because I want to be able to sing the RIGHT way, but when it comes down to it, for what I like, there is no right way of doing it, there is only your own way. I love to sing, it keeps me alive, but Opera is just so fake to me, I mean, the music is real, but what is my part, cliche words that are ALWAYS the same thing, and I can't find the right emotion to back it. I guess it's probably differnt with horn, no words to define your emotions, but then again, if your playing with ensemble, how free are you to really express those emotions? That's what music is to me, emotion. Come to think of it, that's what everything is to me, emotion.
Next on the list, teaching. I don't know what I want, I mean teaching is a great thing to fall back on and to have, but it seems that by having something to fall back on, your almost inviting failure, but NOT to have something would be foolish, unless of course you didn't need the money and were from some wealthy family like the Vanderbilt's or someone. I just don't know, and not knowing seems to be a really hard thing for me, like giving up control. That's why I've had such a hard time graduating. In school, you know what your doing, atleast till you graduate. It's a clear road, with a few bumps, but no great mountains. Now, it's like the road is gone, and there are several paths stemming off, but they are all getting harder to follow, and sometimes there will be trees in your way, and great drops. It's just getting so much harder, and to be perfectly honest, I'm scared to death. I have no clue, and it keeps me up at night trying to figure it out. I can't figure it all out, I know that, but no matter how much I tell myself that, I can't make it stop. How so I seal with this, I mean, it keeps me up nights. It gets better, but it's just so hard to deal with sometimes.
I don't know what I want to do anymore than I know how to do it. I don't even know what I love. I mean, I thought for a long time that performing was not my thing, then I did my last musical, and being out on stage again, in the big playhouse downtown, with all those people watching me, and the excitement in the air, and backstage..... God, it was the most alive I've felt in so long, and I knew that I did want to perform, to be on stage, and do what I loved. And WHY don't I love Opera, I have everything that should make me. I love to be on stage, I love to dress-up, and act, and sing, and I love the language aspect, and traveling is my dream. I love the richness of it, and the smell of the stage in opening night. I love sitting backstage in the dressing rooms and talking, and laughing, and studying lines, and music, So why don't I love Opera? I don't actually expect you to have any clue, as I don't know myself, but it's just so frustrating. I'm a singer/songwriter at heart, but I haven't found my "spot" yet. I guess that's because I haven't found myself yet.
Shit, I don't know. This is what I love, but I don't know if I can do it, and that scares me more than anything else. I don't want to wake up in another 40 years, and discover I've lost my time, I'm doing something I don't really like, just to get by. Something that probably started out as "just until" and ended up being just until I died. I don't want to be miserable, and conform to what society dictates because I think I have no other choice. It's times like these I want to just go to Europe and be a vagabond musician, but then again arises the question, How to you live on that?
Why is this such a hard road for those of us who love it so much? I honestly can't think of another thing I could do with my life and still be happy, but how can I do this? I guess I'm just scared, scared of the unknown. I wish it were an easy road, that could be full of enjoyment and truth, but then, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't mean half as much as it does.
So by this point your probably either thinking "ummmm, your really strange. Leave me alone," or "Hey, YEAH! What the fuck?" or "OH I get it, you need therapy." but whatever, i guess I just think you may have some idea of how I feel because we are kind of on the same road, with music and everything. I didn't write you for answers, more just to talk to someone else who can understand what I'm saying, as so many people I know can't... E-mail me back whenever you get the chance, if just to say you got it. Talk to you soon.
Desi
Hola Chris-
Ever really feel like you want to talk to another musician? Maybe not about music, but just to another musician, well, that's why I'm writting you. It's time like these I feel ... shit all that comes to my head is song lyrics. Don't you love that. It seems to be my biggest problem with songwriting. I find something I really like than I make a particular chord or sing a particular interval that remind me of something else and it just takes me off to lala land and I lose my vision. I really hate that.
Do you ever just get sick of what your doing, of what your playing I mean. Like, the instrument is still what you love, but like your playing something specific that doesn't hold a great deal of interest for you and then you start to almost hate what your doing. To be honest, that's how I feel about Opera. It's never held any great emotion for me. So WHY am I studying it. Because I want to be able to sing the RIGHT way, but when it comes down to it, for what I like, there is no right way of doing it, there is only your own way. I love to sing, it keeps me alive, but Opera is just so fake to me, I mean, the music is real, but what is my part, cliche words that are ALWAYS the same thing, and I can't find the right emotion to back it. I guess it's probably differnt with horn, no words to define your emotions, but then again, if your playing with ensemble, how free are you to really express those emotions? That's what music is to me, emotion. Come to think of it, that's what everything is to me, emotion.
Next on the list, teaching. I don't know what I want, I mean teaching is a great thing to fall back on and to have, but it seems that by having something to fall back on, your almost inviting failure, but NOT to have something would be foolish, unless of course you didn't need the money and were from some wealthy family like the Vanderbilt's or someone. I just don't know, and not knowing seems to be a really hard thing for me, like giving up control. That's why I've had such a hard time graduating. In school, you know what your doing, atleast till you graduate. It's a clear road, with a few bumps, but no great mountains. Now, it's like the road is gone, and there are several paths stemming off, but they are all getting harder to follow, and sometimes there will be trees in your way, and great drops. It's just getting so much harder, and to be perfectly honest, I'm scared to death. I have no clue, and it keeps me up at night trying to figure it out. I can't figure it all out, I know that, but no matter how much I tell myself that, I can't make it stop. How so I seal with this, I mean, it keeps me up nights. It gets better, but it's just so hard to deal with sometimes.
I don't know what I want to do anymore than I know how to do it. I don't even know what I love. I mean, I thought for a long time that performing was not my thing, then I did my last musical, and being out on stage again, in the big playhouse downtown, with all those people watching me, and the excitement in the air, and backstage..... God, it was the most alive I've felt in so long, and I knew that I did want to perform, to be on stage, and do what I loved. And WHY don't I love Opera, I have everything that should make me. I love to be on stage, I love to dress-up, and act, and sing, and I love the language aspect, and traveling is my dream. I love the richness of it, and the smell of the stage in opening night. I love sitting backstage in the dressing rooms and talking, and laughing, and studying lines, and music, So why don't I love Opera? I don't actually expect you to have any clue, as I don't know myself, but it's just so frustrating. I'm a singer/songwriter at heart, but I haven't found my "spot" yet. I guess that's because I haven't found myself yet.
Shit, I don't know. This is what I love, but I don't know if I can do it, and that scares me more than anything else. I don't want to wake up in another 40 years, and discover I've lost my time, I'm doing something I don't really like, just to get by. Something that probably started out as "just until" and ended up being just until I died. I don't want to be miserable, and conform to what society dictates because I think I have no other choice. It's times like these I want to just go to Europe and be a vagabond musician, but then again arises the question, How to you live on that?
Why is this such a hard road for those of us who love it so much? I honestly can't think of another thing I could do with my life and still be happy, but how can I do this? I guess I'm just scared, scared of the unknown. I wish it were an easy road, that could be full of enjoyment and truth, but then, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't mean half as much as it does.
So by this point your probably either thinking "ummmm, your really strange. Leave me alone," or "Hey, YEAH! What the fuck?" or "OH I get it, you need therapy." but whatever, i guess I just think you may have some idea of how I feel because we are kind of on the same road, with music and everything. I didn't write you for answers, more just to talk to someone else who can understand what I'm saying, as so many people I know can't... E-mail me back whenever you get the chance, if just to say you got it. Talk to you soon.
Desi