(no subject)
Why is it always so long between entries?
Probably because I try to live in the outside world, but it's never so simple.
I want to clarify a few things.
I don't have Aspie's, but I do have executive function weaknesses. I'm working on that in a coaching programme, which is pretty helpful when one is trying to write their final thesis with a view to becoming a doctor of psychology within the next year! It's also helped me to start accepting myself for who I am, rather than simply accepting that I have anxiety or whatever. It's part of my biology, but it doesn't have to be part of my identity. I think.
I was with a few partners since W. One as mentioned in an earlier post had depression as well. That ended. We got back in touch recently and seem to be doing okay as friends. I dated someone who was not particularly functional for almost 2 years - he moved in after three months, struggled to pay his bills and eat a balanced diet, and flunked out of his degree. I stood by him the entire time, until I realised the toll it took on me; then it took me ages to admit it; then it took me ages to work up the courage to admit to him, and to try and deal with it, and then to end the relationship. I've been a lot happier since then; I go out more to more activities, more gym (ish), and have made more friends. I went to therapy regularly for a while, with a very formidable lady who is actually well known from her work on TV, too. I had no idea until about 5 months ago...
I met someone else for a flingy sort of relationship. it didn't last long, because we were so different. but. I met someone else. someone who could have been the absolute love of my life. I feel in a way I'm writing this here so he'd find me. Even though he doesn't know I have a blog. How daft is that?
We can't be together, at all. For a variety of reasons, none of which I want to go into, despite the afforded privacy of this blog.
It kills. It really kills. I miss him every day. I met him once face to face, and we spoke on skype and the phone almost every day. His mind is like a bright lightning, striking over and over with precision. a thunderstorm of veritable strength. His laughter is the most adorable thing I ever heard; he tried to pronounce my real name in my mother-tongue (it sounds different to English) and he couldn't stop (a form of autistic inertia according to him) and he started laughing, and then I started laughing because it was so funny and weird and it was 2am and even though I insisted we can't be in a relationship he called us "flow-buddies", like the Tao flow, and we could hear each other's voices pregnant with love. I was literally on clouds the entire time we talked. Then the real clouds set in; when I said I couldn't continue to be with him, he blasted a hole in the sky (figuratively, guys) and a barrage of verbal abuse at me. I know why he did it, and where it came from, but at the time it was frightening and like seeing Loki burst into flames and ice and call down the army of the giants. Hurricane, indeed.
So I loved and lost. One says it is better to have loved and lost, but I don't think that one has ever loved; if one did, one would know the almost insurmountable, immovable pain that my heart swells with.
See this is how I know I love the bastard. He makes me wax and wane poetic. I don't get like this with everyone. In fact, I only ever felt like this around W. So it goes to show, I suppose.
But hey, at least life is moving forward, right?
Probably because I try to live in the outside world, but it's never so simple.
I want to clarify a few things.
I don't have Aspie's, but I do have executive function weaknesses. I'm working on that in a coaching programme, which is pretty helpful when one is trying to write their final thesis with a view to becoming a doctor of psychology within the next year! It's also helped me to start accepting myself for who I am, rather than simply accepting that I have anxiety or whatever. It's part of my biology, but it doesn't have to be part of my identity. I think.
I was with a few partners since W. One as mentioned in an earlier post had depression as well. That ended. We got back in touch recently and seem to be doing okay as friends. I dated someone who was not particularly functional for almost 2 years - he moved in after three months, struggled to pay his bills and eat a balanced diet, and flunked out of his degree. I stood by him the entire time, until I realised the toll it took on me; then it took me ages to admit it; then it took me ages to work up the courage to admit to him, and to try and deal with it, and then to end the relationship. I've been a lot happier since then; I go out more to more activities, more gym (ish), and have made more friends. I went to therapy regularly for a while, with a very formidable lady who is actually well known from her work on TV, too. I had no idea until about 5 months ago...
I met someone else for a flingy sort of relationship. it didn't last long, because we were so different. but. I met someone else. someone who could have been the absolute love of my life. I feel in a way I'm writing this here so he'd find me. Even though he doesn't know I have a blog. How daft is that?
We can't be together, at all. For a variety of reasons, none of which I want to go into, despite the afforded privacy of this blog.
It kills. It really kills. I miss him every day. I met him once face to face, and we spoke on skype and the phone almost every day. His mind is like a bright lightning, striking over and over with precision. a thunderstorm of veritable strength. His laughter is the most adorable thing I ever heard; he tried to pronounce my real name in my mother-tongue (it sounds different to English) and he couldn't stop (a form of autistic inertia according to him) and he started laughing, and then I started laughing because it was so funny and weird and it was 2am and even though I insisted we can't be in a relationship he called us "flow-buddies", like the Tao flow, and we could hear each other's voices pregnant with love. I was literally on clouds the entire time we talked. Then the real clouds set in; when I said I couldn't continue to be with him, he blasted a hole in the sky (figuratively, guys) and a barrage of verbal abuse at me. I know why he did it, and where it came from, but at the time it was frightening and like seeing Loki burst into flames and ice and call down the army of the giants. Hurricane, indeed.
So I loved and lost. One says it is better to have loved and lost, but I don't think that one has ever loved; if one did, one would know the almost insurmountable, immovable pain that my heart swells with.
See this is how I know I love the bastard. He makes me wax and wane poetic. I don't get like this with everyone. In fact, I only ever felt like this around W. So it goes to show, I suppose.
But hey, at least life is moving forward, right?