What is my life?
I hate nights alone. I feel so freaking alone and disconnected. Amanda is staying at her mom's house tonight and Colleen has been sleeping for hours now. It's just me and my thoughts. And this is how I start going crazy and slipping into anxiety attacks. It's so damn pathetic. I can't be alone for one night without losing my god damn mind?
I have to move back into my grandmas in a month or so because my lease is up on the apartment, and I can't afford to renew it. And the part that is scaring me the most is that I'll be alone there. Amanda already told me she's going back home, and that she won't be spending every weekend and most of the week there like she had been before I moved here.
That's going to kill me. I'm certainly not mad at her or anything. I understand why she feels the need to stay home instead of spend every night with me. But it absolutely terrifies me to think I'll be alone all the time there. Every night.
Before Amanda started spending every day with me, I had fandom. I had all my friends on here from the Idol fandom and stuff, and someone was always online for me to talk to all night. But now it's kind of a ghost town around here, and I burned a lot or bridges and lost touch with a lot of people from here. So nobody really wants to spend all night chatting with me. I haven't made a new friend online in almost 2 years, and I've done a terrible job being a good friend to you guys. I haven't made a new friend in the real world in even longer. I feel like I've lost everything that's made me interesting or something. I wish tumblr was more personal, because I don't know how to talk to people on there. I wouldn't mind making friends on there... but I don't know how people do it. There's no real way to chat or anything. The stupid thing is, I like me. I like my personality most of the time. I think I'm funny and supportive and all that shit. So why is it so hard for me to make friends all of a sudden?
I NEED CONNECTION TO VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Pathetic.
I have a paper to write. I'll just fuck off and do that now. Sorry for the rambling.
Also, I'm going to start signing into AIM again. Feel free to drop me a message. I haven't used AIM in 10,000 years. I'm a dinosaur.
I have to move back into my grandmas in a month or so because my lease is up on the apartment, and I can't afford to renew it. And the part that is scaring me the most is that I'll be alone there. Amanda already told me she's going back home, and that she won't be spending every weekend and most of the week there like she had been before I moved here.
That's going to kill me. I'm certainly not mad at her or anything. I understand why she feels the need to stay home instead of spend every night with me. But it absolutely terrifies me to think I'll be alone all the time there. Every night.
Before Amanda started spending every day with me, I had fandom. I had all my friends on here from the Idol fandom and stuff, and someone was always online for me to talk to all night. But now it's kind of a ghost town around here, and I burned a lot or bridges and lost touch with a lot of people from here. So nobody really wants to spend all night chatting with me. I haven't made a new friend online in almost 2 years, and I've done a terrible job being a good friend to you guys. I haven't made a new friend in the real world in even longer. I feel like I've lost everything that's made me interesting or something. I wish tumblr was more personal, because I don't know how to talk to people on there. I wouldn't mind making friends on there... but I don't know how people do it. There's no real way to chat or anything. The stupid thing is, I like me. I like my personality most of the time. I think I'm funny and supportive and all that shit. So why is it so hard for me to make friends all of a sudden?
I NEED CONNECTION TO VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Pathetic.
I have a paper to write. I'll just fuck off and do that now. Sorry for the rambling.
Also, I'm going to start signing into AIM again. Feel free to drop me a message. I haven't used AIM in 10,000 years. I'm a dinosaur.