Project Runway 4 - Episode 1 - Fat & Fabric
First and foremost, I think every single one of them is tattooed; it’s pretty awesome. Here are my first impressions and predictions for Season 4 of Project Runway.
(Would somebody please write to Heidi Klum and let her know that she’s being redundant when she says, “Models, this is also a chance for you to win as well.” ??? AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
The first 2 ladies to arrive size each other up like a couple of gang members, but both pretend to be buddies I guess because it’s early on in the show. One of them, Jillian, obviously thinks she’s the cat’s pajamas, but the bitch is wearing a cotton halter jumper with culottes’ legs and white shoes. She and the other, Carmen (a former model, and I guess we’re supposed to give a shit), decide to hurriedly unpack their toiletries “before those other girls get here”, when in walks *guitar riff* Kit Pistol, who looks like she cut her bangs with safety scissors while a Claire’s Boutique discount bin was being dumped on her. Seriously, what’s with the Sergeant Pepper jacket? Soon after, Sweet Pea the former biker arrives. She reminds me of a curvy tattooed Shelley Duvall (who incidentally was in the “Popeye” movie. There’s gotta be some kinda 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon game in this logic).
The rest of the women at this point leave no lasting impressions. But I must stress the words “at this point”. Heavily.
Anywho, all of the dudes are gay I think, especially Kevin, the lone man to say into the camera that he’s straight. SUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE you are bro. I was immediately drawn to Chris the token fat guy. I immediately detested Christian “I’m Kinda Big Deal”, the Alexander McQueen Fan Club President. I’m sure he paid a pretty penny (giggle, that one always tickles me) for that asymmetrical hairdo (or maybe he’s buds with *guitar riff* Kit Pistol). Even he, the bespectacled Pompous Elf, has a rather large-ish tattoo. Ponderous (Oh Em Gee, his tattoo is an OCTOPUS, much like the one in *gasp* the “Popeye” movie! Dude, that’s creepy).
In the first challenge, the 15 contestants had to dash across a soccer field at Bryant Park toward 3 popup tents filled with either 50- or 15- thousand dollars (I don’t remember which) worth of textiles from Mood and grab as much as they could in a set amount of time. A woman I had yet to pay attention to, Elisa, gave Heidi a sunflower as she ran by. Teacher’s pet, huh? Not quite, but I’ll get to that. Poor Chris the token fat guy! How mean to put the tents so far away. *Guitar riff* Kit Pistol and Gay Kevin both wanted the same plaid fabric but he beat her. I was indifferent, I just wanted Chris to get good materials (luckily he did).
Before everyone headed back to the workroom, Elisa decided to smoosh her silk chiffon fabric into the grass to give it a more organic aura or some hippie bullshit. I thought to myself that the producers must have been overjoyed when they saw that scene… a crazy person always means good ratings.
Onto the clothes. Christian designed a Mrs. Olsen waist jacket and an oddly-pleated skirt. I HATED THAT OUTFIT. *Guitar riff* Kit Pistol asked if anyone knew what time it was when a gigantic 3’ wall clock was a foot away from her. But I was actually beginning to like her, based solely on her fabric choices. Gay Kevin’s dress was pretty too. Never trust your first impressions with reality TV! Chris chose a beautiful purple silk charmeuse but I couldn’t stand the huge bow in the back. Jillian Bitch made a strangely stiff scarlet red cocktail dress that would have been more at home in the Barbie challenge from PR2. In fact, many of the designs seemed gaudy to me. There was an awful lot of shiny crap and how many chignon buns can we fit into one runway show? Apparently Heidi was feeling generous with her German KB because all of the judges had to be stoned off their rockers; they liked the Mrs. Olsen jacket! WHAT? Thank the stars that Rami the Bald Fabio managed to drape his way to a win, but when I looked at his garment all I could really focus on was the fact that I miss “Rome”.
I’ve saved the best for last. About this Elisa person (whom Christian refers to as a “Rain Goddess Woman” in the “Himalayan mountains”… um). OK, she’s into yoga and wouldn’t know a blotting paper from a sanitary napkin. That’s not the problem. I’m not usually one for quoting supermodels, but Heidi couldn’t have said it better when she observed that the model wearing Elisa’s gown “looked like she was pooing fabric”. I don’t know how she managed to do it, but the turquoise suede gogo boots looked absolutely ridiculous when paired with the Monstrosity Dress (but is there ever really a time when turquoise suede gogo boots look serious?). The Rain Goddess was forgiving of her and this bland blonde broad named Simone couldn’t sew to save her life. So we get to enjoy another episode with Elisa’s granola-Namaste-dream catcher shenanigans… with crystals. And incense. And ankle bells. (I swear I’ve seen her at Kerrville).
Predictions following Episode 1:
Winner - Jack (the Gay Tattooed Super Hero)
Runners up - Victorya (the token petite Asian) & my teddy bear Chris
Next person out - Maybe my voodoo’s on today. I hereby curse thee to be OUT, Christian the Pompous Elf.
Next week I’ll be covering tonight’s episode (that would be #2) WITH VISUAL AIDS.
(Would somebody please write to Heidi Klum and let her know that she’s being redundant when she says, “Models, this is also a chance for you to win as well.” ??? AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
The first 2 ladies to arrive size each other up like a couple of gang members, but both pretend to be buddies I guess because it’s early on in the show. One of them, Jillian, obviously thinks she’s the cat’s pajamas, but the bitch is wearing a cotton halter jumper with culottes’ legs and white shoes. She and the other, Carmen (a former model, and I guess we’re supposed to give a shit), decide to hurriedly unpack their toiletries “before those other girls get here”, when in walks *guitar riff* Kit Pistol, who looks like she cut her bangs with safety scissors while a Claire’s Boutique discount bin was being dumped on her. Seriously, what’s with the Sergeant Pepper jacket? Soon after, Sweet Pea the former biker arrives. She reminds me of a curvy tattooed Shelley Duvall (who incidentally was in the “Popeye” movie. There’s gotta be some kinda 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon game in this logic).
The rest of the women at this point leave no lasting impressions. But I must stress the words “at this point”. Heavily.
Anywho, all of the dudes are gay I think, especially Kevin, the lone man to say into the camera that he’s straight. SUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE you are bro. I was immediately drawn to Chris the token fat guy. I immediately detested Christian “I’m Kinda Big Deal”, the Alexander McQueen Fan Club President. I’m sure he paid a pretty penny (giggle, that one always tickles me) for that asymmetrical hairdo (or maybe he’s buds with *guitar riff* Kit Pistol). Even he, the bespectacled Pompous Elf, has a rather large-ish tattoo. Ponderous (Oh Em Gee, his tattoo is an OCTOPUS, much like the one in *gasp* the “Popeye” movie! Dude, that’s creepy).
In the first challenge, the 15 contestants had to dash across a soccer field at Bryant Park toward 3 popup tents filled with either 50- or 15- thousand dollars (I don’t remember which) worth of textiles from Mood and grab as much as they could in a set amount of time. A woman I had yet to pay attention to, Elisa, gave Heidi a sunflower as she ran by. Teacher’s pet, huh? Not quite, but I’ll get to that. Poor Chris the token fat guy! How mean to put the tents so far away. *Guitar riff* Kit Pistol and Gay Kevin both wanted the same plaid fabric but he beat her. I was indifferent, I just wanted Chris to get good materials (luckily he did).
Before everyone headed back to the workroom, Elisa decided to smoosh her silk chiffon fabric into the grass to give it a more organic aura or some hippie bullshit. I thought to myself that the producers must have been overjoyed when they saw that scene… a crazy person always means good ratings.
Onto the clothes. Christian designed a Mrs. Olsen waist jacket and an oddly-pleated skirt. I HATED THAT OUTFIT. *Guitar riff* Kit Pistol asked if anyone knew what time it was when a gigantic 3’ wall clock was a foot away from her. But I was actually beginning to like her, based solely on her fabric choices. Gay Kevin’s dress was pretty too. Never trust your first impressions with reality TV! Chris chose a beautiful purple silk charmeuse but I couldn’t stand the huge bow in the back. Jillian Bitch made a strangely stiff scarlet red cocktail dress that would have been more at home in the Barbie challenge from PR2. In fact, many of the designs seemed gaudy to me. There was an awful lot of shiny crap and how many chignon buns can we fit into one runway show? Apparently Heidi was feeling generous with her German KB because all of the judges had to be stoned off their rockers; they liked the Mrs. Olsen jacket! WHAT? Thank the stars that Rami the Bald Fabio managed to drape his way to a win, but when I looked at his garment all I could really focus on was the fact that I miss “Rome”.
I’ve saved the best for last. About this Elisa person (whom Christian refers to as a “Rain Goddess Woman” in the “Himalayan mountains”… um). OK, she’s into yoga and wouldn’t know a blotting paper from a sanitary napkin. That’s not the problem. I’m not usually one for quoting supermodels, but Heidi couldn’t have said it better when she observed that the model wearing Elisa’s gown “looked like she was pooing fabric”. I don’t know how she managed to do it, but the turquoise suede gogo boots looked absolutely ridiculous when paired with the Monstrosity Dress (but is there ever really a time when turquoise suede gogo boots look serious?). The Rain Goddess was forgiving of her and this bland blonde broad named Simone couldn’t sew to save her life. So we get to enjoy another episode with Elisa’s granola-Namaste-dream catcher shenanigans… with crystals. And incense. And ankle bells. (I swear I’ve seen her at Kerrville).
Predictions following Episode 1:
Winner - Jack (the Gay Tattooed Super Hero)
Runners up - Victorya (the token petite Asian) & my teddy bear Chris
Next person out - Maybe my voodoo’s on today. I hereby curse thee to be OUT, Christian the Pompous Elf.
Next week I’ll be covering tonight’s episode (that would be #2) WITH VISUAL AIDS.