Triggering Movie

[ladyindustrial]

In the last days, I've been watching movies every morning between 4 & 6 A.M. Mostly movies about self-harming and eating disorders. I don't really know what was my reason for doing so, but I just had the feeling that I had to do it. So far I've watched Thirteen, When Friendship Kills, Painful Secret and I was going for Sharing the Secret this morning when I changed my mind and decided to go for Girl, Interrupted. So far, I didn't had any urge while watching the movies but strangely, Girl, Interrupted was too much to handle. I tried to act normal all day, tried to forget the movie even if I thought it was really great, but in vain. I ate much more than usually, cried, slept a lot and finally, a few hours ago, I made myself a peanut butter toast and went in the bathroom to cut myself. It was almost a week, but I couldn't wait any longer. At first, I told myself "One for the extra apple cake piece I allowed myself to take, one for the toast". My food schedule today was supposed to be: 

• 100gr. of yogurt
• 1 toast with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter
• 1 mango
• A few apple slices
• A little bowl of vegetables cream soup 
• And a little piece of apple cake because it's my brother's birthday

I had eaten another apple cake piece and a extra toast, so it seemed well-justified to make two cuts. I took my hidden blade, raised my t-shirt and tried to cut on my ribs but the two first cuts weren't bloody. So I tried a third time but it didn't work. I ended up with six cuts instead of two and blood dripping on my ribs. I felt guilty for a second but now I'm just...indifferent. I cut. Okay...So what? The worse is that I know why I did it, I know what triggered this urge. In Girl, Interrupted, there was Brittany Murphy -first thing to make me sad. I really loved that actress. But more than the actual actress, I could relate to Daisy. And somehow, I fear that one of these days, I'll meet my Lisa who will tell me the truth I don't wanna hear. And I know I can't handle that. I know I'll end up like Daisy, hanged in my bathroom. What will I do when I'll meet my Lisa? Will I be able to shrug off the truth?