The Broken Edge, Chapter 67, "Broken".
In which the survivors mourn, recover and regroup.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: Well, this is the end, for now. I'll definitely write follow-ups, of course, but for now, we've come to the end of the road.
Away from the massacre, the survivors were still mourning.
Luke couldn’t deny it; he was still in shock after what just happened. To think that Ben had done this, to think that he had snapped like this...
Where had he gone wrong? Where had he failed Ben -- failed Leia for that matter? Because he knew that he had failed Leia as well.
Leia just looked tired. There were bruise-like shadows under her eyes, and Luke doubted that he had ever seen her this tired, this defeated, this...devastated. What had happened...
What had happened? How could he have not realized Snoke had infiltrated his Academy?
“I’m sorry, Leia,” Luke said. “I’m so sorry. I failed you, I failed Ben.”
“No. It wasn’t that.”
“But I didn’t see Snoke when I ought to have -- ’’
“He was clever,” Leia said bitterly. “I’ll grant him that. I never thought he would actually follow Ben to Yavin. Let alone do all this...”
“I didn’t think so either.” Luke wondered if that was how others felt after Palpatine was revealed to be Sidious. The matter of how-did-we-not-know and how-did-he-infiltrate-the-Senate-like-that. It seemed that history repeated itself again and again.
Leia was quiet. Then, “Part of it was Ben.”
“Leia -- ’’
“He was never strong enough.”
“Leia!”
“It’s true. He wasn’t strong enough to resist Snoke. He never was. He wasn’t.”
The silence between them both was all but devastating.
“Leia.” Luke looked at her in astonishment. “How can you even say that? Snoke would have gotten to any of us. He really would have.”
“I know. But he was always susceptible to Snoke’s influence. Snoke preyed on him -- ’’
“He was just a little boy. Are you really going to blame a little boy for being manipulated by a more powerful adult?”
“Of course not, Luke. But -- ’’
“Did you ever really think of him as human? Did any of us, actually, besides Han? Besides Poe? We saw things in him that were evil, that were disgusting, things that should have been perfectly normal to a small child. We saw so many awful things in him but did we ever see the good?”
Leia’s breath seemed to hitch, as if she was fully comprehending what exactly happened. “Did we ever?” she said, almost as if in shock. “Did we...” Then she turned to look at Luke. “He meant the galaxy to me.”
“I know. But that by itself isn’t a guarantee that we’ll be perfect. That by itself isn’t a guarantee that we’ll be free from mistakes.”
“No.” Leia took a deep breath. “Luke...is part of this our fault?”
“I don’t know,” Luke said.
Han rounded a corner just then.
“What the hell is going on here?” Han said. “Is Ben all right?”
“Snoke claimed him.” And even those words, those horrifying words -- Luke had to force them out. Gasp them out.
Han rose sharply from where he was sitting. “Snoke what?”
“Snoke claimed him.” Leia managed to vocalize what Luke barely could, and her voice was shaking, trembling. “I don't know how, exactly, but he persuaded Ben to go to his side.”
“He tried persuading Ben that he was doing a good thing.”
Han, meanwhile, looked as if he had been slapped -- and that slowly turned to anger.
“You’re sick. You’re both sick. How can you even say something like that?”
“Han, it’s true.” Alora looked at him in that moment, and her eyes were wide with pity, yet a desire for Han to understand. “We found the bodies -- ’’
“It could have been anyone!”
“Ben was there. We confronted him.” Luke said. “Han...I know you're upset, I know you don’t want to believe it. But he was there.”
“But why would he -- ’’
“I told you,” Leia said. “It was Snoke.”
Han looked from Leia to Luke to Alora, as if trying to digest the horrible truth for himself. Finally, he said, “I don’t believe you. I...I just...Ben wouldn’t do this...”
“Han -- ’’ Luke began.
Han left. Luke looked after him, quietly mourning for all of them.
***
Chewie was the first one to come after him, grunting in concern.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Han ran a hand through his hair. He should have reacted better, but what Luke had said...
Luke couldn’t have hurt him more than if he reached out suddenly and set Han on fire.
Even trying to picture Ben doing what he did, he couldn’t. Ben, who wouldn’t have hurt a gizka let alone several younglings. Ben, who had been so gentle with Jaina, like she was something precious. Ben, who had come running towards him when he disembarked from the Falcon with a sort of grin that would have lit up a whole galaxy. Ben, who had helped him fix the Falcon, Ben, who would tell him stories, in person and through his letters, about the adventures that he had been on. Ben, who he’d read stories to and watched holovids with and played games with...
And that didn’t stop you from leaving him, did it, Solo?
Where’d you go wrong? Was it the constant fights with Leia? Was it the matter of you not seeing your son enough even before he got sent off to Jedi-land? Where exactly did you kriff up, Solo? One specific instance? Sixteen?
Yeah, maybe sixteen would do. Sixteen would do a lot. Sixteen summed it all up, actually. He had tried so hard to make things better for Ben than things had been for him that he had ended up driving Ben away.
Yeah, that was it. It had to be.
“Captain Solo?”
Huyang. Han thought he had seen him before around the Academy. He raised his head. “Hey.”
“Is all well?”
“Fine as it can be.” Han could swear that damn droid was judging him. Like it was somehow his fault that Ben had done what he did. Apparently.
Silence. Then Huyang spoke, gently. “Your son was always troubled, wasn’t he?”
“What the stang is that supposed to mean?”
“There was always too much Vader in him,” Huyang said.
Han could have sworn that he felt like he had been punched in the chest. “He wasn’t like that at all!”
“They were both very similar, weren’t they?” Huyang continued. “Temperaments, passions...there is, after all, nothing stronger than genetics, is there?”
“He wasn’t...” Han found himself trailing off. But what about those bodies? What Luke and Alora found?
“I’m sorry, Captain,” Huyang said.
“Y’know, Huyang...you’re a bastard. You really are. You’re too willing to pin the blame on Ben’s genetics, but stars forbid you actually take a look at yourselves.”
“I -- ’’
“Because you hated him, that’s why,” Han said. “You hated him for being different, being imperfect -- you hated any trace of imperfection in him. Did you ever try and help him after Thomas died, or after I had to...to...”
He broke off. He could barely finish the sentence, the sentence about one of the worst days of his life.
“Captain Solo, please. You’re not thinking rationally.”
“You broke my boy. And I’m not forgiving either you or Snoke for that.”
Huyang’s voice took on as much of a note of sorrow as a droid could. “You’re grieving. I can hear it in your voice. I know that you loved him more than anything, Captain.”
“You don't know what the kriff those words mean, pal. I don't think you’d know them if they danced in front of you wearing that Hutt slave outfit.”
“Captain -- ’’
Even as Han stormed away, he could have sworn that he heard Huyang say, “I’m sorry, Captain.” He wasn’t up for it. He wasn’t up for hearing a likely fake apology from the Jedi Order. Sorry we let you down, Han. Sorry we kriffed up your son, humiliated him and put him down, stripped him of his dignity, and many other things. Sorry we couldn't protect him.
Chewie followed, and grunted in concern, in worry.
“I’m okay, pal. Really.” Well, he wasn’t okay, not in the slightest. How could Huyang say those things? How could anyone? How --
“The way he talked about Ben...” But it was more than just that. Han had a feeling that if he had less self-control, he probably would have punched Huyang out somehow, even if his hand got injured in the process.
Because Ben couldn’t be that man. It was completely, utterly wrong.
“Master Huyang should not have spoken of you in such a manner either.”
“Yeah.” Han sighed. “I’m just sick of it, Chewie. Sick of all of it.”
“As the old human expression goes, join the club.”
Han laughed bitterly. “You too?”
“We lost someone of great value to us. A family member. The bonds of family can’t be broken, can they?”
Lost. Han didn’t believe it. He couldn’t.
He’s not gone. He can't be gone. Luke probably didn't even try, did he --
But Luke did. No, scratch try; Luke did reach out to Ben. And for some reason, Ben hadn't been up for listening to what Luke had to say. If even Luke couldn’t reach him...
But he’s not lost. He can't be.
“This can’t be it, Chewie,” Han finally said. “This...it’s ridiculous to think this way but it can’t be all there is.”
“There’s nothing ridiculous about how you feel. The bond between a father and his cub is not easily broken, is it?”
“No. I guess it’s not.” Because Han loved him. Loved that difficult, complicated boy. Leaving him had been as awful for him as it had been for Ben, and he knew that he shouldn't have left. He had wanted so hard to make sure that Ben never knew disappointment and...what happened?
And Han knew he loved him because he couldn't accept, somehow, that this was all there was. It was something he should have seen coming. Parents were pretty willing to defend their kids who’d taken a wrong turn somehow and hearing about those stories had made Han roll his eyes in disgust reading them. “Are they delusional?” he’d said to Chewie when hearing those stories on the Holonet. “How can they say this stuff?” And Chewie had agreed with him.
Now Han knew. Because he’d fallen into that trap himself. Because he refused to believe that this was it for Ben. How could Luke talk some sense into Vader at the last minute but he couldn't save Ben? Stang, he and Vader did the same things...
And that realization chilled him. He and Vader did the same things. Minus the choking one’s wife part, minus the lava part. But the rest...
But that can't be all there is. It just can’t...
It couldn’t be the end of this.
“It can't be all there is.” Han ran a hand through his hair, feeling suddenly as if he had aged ten years. “It can't...”
Han’s voice cracked, and it really was only Chewie’s arms wrapped around him, in the end, that kept him from falling.
***
Poe Dameron couldn’t sleep.
Jessika was asleep, thank goodness, as were the others. Poe envied them. He could only lie awake, listening to the sound of one of his squadmates muttering something about tauntauns cheating at dejarik (lucky bastard), desperate to get to sleep.
Poe, meanwhile, doubted that he could get to sleep. He had to find Ben. He had to search through the databases, he had to find a way to find out what happened to him.
He knew already someone was going to chew him out for it. Rieekan, maybe. There’d be nothing but sympathy in his eyes while doing so. “Ben’s probably dead, son. I’m sorry. You can’t just be using the Holonet to look up a dead person.”
He typed in the search terms. Ben Solo.
Nothing came up.
But that couldn’t be, could it?
He typed in Yavin IV massacre.
There were articles, of course, about the massacre, listing off names of the dead -- Jim Nichos, Gabriel Naris, and more for that matter -- Matthew Travis speculating that the destruction was some sort of conspiracy (which led Poe clicking out in disgust. Did this man have no concept of poor taste?), and some people talking about Ben, how he’d saved them, given them hope for their lives, and much more. Poe doubted that even the most complimentary obituary for Ben Solo could sum up how wonderful Ben really was. They didn't talk about the moments he cracked jokes. They didn't talk about the worsening depression that seemed to settle over him like a stormcloud. They didn't talk about his smile, which Poe had found was one of the most beautiful things in the galaxy.
Ben was too bright, too beautiful a star, to ever be really talked about.
Poe could come up with an obituary in his mind, of course. Ben Solo was a beautiful, uncommonly kind young man I knew who would do anything for justice...
And even those writings, in that obituary in Poe’s mind...he doubted they could suffice.
And it was there that it truly hit him.
Ben was dead.
No, Ben couldn't be dead. He was strong, he was clever, he would have found a way out of this. It couldn’t end there. And Poe would find out what happened to him. The man he loved above all others, the man who was the galaxy to him.
“I won’t stop looking for you, Ben,” Poe said to the empty air. “I promise.”
No reply. Jessika murmured something in her sleep that sounded like “feeding the banthas is difficult when they have sharp teeth” -- whatever she was dreaming about, Poe didn’t know. He turned back to the empty air, spoke to it with such tenderness.
“I love you.” he said.
And that...that was no lie.
***
Leia couldn’t sleep. It seemed that the argument between her and Luke replayed in her head, Not to mention Han storming off. Just the sheer anger there had hurt, and gave her a feeling that she had likely lost Han for good.
As if she didn’t lose him before. Han had been so devastated when she had sent Ben away -- “ditched him”, as he put it -- that she thought she was going to lose him then in that moment. Now, it seemed, was when she lost him for good.
Luke and Han seemed to think that she didn’t love Ben. Didn’t love her own son. Never mind that it was nothing like that at all. She knew, she just knew, that Ben wouldn’t have fallen if it wasn’t for Snoke. Snoke had always been watching her son. How much influence Snoke really had on Ben, she didn’t know, but he had had some sort of influence. Who’s holding who prisoner came to mind. Who was truly influencing Ben? For all intents and purposes, her son was as good as a prisoner.
And it was her fault.
She didn’t mean it, of course. The bad parents, the flawed parents, they never really meant it, did they? But if she had done something differently, if she had known...
But how was she supposed to know even Luke wasn’t safe? It was like no matter where they went, Snoke would have found them. Like a predator too bent on their prey, and ruining their lives.
No, she didn’t hate her own child. In the end, she only mourned for him, and mourned for how things had splintered between her and Han. Half the things she said she hadn’t meant, had mostly been spillovers of pure anger and grief and my-fault-all-my-fault.
If I had been more careful. If I hadn’t thought the worst of a little boy. If I had told Han. If, if, if...
So many ifs. Too many of them, actually.
She couldn’t travel back to the past and warn her younger self. But she could try and rescue Ben now.
In the end, that’s what mattered most.
***
It wasn’t long before Han saw Luke heading towards the shuttle.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ve got work to do, Han.”
“And Ben?”
Luke took a deep breath. He actually looked burdened. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen to him. After what he’s done...”
And it was there that it hit Han too much like an oncoming speeder. Luke, the man who had encouraged him to stay with the Rebellion, who with Leia saw things in Han that he hadn’t even known existed, was leaving. He wasn’t even trying to save Ben, his student
it’s all his fault, a voice in the back of his mind said. if he had actually treated Ben like a person and not some minefield waiting to be detonated --
but it was more complicated than that, wasn’t it?
wasn’t even trying to fight back against Snoke, but instead he was just running away. Running to who-knew-where in the galaxy, and leaving all of them behind to clean up his mess.
What had happened to Luke, anyway?
You never give up, kid. Come on. What changed in you anyway?
“Dear stars,” Han said. “You were willing to go through hell for Vader but not for my own son?”
“Han, it’s not like that at all -- ’’
“You’re a kriffing coward. And a hypocrite. You remember you gave me an earful when I tried leaving the Rebellion? And now you’re just gonna start running until you can’t see Ben anymore. What’s wrong with you?”
Silence.
“He needed you! Stang, you didn’t see how he looked, did you?” A pause. “Well, did you? Did you see how he cried out in his sleep, or did you just not give a bantha’s cargo -- ’’
“Han,” Luke said, “It’s not like that at all.”
“Then what the stang was it like? You know, Luke, I don’t get it. I just don’t. You thought he was a freak just because he didn’t recite the Jedi Code backwards and forwards, and Leia was just enacting her own little psychodrama on Ben because she couldn’t see anything but dear old dad. Never mind Ben was a kriffing child, for the stars’ sakes! Do you assume all Dark Side kids are like the kids in holos who kill their older sisters or something? Coming out of the womb evil? What about you, Luke? You were a Sith’s son, and you’re not evil. Why is Ben any different?”
“Han, please -- ’’
“You didn’t see the way Leia looked at him. At her own child. Like he was some kind of freak or something. And don't think I didn’t see the way you looked at him too.”
Luke looked away, and for the first time since Han had seen him, he actually looked abashed, even guilty. Then, “I promised to protect him. Every action he took, it was a reflection of my own failing to keep my promise to Leia. I was afraid, and I let fear blind me.” Beat. “I’m not a perfect man, Han. I’d like to be, but I’m not. But Ben meant the galaxy to me. You’re not the only one who loved him, Han.”
Han paused. He wasn’t Force sensitive. He couldn’t sense any of what Luke was thinking or feeling -- Ben was always the telepath, always the one who could read what others were thinking. But Luke...
There was something in Luke’s voice that let Han know full well that he wasn’t lying.
“As for Leia...I don’t know.” Luke’s voice was soft, but he could meet Han’s eyes again. “I know she came to me saying that she was scared of a presence stalking Ben.”
“Who?”
Luke sighed. “I don’t know. I’m thinking it was Snoke, but I haven’t found a connection yet. I don’t know if there’s a connection between the living shadow and Snoke. It could have been anyone. But Leia was afraid of that presence. That’s why she sent him away.”
“She could have told me.”
“She didn’t know how to.”
Silence reigned between the two men. Han took a deep breath, feeling, suddenly, the sheer rottenness of his words crashing down on him. He shouldn’t have even said that. After seeing the sheer agony that Leia had gone through...
“I was an idiot, Luke.”
“Understandable.” Luke sighed. “It’s a very...charged situation right now. And it’s going to get worse in a hurry. That’s why I have to leave, Han. That’s why I have to act.”
“Where are you gonna go?”
“There’s a Jedi Temple out there,” Luke said. “The first one. Rumors say the Empire actually sought to destroy it like they did with the other temples over the years that they conquered, but they never found the last piece of the map.” He smiled. “If we can get the upper hand on them somehow, we still have a chance.”
“Good thinking, kid.”
“Where are you going to go?” Luke said.
“To find Ben. If he’s still out there...” Han sighed. Somehow he couldn’t bear the idea that Ben was gone, completely gone. He had to be able to be saved, somehow.
“Good thinking, Han. If you find him...”
“Do you want me to tell you what I find?”
“I don't know if it’s possible,” Luke said. “I have to keep my tracks covered. If the First Order finds the lost Temple, they won’t hesitate to finish what Palpatine started. But...tell him that his family still loves him greatly, and is waiting for him.”
Damn right. “I will. Luke? May the Force be with you.”
“And you.”
Then Luke boarded the shuttle, and he was gone.
Han sighed. “Be safe out there, kid,” he said, to the place where the shuttle had been.
Chewie grunted.
“Chewie, I know, it is crazy, but he’s out there. I know he’s out there. And I have to go and find him. I have to save him.” Han sighed. “He can’t be lost forever. Snoke can’t have claimed him for his own. I’ll be damned if that actually happened.”
A grunt from Chewie. “You don’t even know where he is, though.”
“Then I’ll never stop looking for him.” Han started up the Falcon.
“You don’t know how long it will take.”
“Chewie -- remember when I went out to go and save Luke at Hoth? How that turned out okay in the end?”
An affirmative grunt.
“Do you know why I did it, Chewie? Because Luke was my friend, and I wasn’t going to leave him to whatever wampas or other creatures came along. Same with Ben. I’m not going to leave him to Snoke.”
“No.” Chewie growled. “We won’t leave him to that...monster.”
“That’s the spirit. Come on!” Han headed towards the Millennium Falcon, and it was then that the Falcon flew off, into the galaxy and towards an uncertain future.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: Well, this is the end, for now. I'll definitely write follow-ups, of course, but for now, we've come to the end of the road.
Away from the massacre, the survivors were still mourning.
Luke couldn’t deny it; he was still in shock after what just happened. To think that Ben had done this, to think that he had snapped like this...
Where had he gone wrong? Where had he failed Ben -- failed Leia for that matter? Because he knew that he had failed Leia as well.
Leia just looked tired. There were bruise-like shadows under her eyes, and Luke doubted that he had ever seen her this tired, this defeated, this...devastated. What had happened...
What had happened? How could he have not realized Snoke had infiltrated his Academy?
“I’m sorry, Leia,” Luke said. “I’m so sorry. I failed you, I failed Ben.”
“No. It wasn’t that.”
“But I didn’t see Snoke when I ought to have -- ’’
“He was clever,” Leia said bitterly. “I’ll grant him that. I never thought he would actually follow Ben to Yavin. Let alone do all this...”
“I didn’t think so either.” Luke wondered if that was how others felt after Palpatine was revealed to be Sidious. The matter of how-did-we-not-know and how-did-he-infiltrate-the-Senate-like-that. It seemed that history repeated itself again and again.
Leia was quiet. Then, “Part of it was Ben.”
“Leia -- ’’
“He was never strong enough.”
“Leia!”
“It’s true. He wasn’t strong enough to resist Snoke. He never was. He wasn’t.”
The silence between them both was all but devastating.
“Leia.” Luke looked at her in astonishment. “How can you even say that? Snoke would have gotten to any of us. He really would have.”
“I know. But he was always susceptible to Snoke’s influence. Snoke preyed on him -- ’’
“He was just a little boy. Are you really going to blame a little boy for being manipulated by a more powerful adult?”
“Of course not, Luke. But -- ’’
“Did you ever really think of him as human? Did any of us, actually, besides Han? Besides Poe? We saw things in him that were evil, that were disgusting, things that should have been perfectly normal to a small child. We saw so many awful things in him but did we ever see the good?”
Leia’s breath seemed to hitch, as if she was fully comprehending what exactly happened. “Did we ever?” she said, almost as if in shock. “Did we...” Then she turned to look at Luke. “He meant the galaxy to me.”
“I know. But that by itself isn’t a guarantee that we’ll be perfect. That by itself isn’t a guarantee that we’ll be free from mistakes.”
“No.” Leia took a deep breath. “Luke...is part of this our fault?”
“I don’t know,” Luke said.
Han rounded a corner just then.
“What the hell is going on here?” Han said. “Is Ben all right?”
“Snoke claimed him.” And even those words, those horrifying words -- Luke had to force them out. Gasp them out.
Han rose sharply from where he was sitting. “Snoke what?”
“Snoke claimed him.” Leia managed to vocalize what Luke barely could, and her voice was shaking, trembling. “I don't know how, exactly, but he persuaded Ben to go to his side.”
“He tried persuading Ben that he was doing a good thing.”
Han, meanwhile, looked as if he had been slapped -- and that slowly turned to anger.
“You’re sick. You’re both sick. How can you even say something like that?”
“Han, it’s true.” Alora looked at him in that moment, and her eyes were wide with pity, yet a desire for Han to understand. “We found the bodies -- ’’
“It could have been anyone!”
“Ben was there. We confronted him.” Luke said. “Han...I know you're upset, I know you don’t want to believe it. But he was there.”
“But why would he -- ’’
“I told you,” Leia said. “It was Snoke.”
Han looked from Leia to Luke to Alora, as if trying to digest the horrible truth for himself. Finally, he said, “I don’t believe you. I...I just...Ben wouldn’t do this...”
“Han -- ’’ Luke began.
Han left. Luke looked after him, quietly mourning for all of them.
***
Chewie was the first one to come after him, grunting in concern.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Han ran a hand through his hair. He should have reacted better, but what Luke had said...
Luke couldn’t have hurt him more than if he reached out suddenly and set Han on fire.
Even trying to picture Ben doing what he did, he couldn’t. Ben, who wouldn’t have hurt a gizka let alone several younglings. Ben, who had been so gentle with Jaina, like she was something precious. Ben, who had come running towards him when he disembarked from the Falcon with a sort of grin that would have lit up a whole galaxy. Ben, who had helped him fix the Falcon, Ben, who would tell him stories, in person and through his letters, about the adventures that he had been on. Ben, who he’d read stories to and watched holovids with and played games with...
And that didn’t stop you from leaving him, did it, Solo?
Where’d you go wrong? Was it the constant fights with Leia? Was it the matter of you not seeing your son enough even before he got sent off to Jedi-land? Where exactly did you kriff up, Solo? One specific instance? Sixteen?
Yeah, maybe sixteen would do. Sixteen would do a lot. Sixteen summed it all up, actually. He had tried so hard to make things better for Ben than things had been for him that he had ended up driving Ben away.
Yeah, that was it. It had to be.
“Captain Solo?”
Huyang. Han thought he had seen him before around the Academy. He raised his head. “Hey.”
“Is all well?”
“Fine as it can be.” Han could swear that damn droid was judging him. Like it was somehow his fault that Ben had done what he did. Apparently.
Silence. Then Huyang spoke, gently. “Your son was always troubled, wasn’t he?”
“What the stang is that supposed to mean?”
“There was always too much Vader in him,” Huyang said.
Han could have sworn that he felt like he had been punched in the chest. “He wasn’t like that at all!”
“They were both very similar, weren’t they?” Huyang continued. “Temperaments, passions...there is, after all, nothing stronger than genetics, is there?”
“He wasn’t...” Han found himself trailing off. But what about those bodies? What Luke and Alora found?
“I’m sorry, Captain,” Huyang said.
“Y’know, Huyang...you’re a bastard. You really are. You’re too willing to pin the blame on Ben’s genetics, but stars forbid you actually take a look at yourselves.”
“I -- ’’
“Because you hated him, that’s why,” Han said. “You hated him for being different, being imperfect -- you hated any trace of imperfection in him. Did you ever try and help him after Thomas died, or after I had to...to...”
He broke off. He could barely finish the sentence, the sentence about one of the worst days of his life.
“Captain Solo, please. You’re not thinking rationally.”
“You broke my boy. And I’m not forgiving either you or Snoke for that.”
Huyang’s voice took on as much of a note of sorrow as a droid could. “You’re grieving. I can hear it in your voice. I know that you loved him more than anything, Captain.”
“You don't know what the kriff those words mean, pal. I don't think you’d know them if they danced in front of you wearing that Hutt slave outfit.”
“Captain -- ’’
Even as Han stormed away, he could have sworn that he heard Huyang say, “I’m sorry, Captain.” He wasn’t up for it. He wasn’t up for hearing a likely fake apology from the Jedi Order. Sorry we let you down, Han. Sorry we kriffed up your son, humiliated him and put him down, stripped him of his dignity, and many other things. Sorry we couldn't protect him.
Chewie followed, and grunted in concern, in worry.
“I’m okay, pal. Really.” Well, he wasn’t okay, not in the slightest. How could Huyang say those things? How could anyone? How --
“The way he talked about Ben...” But it was more than just that. Han had a feeling that if he had less self-control, he probably would have punched Huyang out somehow, even if his hand got injured in the process.
Because Ben couldn’t be that man. It was completely, utterly wrong.
“Master Huyang should not have spoken of you in such a manner either.”
“Yeah.” Han sighed. “I’m just sick of it, Chewie. Sick of all of it.”
“As the old human expression goes, join the club.”
Han laughed bitterly. “You too?”
“We lost someone of great value to us. A family member. The bonds of family can’t be broken, can they?”
Lost. Han didn’t believe it. He couldn’t.
He’s not gone. He can't be gone. Luke probably didn't even try, did he --
But Luke did. No, scratch try; Luke did reach out to Ben. And for some reason, Ben hadn't been up for listening to what Luke had to say. If even Luke couldn’t reach him...
But he’s not lost. He can't be.
“This can’t be it, Chewie,” Han finally said. “This...it’s ridiculous to think this way but it can’t be all there is.”
“There’s nothing ridiculous about how you feel. The bond between a father and his cub is not easily broken, is it?”
“No. I guess it’s not.” Because Han loved him. Loved that difficult, complicated boy. Leaving him had been as awful for him as it had been for Ben, and he knew that he shouldn't have left. He had wanted so hard to make sure that Ben never knew disappointment and...what happened?
And Han knew he loved him because he couldn't accept, somehow, that this was all there was. It was something he should have seen coming. Parents were pretty willing to defend their kids who’d taken a wrong turn somehow and hearing about those stories had made Han roll his eyes in disgust reading them. “Are they delusional?” he’d said to Chewie when hearing those stories on the Holonet. “How can they say this stuff?” And Chewie had agreed with him.
Now Han knew. Because he’d fallen into that trap himself. Because he refused to believe that this was it for Ben. How could Luke talk some sense into Vader at the last minute but he couldn't save Ben? Stang, he and Vader did the same things...
And that realization chilled him. He and Vader did the same things. Minus the choking one’s wife part, minus the lava part. But the rest...
But that can't be all there is. It just can’t...
It couldn’t be the end of this.
“It can't be all there is.” Han ran a hand through his hair, feeling suddenly as if he had aged ten years. “It can't...”
Han’s voice cracked, and it really was only Chewie’s arms wrapped around him, in the end, that kept him from falling.
***
Poe Dameron couldn’t sleep.
Jessika was asleep, thank goodness, as were the others. Poe envied them. He could only lie awake, listening to the sound of one of his squadmates muttering something about tauntauns cheating at dejarik (lucky bastard), desperate to get to sleep.
Poe, meanwhile, doubted that he could get to sleep. He had to find Ben. He had to search through the databases, he had to find a way to find out what happened to him.
He knew already someone was going to chew him out for it. Rieekan, maybe. There’d be nothing but sympathy in his eyes while doing so. “Ben’s probably dead, son. I’m sorry. You can’t just be using the Holonet to look up a dead person.”
He typed in the search terms. Ben Solo.
Nothing came up.
But that couldn’t be, could it?
He typed in Yavin IV massacre.
There were articles, of course, about the massacre, listing off names of the dead -- Jim Nichos, Gabriel Naris, and more for that matter -- Matthew Travis speculating that the destruction was some sort of conspiracy (which led Poe clicking out in disgust. Did this man have no concept of poor taste?), and some people talking about Ben, how he’d saved them, given them hope for their lives, and much more. Poe doubted that even the most complimentary obituary for Ben Solo could sum up how wonderful Ben really was. They didn't talk about the moments he cracked jokes. They didn't talk about the worsening depression that seemed to settle over him like a stormcloud. They didn't talk about his smile, which Poe had found was one of the most beautiful things in the galaxy.
Ben was too bright, too beautiful a star, to ever be really talked about.
Poe could come up with an obituary in his mind, of course. Ben Solo was a beautiful, uncommonly kind young man I knew who would do anything for justice...
And even those writings, in that obituary in Poe’s mind...he doubted they could suffice.
And it was there that it truly hit him.
Ben was dead.
No, Ben couldn't be dead. He was strong, he was clever, he would have found a way out of this. It couldn’t end there. And Poe would find out what happened to him. The man he loved above all others, the man who was the galaxy to him.
“I won’t stop looking for you, Ben,” Poe said to the empty air. “I promise.”
No reply. Jessika murmured something in her sleep that sounded like “feeding the banthas is difficult when they have sharp teeth” -- whatever she was dreaming about, Poe didn’t know. He turned back to the empty air, spoke to it with such tenderness.
“I love you.” he said.
And that...that was no lie.
***
Leia couldn’t sleep. It seemed that the argument between her and Luke replayed in her head, Not to mention Han storming off. Just the sheer anger there had hurt, and gave her a feeling that she had likely lost Han for good.
As if she didn’t lose him before. Han had been so devastated when she had sent Ben away -- “ditched him”, as he put it -- that she thought she was going to lose him then in that moment. Now, it seemed, was when she lost him for good.
Luke and Han seemed to think that she didn’t love Ben. Didn’t love her own son. Never mind that it was nothing like that at all. She knew, she just knew, that Ben wouldn’t have fallen if it wasn’t for Snoke. Snoke had always been watching her son. How much influence Snoke really had on Ben, she didn’t know, but he had had some sort of influence. Who’s holding who prisoner came to mind. Who was truly influencing Ben? For all intents and purposes, her son was as good as a prisoner.
And it was her fault.
She didn’t mean it, of course. The bad parents, the flawed parents, they never really meant it, did they? But if she had done something differently, if she had known...
But how was she supposed to know even Luke wasn’t safe? It was like no matter where they went, Snoke would have found them. Like a predator too bent on their prey, and ruining their lives.
No, she didn’t hate her own child. In the end, she only mourned for him, and mourned for how things had splintered between her and Han. Half the things she said she hadn’t meant, had mostly been spillovers of pure anger and grief and my-fault-all-my-fault.
If I had been more careful. If I hadn’t thought the worst of a little boy. If I had told Han. If, if, if...
So many ifs. Too many of them, actually.
She couldn’t travel back to the past and warn her younger self. But she could try and rescue Ben now.
In the end, that’s what mattered most.
***
It wasn’t long before Han saw Luke heading towards the shuttle.
“Where are you going?”
“I’ve got work to do, Han.”
“And Ben?”
Luke took a deep breath. He actually looked burdened. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen to him. After what he’s done...”
And it was there that it hit Han too much like an oncoming speeder. Luke, the man who had encouraged him to stay with the Rebellion, who with Leia saw things in Han that he hadn’t even known existed, was leaving. He wasn’t even trying to save Ben, his student
it’s all his fault, a voice in the back of his mind said. if he had actually treated Ben like a person and not some minefield waiting to be detonated --
but it was more complicated than that, wasn’t it?
wasn’t even trying to fight back against Snoke, but instead he was just running away. Running to who-knew-where in the galaxy, and leaving all of them behind to clean up his mess.
What had happened to Luke, anyway?
You never give up, kid. Come on. What changed in you anyway?
“Dear stars,” Han said. “You were willing to go through hell for Vader but not for my own son?”
“Han, it’s not like that at all -- ’’
“You’re a kriffing coward. And a hypocrite. You remember you gave me an earful when I tried leaving the Rebellion? And now you’re just gonna start running until you can’t see Ben anymore. What’s wrong with you?”
Silence.
“He needed you! Stang, you didn’t see how he looked, did you?” A pause. “Well, did you? Did you see how he cried out in his sleep, or did you just not give a bantha’s cargo -- ’’
“Han,” Luke said, “It’s not like that at all.”
“Then what the stang was it like? You know, Luke, I don’t get it. I just don’t. You thought he was a freak just because he didn’t recite the Jedi Code backwards and forwards, and Leia was just enacting her own little psychodrama on Ben because she couldn’t see anything but dear old dad. Never mind Ben was a kriffing child, for the stars’ sakes! Do you assume all Dark Side kids are like the kids in holos who kill their older sisters or something? Coming out of the womb evil? What about you, Luke? You were a Sith’s son, and you’re not evil. Why is Ben any different?”
“Han, please -- ’’
“You didn’t see the way Leia looked at him. At her own child. Like he was some kind of freak or something. And don't think I didn’t see the way you looked at him too.”
Luke looked away, and for the first time since Han had seen him, he actually looked abashed, even guilty. Then, “I promised to protect him. Every action he took, it was a reflection of my own failing to keep my promise to Leia. I was afraid, and I let fear blind me.” Beat. “I’m not a perfect man, Han. I’d like to be, but I’m not. But Ben meant the galaxy to me. You’re not the only one who loved him, Han.”
Han paused. He wasn’t Force sensitive. He couldn’t sense any of what Luke was thinking or feeling -- Ben was always the telepath, always the one who could read what others were thinking. But Luke...
There was something in Luke’s voice that let Han know full well that he wasn’t lying.
“As for Leia...I don’t know.” Luke’s voice was soft, but he could meet Han’s eyes again. “I know she came to me saying that she was scared of a presence stalking Ben.”
“Who?”
Luke sighed. “I don’t know. I’m thinking it was Snoke, but I haven’t found a connection yet. I don’t know if there’s a connection between the living shadow and Snoke. It could have been anyone. But Leia was afraid of that presence. That’s why she sent him away.”
“She could have told me.”
“She didn’t know how to.”
Silence reigned between the two men. Han took a deep breath, feeling, suddenly, the sheer rottenness of his words crashing down on him. He shouldn’t have even said that. After seeing the sheer agony that Leia had gone through...
“I was an idiot, Luke.”
“Understandable.” Luke sighed. “It’s a very...charged situation right now. And it’s going to get worse in a hurry. That’s why I have to leave, Han. That’s why I have to act.”
“Where are you gonna go?”
“There’s a Jedi Temple out there,” Luke said. “The first one. Rumors say the Empire actually sought to destroy it like they did with the other temples over the years that they conquered, but they never found the last piece of the map.” He smiled. “If we can get the upper hand on them somehow, we still have a chance.”
“Good thinking, kid.”
“Where are you going to go?” Luke said.
“To find Ben. If he’s still out there...” Han sighed. Somehow he couldn’t bear the idea that Ben was gone, completely gone. He had to be able to be saved, somehow.
“Good thinking, Han. If you find him...”
“Do you want me to tell you what I find?”
“I don't know if it’s possible,” Luke said. “I have to keep my tracks covered. If the First Order finds the lost Temple, they won’t hesitate to finish what Palpatine started. But...tell him that his family still loves him greatly, and is waiting for him.”
Damn right. “I will. Luke? May the Force be with you.”
“And you.”
Then Luke boarded the shuttle, and he was gone.
Han sighed. “Be safe out there, kid,” he said, to the place where the shuttle had been.
Chewie grunted.
“Chewie, I know, it is crazy, but he’s out there. I know he’s out there. And I have to go and find him. I have to save him.” Han sighed. “He can’t be lost forever. Snoke can’t have claimed him for his own. I’ll be damned if that actually happened.”
A grunt from Chewie. “You don’t even know where he is, though.”
“Then I’ll never stop looking for him.” Han started up the Falcon.
“You don’t know how long it will take.”
“Chewie -- remember when I went out to go and save Luke at Hoth? How that turned out okay in the end?”
An affirmative grunt.
“Do you know why I did it, Chewie? Because Luke was my friend, and I wasn’t going to leave him to whatever wampas or other creatures came along. Same with Ben. I’m not going to leave him to Snoke.”
“No.” Chewie growled. “We won’t leave him to that...monster.”
“That’s the spirit. Come on!” Han headed towards the Millennium Falcon, and it was then that the Falcon flew off, into the galaxy and towards an uncertain future.