Deep Thoughts Thirty Day Challenge, Day Thirty
30. Look back on this last month and talk about it.
In terms of this month, I say that it's gone pretty well so far. There's the matter of difficulties getting back to school, but even those, I think...well, I think I'm actually handling them pretty well, all things considered. I've managed to write things down in my planner, for one thing, which is definitely something that I haven't been the best at. (Let's say that I tend to be heavily forgetful sometimes. I really do. It's not something I intend -- it's not that I think anyone really intends to be forgetful, really. It's one of those things that's pretty obvious, really -- it just happens. *) I've managed to actually get some degree of decent sleep -- hopefully when I move back into my own room (I've sort of been camping out with my mom and the dog for the time being. A lot of camaraderie there, which I'll miss when I move back into my room. Still, it's time I should), I'll continue to get some decent sleep because back in 2013, I started having nightmares. I remember the time I passed out on the couch and started dreaming about the ending to the Halloween 6 Producer's Cut (mostly that creepy-as-fuck jack-o-lantern. Seriously, fuck that thing), and another nightmare, about a sort of werewolf creature that called himself the boogeyman, that was so horrible that...well, you know the scenes in movies where characters shoot awake after a nightmare? Yeah, I did that, minus the screaming -- I think I might have actually thrashed awake. And then I was just so frightened to go back to sleep, because what if it happens again?
I guess that's something I really need to work on for this year -- finding ways to fall asleep (although considering the makeover my room got, I think I might actually fall asleep a bit better), and finding ways to just calm down my brain a little more, because that's the whole problem with my brain, I think. It just doesn't want to calm down. Even at night, or really, especially at night, because really, it's the sort of twilight period, between when you're sleeping and when you're dreaming, that you're most vulnerable -- at least so my mom says. It's the opportunity where your thoughts start niggling at you. It's why I do some writing before bed, really, just to sort of empty my brain. I should probably do that more often, because honestly? It might actually help me.
I also worry that I may have dwelled too much on the negative this month. I guess the thing is...well, I kind of had some issues from the last year that hadn't really been fully unpacked. That and it didn't help that my conscience decided to sort of remind me of them every chance it got -- I think the whole problem with my brain is just the matter of it never truly forgetting something, especially when it's negative. And really, it makes no sense in terms of brain chemistry -- wouldn't the negative experiences be something that I would prefer to forget? The brain is a really goddamn fucked up organ, because it makes no fucking sense. Nothing about it seems logical. Honestly, I'd love to go into a brain scan sort of thing one time, just to see why it's just so illogical. I would love to just see how it works. I guess it just doesn't help that...well, there was a lot in 2013 that made me angry, and it's sort of spilling into this month. And yet I don't want to talk about it too much, not just for the sake of my psychological health but because I really have no desire to hurt anyone around me. Because...well, you guys mean a lot to me. (I know I've said this a lot, but it is true. You've been amazing)
I've also had some interesting conversations with both my parents. I know, for example, on the way back from a group that I had to talk about college and other things, my dad and I talked, which eventually got into the matter of the Man of Steel controversy from 2013, and the issue of reboots and remakes. My dad actually provided an interesting perspective on why they exist; considering how tight the economy is, the studios are mostly out to make money (basically), so remakes and sequels are the quickest way to do that (like I said, basically). And he also talked about how well Disney is doing in that regard, going on with making stuff like Frozen instead of Cinderella 15 (thank you, John Lasseter! Also, the Cinderella 15 thing wasn't just funny, but I think sort of sums up stuff like the splitting finales in two and whatnot -- this is successful, why not make money off it? And while I disagree with my dad's opinion that movies are rarely done for the art anymore, I definitely think there's a degree of cynicism in executives and money-making). It was definitely an interesting talk, really, and I learned something new about my dad. (And it's reminded me of how little I know about my parents sometimes. I need to ask them more questions. Honestly, I can be so "me-me-me" sometimes that I forget to ask about others) And the group went well too -- I learned that I wasn't really alone in terms of whatever issues I had, which is definitely reassuring. Meeting other people who had my problems and my issues, having a blast talking with them...it was wonderful, really.
I also remember a talk with my mom last night -- basically, I learned about Roger Lloyd Pack dying. He played Barty Crouch Sr. in Goblet of Fire and John Lumic in "Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel" (which I think is one of his best performances in a criminally underrated two-parter). And I remember just reading about his death from a post to the doctorwho comm and actually being in a state of shock. Like, "No. There has to be some sort of mistake. He can't be dead." And I was just in shock. And not just that, but...it really did break my heart. I don't think there are really any words for it. I mean, he was a fantastic actor and from what I can gather, a really awesome guy, and he'll be sorely missed.
And at one point before bed, I decided to talk with my mom about it, because I really needed someone to talk to, and we got into a long conversation about death, including something that I was actually worried about myself; what happens after death? Is there heaven, or is there nothingness? And my mom actually said she hoped that she could go up into the sky as a star. Which...yeah, I definitely want that too. To go up there as a star. Although to be honest, I can't say that I want to die at any point. I mean, there's too much to enjoy about life. My family, my friends, the changing of the seasons, my writing, the many holidays we celebrate, seeing a new movie, reading a new book, meeting new people, and really? So much more. I might have my occasional frustrations with it, but it is a beautiful world, and no matter what time it is, I'll miss this world.
I also talked with my mom about stuff like appreciating your life more (because...well, I do have my moments where I don't appreciate it enough. It's definitely something I need to work on), and how to do it, and I got to comfort her a bit about an argument she had with my brother, even giving her some advice, which definitely made me feel...well, like I'd just done something right. Because really, if I can help someone, I think it'll make all the difference.
It's definitely one of many things I'll be working on: helping people however I can. That and being more mindful of my surroundings, focusing more on the positive, etc. It's something that I think can help me, and that? That's definitely good.
* I think the best way to sum me up is a Ditzy Genius; I'm pretty smart, but unfortunately, I'm not good in the common sense department, I can be impulsive, stuff like that. It's something that I've been trying to work on. I guess I can also think of myself a bit like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory -- basically more intellect than sense. (Also, I tend to go off on tangents a lot, much to the annoyance of some people around me. *Cough* My mother *Cough*)
In terms of this month, I say that it's gone pretty well so far. There's the matter of difficulties getting back to school, but even those, I think...well, I think I'm actually handling them pretty well, all things considered. I've managed to write things down in my planner, for one thing, which is definitely something that I haven't been the best at. (Let's say that I tend to be heavily forgetful sometimes. I really do. It's not something I intend -- it's not that I think anyone really intends to be forgetful, really. It's one of those things that's pretty obvious, really -- it just happens. *) I've managed to actually get some degree of decent sleep -- hopefully when I move back into my own room (I've sort of been camping out with my mom and the dog for the time being. A lot of camaraderie there, which I'll miss when I move back into my room. Still, it's time I should), I'll continue to get some decent sleep because back in 2013, I started having nightmares. I remember the time I passed out on the couch and started dreaming about the ending to the Halloween 6 Producer's Cut (mostly that creepy-as-fuck jack-o-lantern. Seriously, fuck that thing), and another nightmare, about a sort of werewolf creature that called himself the boogeyman, that was so horrible that...well, you know the scenes in movies where characters shoot awake after a nightmare? Yeah, I did that, minus the screaming -- I think I might have actually thrashed awake. And then I was just so frightened to go back to sleep, because what if it happens again?
I guess that's something I really need to work on for this year -- finding ways to fall asleep (although considering the makeover my room got, I think I might actually fall asleep a bit better), and finding ways to just calm down my brain a little more, because that's the whole problem with my brain, I think. It just doesn't want to calm down. Even at night, or really, especially at night, because really, it's the sort of twilight period, between when you're sleeping and when you're dreaming, that you're most vulnerable -- at least so my mom says. It's the opportunity where your thoughts start niggling at you. It's why I do some writing before bed, really, just to sort of empty my brain. I should probably do that more often, because honestly? It might actually help me.
I also worry that I may have dwelled too much on the negative this month. I guess the thing is...well, I kind of had some issues from the last year that hadn't really been fully unpacked. That and it didn't help that my conscience decided to sort of remind me of them every chance it got -- I think the whole problem with my brain is just the matter of it never truly forgetting something, especially when it's negative. And really, it makes no sense in terms of brain chemistry -- wouldn't the negative experiences be something that I would prefer to forget? The brain is a really goddamn fucked up organ, because it makes no fucking sense. Nothing about it seems logical. Honestly, I'd love to go into a brain scan sort of thing one time, just to see why it's just so illogical. I would love to just see how it works. I guess it just doesn't help that...well, there was a lot in 2013 that made me angry, and it's sort of spilling into this month. And yet I don't want to talk about it too much, not just for the sake of my psychological health but because I really have no desire to hurt anyone around me. Because...well, you guys mean a lot to me. (I know I've said this a lot, but it is true. You've been amazing)
I've also had some interesting conversations with both my parents. I know, for example, on the way back from a group that I had to talk about college and other things, my dad and I talked, which eventually got into the matter of the Man of Steel controversy from 2013, and the issue of reboots and remakes. My dad actually provided an interesting perspective on why they exist; considering how tight the economy is, the studios are mostly out to make money (basically), so remakes and sequels are the quickest way to do that (like I said, basically). And he also talked about how well Disney is doing in that regard, going on with making stuff like Frozen instead of Cinderella 15 (thank you, John Lasseter! Also, the Cinderella 15 thing wasn't just funny, but I think sort of sums up stuff like the splitting finales in two and whatnot -- this is successful, why not make money off it? And while I disagree with my dad's opinion that movies are rarely done for the art anymore, I definitely think there's a degree of cynicism in executives and money-making). It was definitely an interesting talk, really, and I learned something new about my dad. (And it's reminded me of how little I know about my parents sometimes. I need to ask them more questions. Honestly, I can be so "me-me-me" sometimes that I forget to ask about others) And the group went well too -- I learned that I wasn't really alone in terms of whatever issues I had, which is definitely reassuring. Meeting other people who had my problems and my issues, having a blast talking with them...it was wonderful, really.
I also remember a talk with my mom last night -- basically, I learned about Roger Lloyd Pack dying. He played Barty Crouch Sr. in Goblet of Fire and John Lumic in "Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel" (which I think is one of his best performances in a criminally underrated two-parter). And I remember just reading about his death from a post to the doctorwho comm and actually being in a state of shock. Like, "No. There has to be some sort of mistake. He can't be dead." And I was just in shock. And not just that, but...it really did break my heart. I don't think there are really any words for it. I mean, he was a fantastic actor and from what I can gather, a really awesome guy, and he'll be sorely missed.
And at one point before bed, I decided to talk with my mom about it, because I really needed someone to talk to, and we got into a long conversation about death, including something that I was actually worried about myself; what happens after death? Is there heaven, or is there nothingness? And my mom actually said she hoped that she could go up into the sky as a star. Which...yeah, I definitely want that too. To go up there as a star. Although to be honest, I can't say that I want to die at any point. I mean, there's too much to enjoy about life. My family, my friends, the changing of the seasons, my writing, the many holidays we celebrate, seeing a new movie, reading a new book, meeting new people, and really? So much more. I might have my occasional frustrations with it, but it is a beautiful world, and no matter what time it is, I'll miss this world.
I also talked with my mom about stuff like appreciating your life more (because...well, I do have my moments where I don't appreciate it enough. It's definitely something I need to work on), and how to do it, and I got to comfort her a bit about an argument she had with my brother, even giving her some advice, which definitely made me feel...well, like I'd just done something right. Because really, if I can help someone, I think it'll make all the difference.
It's definitely one of many things I'll be working on: helping people however I can. That and being more mindful of my surroundings, focusing more on the positive, etc. It's something that I think can help me, and that? That's definitely good.
* I think the best way to sum me up is a Ditzy Genius; I'm pretty smart, but unfortunately, I'm not good in the common sense department, I can be impulsive, stuff like that. It's something that I've been trying to work on. I guess I can also think of myself a bit like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory -- basically more intellect than sense. (Also, I tend to go off on tangents a lot, much to the annoyance of some people around me. *Cough* My mother *Cough*)