A year.....
My last post on livejournal was on November 23 of 2007.
It's been over a year.
In that last post I was begging the powers that be not to take the wonderful life I had created away from me.
For those of you who don't know, Chris dumped me December 17, 2007. I forced him to choose between me and this girl, Kassi. At the time I was so confused I didn't know what was going on. Chris told me, and continued to tell me after we broke up, that he wanted to marry me someday. That he just wanted to get this sexual endeavor out of his system so that he could be 100% faithful to me. Saying things like that confuses a girl you know?
Well, as of late I've learned a couple things that no longer confuses the situation. By the time I had forced him to choose between Me and Kassi. He had already made up his mind. Because as of October 26, 2007. Almost two months before we broke up. Chris was dating Kassi. This news wasn't surprising, but it still hurt a little to say the least. I mean, Chris and I were still physically involved until the very end of December. Yes, we broke up December 17, but I still went to Christmas as his girlfriend, still was physical with him, and he still kissed me New Years Eve via text. When I told him I was moving out with Sharon was when all connections to him ended. That's when he became absolutely cold to me. That was mid January.
Is it just me are we seeing a pattern here? One, this bothers me because I still think Chris isn't a bad guy. However this is the second time in a row he has decided to move on in a relationship, but kept his previous one going as he entertains the new one. Mainly for his own comfort and stability. Its somewhat painful to watch Kassi fall into the same hole I fell into, she has no idea the words that were said, that might still be being said. There are so many parallels. Part of me wants to warn Kassi of all this, to be aware. But I remember what its like to be in love with Chris. She's not going to listen, and if she does, and she confronts Chris about it. He'll be mad at her for listening to his ex. He'll make her feel stupid and ashamed for not believing in him. It is not my place to get involved, Karma will lead where karma leads. If you try to mess with it, it will bite you. I also remind myself that she wanted Chris, now she has him. So I pray that Kassi has more sense than I had, and it won't be so painful to her when Chris moves on to someone else.
You may wonder why after all the horrible, chest ripping apart pain that I went through I can still call Chris a good person. Its because I do think he is a good person. He just has no business being in a romantic relationship. He is self-driven and motivated. Most of all incredibly selfish. He will go far in life because of this, I know he will. His selfishness is not a bad thing. It will take him far, but he has no room in his heart right now to love someone completely. He should just take sometime in his life to be completely single, hangout with just friends, and find a random girl to make him happy when he's lonely.
Hindsight is 20/20. I do wish that Chris and I had just stayed friends. Chris and I have always had an excellent friendship. You may disagree, but I will be there in the future when he needs a friend. Right now, while he's with Kassi, I've chosen to keep my distance. For my own selfish need, but someday in the future I won't be opposed to being a close friend again. Of course, this time off of friendship is good. cuz I need to be the wounded ex. He hurt me, so incredibly bad I don't think I have ever hurt so bad, even physically, in my life. I need to be angry , I need to say mean things. He did a horrible thing to me, so I do need to hate part of him for a little while. Though, I don't hold anger, grudge, and hatred long. Just long enough to feel it fully and then move on. It's just how I do things.
Its clear to me now that the only strong part of Chris and I's relationship was our friendship, everything else was pretty sucky. I say this mainly because I've begun a new relationship adventure with someone new. His name is Brian and I've known him since the end of September, beginning of October. In that little amount of time, he has been a better boyfriend to me than Chris ever was in the 2 1/3 years we dated. Unfortunately, the entire ordeal had made my heart quite jaded.
Luckily, Brian is incredibly patient.
Though I have to admit my anger at the fact that situation warped my heart so badly. At first, Brian and I had moved too quickly, I freaked out, and we had to start over. It pains me to think that I've been hurt so bad that the label of boyfriend/girlfriend frightens me so much that I freaked out so badly. My facebook relationship status: It's complicated. Its not really all that complicated, but it was the only label I was comfortable with. I do feel bad that Brian doesn't get the Jessy that Chris got. That wonderful oh-so-willing to love Jessy. That Jessy never feared being hurt, it wasn't even imaginable. If Brian continues to be patient, he'll get a little of that Jessy eventually. But I don't think that Jessy is ever going to come back again. Maybe this is a good thing, a sign of growing up and maturing. At least that's what I'm hoping.
This is probably the last post I'm ever going to write on this particular subject. Though i hope to write more soon about other subjects. Including my new mystery man. ;p
Peace, Love, and Happiness Always,
Jessy
It's been over a year.
In that last post I was begging the powers that be not to take the wonderful life I had created away from me.
For those of you who don't know, Chris dumped me December 17, 2007. I forced him to choose between me and this girl, Kassi. At the time I was so confused I didn't know what was going on. Chris told me, and continued to tell me after we broke up, that he wanted to marry me someday. That he just wanted to get this sexual endeavor out of his system so that he could be 100% faithful to me. Saying things like that confuses a girl you know?
Well, as of late I've learned a couple things that no longer confuses the situation. By the time I had forced him to choose between Me and Kassi. He had already made up his mind. Because as of October 26, 2007. Almost two months before we broke up. Chris was dating Kassi. This news wasn't surprising, but it still hurt a little to say the least. I mean, Chris and I were still physically involved until the very end of December. Yes, we broke up December 17, but I still went to Christmas as his girlfriend, still was physical with him, and he still kissed me New Years Eve via text. When I told him I was moving out with Sharon was when all connections to him ended. That's when he became absolutely cold to me. That was mid January.
Is it just me are we seeing a pattern here? One, this bothers me because I still think Chris isn't a bad guy. However this is the second time in a row he has decided to move on in a relationship, but kept his previous one going as he entertains the new one. Mainly for his own comfort and stability. Its somewhat painful to watch Kassi fall into the same hole I fell into, she has no idea the words that were said, that might still be being said. There are so many parallels. Part of me wants to warn Kassi of all this, to be aware. But I remember what its like to be in love with Chris. She's not going to listen, and if she does, and she confronts Chris about it. He'll be mad at her for listening to his ex. He'll make her feel stupid and ashamed for not believing in him. It is not my place to get involved, Karma will lead where karma leads. If you try to mess with it, it will bite you. I also remind myself that she wanted Chris, now she has him. So I pray that Kassi has more sense than I had, and it won't be so painful to her when Chris moves on to someone else.
You may wonder why after all the horrible, chest ripping apart pain that I went through I can still call Chris a good person. Its because I do think he is a good person. He just has no business being in a romantic relationship. He is self-driven and motivated. Most of all incredibly selfish. He will go far in life because of this, I know he will. His selfishness is not a bad thing. It will take him far, but he has no room in his heart right now to love someone completely. He should just take sometime in his life to be completely single, hangout with just friends, and find a random girl to make him happy when he's lonely.
Hindsight is 20/20. I do wish that Chris and I had just stayed friends. Chris and I have always had an excellent friendship. You may disagree, but I will be there in the future when he needs a friend. Right now, while he's with Kassi, I've chosen to keep my distance. For my own selfish need, but someday in the future I won't be opposed to being a close friend again. Of course, this time off of friendship is good. cuz I need to be the wounded ex. He hurt me, so incredibly bad I don't think I have ever hurt so bad, even physically, in my life. I need to be angry , I need to say mean things. He did a horrible thing to me, so I do need to hate part of him for a little while. Though, I don't hold anger, grudge, and hatred long. Just long enough to feel it fully and then move on. It's just how I do things.
Its clear to me now that the only strong part of Chris and I's relationship was our friendship, everything else was pretty sucky. I say this mainly because I've begun a new relationship adventure with someone new. His name is Brian and I've known him since the end of September, beginning of October. In that little amount of time, he has been a better boyfriend to me than Chris ever was in the 2 1/3 years we dated. Unfortunately, the entire ordeal had made my heart quite jaded.
Luckily, Brian is incredibly patient.
Though I have to admit my anger at the fact that situation warped my heart so badly. At first, Brian and I had moved too quickly, I freaked out, and we had to start over. It pains me to think that I've been hurt so bad that the label of boyfriend/girlfriend frightens me so much that I freaked out so badly. My facebook relationship status: It's complicated. Its not really all that complicated, but it was the only label I was comfortable with. I do feel bad that Brian doesn't get the Jessy that Chris got. That wonderful oh-so-willing to love Jessy. That Jessy never feared being hurt, it wasn't even imaginable. If Brian continues to be patient, he'll get a little of that Jessy eventually. But I don't think that Jessy is ever going to come back again. Maybe this is a good thing, a sign of growing up and maturing. At least that's what I'm hoping.
This is probably the last post I'm ever going to write on this particular subject. Though i hope to write more soon about other subjects. Including my new mystery man. ;p
Peace, Love, and Happiness Always,
Jessy