(no subject)
Over the last couple of days we've been on a desperate money saving mission with all our bills. Electricity, car insurance, life insurance, homeowners insurance, phone bill. We've basically been looking at all our bills that we can actually shop around for and desperately trying to find the cheapest option for any and all of them. So far we've switched our electricity, plan on turning off the LAN line phone we have tomorrow and are probably going to switch our car insurance within the week too. All this in some final attempt to keep at least some money in my bank account. We've also decided that I'm not going to sign up for the flex spending plan for the next year. Looking at things, we realize that I really need to have as much take home pay as possible. I'm not too thrilled about it because it really does help us out to have that lump sum of reimbursements come in every once in a while. But makes not difference, I guess, if I don't have the money I need when I really need it. I'm hoping all of this work will actually help us save enough money to make a difference. We've been barely making it since I went on leave. To be honest, I'm not even sure how we've done it. We've been taking from savings little by little. Of course that's the money we needed for the mortgage. So we have no clue how we'll pay for January's mortgage payment. But I guess we'll deal with that when it comes.
I've been toying with the idea of finding another job.... not really sure what to do there. I mean, to be honest, the job isn't that bad. But my boss makes the whole experience freaking MISERABLE! I have tenure there. I'm the most senior person there on staff (although there's only two of us besides my boss. so don't know how much it matters). I've finally gotten certified as an official trainer. But... my boss sucks and makes the job damn near impossible to do. I don't have the flexibility I need to take time for myself or my family. I'm severely underpaid, especially now that I'm a certified trainer. I know that they won't give me a raise for the position without me fighting for one based off of a former employees own experience. And coming off of maternity leave I'm almost positive I won't be able to ask for one. If I do I'm almost certain I'll be turned down since they have a pay freeze going on company-wide. The job itself isn't the problem. But I can't stand the fact that my boss is pretty much anti-family... well, anti-everything is seems. My friend Maribel ended up quitting when my boss told her that her family was not her priority but that her job was. Getting time off with such limited staff is damn near impossible, especially considering my boss is so in it for herself and no one else. No one there has been able to last longer than two years. Everyone else that has been on staff got fed up with her after two years and quit. I don't know how I've made it to five years. Surely, by some miracle of god! Because, lord knows, I've been a hair away from quitting countless times. The reality is setting in that, if they don't give me a raise, I really won't be able to make ends meet when we have to send Arianna to daycare. Staying home with her isn't an option either, because my loss of income would result in no mortgage payment. So.... that pretty much leaves get another job as the only option. Damn, I hate job searching. It makes me such a nervous wreck and I that fear of the unknown... it's like trying to walk a tight rope and hoping you don't fall. Will I make it across unharmed. There's no way to know really. I just have to take that first step and see where I land. Staying put and settling for what I already know seems easier. Dealing with the demons you do know sometimes seem easier than dealing with the ones you don't know. Doesn't make it better... just makes it more predictable. You know how to react. With something new you're never sure. I want to be happier though. And I want to know that all my work helping us for something. Right now, I feel like I'll be working my ass off to just bring in not enough money in the end anyways. Le sigh... to much on the brain right now. Trying to find solutions to problems is just making my head hurt.
Also, I'm desperately trying to find a way to get back to acupuncture. These months without it, I can so feel the difference. And I'm starting to feel the emotional and physical toll of not going regularly like I was. Damn, I miss it! That one hour I had to myself in that environment... I felt so whole. I felt like a whole being. I felt like someone that finally cared about herself enough to finally do something for herself. I felt I was finally someone I wanted to be because of it, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. Whole. There are so many words I could use to describe what I feel going to acupuncture. But whole... that is definitely a good word. Seems to encompass so many things in one. It makes me cry to think of not going back. I seriously get depressed at the thought of not going. It's sad to think that I feel a sort of dependence to it. I should be able to find that same feeling simply by looking within myself. But somehow it's just not the same. I've also started to feel some of those weird pains I was feeling again. My body just feel slightly off kilter again and I need someone else to help me get back to my starting place again, to give me that push I need to get back where I once was. Yet, again, another reason for all the money saving and money gaining solutions searching...
There I go rambling again... See, that's what happens when my insomniatic self ends up on livejournal at 2am. Time to save you guys from any more ramblings and get off....