I just felt like writing
Stream of consciousness bullshit is all I can manage right now. Introspective self absorbed vomit about me me me. No one reads this any more anyway so I will just put it down to get it out of my head.
I'd been stuck out in the boonies for so long, before I had my son, I was starting to forget that I actually existed. When you are stuck in monotony and life is just passing you by it is so easy to lose track of all of the good things about yourself. I used to be an artist. Well, that is a stupid thing to say. I will always be an artist. My technique has taken a dive off the Grand Canyon though. I picked up a pen and drew something about a week ago and found myself pleasantly surprised that some minute amount of ability was actually still there. I'm still working on loving myself enough to be strong enough to push myself to become greater at the things I have a force pulling me towards.
I want to apologize to my friends, many of whom probably don't even consider me a friend (or at least not a good one) any more because of how I tend to alienate myself. I am a shitty friend. I never call anyone or email anyone. Common every day communication frightens me. I'm kind of a hide in the corner and ponder sort of person, always have been, probably always will. Whenever I force myself into social situations I usually say something rude, obnoxious or lewd in an attempt to be funny. Either that or I just get so excited that I am finally actually conversing with someone that I interrupt them and burst out with all the things that pop into my head. I fail that way. I don't spend a lot of time socializing so I am not very good at it. Being myself I feel makes people uncomfortable, just sitting and absorbing the details. People don't like feeling as though they are being observed. Hell, even I don't, so I know how it must make them feel. I struggle with this part of myself. Anyway, my point is, I am sorry. I miss all of you more than you will ever know. I am a critical person, always thinking, always analyzing, but I want every single one of you to know that I think you are all wonderful beautiful souls. Everyone has fear and everyone has their scars, and you're all beautiful.
I've gotten too stuck in the thinking part of life that the actual living part of it just passes me by. I am sick of it. I am sick of being in this house with people content to basically just sit on their asses and wait to either drop dead or for some sort of "miracle" to just happen and give them that sudden inspiration their lives have been lacking. I was just like them for so long and I am not content to continue living in this way. There is far too much of the world just waiting for me. What a waste of my life it would be to sit in here like this forever!!!!!!
I blame no one but myself for the massive depression I am constantly having to pull myself out of. Self hate is really more like selfishness. I am a firm believer that every thing in your life is a choice. I can recognize a problem, and choose to do something about it, or not. Too many times have I chosen not. Important realizations made, just to be ignored. I've been ruled by my thoughts for so long that they've gotten out of control. They literally consume me, physically and mentally. It's an extremely unhealthy habit that I need to break. I have to break out of my head and participate in the world or I will feel like I have failed at living.
I want a pool so I can swim every day. I want to swim with dolphins someday. I love dolphins. Did you know that? I used to draw them over and over and over and over again as a child and I haven't forgotten that love. Innocent pure happiness. Not a care in the world except for play and for fish. Always smiling. Always courageous.
This sounds so melodramatic and random, and I suppose it is. Truth is, I am the happiest I have ever been in a lot of ways. I am more deeply in love than I ever could have imagined myself being. I some how found some one just as disgruntled with humanity and with our individual selves as I am. A truth seeker. Someone not content to just be led and be told how things are. I occasionally struggle with his tendency towards negativity when I am busy trying to push myself out of the mud of bitterness. And I'm tired of talk. I'm tired of knowing how things should be, how things need to be, and doing nothing about it. It is so pointless to know things and do nothing with those things. I want to ACT. I have to feel like I am bettering myself in some way, or what is the point of coming to those sorts of realizations in the first place? I know, baby steps and all. Nothing is as easy done as it is said. But true strength is born of action. I know this to be true. I've felt it. And I have felt the satisfaction that comes from success. So why then is it still so hard to push myself past that barrier? Utter laziness is really all I can come up with. Lack of will power. My ability to choose the more difficult but more rewarding path is still very weak.
I hope to always be a person who craves more and more knowledge and is never fine to be content with what they already know.
Ugh I need to go to college. I crave it badly. I crave the responsibility and the learning.
I think I might try to teach myself how to read music.
I'd been stuck out in the boonies for so long, before I had my son, I was starting to forget that I actually existed. When you are stuck in monotony and life is just passing you by it is so easy to lose track of all of the good things about yourself. I used to be an artist. Well, that is a stupid thing to say. I will always be an artist. My technique has taken a dive off the Grand Canyon though. I picked up a pen and drew something about a week ago and found myself pleasantly surprised that some minute amount of ability was actually still there. I'm still working on loving myself enough to be strong enough to push myself to become greater at the things I have a force pulling me towards.
I want to apologize to my friends, many of whom probably don't even consider me a friend (or at least not a good one) any more because of how I tend to alienate myself. I am a shitty friend. I never call anyone or email anyone. Common every day communication frightens me. I'm kind of a hide in the corner and ponder sort of person, always have been, probably always will. Whenever I force myself into social situations I usually say something rude, obnoxious or lewd in an attempt to be funny. Either that or I just get so excited that I am finally actually conversing with someone that I interrupt them and burst out with all the things that pop into my head. I fail that way. I don't spend a lot of time socializing so I am not very good at it. Being myself I feel makes people uncomfortable, just sitting and absorbing the details. People don't like feeling as though they are being observed. Hell, even I don't, so I know how it must make them feel. I struggle with this part of myself. Anyway, my point is, I am sorry. I miss all of you more than you will ever know. I am a critical person, always thinking, always analyzing, but I want every single one of you to know that I think you are all wonderful beautiful souls. Everyone has fear and everyone has their scars, and you're all beautiful.
I've gotten too stuck in the thinking part of life that the actual living part of it just passes me by. I am sick of it. I am sick of being in this house with people content to basically just sit on their asses and wait to either drop dead or for some sort of "miracle" to just happen and give them that sudden inspiration their lives have been lacking. I was just like them for so long and I am not content to continue living in this way. There is far too much of the world just waiting for me. What a waste of my life it would be to sit in here like this forever!!!!!!
I blame no one but myself for the massive depression I am constantly having to pull myself out of. Self hate is really more like selfishness. I am a firm believer that every thing in your life is a choice. I can recognize a problem, and choose to do something about it, or not. Too many times have I chosen not. Important realizations made, just to be ignored. I've been ruled by my thoughts for so long that they've gotten out of control. They literally consume me, physically and mentally. It's an extremely unhealthy habit that I need to break. I have to break out of my head and participate in the world or I will feel like I have failed at living.
I want a pool so I can swim every day. I want to swim with dolphins someday. I love dolphins. Did you know that? I used to draw them over and over and over and over again as a child and I haven't forgotten that love. Innocent pure happiness. Not a care in the world except for play and for fish. Always smiling. Always courageous.
This sounds so melodramatic and random, and I suppose it is. Truth is, I am the happiest I have ever been in a lot of ways. I am more deeply in love than I ever could have imagined myself being. I some how found some one just as disgruntled with humanity and with our individual selves as I am. A truth seeker. Someone not content to just be led and be told how things are. I occasionally struggle with his tendency towards negativity when I am busy trying to push myself out of the mud of bitterness. And I'm tired of talk. I'm tired of knowing how things should be, how things need to be, and doing nothing about it. It is so pointless to know things and do nothing with those things. I want to ACT. I have to feel like I am bettering myself in some way, or what is the point of coming to those sorts of realizations in the first place? I know, baby steps and all. Nothing is as easy done as it is said. But true strength is born of action. I know this to be true. I've felt it. And I have felt the satisfaction that comes from success. So why then is it still so hard to push myself past that barrier? Utter laziness is really all I can come up with. Lack of will power. My ability to choose the more difficult but more rewarding path is still very weak.
I hope to always be a person who craves more and more knowledge and is never fine to be content with what they already know.
Ugh I need to go to college. I crave it badly. I crave the responsibility and the learning.
I think I might try to teach myself how to read music.