New semester... completely different circumstances.
I haven't updated in about 6 months (don't lie, you've missed me), and it's no wonder. Things are so busy now, all I feel like I can do is keep my head above water. I really wish someone would come along with a lifesaver or something.
So, since the last update... my grandma (grandpa waigand's wife) died... she was a closet alcoholic for years, and cirrhosis finally did her in. and now that i've seen what it can do to people and how it can rip apart families, i've cut way back on my own consumption. Since she died in May, i've gone drinking twice, and that was plenty. Between that and Brad wrecking Princess after a night out, he and I are both convinced that when you booze, you lose. It's not cool. which puts me between a rock and a hard place, since it seems my new roommate (a guy this time) has a slight drinking problem. it makes me uncomfortable, and the consensus is 3 yeses to 1 no about bringing it up to him. So we'll see. I just don't want to be reminded of it all. Not to mention, i fought tooth and nail to be able to go to the funeral (got a new CC and all to pay for airfare), and i do not at all regret the $250 i owe to the bank for it. I was able to reconcile with my grandpa, which is great because i love him muy mucho. I am a combination of my dad and him, personality-wise (body is all mom. lol). we're so much alike, it's no wonder we but heads while i was in my rotten teenage phase. but i was there when he needed me. I babysat my little cousins, Lexi, Payton and Danny (love those kiddos!), and cleaned the house. I've called him pretty frequently since, and sent him a care package complete with the Blue Collar Comedy movie, which features his favorite comedian Ron White (don't even ask me how many times he made us listen to Drunk In Public).
Before I flew out, I got to see Lucas. He came to the airport and had lunch with me. and he brought wife Carla. oy. She is perfectly nice, but i think he can do better (i.e., me?! lol)... But he was all huggy and asking how I was, and i think it really scared him how down I was, but as I warned him, it's not like I was there for a wedding or something happy. I love my Lucas, and it was great seeing him again, even if it was just for 2 hours with his wife there. My flights were delayed going there and back... which inconvenienced my parents (who got me from OHare in their rental car... a freakin PT Cruiser!) and Mike, who took me to Orlando Intl., and picked me up. I crashed at his place on the way back because I wasn't ready to face work again.
Gotta love that man, i swear. he might have gotten a little worried too, as i was still thoroughly bummed, especially after unearthing an empty vodka bottle i'd found in grandpa's kitchen (didnt want to throw it away there because he'd see it, and get sad that she was hiding them everywhere, so i stuck it in my bag and forgot about it).
So that is that. Not even a month after the funeral, grandpa, who is a roofer, fell off a roof and broke his back. He can walk and all now, but wears a brace. It was pretty scary for awhile. Needless to say, i'm a LOT closer to him now, and certain phrases set me off for no apparent reason. I've been thinking a lot about love and second chances, and enternity, and love everlasting, and soulmates and all that stuff. I think entirely too much lately.
Case in point- today, i deleted about 2010 emails outta my yahoo mailbox. I went thru and saved about 250. Mostly important stuff, funny jokes, saved IM convos (hey, I got the idea from Jeremy Mason, who keeps every note ever written to him. Proof is always good to have. lol) sweet little things that people have said to me online or by email (mostly from Jeremy L., Eduardo or Mike), and also some bad stuff. Really bad stuff. Like, stuff that broke my heart reading it the first time, and made me feel no better reliving it today. David stuff.
Some of those emails were so biting, and cruel... makes me wonder why i loved (love?) him so much. There must be something fundamentally incredible underneath it all for me to have stuck around for so long, and him vice versa, even though he bailed rather quickly and hasnt looked back since (and i wont pretend THAT doesnt sting).
Some days, I really and truly wonder if he has messed it all up for me forever. If I'm irrepairable. And damaged. And dark and twisty.
It just sucks. You make so many plans (some of which i was shocked to hear myself talk about today with Cherie at lunch) for your future, detailed plans. the who, when, where, what, why and hows of your future together, and it gets taken from you so quickly, and with no regret, remorse or a thought longer than necessary. Does anyone get how much that sucks and how bummed that can make a person if they thought about it (or even if they tried purposely NOT to)? man.
I've dated one guy since then, and it fell apart pretty quickly. And it makes me wonder if my heart is into it at all. Like, subconsciously, if I can't have those plans I made with him, maybe I don't really want any. It doesn't seem fair.
Rosie posted something in her myspace blog about how you write things out to 20 people, but dont say what is for who. I wrote something for him that basically said "you've already consumed such a huge part of my life, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces to think that it won't be you consuming the rest of it." it's true.
And some days, when i go really wild with my thoughts, i wonder that if i made the switch back into what i call the God Game, would he reexamine his options? If I became the strong Christian woman I was 4 years ago (and then a lot more), and was more equal to his level, would it give us another chance? Or have we exhausted all our chances? That's been creeping into my mind lately. I think it's interesting. Not that I'm gonna make the switch, although I am very sick and tired of the proverbial college life. I know there is more, it just doesnt seem like many others know it.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like i lay in bed at night and pine away or anything weak like that. I was just blindsided by memories i had put behind me over a year ago. And memories can be enough to kill you.
It's no good. Another thing that depressed me: reading all the sweet stuff the guys said (Jeremy's 'you're amazing, i cant believe i found someone like you to talk to', etc, Eduardo's 'you should save your smile for those that deserve it, you're amazing, blah blah'), and then remember that, wait, oh yes, that's right... not ONE of them is still around much. Dont waste your breath telling me how great i am unless you plan to actually stick around long enough to make me FEEL like it. or to demonstrate you mean it. telling me i'm great and then not talking to me for 6 months (unless you want something from me) kinda negates the compliment in the first place, so why should i ever believe i am anything more than just there?
So, since the last update... my grandma (grandpa waigand's wife) died... she was a closet alcoholic for years, and cirrhosis finally did her in. and now that i've seen what it can do to people and how it can rip apart families, i've cut way back on my own consumption. Since she died in May, i've gone drinking twice, and that was plenty. Between that and Brad wrecking Princess after a night out, he and I are both convinced that when you booze, you lose. It's not cool. which puts me between a rock and a hard place, since it seems my new roommate (a guy this time) has a slight drinking problem. it makes me uncomfortable, and the consensus is 3 yeses to 1 no about bringing it up to him. So we'll see. I just don't want to be reminded of it all. Not to mention, i fought tooth and nail to be able to go to the funeral (got a new CC and all to pay for airfare), and i do not at all regret the $250 i owe to the bank for it. I was able to reconcile with my grandpa, which is great because i love him muy mucho. I am a combination of my dad and him, personality-wise (body is all mom. lol). we're so much alike, it's no wonder we but heads while i was in my rotten teenage phase. but i was there when he needed me. I babysat my little cousins, Lexi, Payton and Danny (love those kiddos!), and cleaned the house. I've called him pretty frequently since, and sent him a care package complete with the Blue Collar Comedy movie, which features his favorite comedian Ron White (don't even ask me how many times he made us listen to Drunk In Public).
Before I flew out, I got to see Lucas. He came to the airport and had lunch with me. and he brought wife Carla. oy. She is perfectly nice, but i think he can do better (i.e., me?! lol)... But he was all huggy and asking how I was, and i think it really scared him how down I was, but as I warned him, it's not like I was there for a wedding or something happy. I love my Lucas, and it was great seeing him again, even if it was just for 2 hours with his wife there. My flights were delayed going there and back... which inconvenienced my parents (who got me from OHare in their rental car... a freakin PT Cruiser!) and Mike, who took me to Orlando Intl., and picked me up. I crashed at his place on the way back because I wasn't ready to face work again.
Gotta love that man, i swear. he might have gotten a little worried too, as i was still thoroughly bummed, especially after unearthing an empty vodka bottle i'd found in grandpa's kitchen (didnt want to throw it away there because he'd see it, and get sad that she was hiding them everywhere, so i stuck it in my bag and forgot about it).
So that is that. Not even a month after the funeral, grandpa, who is a roofer, fell off a roof and broke his back. He can walk and all now, but wears a brace. It was pretty scary for awhile. Needless to say, i'm a LOT closer to him now, and certain phrases set me off for no apparent reason. I've been thinking a lot about love and second chances, and enternity, and love everlasting, and soulmates and all that stuff. I think entirely too much lately.
Case in point- today, i deleted about 2010 emails outta my yahoo mailbox. I went thru and saved about 250. Mostly important stuff, funny jokes, saved IM convos (hey, I got the idea from Jeremy Mason, who keeps every note ever written to him. Proof is always good to have. lol) sweet little things that people have said to me online or by email (mostly from Jeremy L., Eduardo or Mike), and also some bad stuff. Really bad stuff. Like, stuff that broke my heart reading it the first time, and made me feel no better reliving it today. David stuff.
Some of those emails were so biting, and cruel... makes me wonder why i loved (love?) him so much. There must be something fundamentally incredible underneath it all for me to have stuck around for so long, and him vice versa, even though he bailed rather quickly and hasnt looked back since (and i wont pretend THAT doesnt sting).
Some days, I really and truly wonder if he has messed it all up for me forever. If I'm irrepairable. And damaged. And dark and twisty.
It just sucks. You make so many plans (some of which i was shocked to hear myself talk about today with Cherie at lunch) for your future, detailed plans. the who, when, where, what, why and hows of your future together, and it gets taken from you so quickly, and with no regret, remorse or a thought longer than necessary. Does anyone get how much that sucks and how bummed that can make a person if they thought about it (or even if they tried purposely NOT to)? man.
I've dated one guy since then, and it fell apart pretty quickly. And it makes me wonder if my heart is into it at all. Like, subconsciously, if I can't have those plans I made with him, maybe I don't really want any. It doesn't seem fair.
Rosie posted something in her myspace blog about how you write things out to 20 people, but dont say what is for who. I wrote something for him that basically said "you've already consumed such a huge part of my life, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces to think that it won't be you consuming the rest of it." it's true.
And some days, when i go really wild with my thoughts, i wonder that if i made the switch back into what i call the God Game, would he reexamine his options? If I became the strong Christian woman I was 4 years ago (and then a lot more), and was more equal to his level, would it give us another chance? Or have we exhausted all our chances? That's been creeping into my mind lately. I think it's interesting. Not that I'm gonna make the switch, although I am very sick and tired of the proverbial college life. I know there is more, it just doesnt seem like many others know it.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like i lay in bed at night and pine away or anything weak like that. I was just blindsided by memories i had put behind me over a year ago. And memories can be enough to kill you.
It's no good. Another thing that depressed me: reading all the sweet stuff the guys said (Jeremy's 'you're amazing, i cant believe i found someone like you to talk to', etc, Eduardo's 'you should save your smile for those that deserve it, you're amazing, blah blah'), and then remember that, wait, oh yes, that's right... not ONE of them is still around much. Dont waste your breath telling me how great i am unless you plan to actually stick around long enough to make me FEEL like it. or to demonstrate you mean it. telling me i'm great and then not talking to me for 6 months (unless you want something from me) kinda negates the compliment in the first place, so why should i ever believe i am anything more than just there?