07-27-2023
I originally made a Followers Only Mastodon thread back in May on a friend stress I am dealing with. When it was bugging me a lot because ParcelForce removed the tracking information from the link for it due to the amount of time.
I get horribly lonely and one of the things I wish for most is someone to play video-games or watch stuff together with me. In the past I used to buy people copies of stuff to try to help make that easier, but it never went that way. I would hesitate buying multiplayer games friends were playing even when asked to because I worried they wouldn't actually play with me, or would lose interest and stop playing once I had it. This repeatedly is how things have went. So I stopped doing that, and stopped asking people to do activities with me because it hurt too much. It's the same reason I no longer ask if anyone is around to talk when I am struggling because asking and receiving no response is worst than just trying to distract myself on my own. It also why I limit myself with Animal Crossing despite loving the design and setting. Because I end-up feeling so alone after a while of playing and because of the artificial friendship with the villagers aspect I feel pathetic like I am trying to fill in with things programmed to interact with me.
I have friends, and mostly have better friendships than in the past (don't be friends with someone who you have panic attacks socialising with!). But I don't have friends like other people do. I kinda exist outside like a bystander. I don't have people who will watch stuff with me, or play games together, or even call up. I often feel like I am interjecting myself into spaces or interactions. I used to live tweet audioplays with friends, or watch something while IMing or voice chat. But that was back in the days of MSN Messenger and Gizmo Project. And when I withdrew from online because of the stuff from 2011 most of those friendships moved on to not including me in those activities, or stopped talking to me because I wasn't around for months and didn't respond "correctly" to pressuring or ultimatums/tests. It took my years to feel comfortable interacting because of the wreckage of back then.
And even now through I have friends and fandoms to participate in and that I really enjoy; I spend a lot of time feeling in a cloud of isolation.
But I figured I might as well make a post to get some of those feelings out instead of bottling it up. The friend from the Mastodon thread Follows me on Twitter so I couldn't really vent like I do to get advice or work-out my upset. So here is a DreamWidth post. Below is a quote of the original thread:
{ https://mas.to/@Lady_Noremon/110387749053907091 }
05-18-2023
I came into some money last summer and used part of it to buy a friend a used PS4. Also sent a parcel of little things like Lego & a shirt I had planned to send over a year to them. I also bought them the 2 Two Point games for it. It was something they couldn't afford and I was super excited to play stuff like TESO with them. Well they missed delivery of both (got the games though) so those were left at the post office for pick-up.
I asked about it for the first bit, getting told they would pick it up the next day, or trying for redelivery. I stopped asking when my life stuff got hard because I felt lied to every time I did. I suspected something was maybe wrong like too sick but the friend never said anything or acknowledged not getting it.
I watched the tracking information on both for 6+ months until the PS4 got sent back to the Seller.
The other Canada Post said they would send me back but haven't yet. I initially was worried it was lost so contacted and they said it was waiting for pick-up at said post office.
Over those months I stopped initiating socialising with that friend. But did send a Christmas card. They proceeded to message me several places about a daytrip they took (when I didn't respond one place sent on another).
I told them I would like to talk to them. And missed them. But I couldn't pretend stuff didn't happen. I sent them the information to follow-up with the Seller, and asked why they let it go to waste. They never responded to my messages on it.
I did get a message from them when Minnow died, and wished them happy birthday. But I don't have the capacity to play along that nothing was wrong. I find it triggering actually because of past abuse/trauma.
We had exchanged parcels in the past and have been friends over a decade so I didn't think anything of gifting them the used PS4. I was just super happy and excited and didn't think at all it would go like this.
No apology, no explaination, no acknowledgement about it.
I can't even get a refund because it's not the Seller's fault it was abandoned to rot for months.
It hit me really hard in February because a friend contacted a store local to me and had a Saint Valentine's Day surprise prepared for me to pick-up. Which I did no problem. Said store was farther from me than that post office is from that other friend. And I was really mad.
Like they dropped the ball hard. And I self blame for initiating the issue instead of not buying/sending stuff.
Like I miss them. But I have no energy to move past this without any communication.
I was so scared of getting an angry response back when I finally confronted. I was so on edge because of past experiences. Where "this is bothering me" was met by being attacked. But to get no response back really hit me hard. To just have it all ignored.
It's all in their hands now though. I can't play along and go back to how things were because again no acknowledgement at all. It all rehashed a lot of past trauma for me since I was having such a hard time with life besides.
I end-up kinda gaslighting myself too with the silence. That "it's not a big deal". "Why are you so upset by this?". "You should be the bigger person". But I keep coming back to the wall of not having the energy to expend on it any further. That even if I am at fault by sending it, it's on them with ignoring everything. That I did what I could. And it's more than just monetary or the object but their response (and lack of) to it all. I don't deserve this even if I am at initial fault.
07-24-2023
They Followed me on Instagram having just joined and if Instagram had like Facebook or Twitter where you can snooze or mute someone I would add back. But they still are ignoring this elephant in the room thing. And I don't want to see going out places when the parcels were left a short distance away to rot for half a year.
I am doing up a parcel to send a different friend and while enjoying it and excited, keep having little jolts of anxiety because of the last parcels I sent someone.
I have like no drive to play the Two Point games again. Same with TESO. I think my enthusiasm died those months waiting and putting off playing so I could play with this friend and not be too much farther ahead. I love TPS' marketing and probably will eventually buy the expansions I am missing on PS4 to support them. But like no ambition to play them anymore.
The hard life time being my stomach issues getting so bad my doctor put me on no work orders, and the terminal diagnosis and hospice care for Minnow. That took all of my energy to deal with anything. The grief and dread everyday during her last 5 months of life. And I couldn't talk to the person I usually would because of the parcel stuff to them hanging over my head. It also made me angry because I ended-up where the money I spent could have been really helpful rather than the waste it was. It wouldn't have been a waste if they had collected the PS4 and such, but it ended-up going to nothing but the Seller to probably resell again. I was so, so excited and that joy draining and dying over those months too.
So here is a post to get things out more longform than a bunch of toots.
https://lady-noremon.dreamwidth.org/485275.html/
I get horribly lonely and one of the things I wish for most is someone to play video-games or watch stuff together with me. In the past I used to buy people copies of stuff to try to help make that easier, but it never went that way. I would hesitate buying multiplayer games friends were playing even when asked to because I worried they wouldn't actually play with me, or would lose interest and stop playing once I had it. This repeatedly is how things have went. So I stopped doing that, and stopped asking people to do activities with me because it hurt too much. It's the same reason I no longer ask if anyone is around to talk when I am struggling because asking and receiving no response is worst than just trying to distract myself on my own. It also why I limit myself with Animal Crossing despite loving the design and setting. Because I end-up feeling so alone after a while of playing and because of the artificial friendship with the villagers aspect I feel pathetic like I am trying to fill in with things programmed to interact with me.
I have friends, and mostly have better friendships than in the past (don't be friends with someone who you have panic attacks socialising with!). But I don't have friends like other people do. I kinda exist outside like a bystander. I don't have people who will watch stuff with me, or play games together, or even call up. I often feel like I am interjecting myself into spaces or interactions. I used to live tweet audioplays with friends, or watch something while IMing or voice chat. But that was back in the days of MSN Messenger and Gizmo Project. And when I withdrew from online because of the stuff from 2011 most of those friendships moved on to not including me in those activities, or stopped talking to me because I wasn't around for months and didn't respond "correctly" to pressuring or ultimatums/tests. It took my years to feel comfortable interacting because of the wreckage of back then.
And even now through I have friends and fandoms to participate in and that I really enjoy; I spend a lot of time feeling in a cloud of isolation.
But I figured I might as well make a post to get some of those feelings out instead of bottling it up. The friend from the Mastodon thread Follows me on Twitter so I couldn't really vent like I do to get advice or work-out my upset. So here is a DreamWidth post. Below is a quote of the original thread:
{ https://mas.to/@Lady_Noremon/110387749053907091 }
05-18-2023
I came into some money last summer and used part of it to buy a friend a used PS4. Also sent a parcel of little things like Lego & a shirt I had planned to send over a year to them. I also bought them the 2 Two Point games for it. It was something they couldn't afford and I was super excited to play stuff like TESO with them. Well they missed delivery of both (got the games though) so those were left at the post office for pick-up.
I asked about it for the first bit, getting told they would pick it up the next day, or trying for redelivery. I stopped asking when my life stuff got hard because I felt lied to every time I did. I suspected something was maybe wrong like too sick but the friend never said anything or acknowledged not getting it.
I watched the tracking information on both for 6+ months until the PS4 got sent back to the Seller.
The other Canada Post said they would send me back but haven't yet. I initially was worried it was lost so contacted and they said it was waiting for pick-up at said post office.
Over those months I stopped initiating socialising with that friend. But did send a Christmas card. They proceeded to message me several places about a daytrip they took (when I didn't respond one place sent on another).
I told them I would like to talk to them. And missed them. But I couldn't pretend stuff didn't happen. I sent them the information to follow-up with the Seller, and asked why they let it go to waste. They never responded to my messages on it.
I did get a message from them when Minnow died, and wished them happy birthday. But I don't have the capacity to play along that nothing was wrong. I find it triggering actually because of past abuse/trauma.
We had exchanged parcels in the past and have been friends over a decade so I didn't think anything of gifting them the used PS4. I was just super happy and excited and didn't think at all it would go like this.
No apology, no explaination, no acknowledgement about it.
I can't even get a refund because it's not the Seller's fault it was abandoned to rot for months.
It hit me really hard in February because a friend contacted a store local to me and had a Saint Valentine's Day surprise prepared for me to pick-up. Which I did no problem. Said store was farther from me than that post office is from that other friend. And I was really mad.
Like they dropped the ball hard. And I self blame for initiating the issue instead of not buying/sending stuff.
Like I miss them. But I have no energy to move past this without any communication.
I was so scared of getting an angry response back when I finally confronted. I was so on edge because of past experiences. Where "this is bothering me" was met by being attacked. But to get no response back really hit me hard. To just have it all ignored.
It's all in their hands now though. I can't play along and go back to how things were because again no acknowledgement at all. It all rehashed a lot of past trauma for me since I was having such a hard time with life besides.
I end-up kinda gaslighting myself too with the silence. That "it's not a big deal". "Why are you so upset by this?". "You should be the bigger person". But I keep coming back to the wall of not having the energy to expend on it any further. That even if I am at fault by sending it, it's on them with ignoring everything. That I did what I could. And it's more than just monetary or the object but their response (and lack of) to it all. I don't deserve this even if I am at initial fault.
07-24-2023
They Followed me on Instagram having just joined and if Instagram had like Facebook or Twitter where you can snooze or mute someone I would add back. But they still are ignoring this elephant in the room thing. And I don't want to see going out places when the parcels were left a short distance away to rot for half a year.
I am doing up a parcel to send a different friend and while enjoying it and excited, keep having little jolts of anxiety because of the last parcels I sent someone.
I have like no drive to play the Two Point games again. Same with TESO. I think my enthusiasm died those months waiting and putting off playing so I could play with this friend and not be too much farther ahead. I love TPS' marketing and probably will eventually buy the expansions I am missing on PS4 to support them. But like no ambition to play them anymore.
The hard life time being my stomach issues getting so bad my doctor put me on no work orders, and the terminal diagnosis and hospice care for Minnow. That took all of my energy to deal with anything. The grief and dread everyday during her last 5 months of life. And I couldn't talk to the person I usually would because of the parcel stuff to them hanging over my head. It also made me angry because I ended-up where the money I spent could have been really helpful rather than the waste it was. It wouldn't have been a waste if they had collected the PS4 and such, but it ended-up going to nothing but the Seller to probably resell again. I was so, so excited and that joy draining and dying over those months too.
So here is a post to get things out more longform than a bunch of toots.
https://lady-noremon.dreamwidth.org/485275.html/