From Nintendo 3DS On October 14TH, 2012
I tried to write an entry on Friday, but I couldn't finish it, so I tried yesterday and just gave up. Maybe it will get done, or I'll post what I got, but this will do. I've pretty much said all I was going to post elsewhere anyway (Plurk/Twitter/Facebook). I had a crappy week, and Thanksgiving made me feel like it doesn't matter if I'm alive or dead to most, and that feeling has yet to bugger off.
---
→Last Friday I went to visit Douchette for the first time in 2 months. We warched "Hudson Hawk" [Davis Caruso (Horatio) played a mute disguise artist named Kit-Kat], and played "You Don't Know Jack" & I played "Sorcery" (a PlayStation Move game with Erline the annoying/mean cow). I earned 13 PSN trophies (my PSN is 'Lady_Noremon' or whatever my LJ profile links to). We ate a Subway submarine sandwich, and almost a whole lasagna. I also injured my arm after using the Move controller so much and had to wear my arm brace for most of the following week.
→Thanksgiving was awful. I wasn't welcome at dinner because 3/4 adoptive siblings deem I am 'not family' despite growing-up here (my biological mother works shift work), and living here full-time for over half my life. This started last year and has meant a lot of hurt. Especially with almost every other aspect of my life also throwing that I have no value at me. I had my own little dinner this year, but felt utterly pathetic and unwanted to the point I went back to bed and watched "Quite Interesting" & "James May's Man Lab". I didn't even have Armie's messages on the day of because I didn't check my e-mail for a few days, and tweeted my cellular-telephone number (New Scotland area code BAO-ETTA) because I was debating going offline again.
→I feel so alone. I have people to contact, but due to time zones, their occupations, and my fear of bothering them I don't even when I am utterly disconsolate. Others that have said to contact them whenever I'm too anxious to (memories of ignored text-messages/IM, and such). And most other people I'm scared to even say 'hey' to for fear I'll be Blocked or removed more. Hell, I couldn't even talk about Nicolas being sick without my Twitter Following going down. I don't know if it's just that nothing comes out right, if it's enjoyable for others, if they think I deserve it, or what. But when I said "I shouldn't have to be scared friends will remove me", I meant it just as I said it. And the person I said it to railed at me for being mean, then went around removing me or having it so I get "Comment To Be Added To My Friends". Others have gone about hiding my name from their "Friend Of" list even. And then not understanding why I have no trust, feel worthless, and am utterly terrified to talk to people. Which is why even if I got help again, it wouldn't change anything. All my life I've been stuck in a cycle of building-up, then breaking apart. But this time nothing is going to improve, nothing is going to stop, and hope is pointless.
→I got an appointment with my family doctor to get my MRI results, and to talk about my circulation (vein problems run in my family, and I've developed 2 spider veins on my leg, been having numbness, & not been able to keep warm.). I also called the physiotherapy department to make an appointment now that I've had my MRI. Well the one working the desk couldn't find my file. After a lot of searching she found it in the 'to discharge' folder, listed as the day I called in sick. So pretty much my new physiotherapist tried to discharge me :/ Which did not help my value level very much at all. I mentioned here before that she called me out-of-the-blue wanting to discharge me after only 1 appointment with her & booking another. I know that they have all of Pat's patients to deal with now, but for fuck sakes. I'm going to see what my results are & how Friday's session goes, but I think I'll request another reassignment (though the one I have is who Patrick thought would be best). I can't 'shop around' much though because I'm in a rural area, and my treatments need to be in a hospital for my provincial health insurance to cover it.
→Nicki had his recheck and it was excellent. So I got his innoculations & was very, very as ease. But right after those telephone calls (doctor/physio') Nicolas had an accident on the table. So I called the vets' and was told to come pick-up another round of those pills he was on since his physical examination was so great. Hopefully this will help :( But June really, really upset me when as I was getting back in the car after getting the ($7) pills, she said that I probably should have Nick put down as it has been expensive. He has a urinary tract problem, that now that it's been caught, that if he eats his food will have no impact on his quality of life, FFS.
→Yesterday I took my 3 brats out for 10 minute walks. I had hoped for a repeat of last year's adorableness in the autumn leaves, but Minnow is the only one that briefly pounced on anything. I have 3 videos from it/them to upload to YouTube once they convert. I had a hard time getting them to even go out though D: Minnow got harnessed fine, but then ran up stairs and hid. Nicolas was freaked-out that he was going to the vets' again.--So I let him walk where he wanted instead of carrying him to the front lawn where the leaves are. Lydia thought that I wanted to play chase with her, and ran up-and-down the stairs and bounced all over the place not letting me catch her. However once all of them were outside, they were fine! Lydia is probably the vest to walk as she doesn't squirm if I have to pick her up.
→I plan to do countdown pictures for "Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward" like ahnjehleehn, only using "9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors" characters as I don't know the VLR cast very well [I'm hoping to like Dio & Sigma though, and Cloooooover (older than in 999 though, but she's Snake's little sister :} )]. I've been blah today so I've yet to scan or colour my little Zero doodle yet, or start Ace for tomorrow. I'm just doing doodles though in that little cute style because it already is daunting enough D: Zero's gasmask is frustrating to draw. I'm also saddened that the game comes out on the 24TH, and not the 20TH as I had thought :/
→I'm not looking forward to LiveJournal's new posting page. I like the drop-down lists, and the new page hates my crappy Internet & old computer :[ (I'm trying to edit some entries before, like I unlocked one last night).
→I'm getting less ignored on Twitter, but still enough that I feel like I'm tweeting to air or myself. I'm also still too scared to check the main stream usually, because I don't want to know who's not there anymore. I know the Blocks were from people I cared about, but I don't know all of who, and I don't want to either which is why I haven't used Friend Or Follow's service in over a year. Withdrawing off online wasn't the right thing to do, being sociable isn't the right thing to do, so I just don't know anymore.
→I feel like a pariah.
→I have some timed tweets I set-up back in March when I still had hope, and wasn't as scared. But now I'm scared that by letting even "I hope you have a fantastic day" to someone on their birthday will lead to Blocking. But there is nothing I can do, as I reinstalled TweetDeck, but it won't let me log-in. I even tried the web & Google Chrome versions, but I cannot log-in there either. It isn't my password, because entering something else gives a wrong or bad password error. I'm not planning on using TweetDeck anymore anyway, but it just means that any Scheduled Tweets are going to tweet. I'm worried most about the one for the 28TH, and sm thinking about deactivating my account for that day, but I don't know if that would even work--I'm also scared that it might be seen as a reason to go about deleting things (if they haven't already been as I'm too terrified to check now. I posted "Watching The Detectives" with the mobile site even).
→"The Mentalist" is on tonight, and I worry about Jane even more after last week's episode. But Jane & the rabbit was adorable, and had an Alice feel (and I liked that it was a brown rabbit instead of a white)!
---
→Last Friday I went to visit Douchette for the first time in 2 months. We warched "Hudson Hawk" [Davis Caruso (Horatio) played a mute disguise artist named Kit-Kat], and played "You Don't Know Jack" & I played "Sorcery" (a PlayStation Move game with Erline the annoying/mean cow). I earned 13 PSN trophies (my PSN is 'Lady_Noremon' or whatever my LJ profile links to). We ate a Subway submarine sandwich, and almost a whole lasagna. I also injured my arm after using the Move controller so much and had to wear my arm brace for most of the following week.
→Thanksgiving was awful. I wasn't welcome at dinner because 3/4 adoptive siblings deem I am 'not family' despite growing-up here (my biological mother works shift work), and living here full-time for over half my life. This started last year and has meant a lot of hurt. Especially with almost every other aspect of my life also throwing that I have no value at me. I had my own little dinner this year, but felt utterly pathetic and unwanted to the point I went back to bed and watched "Quite Interesting" & "James May's Man Lab". I didn't even have Armie's messages on the day of because I didn't check my e-mail for a few days, and tweeted my cellular-telephone number (New Scotland area code BAO-ETTA) because I was debating going offline again.
→I feel so alone. I have people to contact, but due to time zones, their occupations, and my fear of bothering them I don't even when I am utterly disconsolate. Others that have said to contact them whenever I'm too anxious to (memories of ignored text-messages/IM, and such). And most other people I'm scared to even say 'hey' to for fear I'll be Blocked or removed more. Hell, I couldn't even talk about Nicolas being sick without my Twitter Following going down. I don't know if it's just that nothing comes out right, if it's enjoyable for others, if they think I deserve it, or what. But when I said "I shouldn't have to be scared friends will remove me", I meant it just as I said it. And the person I said it to railed at me for being mean, then went around removing me or having it so I get "Comment To Be Added To My Friends". Others have gone about hiding my name from their "Friend Of" list even. And then not understanding why I have no trust, feel worthless, and am utterly terrified to talk to people. Which is why even if I got help again, it wouldn't change anything. All my life I've been stuck in a cycle of building-up, then breaking apart. But this time nothing is going to improve, nothing is going to stop, and hope is pointless.
→I got an appointment with my family doctor to get my MRI results, and to talk about my circulation (vein problems run in my family, and I've developed 2 spider veins on my leg, been having numbness, & not been able to keep warm.). I also called the physiotherapy department to make an appointment now that I've had my MRI. Well the one working the desk couldn't find my file. After a lot of searching she found it in the 'to discharge' folder, listed as the day I called in sick. So pretty much my new physiotherapist tried to discharge me :/ Which did not help my value level very much at all. I mentioned here before that she called me out-of-the-blue wanting to discharge me after only 1 appointment with her & booking another. I know that they have all of Pat's patients to deal with now, but for fuck sakes. I'm going to see what my results are & how Friday's session goes, but I think I'll request another reassignment (though the one I have is who Patrick thought would be best). I can't 'shop around' much though because I'm in a rural area, and my treatments need to be in a hospital for my provincial health insurance to cover it.
→Nicki had his recheck and it was excellent. So I got his innoculations & was very, very as ease. But right after those telephone calls (doctor/physio') Nicolas had an accident on the table. So I called the vets' and was told to come pick-up another round of those pills he was on since his physical examination was so great. Hopefully this will help :( But June really, really upset me when as I was getting back in the car after getting the ($7) pills, she said that I probably should have Nick put down as it has been expensive. He has a urinary tract problem, that now that it's been caught, that if he eats his food will have no impact on his quality of life, FFS.
→Yesterday I took my 3 brats out for 10 minute walks. I had hoped for a repeat of last year's adorableness in the autumn leaves, but Minnow is the only one that briefly pounced on anything. I have 3 videos from it/them to upload to YouTube once they convert. I had a hard time getting them to even go out though D: Minnow got harnessed fine, but then ran up stairs and hid. Nicolas was freaked-out that he was going to the vets' again.--So I let him walk where he wanted instead of carrying him to the front lawn where the leaves are. Lydia thought that I wanted to play chase with her, and ran up-and-down the stairs and bounced all over the place not letting me catch her. However once all of them were outside, they were fine! Lydia is probably the vest to walk as she doesn't squirm if I have to pick her up.
→I plan to do countdown pictures for "Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward" like ahnjehleehn, only using "9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors" characters as I don't know the VLR cast very well [I'm hoping to like Dio & Sigma though, and Cloooooover (older than in 999 though, but she's Snake's little sister :} )]. I've been blah today so I've yet to scan or colour my little Zero doodle yet, or start Ace for tomorrow. I'm just doing doodles though in that little cute style because it already is daunting enough D: Zero's gasmask is frustrating to draw. I'm also saddened that the game comes out on the 24TH, and not the 20TH as I had thought :/
→I'm not looking forward to LiveJournal's new posting page. I like the drop-down lists, and the new page hates my crappy Internet & old computer :[ (I'm trying to edit some entries before, like I unlocked one last night).
→I'm getting less ignored on Twitter, but still enough that I feel like I'm tweeting to air or myself. I'm also still too scared to check the main stream usually, because I don't want to know who's not there anymore. I know the Blocks were from people I cared about, but I don't know all of who, and I don't want to either which is why I haven't used Friend Or Follow's service in over a year. Withdrawing off online wasn't the right thing to do, being sociable isn't the right thing to do, so I just don't know anymore.
→I feel like a pariah.
→I have some timed tweets I set-up back in March when I still had hope, and wasn't as scared. But now I'm scared that by letting even "I hope you have a fantastic day" to someone on their birthday will lead to Blocking. But there is nothing I can do, as I reinstalled TweetDeck, but it won't let me log-in. I even tried the web & Google Chrome versions, but I cannot log-in there either. It isn't my password, because entering something else gives a wrong or bad password error. I'm not planning on using TweetDeck anymore anyway, but it just means that any Scheduled Tweets are going to tweet. I'm worried most about the one for the 28TH, and sm thinking about deactivating my account for that day, but I don't know if that would even work--I'm also scared that it might be seen as a reason to go about deleting things (if they haven't already been as I'm too terrified to check now. I posted "Watching The Detectives" with the mobile site even).
→"The Mentalist" is on tonight, and I worry about Jane even more after last week's episode. But Jane & the rabbit was adorable, and had an Alice feel (and I liked that it was a brown rabbit instead of a white)!