Back to the Start
My life, as of recently, can only be described as a series of seemingly meaningless events that somehow make me feel more connected to myself than I thought possible, based on my most recent past experiences. Technically, I guess any life could be described as such...but of course, this is my journal, and though rather unfortunate, I only have one set of eyes--mine. The things I see and the things I feel come from my perspective and my head alone. Anyways, that's beside the point, and I've got enough fuel on that subject alone to spend this entire entry deviating from my original post.
Jayne and I rented two more ridiculous (and shall remain unnamed) movies tonight. Unlike last night, I could barely focus on any of the movies--mostly because I was preoccupied with being full and sick to my stomach after the gorge fest my cousins and family and Jayne and I embarked upon earlier this afternoon. Jayne fell asleep during the second bad movie, and I grabbed my headphones, slipped a CD Court had burned into the player, and wandered outside with a cigarette and a lighter and a cup of water to ash into. I headed towards my usual chair--a big green lounge thingy with a little white metal table next to it--but discovered, very unfortunately, a giant roach sitting on the table. What IS it with me and roaches lately?! My endeavor at 5AM today left me with a vast paranoia for roaches. So I moved to another chair near another table (my gma has approximately six chairs and five tables in a ten foot radius on her porch). I started the CD, and it was playing quietly. Usually I turn up the volume as loud as my ears can handle in the given situation, trying to drown all the thoughts and feelings out of my head with the loud reverberations of voices I recognize but can't associate with a face. Yet tonight the quiet sounded vaguely comforting, so I left it as it was. And the strange quiet somehow managed to drown out all the sounds of the lake in a very peaceful way. I sat in my chair, with a hoodie on and a blaknet wrapped around my legs, and I looked out over Gma's pool and the light I turned on beneath the water, and the way the plants swayed with an oddly cool late-night Texas breeze. I was listening to Gravity, by Modest Mouse, and the song itself seems to contain some rhythm or sound that consistently lulls me into a calming, inner peace of sorts. And Court had burned the CD (for herself, and I insisted upon burning a copy for road trip nostalgia and the fact that I loved the songs), and knowing that she had burned the CD made me feel close to her, despite the obvious distance between us. I think it's amazing how much a CD of personal songs, burned by somebody else, can make me feel so much closer in contact with them when miles or experiences or lifestyles stand as stiff barriers. And I got a text message from her at that same time that made my entire thought process eerie and tranquil. And I had just finished writing her a letter, and sealed it, and the letter contains a chunk of my new life. I thought about all of that while I sat there and watched these two little palm bushes (NOT trees) dancing around, and I couldn't feel a wind because of the fence beside me and the roof over my head, and I couldn't hear any noise. I absolutely loved it. These completely random and probably irrelevent occurances give me a sense of dedication and resolve towards everything that I'm working for and everything I've incidentally already achieved. Change can happen so instantly. One day things felt horrible and the next, I woke up feeling completely different and more alive.
My entire life has taken a turn-around. I write about it, and I wonder if anybody but me notices--or if, to them, I'm just the same old Les on a new day. Do people notice the discreet mental changes in a person--especialyl when their lives have them preoccupied with their own annoyances? I sometimes wonder if I need somebody to notice the milestones I pass every day now inside my head, just so I know they're real, so I can affirm their validity, so I know I'm really changing and not just dreaming.
I thought about so many things tonight--so many years, so many consequences and losses and gains and troubles...falls and victories, chances missed and chances taken. For a long time I've explained my behaviors to the people I've hurt in my warpath with the best words I could muster, but tonight was the first night I honestly felt that the explanations and logic forming in my head actually answered all my questions. I didn't feel sketchy about anything tonight--my head was ironclad. I wanted to call everybody--the people I've tried to reconcile with a thousand times before and never felt I did so adequately enough...and the people I hadn't spoken to yet because I'd been holding on for this wave of thoughts to pass over me. Of course I didn't call anybody...I figured that I can't lose what I've gained, and perhaps waiting more days will only increase my ability to properly sort out the waiting list of problems I've created for myself. I suddenly and clearly understood every action I've committed since I lost complete track of myself sophomore year, and the security in such a self-recovery gave me a confidence I can barely contain right now.
Maybe it was the night--and the wind I could see and not feel--and the music, the way it fit the mood and brought me mentally closer to my best friend--and the people I have in my life right now--and the way the thoughts transcended through my head. Or maybe it was just time. Maybe this was when everything was supposed to fall into place. Or maybe all my wishing and hoping has finally paid off and I'm earning what I wanted. Or maybe it's the sheer exhaustion (yet somewhat inability to get into a bed and feel comfortable sleeping), and the four diet cokes I drank today, or the fact that I'm disgustingly full of good food and have to laugh at the thought that I haven't eaten this much since my school diet digressed to pretty much cereal--out of sheer laziness and a lack of money. And, of course, free food on campus. And maybe, just maybe, it was the letter I dug up from Morgan, in the back of a bathroom drawyer, that suddenly made sense after all this time--which I'm only assuming helped me let things go without guilt and anguish.
Or maybe it's the fact that I know just where I stand right now. I know how I got here, and who--at various points along my life--helped me to get here. The key players--the characters who stand out. And even though I very definately recognize just how much help and love I've received from the time everything changed up until this very second...this is all for me. I'm not doing anything for anybody. I've got me right where I want me, with the foundations back under me, and a solid set of things I trust standing around me.
Every once in a while, the good, the bad, and the ugly all sort-of slide into equilibrium with one another, and for a few moments, your head is cleared, you have no regrets or worries, and everything is just…well, perfect. Maybe not flawless…but for that single instant in time, everything just makes sense.
I love you all--goodnight.
Jayne and I rented two more ridiculous (and shall remain unnamed) movies tonight. Unlike last night, I could barely focus on any of the movies--mostly because I was preoccupied with being full and sick to my stomach after the gorge fest my cousins and family and Jayne and I embarked upon earlier this afternoon. Jayne fell asleep during the second bad movie, and I grabbed my headphones, slipped a CD Court had burned into the player, and wandered outside with a cigarette and a lighter and a cup of water to ash into. I headed towards my usual chair--a big green lounge thingy with a little white metal table next to it--but discovered, very unfortunately, a giant roach sitting on the table. What IS it with me and roaches lately?! My endeavor at 5AM today left me with a vast paranoia for roaches. So I moved to another chair near another table (my gma has approximately six chairs and five tables in a ten foot radius on her porch). I started the CD, and it was playing quietly. Usually I turn up the volume as loud as my ears can handle in the given situation, trying to drown all the thoughts and feelings out of my head with the loud reverberations of voices I recognize but can't associate with a face. Yet tonight the quiet sounded vaguely comforting, so I left it as it was. And the strange quiet somehow managed to drown out all the sounds of the lake in a very peaceful way. I sat in my chair, with a hoodie on and a blaknet wrapped around my legs, and I looked out over Gma's pool and the light I turned on beneath the water, and the way the plants swayed with an oddly cool late-night Texas breeze. I was listening to Gravity, by Modest Mouse, and the song itself seems to contain some rhythm or sound that consistently lulls me into a calming, inner peace of sorts. And Court had burned the CD (for herself, and I insisted upon burning a copy for road trip nostalgia and the fact that I loved the songs), and knowing that she had burned the CD made me feel close to her, despite the obvious distance between us. I think it's amazing how much a CD of personal songs, burned by somebody else, can make me feel so much closer in contact with them when miles or experiences or lifestyles stand as stiff barriers. And I got a text message from her at that same time that made my entire thought process eerie and tranquil. And I had just finished writing her a letter, and sealed it, and the letter contains a chunk of my new life. I thought about all of that while I sat there and watched these two little palm bushes (NOT trees) dancing around, and I couldn't feel a wind because of the fence beside me and the roof over my head, and I couldn't hear any noise. I absolutely loved it. These completely random and probably irrelevent occurances give me a sense of dedication and resolve towards everything that I'm working for and everything I've incidentally already achieved. Change can happen so instantly. One day things felt horrible and the next, I woke up feeling completely different and more alive.
My entire life has taken a turn-around. I write about it, and I wonder if anybody but me notices--or if, to them, I'm just the same old Les on a new day. Do people notice the discreet mental changes in a person--especialyl when their lives have them preoccupied with their own annoyances? I sometimes wonder if I need somebody to notice the milestones I pass every day now inside my head, just so I know they're real, so I can affirm their validity, so I know I'm really changing and not just dreaming.
I thought about so many things tonight--so many years, so many consequences and losses and gains and troubles...falls and victories, chances missed and chances taken. For a long time I've explained my behaviors to the people I've hurt in my warpath with the best words I could muster, but tonight was the first night I honestly felt that the explanations and logic forming in my head actually answered all my questions. I didn't feel sketchy about anything tonight--my head was ironclad. I wanted to call everybody--the people I've tried to reconcile with a thousand times before and never felt I did so adequately enough...and the people I hadn't spoken to yet because I'd been holding on for this wave of thoughts to pass over me. Of course I didn't call anybody...I figured that I can't lose what I've gained, and perhaps waiting more days will only increase my ability to properly sort out the waiting list of problems I've created for myself. I suddenly and clearly understood every action I've committed since I lost complete track of myself sophomore year, and the security in such a self-recovery gave me a confidence I can barely contain right now.
Maybe it was the night--and the wind I could see and not feel--and the music, the way it fit the mood and brought me mentally closer to my best friend--and the people I have in my life right now--and the way the thoughts transcended through my head. Or maybe it was just time. Maybe this was when everything was supposed to fall into place. Or maybe all my wishing and hoping has finally paid off and I'm earning what I wanted. Or maybe it's the sheer exhaustion (yet somewhat inability to get into a bed and feel comfortable sleeping), and the four diet cokes I drank today, or the fact that I'm disgustingly full of good food and have to laugh at the thought that I haven't eaten this much since my school diet digressed to pretty much cereal--out of sheer laziness and a lack of money. And, of course, free food on campus. And maybe, just maybe, it was the letter I dug up from Morgan, in the back of a bathroom drawyer, that suddenly made sense after all this time--which I'm only assuming helped me let things go without guilt and anguish.
Or maybe it's the fact that I know just where I stand right now. I know how I got here, and who--at various points along my life--helped me to get here. The key players--the characters who stand out. And even though I very definately recognize just how much help and love I've received from the time everything changed up until this very second...this is all for me. I'm not doing anything for anybody. I've got me right where I want me, with the foundations back under me, and a solid set of things I trust standing around me.
Every once in a while, the good, the bad, and the ugly all sort-of slide into equilibrium with one another, and for a few moments, your head is cleared, you have no regrets or worries, and everything is just…well, perfect. Maybe not flawless…but for that single instant in time, everything just makes sense.
I love you all--goodnight.