Lessons of Life
I have not posted here for several... hmmm... months it seems. I have never been good with writing in journals and most of what I would do would be private. Not to mention my memory is not good at its best.
WARNING!!! LONG POST!!!
There are many things which have happened in the last few months which have shaped what is to come for me. Life changing events and things which have changed my plans for the future.
I have come to terms with my ex-husband having a new love in his life. This was very difficult for me as we had been together for over 15 years on and off. So I am learning where his place is in my life now. We are still friends which is great for our daughter, but the hardest thing for me was that he has someone else in his life now. Now I had no intention of ever getting back together with him, so this was a non issue. The issue was that he was able to have someone in his life, and I was very jealous because I had no one in mine. So yes I was jealous, but for different reasons than one might think. So I instantly hated this woman.
In the last few months I have sat down and talked with her and darn it, she is wonderful. I like her very much. Damn... LOL. Now I have to put things into new categories. I have wrapped my head around the fact that I was indeed jealous of him having a new love in his life and why. Then I found I was very happy for him. Damn.... I can no longer hold resentment towards him OR her. Damn... She is too wonderful and I love him enough that I want to see him happy and she makes him VERY happy. Cool!! Holy crap... I have moved on. Yay me!!! But I am still alone. Hmmm... This is good, but I still dont like it.
I need to be alone for right now. I dont want to, but I believe the universe is telling me that it is what I need. I need to work on me and be better before I can share me with anyone other than my daughter. KK... noted, but still not liked.
When I decided to come back to St. Louis it was because I found quite a few of my old friends from years ago would like for me to come back and that I would have a network of friends I could get reacquainted with. COOL!! This made coming back possible. Now I have found that some of my old friendships are not good for me as they were. We are now very different people and to attempt a close relationship would not be beneficial for either of us. Not that I dont want to be friends, but that a close friendship (you know bff) would not work. So I have wrapped my head around this fact and am moving on. I have very clear directions I want to go and they are very different from theirs. So maintain friendship, and be happy with occasional chats and time spent together. K can do.
Directions I want to go in my life. Wow these have changed radically.
While I still want to build my company, it is no longer my priority. Right now the priority is getting my GED, which I am very close to doing, so that I can go back to school. I HAVE FOUND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. I have struggled with this for YEARS. Always flip flopping one way or another never really having a clear direction I wanted to go. Well in a wonderful conversation with a new friend (yes the ex's love of his life) I have found out that there is a degree in Cosume Design!!! And that by going to Webster for said degree that it might be possible to intern with the Rep theater as Webster is where they get their interns. WOW!!! I have found my calling!!! This is my new goal. This will also help me in one day putting my company into full swing. LATER.
Another new direction for me, which is an old one lost. Costuming. Now I never really did give it up, but I was long out of the circles of Sci-Fi conventions and so costuming for such was lost to me for a while. I have found it again and am running with it. I have so many new ideas I dont know where to start. And no I wont tell you my ideas. You will have to see them when completed. LOL.
More new things I have wrapped my head around. Water. When I was very young up until age 12 I LOVED water. Then a traumatic event in my life happened around water involving my father. This affected me terribly. I was told it was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome by my Dr. This affected not only swimming, but getting in hot tubs, and even showering. I had to MAKE myself do these things. I enjoyed them immensely after I forced myself to get in, but it never lessened my dislike at first. Well I have decided to take back the power my father took over my enjoyment of water related activities. I now have that power back and will attempt to maintain it. He had that power for far too long. It is time and if I am to heal I need to claim ownership of that power. There are many ways I will be doing this, like meditations and such to help. But in the end I think it is the deciding to take it back that helps the most.
I think that is enough for tonight. Maybe in a few more months I will post again.
WARNING!!! LONG POST!!!
There are many things which have happened in the last few months which have shaped what is to come for me. Life changing events and things which have changed my plans for the future.
I have come to terms with my ex-husband having a new love in his life. This was very difficult for me as we had been together for over 15 years on and off. So I am learning where his place is in my life now. We are still friends which is great for our daughter, but the hardest thing for me was that he has someone else in his life now. Now I had no intention of ever getting back together with him, so this was a non issue. The issue was that he was able to have someone in his life, and I was very jealous because I had no one in mine. So yes I was jealous, but for different reasons than one might think. So I instantly hated this woman.
In the last few months I have sat down and talked with her and darn it, she is wonderful. I like her very much. Damn... LOL. Now I have to put things into new categories. I have wrapped my head around the fact that I was indeed jealous of him having a new love in his life and why. Then I found I was very happy for him. Damn.... I can no longer hold resentment towards him OR her. Damn... She is too wonderful and I love him enough that I want to see him happy and she makes him VERY happy. Cool!! Holy crap... I have moved on. Yay me!!! But I am still alone. Hmmm... This is good, but I still dont like it.
I need to be alone for right now. I dont want to, but I believe the universe is telling me that it is what I need. I need to work on me and be better before I can share me with anyone other than my daughter. KK... noted, but still not liked.
When I decided to come back to St. Louis it was because I found quite a few of my old friends from years ago would like for me to come back and that I would have a network of friends I could get reacquainted with. COOL!! This made coming back possible. Now I have found that some of my old friendships are not good for me as they were. We are now very different people and to attempt a close relationship would not be beneficial for either of us. Not that I dont want to be friends, but that a close friendship (you know bff) would not work. So I have wrapped my head around this fact and am moving on. I have very clear directions I want to go and they are very different from theirs. So maintain friendship, and be happy with occasional chats and time spent together. K can do.
Directions I want to go in my life. Wow these have changed radically.
While I still want to build my company, it is no longer my priority. Right now the priority is getting my GED, which I am very close to doing, so that I can go back to school. I HAVE FOUND WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. I have struggled with this for YEARS. Always flip flopping one way or another never really having a clear direction I wanted to go. Well in a wonderful conversation with a new friend (yes the ex's love of his life) I have found out that there is a degree in Cosume Design!!! And that by going to Webster for said degree that it might be possible to intern with the Rep theater as Webster is where they get their interns. WOW!!! I have found my calling!!! This is my new goal. This will also help me in one day putting my company into full swing. LATER.
Another new direction for me, which is an old one lost. Costuming. Now I never really did give it up, but I was long out of the circles of Sci-Fi conventions and so costuming for such was lost to me for a while. I have found it again and am running with it. I have so many new ideas I dont know where to start. And no I wont tell you my ideas. You will have to see them when completed. LOL.
More new things I have wrapped my head around. Water. When I was very young up until age 12 I LOVED water. Then a traumatic event in my life happened around water involving my father. This affected me terribly. I was told it was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome by my Dr. This affected not only swimming, but getting in hot tubs, and even showering. I had to MAKE myself do these things. I enjoyed them immensely after I forced myself to get in, but it never lessened my dislike at first. Well I have decided to take back the power my father took over my enjoyment of water related activities. I now have that power back and will attempt to maintain it. He had that power for far too long. It is time and if I am to heal I need to claim ownership of that power. There are many ways I will be doing this, like meditations and such to help. But in the end I think it is the deciding to take it back that helps the most.
I think that is enough for tonight. Maybe in a few more months I will post again.