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Sorry, this post is rather long. Many times as of late I have said maybe I'll give my testimony on here, today I am going to. Here it is...
I have been brought up in a Christian home my whole life. I accepted Christ into my heart in first grade during morning devotion time. My faith started really started to mean something to me around 8th grade. It was also in 8th grade that I became friends with a girl who changed my life. She was not a nice friend, every 5-10 minutes she reminded me that I was dumb, stupid, ugly, fat, and unlikable and because of this, men would never want me. She let me know how lucky a girl like me could have her as a friend. She started out nice, so the abuse kinda snuck up on me. I also had heard from my brother for sometime that I was ugly and fat so her ideas seemed right. (My brother at some point in high school apologized for his behavior and we now get along great!) In addition, I am a very loyal friend so I stayed friends with her through part of 10th grade. This girl was very controlling so I didn't have other friends to go to when our friendship ended. She also pitted my against my parents. I would lie to them, yell at them, and basically be a brat to them.
I dealt with the stress of the friendship by eating so I had begun gaining weight. Soon after that friendship ended my mom started in on me. One time in a restaurant she yelled at me saying if you weren't so fat we would have room on the bench for the two of us. Another when eating a night snack of two rings of pineapple she yelled at me, that's it-I'm calling a dietitian. She said many other things but they were more subtle. Even though they were subtle, they still hurt.
It was my senior year and I still hadn't made many good friends. I felt fat, ugly, worthless, and just hated my body. I so badly wanted to be likeable. I started experimenting with anorexia and bulimia. I would go all day and just eat some carrots. Then in the afternoon I would be so hungry I thought I was going to faint so I would eat a bunch. Then I felt terrible so I would go throw up. I also had heard about these websites that were pro-ana/pro-mia. They were support groups for people who were living the ED lifestyles. They did not help me out in anyway. Fortunately, God was watching out for me. I hated it with a passion. This phase only lasted a month or so.
Although I didn't stick with either of the EDs I was now suffering with major depression. God again was watching out for me. I knew that I was headed down a dangerous path. I told my parents that I was in danger and need help. They took me to see my doctor. Unfortunately, my Dad came in with me to talk to the doctor. I made how I was feeling sound much better then I really was for two reasons. One, I didn't want to let my parents down somehow. Second, my mom was now a big part of the problem and I didn't want to tell my doctor this in front of my Dad. I still get put on the anti-depressant Lexapro. It helped some but not enough. I was still very depressed, I thought about death a lot but stuck it out knowing that I would be going off to college in the fall.
Being college helped for the first few months but I had only changed the surroundings not the problem. I was very unhappy. I was crying all the time everyday. I mean the all out sobbing kind of crying. Life was hard and so was school. I found out I have dyslexia, and other reading and writing disorders. I also have ADHD.
I also watched lots of movies in college (still do). One movie I watched was the movie Thirteen. One of the things the main character did to deal with life was cut herself. I had heard of people doing that before. That fateful day I cut myself for the first time. It hurt, and didn’t help that much but I was so determined that it would help that I kept at it. My right leg and arm were a mess. Yet God was still watching me. One day I decided this was a good warning sign I again needed help. In tears, I skipped my math class and went to see a counselor. Luckily, there was someone to see me right then. Still in tears Dan walked me to his office. We sit down and he asked what was wrong. I didn’t know what to say so I just pulled up my sleeve and cried even harder.
By this time it was almost spring break. Through all of this, I had almost no relationship with God-I gave up that He could do anything to help me. Then I just stopped reading the Bible and praying except my prayer every night to please let me just die. It didn’t mater though-God didn’t give up on me. For Valentine’s Day my parents gave me a big heart shaped balloon that said I love you on it. Then a family I used to baby-sit for had me over for dinner. I some how ended up confessing to Lindsay how I was really feeling. A few days later she delivered a yellow balloon with a big smile on it.
I was holding on for spring break. I was going home to do two things for break-clean my room and plan my funeral. I new that suicide was a burden for people so being the nice girl I am I was making things ready so things would be easy for everyone. There was one major problem-I was too depressed to clean my room. I didn’t want to leave anything embarrassing behind so I couldn’t do anything without a clean room. I went back to school still very depressed. I made it through Monday but wasn’t doing very well. I made it through class on Tuesday. That evening I listened to my Evenesence CD while I laid in my bed and sobbed. That CD ended so I just put on the next thing alphabetically in my computer. That song happened to be one from a project I had to do in my DCM class; the song was Hold On by Good Charolet. The song encouraged the listener to not committee suicide. I looked up and there were the balloons floating in my room from my family and friends. I realized if I killed myself it would be so hurtful to others around me.
I decided that if I was going to make it I needed help. I called my friend. I sobbed out, I’m jealous of *Sarah (name changed) because she’s at forest view and I’m not. She immediately got her mom on the phone. I told her I wanted to die. She asked how she could help. I asked her to tell my parents because I was to ashamed. My parents came immediately to get me. We talked with insurance and Pine Rest and got everything in order. On Wednesday morning I signed my self into Pine Rest.
Things started looking up from there. I even truly heard I was beautiful for the first time since early high school that I was beautiful. Things kept getting better but it was only the first step. I still wasn’t in much of a relationship of any kind with God. I didn’t know where to start after so long with out.
Sophomore year went smoothly until February 7 when I learned something that rocked my world upside down. I learned that the day before one of the most important person in my life died at the young age of 34. Alan was practically a part of my family and the big brother I always wanted. I was sad and angry. I was livid at God. I begged and pleaded for him to give him back but I knew that would not happen. The funeral was not until over a month after his death. In addition he was cremated. I felt no sense of closer. I was grieving and mourning the rest of the school year. The good news is I did not totally give up on God but I was anything but close to Him.
This year started out well and it has only gotten better. The whole year God was preparing me for Becky Tirabassi to come, speak, and lead us in 24 hours of prayer. Although I am not as consistent as I want to be, yet I am trying to pray everyday for an hour. It is changing me in amazing ways. I am so much more joyful all the time. Even bad days seem better then good days without God. I am able to give more love to people more because I am more full of God’s love. Time with many of my friends is more meaningful because it is God centered. I truly believe I am beautiful. I know this because of Psalm 139. I am able to see things as God, not just something cool or a coincidence. I am so excited to see where God will lead me.
****Edit: I also learned I am likable and love able. I am desirable. It is ok to be single. I don't need a man to complet me or fix me. I love being single and it is so good for me. That was a big one to learn becasue of how often I was told I wouldn't be desirable by men, I used to think I never could be likeable, that was a lie. I can now also recieve comliments, I used to say thank you and then laugh at them, out loud or in my head. Now I say thank you and recieve it and treasure it humbly. God is teaching me to love my parents with the love that Jesus loved with. Actually He's teaching me to love everyone with that love. He is teaching me how the Holy Spirit works. He is showing me his working in everyday life in big and small things. The list of what I am learning from growing closer with the Lord in my prayer time and life is longer and awesome. Praise God for His good work.
To God be the glory!!
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