The Story That Has No Name Yet (Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 4)

[lady_hanaka]

(A/N: New characters appear in this chapter! I was going to post this later along with the next chapter of What Doesn't Kill You...but I don't think that chapter will be finished until tomorrow or Thursday so I'lkl leave this for your amusement. :)

Also, Onew's part will be completley inspired by this song...which you should all have the pleasure of enjoying. :D

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Title: The Story That Has No Name Yet (Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 4)
Pairings: girl!KanginxLeeteuk, MysteryxZhouMixgirl!rock, HeechulxHenry, HenryxMaple syrup, girl!SiwonxKyuhyun, mystery!YesungxRyeowook, EunhyukxSungmin, DonghaexHangeng, KibumxKibumxKibum, Minho x Nichkhun
Rating: R (but mostly because of the mentionings of things)
Warnings: mpreg, incest (tripletcest), mindless fuckery, genderswich, statutory rape, prostitution, crossdressing, this story will come in random installments and maybe have a plot
Genre: AU, crack, werewolf, vampire, highschool, satan\angel, crime, mafia, so much crack, Harry Potter crossover
Summary: Every single genre of fanfiction ever written thrown into one story…in which Kangin is a woman and Leeteuk is gay, Henry loves maple syrup a little too much to be normal, Kibum is a vampire, Minho is a horrible guardian angel, Kyuhyun fights for animal rights, Siwon is a werewolf, and Sungmin goes to Hogwarts. Oh, and Ryeowook is a fish. And somehow a plot was born.

Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 3 < ----- > Part/Chapter/Installment/Episode 5
---

Leeteuk smiled brightly, “Good morning class!”

The class stared.

Leeteuk cleared his throat, “Today, as you know, Professor Han is absent, so I’ve been asked to sub in for your homeroom!”

Silence.

Leeteuk coughed. “So then, let’s see, what were you guys working on yesterday?”

“Korean Literature.” Someone answered, and the others snickered.

Leeteuk’s mood would not be ruined by a smartass. He couldn’t let that happen, not when he was planning to go to eat lunch at McDonalds and see his beautiful cross-dressing Adonis later. He simply smiled and opened up Hangeng’s planner.

He paused, looking over it.

It was all in Chinese.

“So, how about we start the day off with some English, shall we?”

There was a collective groan from everyone as Leeteuk began rattling off rapid fire English.

Key was fine with his, as well as the eldest Kibum, but younger Kibum only knew a few words and so he simply stared in building confusion before he poked Kibum in the shoulder. “Bummie hyung,” He whispered, “I think that my brain is finally beginning to deteriorate with the rest of my body. What did he just say?”

Kibum sighed, “He asked what the weather was like outside.”

“Oh.”

Key looked sideways at his youngest hyung and frowned. Why did Kibum always have to pretend he was already dead? When was he going to get over this? Couldn’t the doctors find a cure? This wasn’t cancer or diabetes, so there HAD to be a way to fix it!

He didn’t know how much longer his very small amount of patience was going to last.

Kibum wasn’t as bothered by his young brother’s response as Key was, but that was because he was slightly distracted by his overwhelming desire to stick a straw in the kid in front of him and suck him dry. He raised his hand slowly.

Leeteuk looked up from where he’d been writing a few English vocabulary words on the board at the movement out of the corner of his eyes. He smiled, “Yes?”

“I’m not feeling so well.” Kibum murmured, “Can I go to the nurse?”

He DID look a little pale. Leeteuk nodded slowly, “Um, sure.”

Kibum stood, ignoring his younger brothers’ looks of confusion and concern, and headed out of the room. He headed down the hall in the opposite direction of the nurse’s office, toward the janitor’s closet.

Eunhyuk was going to die…again. Kibum would make sure of it.

---

Jonghyun sniffed the air, nostrils flaring as he caught the scent of his prey. He could always tell the tastier ones by their smell. This one smelled of fried food and a hint of cherry body spray.

He peered around the corner, his hawk-like vision immediately zeroing in on his target. She was female, the estrogen and other pheromones rolling off of her in deliciously cherry and big mac scented waves.

She was plump, large enough that she wouldn’t be able to run away quick enough to escape, but lean enough that he didn’t have to worry about the calorie intake or the transfat.

Not that he worried about that anyway.

He was a velociraptor, why the hell would he care about transfat?

He thanked his amazing camouflage that allowed him to blend in with the crowd of humans walking along the busy streets. No one noticed anything amiss.

He sniffed again, losing sight of his target in the mass of bodies. He picked out her smell quickly and turned a corner, continuing his hunt.

She would feed him for at least a week. That was good, people were beginning to notice the disappearances…he couldn’t let the humans get too suspicious.

He saw his prey head into a large building that smelled strongly of overweight humans and French fries. He hid himself behind a dumpster and waited. He would be patient. He was a mighty hunter, and nothing would get between him and his quarry.

It was only a matter of time.

---

Taemin ignored the giggling behind him. Girls. Geeze, they were as bad as those ajhummas down the street that always pinched his cheeks and gave him cookies-only without the benefit of cookies.

They were just trying to bully him like usual. For some reason everyone liked to make fun of him. It may have had something to do with the large, horn-rimmed glasses or the insanely frizzy rat-nest of hair he sported.

It could also have something to do with his oversized uniform stuffed with pillows to make the perfect fat suit.

Being an idol in hiding was so tiring. If only those girls knew that he was the same person they had pictures of in their lockers, the infamous singer/dancer GLItter. But no one could know, not if he wanted to graduate from highschool without any problems.

And he did. He wanted to graduate badly.

“Hey fag, did you do my homework?”

Taemin found his face forced down onto his desk and winced as his nose hit his textbook. He tried not to make a sound because he knew that it would only egg his bullies on. “…it’s in my bag.” He murmured against the textbook.

“You had better have done it correctly this time.” The main bully pushed down on the back of Taemin’s head, grinding his nose against the book. “I don’t want a half-assed job like last time.”

“If you got a 100, they’d know it wasn’t you that did it.” He regretted saying it a moment later, but was saved from further bullying by the entrance of the teacher.

“Class, I have your tests.” The teacher looked over the stack, “Kim Hong Gil, what is the meaning of this?”

Taemin’s main bully looked up from where he’d sat down in his seat. “What do you mean?”

“Your American geography test. Is this some kind of joke?” The professor held up the paper, a large bright red 0 at the top. “Tell me, where are the Great Plains located?”

Kim Hong Gil blinked, before answering, “The Great Airports.”

The entire class broke into giggles, but the teacher looked anything but amused. Kim Hong Gil turned to Taemin, and Taemin swallowed.

He was not looking forward to the end of class…at all.

---

“This is stupid.” Heechul announced after a few minutes of Kyuhyun picketing in front of the building. “I’m going home. It’s freezing.”

Kyuhyun latched onto his arm. “You can’t leave! How will I get home? And besides, you need to help the cause!”

“I don’t even know what your cause is.” Heechul muttered, “I knew I should have brought my mink coat…”

“MINK!?!?!” Kyuhyun turned to him in horror. “HYUNG!”

Heechul ignored that, fully intent on leaving. But he stopped when he noticed just WHAT Kyuhyun was wearing. “…Kyuhyun, please tell me that you put something on under that coat before we went out.”

Kyuhyun stared at him incredulously. “Hyung, this is my fur.”

Before Heechul could let out an exasperated groan, the front door opened and a woman walked out. Heechul stood there, mouth open, expression shocked.

Kyuhyun simply marched forward and stopped in front of the woman. “You…” His gaze was stony, before a bright smile took its place. “They let you free! They must have finally seen the light!”

Siwon raised one carefully plucked Si-brow and crossed her arms over her chest. “What?”

“They let you go! When I saw you on the film I knew immediately that you were one of my kind, that you had been captured and forced to perform depraved acts against your will and-” Kyuhyun leaned forward and sniffed. Then he let out an unearthy yowl and leapt backwards, launching himself onto Heechul.

He managed to climb up his back and settle around his neck like a large scarf, hissing.

“What the hell!?” Heechul was practically bent in half as he tried to balance the large man that had decided his back was a chair. “Kyuhyun! Get OFF!” He took a step forward and stumbled, his wrist throbbing as he tried to hold him off. “Off! Or I take away the catnip!”

Kyuhyun climbed down reluctantly but remained by his side, nails claws digging into Heechul’s arm. “She’s a dog, hyung…a dog.”

Siwon continued to stare. “Are you mental?”

“You’re wearing a bathrobe and there’s a cellphone in between your boobs.” Heechul drawled, “I don’t think you have much say in this.”

Siwon snorted, “Hey, look, what’s this all about, anyway?”

“My friend thinks you’re a dog that was forced into sexual slavery.” Heechul answered back, and Kyuhyun nodded fervently in agreement.

Siwon threw her head back and laughed, her robe slipping down to her shoulders, revealing the fact that she wasn’t wearing anything under her robe.

Kyuhyun glared, continuing to hiss.

Heechul looked between the two. “You’re both wearing less clothes than I am, doesn’t anyone see that something is WRONG here?”

---

“…so I said to him, you’re a guardian angel, don’t you think you should try harder to protect your ward? I mean, how is letting them fall into poverty teaching them a life lesson, right?”

Onew placed the coffee cup down on the counter and let out a soft sigh as he slid it toward the waiting customer. “Minho, don’t you think that maybe it isn’t always the best idea to go asking Nichkhun hyung-nim to change fate for you?”

Minho grabbed his hazelnut macchiato and took a sip. “Onew hyung, you’re one of Nichkhun’s demon followers, don’t you think you should be supporting this kind of behavior?”

“It’s never good to break the rules.” Onew continued seriously.

Minho rolled his eyes and began to tune out Onew’s lecture. Really, Onew was the worst demon ever, almost a worse demon than Nichkhun was Satan. Although Minho liked the thought of Nichkhun with horns and a tail…that would be kinky.

Rawr.

The bell at the entrance to Starbucks chimed, and Onew looked up, “Welcome-” His smile froze on his face as a soft giggle was heard.

Onew quickly looked to the clock.

8:11.

It was her again. Every morning at 8:11 she came in. After the first time he’d smiled and said, “How are you?” she’d decided to come by every morning…at 8:11…

She stood at the counter, giggling as she ordered her coffee. Onew continued to smile, hoping that this ended soon.

“So, I was wondering, does Nichkhun have any turn-ons I could use to seduce him?”

Onew almost dropped the coffee he was preparing, spilling steamed milk all over the counter. “Ah!”

Minho looked completely serious. “I mean it. I want in his pants and I intend to get there. It’ll be a tight fit, but I’m sure I can manage.”

Onew continued to fumble with the steamed milk as the girl who came in every morning at 8:11 continued to stare.

Minho’s cellphone rang before he could elaborate on what information he wanted from Onew. He flipped it open. “Yeah? Hm? Oh, ok. Sure. I’ll be back in a second.”

He turned back to Onew. “See ya later. I gotta go and talk with The Big G.” And he disappeared in a flurry of feathers. Onew stared at the spot where he’d just been, brushing a feather off of the counter. Why couldn’t Minho remember that he wasn’t supposed to feather-travel in front of HUMANS?

Then again, Onew didn’t think that the girl had focused on anything other than him. She continued to stare with a dazed expression, smiling.

Onew hoped that Nichkhun didn’t need him for anything for a while, because he was rather certain that she wasn’t going to be leaving soon.

---

Silence had reigned supreme after Donghae’s words. Hangeng had resisted the urge to faint again and had simply stared at Donghae’s face-his face was a safe place to look-as he tried to remember what exactly he’d done the night before.

He couldn’t have done anything to Donghae. He was his STUDENT. He couldn’t have done anything! He’d have to give up his teaching license! He’d have to turn himself in! He didn’t want to go to prison, especially if he became someone’s girlfriend while there. He was certain that someone there would be more powerful than him.

Someone like that terrifying girl that worked at McDonalds. It had been the first and last time he’d gone there. That woman was scary. He didn’t want to be someone’s bitch!

Back to the problem at hand, right. He’d slept with his student. His student was naked and wearing his shirt.

He began rambling in Chinese, raking a hand through his hair. “Oh my god, oh my god, this is horrible. What do I do, what do I do?” He turned back to Donghae, “I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have done it!”

Donghae didn’t understand Chinese, but he could get that Hangeng seemed upset. He didn’t know why. All that had happened last night was Hangeng had fainted and then Donghae had spent the rest of the time curled up against him, petting his hair. He’d tried to clean up the orange juice but then he’d gotten it on his boxers so he’d decided to put on Hangeng’s shirt to keep himself warm.

He’d wanted to do more, so much more, but he felt kind of awkward doing that while Hangeng was sleeping. That would have practically been rape, right?

Hangeng reached out and grabbed Donghae’s shoulders. “Donghae-ssi.” He said solemnly, “I’m sorry. Please accept my apologies.”

Donghae didn’t know what Hangeng was saying, but from the way Hangeng was desperately clutching at him, he knew what he wanted.

He grabbed Hangeng’s face with his hands, and pulled him into a kiss.

Hangeng fainted again.

---

The tank looked especially blue today, in Ryeowook’s opinion. It may have had something to do with the LED light under the bubble-producing treasure chest in the far left corner, but Ryeowook didn’t know. He probably wouldn’t even remember he’d been wondering about the blue-ness of his tank within the next few minutes.

A fish’s memory wasn’t very long, after all.

But there was one thing Ryeowook did remember, and that was his master Donghae. He would always remember him because he rather loved his master. His master was such a kind man. He had given Ryeowook this large, wall-length fish-tank just for himself!

It had five different kinds of live-plants, a castle complete with a working drawbridge, three different filters with varying levels of cleaning power and bubble production, and those lovely LED lights Ryeowook was so fond of.

Of course, a wall-length fishtank was expensive to maintain. The power bill was probably enormous. Ryeowook felt slightly guilty that his master now resorted to prostitution to pay for the tank.

It was even worse because Ryeowook was a common goldfish that would have been perfectly content in a ½ gallon glass bowl.

He wished he could give his master a hug, but in order to do that he would have be able to breathe out of water, as well as gain the ability to curl his fins and grip. He could do none of these things so Ryeowook sighed, swimming sadly around his 10 foot wide five foot deep tank, wondering if one day he’d ever be able to repay his master for his kindness.

---

Minho arrived in Heaven three minutes before he was supposed to meet in God’s office. The elevator ride up to the top floor took longer than expected because some new angel was nervous with his post and puked in the middle of the crowded car.

Minho had resisted the urge to kick the man, but he was already doubled over and some other angel was patting him on the back and whispering encouraging words. Minho rolled his eyes, pressed himself up against the furthest corner of the elevator away from the puke, using another angel as a shield (he was fat and smelled like he’d dumped an entire bottle of cologne on himself, but it masked the scent of throw-up) and waited for the elevator to finally reach the top floor.

He did not let any of the other angels get off at their floors, even though half of them were before his. He was obviously the most important. He had a meeting with The Big G and everyone else was just off to do stupid things like guard their mortals or get some coffee or clean up the puke on the elevator floor.

He stepped out, brushing imaginary lint off of one of his feathers, walking down the long hallway toward the large golden door with its embossed, diamond-studded G. He pressed his finger to the intercom and a gruff, husky voice crackled across the speakers, “Yeah?”

“Minho-ssi here to see Big G.” Minho answered back.

“…Big G will see you. One moment.”

The door opened and a blinding golden light filled the hallway. Luckily Minho had grabbed the sunglasses from the box just below the intercom system or else he was certain he would have been blinded. The immaculate chorus of angels began singing before the song changed to an addictive beat and Heartbreaker started playing as Minho walked inside.

The light had faded somewhat and he nodded his head at God who sat at his desk, large ridiculously pink sunglasses perched atop his nose, looking every inch the ganster fashionista he believed he was.

Beside his desk was a tall angel in a suit, looking over a clipboard. Minho knew that this was The Big G’s TOP Angel. One day, Minho would be the TOP Angel.

Or God. That would be even better.

Neither seemed to take notice of him at the moment, so Minho turned to the three chairs sitting in front of God’s desk. One of these chairs was already occupied so Minho sat down in the empty seat furthest from this person.

He already knew who this person was. He was the middle Kibum’s guardian angel, Kevin. Kevin was currently giggling softly to himself as he stared down at his iPhone.

The angel secretary cleared his throat and Kevin and Minho both looked to him. “We’ll wait a few more minutes for the eldest Kim Kibum’s guardian angel to arrive.”

The other two nodded, Kevin going back to his iPhone. Minho merely leaned back in his chair and gave a small smirk. The eldest Kibum’s angel wouldn’t be coming.

He’d made sure of that.

When one tried to cross the path of Choi Minho in his duties as a guardian angel, you didn’t last. Kevin was always too distracted stalking Kiseop’s mortal Eli to even pay attention to his own mortal, so Minho didn’t have to worry about him.

Ten minutes later, God finally decided enough was enough, “Where is he?”

The TOP Angel pulled out his iPad and pressed a few buttons. “I’ve just received a message from Daesung in missing persons. It seems like he had a run-in with a demon and will be out of commission for…quite a few centuries.”

“Damned demons.” God huffed, “Satan’s been building up his forces, I see.” Minho smiled smugly from where he sat.

“Sir, you made Nichkhun Satan…and he’s the worst Satan ever.”

“Nevermind all that.” God waved the TOP Angel off and pulled out a large stack of index cards. “Let’s see, let’s see…who isn’t currently on duty? Ah, here.” He pulled out the file and handed it to the TOP Angel. “Bring him in.”

God then turned to both Minho and Kevin. “You two…are possibly the worst angels I’ve ever seen.”

Kevin pouted.

Minho stiffened, “What do you mean? I’m a perfect guardian angel. Nothing bad has happened to Key at all.”

“Exactly. Nothing.” God looked down at the file in front of him. “And the last I checked because of your meddling the eldest Kibum is now a vampire and the middle Kibum has Walking Dead Syndrome.”

Minho shrugged, “Yeah.”

God raised an eyebrow, before turning to Kevin. “And you, what are you-are you texting while I’m lecturing you?”

Kevin looked up guiltily from his iPhone. “What? Uh, no Big G…I wasn’t texting.”

God sent him a level stare through his enormous sunglasses.

Kevin shifted uncomfortably. “Well you see um, I just got this new App that lets me track other angels’ mortals and I was following Eli and-”

“You’re both fired.”

---