50 things I am forbidden to do in ancient Greece...
Battle on Xena...
50 Things I am Not Allowed to Do in Ancient Greece.
1. I will not make jokes about Ares’ “sword of power.”
2. I will not use big words just to taunt Hercules.
3. I will not talk about love, families, fire, or food in front of Callisto.
4. I will not refer to Xena’s outfit as a “leather tutu.”
5. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Iolaus.
6. I will not taunt the Gauls.
7. I will not fling dildos at Amazon villages.
8. I will not fling dildos at Hestian virgins.
9. I will not attempt to teach the Roman soldiers how to sit in a skirt.
10. Any resemblance between Eli and Jesus is entirely coincidental.
11. Any resemblance between Hercules and Fabio is entirely coincidental.
12. I will not mention the laws of physics.
13. Ambrosia is not “jello of the gods.”
14. I will not tell blonde jokes to Callisto.
15. I will not poke the villagers with spoons.
16. I will not refer to Augustus as “Emperor Fabulous.”
17. I will not command the Briton villagers to “build me a henge.”
18. Spontaneous temple orgies are not always a good idea.
19. Polishing my sword in the Forum is acceptable. “Polishing my sword” is not.
20. I will not ask Gabrielle to prove she is a redhead.
21. I will not send Dahak the Evil Overlord List.
22. I will not give a magic eight ball to the Oracle at Delphi.
23. Crucifixes are not religious symbols.
24. Giving ham to the Green Egg Men* is not funny.
25. I will not insist that the Macarena is a sacred Amazon ritual.
26. Caesar does in fact have a scroll in his toga. He is not happy to see me.
27. I will not fist fish without their express consent.
28. I will not offer Autolycus the family jewels, literal or otherwise.
29. I will not teach the villagers Joxer’s theme song.
30. I will not tell Salmoneus about Ebay.
31. I will not make preposterous comparisons about myself to certain parts of centaur anatomy.
32. I will not flirt with death, no matter how attractive I find Hades.
33. I may perform any and all rituals for Aphrodite skyclad. This does not hold true for rituals for Hera.
34. “Pwned” is not a word in Ancient Greek, no matter what village I’ve just destroyed.
35. Taking the last jelly donut is not a valid reason to put The Pinch on someone.
36. I will not put The Pinch on people just to ask them: “Cake or death?”
37. I will not play Frisbee with the chakram.
38. Saying “bite me” to a Bacchae is stupid, not amusingly ironic.
39. I will not refer to the Fates as “the Three Stooges.”
40. I will not offer myself to Ares as a virgin sacrifice.
41. I will not offer myself to Ares as a quite experienced sacrifice.
42. I will not make henbane brownies.
43. I will not use Xena’s warcry to announce my orgasm.
44. When Eve tells me that if I hit her she will “turn the other cheek,” she is referring to the one on her face.
45. I will not ask the Furies for a lap dance.
46. When mounting Argo, I will not cry: “To the Batmobile!”
47. I will not use Gabrielle’s staff for sexual purposes.
48. Ancient Greece and the Shire are two very different places. Really.
49. I will not attempt to solve my problems with parallel mermaid universes.
50. I will not comment on Alti’s smoking and drinking habits, no matter what her voice sounds like.
50 Things I am Not Allowed to Do in Ancient Greece.
1. I will not make jokes about Ares’ “sword of power.”
2. I will not use big words just to taunt Hercules.
3. I will not talk about love, families, fire, or food in front of Callisto.
4. I will not refer to Xena’s outfit as a “leather tutu.”
5. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Iolaus.
6. I will not taunt the Gauls.
7. I will not fling dildos at Amazon villages.
8. I will not fling dildos at Hestian virgins.
9. I will not attempt to teach the Roman soldiers how to sit in a skirt.
10. Any resemblance between Eli and Jesus is entirely coincidental.
11. Any resemblance between Hercules and Fabio is entirely coincidental.
12. I will not mention the laws of physics.
13. Ambrosia is not “jello of the gods.”
14. I will not tell blonde jokes to Callisto.
15. I will not poke the villagers with spoons.
16. I will not refer to Augustus as “Emperor Fabulous.”
17. I will not command the Briton villagers to “build me a henge.”
18. Spontaneous temple orgies are not always a good idea.
19. Polishing my sword in the Forum is acceptable. “Polishing my sword” is not.
20. I will not ask Gabrielle to prove she is a redhead.
21. I will not send Dahak the Evil Overlord List.
22. I will not give a magic eight ball to the Oracle at Delphi.
23. Crucifixes are not religious symbols.
24. Giving ham to the Green Egg Men* is not funny.
25. I will not insist that the Macarena is a sacred Amazon ritual.
26. Caesar does in fact have a scroll in his toga. He is not happy to see me.
27. I will not fist fish without their express consent.
28. I will not offer Autolycus the family jewels, literal or otherwise.
29. I will not teach the villagers Joxer’s theme song.
30. I will not tell Salmoneus about Ebay.
31. I will not make preposterous comparisons about myself to certain parts of centaur anatomy.
32. I will not flirt with death, no matter how attractive I find Hades.
33. I may perform any and all rituals for Aphrodite skyclad. This does not hold true for rituals for Hera.
34. “Pwned” is not a word in Ancient Greek, no matter what village I’ve just destroyed.
35. Taking the last jelly donut is not a valid reason to put The Pinch on someone.
36. I will not put The Pinch on people just to ask them: “Cake or death?”
37. I will not play Frisbee with the chakram.
38. Saying “bite me” to a Bacchae is stupid, not amusingly ironic.
39. I will not refer to the Fates as “the Three Stooges.”
40. I will not offer myself to Ares as a virgin sacrifice.
41. I will not offer myself to Ares as a quite experienced sacrifice.
42. I will not make henbane brownies.
43. I will not use Xena’s warcry to announce my orgasm.
44. When Eve tells me that if I hit her she will “turn the other cheek,” she is referring to the one on her face.
45. I will not ask the Furies for a lap dance.
46. When mounting Argo, I will not cry: “To the Batmobile!”
47. I will not use Gabrielle’s staff for sexual purposes.
48. Ancient Greece and the Shire are two very different places. Really.
49. I will not attempt to solve my problems with parallel mermaid universes.
50. I will not comment on Alti’s smoking and drinking habits, no matter what her voice sounds like.