complexity
wow. ok so i've got so many things in my head right now.
i dont even know where to start.
my heart... is wishing for something that might never be. but that seems so close to possible its impossible to ignore. i cant describe it. i just know it is. i wish it wasn't. it would be easier that way. but its not. its hard. and maybe thats just the way it's supposed to be. i used to think that maybe the only reason i felt the way i do was that i had no one else. and so i focused on him. but now... i have someone that is interested in me. and still he is all i think about. every day. several times a day. i wonder what he's doing. i wonder what mood he is in. and i wish that he would call me. i tell myself that if i mattered to him he would call me. and just when i'm about to give up. he does something so incredibly sweet. and i cant. does he love me? or does he just consider me a friend. at times i am almost sure that he cares for me as more. and at times i am possitive that that is just wishful thinking. he called me the other day. right before he went on stage for a show. he called me. just to let me know he was thinking about me. he loves me. he's said it several times. but i dont know what he means. he could mean a million different things with that phrase. i love you sister, i love you friend, i love you girl, i love you. in so many different ways. and its so fragile. so tender. this relationship we have developed. i dont know anything except that if he was taken from my life... i would not know what to do. he has become my confidant. my friend. my advice-giver. my soul-lifter. my constant frustration. i cant figure him out. part of me just wants to come out and ask him. "what do i mean to you? please just tell me. i can handle it. if all i am to you is a close friend, just let me know. at least then i wont be wondering anymore. at least then i'll know and i can try to get over it. and if i am more than that, then please please tell me. i dont know what is holding you back. unless its the fact that we didn't meet under normal circumstances and you are afraid i would freak out. i wont. i cant tell you how happy i would be." and as many times as i have told myself that it's rediculous to think thats why he hasn't said anything, that it's just wishful thinking, that if he really did care for me as more than a friend he would say it... i cant shake the notion that its entirely possible that that is exactly why he hasn't said anything. i just pray that when we meet in 9 days... SOMETHING will make sense. i cant stop thinking about him. and its not that i dont think of anything else. i think of lots and lots of other things. its just that he is always there in the back of my mind. is it really really possible that i am in love with him? maybe i am just... i dont even know what i was going to say and it doesn't matter. i just wish that i knew if i could trust my heart. i believe that God put him in my life for a reason. and maybe that is why its so hard for me. everytime i tell God that i'm not going to worry about it anymore. everytime that i just decide to see what happens. something happens. so what does that tell me? like that phone call i got before his concert... i took me a couple of days to realise that it was seriously like 2 minutes before his show was starting. and he was calling me. why? i didn't even answer because i was in the shower. but he left a message just saying that he was getting ready to do a show and that he was thinking of me. so was i the last person he was thinking of before he started? why did he call? i was just thinking like a week before hand that i wish i had the right to call him right before a show and tell him that even though i'm not there i'm rooting for him and i know he is going to be awesome. but that seems like something a girlfriend would do. i mean i dont know i've never been a girlfriend. and i've certainly never dated a musician... but thats the way it seems to me. and it seems like if you were going to call anybody besides your best friend and family right before you went onstage... it would be someone that meant a lot to you. that seems like something you would do with your girlfriend. but i'm not that to him. so maybe i am wrong. i dont know. i mean correct me if i'm completely wrong in that idea. and oh how i wish that i was that person to him. it just seems so right somehow. i want to call him everyday but i dont. because that would just be... way too clingy... especially with someone that you aren't technically involved with. but it doesn't change the fact that i wish he was the last person i talked to every night before i went to sleep. and part of me cant help but wonder if he thinks the same. does he ever just pick up the phone and start to dial my number and then stop? thinking that it just might come across as too much? i dont know. i guess it doens't do any good to keep asking myself these questions.
i cant believe i'm going to see him in 9 days. as that day gets closer my emotions get more and more mixed up. i'm afraid that i will see him and my heart will be right there in my eyes and he will know. but more than that i'm afraid that he will know... and not return it. i dont know if i can hide what i feel when i see someone so important to me for the first time. and i'm afraid that he will see me and all i'll see in his eyes will be recognition, and a slight smile and nothing more. of course i know i mean more to him than that. and he has already told me... long before we ever had the opportunity to see each other... that whenever he did see me he would just walk right up to me and give me the biggest hug. that he wouldn't hesitate. he told my best friend the same thing about me... and he told her that i mean a lot to him. he told me that he could sit with me for hours and never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best experience. so do i mean more to him than just another friend? i think so. but i'm not sure. how i wish i knew. at any rate. that is what is on my mind. if you read this... i hope you never have to go through it. its not as bad as being completely heartbroken... but its not fun.
and yes. i am still completely and totally in love with Jesus. He has the lock and the key... all i have are the emotions inside. i dont know how i can love two seperate beings. one eternal and with a love that is so pure and unchanging and true. and one mortal and with a love that is so fragile, and frightened. but i suppose that it makes it easier to love without fear when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that love is returned... as with Christ.
and now that i'm done pouring out my heart and soul. i'm going to post a little bit of something i started to write the other day. its a work in progress. but please give an opinion. i know that when its finished i'm going to be so very proud of it.
i dont have wisdom
or a sugar-coated fear reliever
to numb the truth
we encounter when we travel deeper
into this world of medicinal remedy
for a wound that was caused by our own wish for levity
teach me to understand Jesus
i dont have answers
or a silver-plated feather quill
to write the questions
of a world that's popping every pill
in search of something better than the emptiness it finds
in a crumpled peice of parchment with no truth behind the lines
teach me to know Your plan Jesus
i dont have reasons
or a gem-encrusted skelton key
to unlock meaning
in the pain we cannot help but see
on faces we turn from as we hasten down the street
without thinking for a moment of the shoe's upon our feet
teach me to lend a hand Jesus
like i said its a work in progress. i'm sleepy now and my house is making funny sounds so i guess i'll get off.
i dont even know where to start.
my heart... is wishing for something that might never be. but that seems so close to possible its impossible to ignore. i cant describe it. i just know it is. i wish it wasn't. it would be easier that way. but its not. its hard. and maybe thats just the way it's supposed to be. i used to think that maybe the only reason i felt the way i do was that i had no one else. and so i focused on him. but now... i have someone that is interested in me. and still he is all i think about. every day. several times a day. i wonder what he's doing. i wonder what mood he is in. and i wish that he would call me. i tell myself that if i mattered to him he would call me. and just when i'm about to give up. he does something so incredibly sweet. and i cant. does he love me? or does he just consider me a friend. at times i am almost sure that he cares for me as more. and at times i am possitive that that is just wishful thinking. he called me the other day. right before he went on stage for a show. he called me. just to let me know he was thinking about me. he loves me. he's said it several times. but i dont know what he means. he could mean a million different things with that phrase. i love you sister, i love you friend, i love you girl, i love you. in so many different ways. and its so fragile. so tender. this relationship we have developed. i dont know anything except that if he was taken from my life... i would not know what to do. he has become my confidant. my friend. my advice-giver. my soul-lifter. my constant frustration. i cant figure him out. part of me just wants to come out and ask him. "what do i mean to you? please just tell me. i can handle it. if all i am to you is a close friend, just let me know. at least then i wont be wondering anymore. at least then i'll know and i can try to get over it. and if i am more than that, then please please tell me. i dont know what is holding you back. unless its the fact that we didn't meet under normal circumstances and you are afraid i would freak out. i wont. i cant tell you how happy i would be." and as many times as i have told myself that it's rediculous to think thats why he hasn't said anything, that it's just wishful thinking, that if he really did care for me as more than a friend he would say it... i cant shake the notion that its entirely possible that that is exactly why he hasn't said anything. i just pray that when we meet in 9 days... SOMETHING will make sense. i cant stop thinking about him. and its not that i dont think of anything else. i think of lots and lots of other things. its just that he is always there in the back of my mind. is it really really possible that i am in love with him? maybe i am just... i dont even know what i was going to say and it doesn't matter. i just wish that i knew if i could trust my heart. i believe that God put him in my life for a reason. and maybe that is why its so hard for me. everytime i tell God that i'm not going to worry about it anymore. everytime that i just decide to see what happens. something happens. so what does that tell me? like that phone call i got before his concert... i took me a couple of days to realise that it was seriously like 2 minutes before his show was starting. and he was calling me. why? i didn't even answer because i was in the shower. but he left a message just saying that he was getting ready to do a show and that he was thinking of me. so was i the last person he was thinking of before he started? why did he call? i was just thinking like a week before hand that i wish i had the right to call him right before a show and tell him that even though i'm not there i'm rooting for him and i know he is going to be awesome. but that seems like something a girlfriend would do. i mean i dont know i've never been a girlfriend. and i've certainly never dated a musician... but thats the way it seems to me. and it seems like if you were going to call anybody besides your best friend and family right before you went onstage... it would be someone that meant a lot to you. that seems like something you would do with your girlfriend. but i'm not that to him. so maybe i am wrong. i dont know. i mean correct me if i'm completely wrong in that idea. and oh how i wish that i was that person to him. it just seems so right somehow. i want to call him everyday but i dont. because that would just be... way too clingy... especially with someone that you aren't technically involved with. but it doesn't change the fact that i wish he was the last person i talked to every night before i went to sleep. and part of me cant help but wonder if he thinks the same. does he ever just pick up the phone and start to dial my number and then stop? thinking that it just might come across as too much? i dont know. i guess it doens't do any good to keep asking myself these questions.
i cant believe i'm going to see him in 9 days. as that day gets closer my emotions get more and more mixed up. i'm afraid that i will see him and my heart will be right there in my eyes and he will know. but more than that i'm afraid that he will know... and not return it. i dont know if i can hide what i feel when i see someone so important to me for the first time. and i'm afraid that he will see me and all i'll see in his eyes will be recognition, and a slight smile and nothing more. of course i know i mean more to him than that. and he has already told me... long before we ever had the opportunity to see each other... that whenever he did see me he would just walk right up to me and give me the biggest hug. that he wouldn't hesitate. he told my best friend the same thing about me... and he told her that i mean a lot to him. he told me that he could sit with me for hours and never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best experience. so do i mean more to him than just another friend? i think so. but i'm not sure. how i wish i knew. at any rate. that is what is on my mind. if you read this... i hope you never have to go through it. its not as bad as being completely heartbroken... but its not fun.
and yes. i am still completely and totally in love with Jesus. He has the lock and the key... all i have are the emotions inside. i dont know how i can love two seperate beings. one eternal and with a love that is so pure and unchanging and true. and one mortal and with a love that is so fragile, and frightened. but i suppose that it makes it easier to love without fear when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that love is returned... as with Christ.
and now that i'm done pouring out my heart and soul. i'm going to post a little bit of something i started to write the other day. its a work in progress. but please give an opinion. i know that when its finished i'm going to be so very proud of it.
i dont have wisdom
or a sugar-coated fear reliever
to numb the truth
we encounter when we travel deeper
into this world of medicinal remedy
for a wound that was caused by our own wish for levity
teach me to understand Jesus
i dont have answers
or a silver-plated feather quill
to write the questions
of a world that's popping every pill
in search of something better than the emptiness it finds
in a crumpled peice of parchment with no truth behind the lines
teach me to know Your plan Jesus
i dont have reasons
or a gem-encrusted skelton key
to unlock meaning
in the pain we cannot help but see
on faces we turn from as we hasten down the street
without thinking for a moment of the shoe's upon our feet
teach me to lend a hand Jesus
like i said its a work in progress. i'm sleepy now and my house is making funny sounds so i guess i'll get off.