Fic: When Love Is Too Much.
Title: When Love Is Too Much. - A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best.
Rating: NC-17 for mature themes.
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best. What if you love someone so much you think he deserves so much better? What if you make a wrong decision? What if it's too late? Angst/Hurt-Comfort/Romance/Love.
Disclaimer: We don't own Chris or Darren. Sadly.
Warnings: You’re gonna need tissues. And B&J. And tea. It handles the subject of infidelity, but we like to think we handled it gentle and it only happens once!
Also this story is a collaboration! It's written by me: Jana (Chris in this story) and Sjell (Darren in this story).
Chapter 1 ‘Broken expectations’
Chapter 2 'Explanations'
Chapter 3 'Revelations'
“Feeling a bit better now?” Darren asked, his voice filled with concern.
“I-Yeah. What about you? Are you okay?” Chris asked Darren, eyes filled with warmth and concern.
“Yeah. I guess,” Darren shrugged.
Chris immediately felt guilt bubbling up inside him again and felt dirty all over.
“Can I get you something?” he asked with a frown. “Anything to eat? A drink?”
Shaking his head, Darren replied. “No. I’m good. Come here,” he said and patted the couch next to him, desperate to have him close, at least in some way.
Chris sat down next to him, still a little distant, and sighed.
Gently pushing his guitar away he looked at Chris again.
“You’re gonna sit here and try to relax a little. I’ll make us a pot of tea and we’re gonna talk about this, okay?”
“Don’t. I’ll take care of it, okay? I’m fine.. Just.. You shouldn’t be doing things for me right now,” he mumbled and gave Darren an apologetic smile before getting up to go to the kitchen, setting up some hot water.
Darren sighed but decided to let it go for now, even though he didn’t like it. They were equals. Always had been and always will be. Chris needed to remember that. He made a mistake yes. But that didn’t mean he was any less than Darren. Not at all.
After a few minutes Chris walked back with a pot of tea and two mugs, setting them down before he settled down next to him again.
“Thanks,” Darren said softly and grabbed the teapot to pour them both some tea. “You want some sugar?”
“Yes, please.”
Almost as if they were strangers from each other and Chris was a visitor in his house, Darren grabed the sugarbowl and put one sugarcube into Chris’ tea before he settled back against the couch again, looking at Chris.
“I need you to know one thing before we do anything else.”
“Okay,” Chris said with a small nod, looking back at him.
“We’re equals,” Darren stated.
“I know that.”
“You just don’t agree with it. I can tell by the way you just handled this whole tea thing,” Darren replied and looked at him with serious eyes.
Shaking his head, Chris answered. “No. That was one time now. I just- I feel like I owe you and I don’t know how to pay back just yet so I figured doing little things helps…,” Chris said and looked at Darren helplessly. “I know that we’re equals. We always treated each other that way… I know that.”
“Alright,” Darren nodded. “I don’t want you to feel like you should pay me back or anything, but I think it’ll help you to feel better. Am I right?”
“It will. And don’t worry, please. It’s not that I don’t think we’re equals or I’m weighing out the stuff we do for each other… I just want to this for you and for us,” Chris said sincerely.
Those words made Darren smile and he tilted his head a little.
“Okay. I believe you.” Leaning forward he grabbed his cup of tea, pulling it between his hands, letting the warmth spread through his hands, the familiar feeling of comfort accompanying it.
“Good,” Chris said and smiled softly, his eyes still not really looking into Darren’s, but at least he could face him now. He reached out for his cup as well, grinning at the way Darren held onto it. He knew how much he liked the warmth in his hands.
Slowly the scent of tea reached his nose, making Darren smile.
“You made mint tea, my favorite!”
Chris nodded softly, still smiling at Darren.
“I did…yes,” the younger man chuckled lightly, slowly relaxing into the couch behind him.
”You’re the best,” Darren said, almost automatically, wincing afterwards when he knew this was too much too soon.
Chris frowned. Too well aware of the fact that he was in no way the best. Not today, not ever. He looked away, shame creeping up again, constricting his chest and he took in a deep, shaky breath.
”I’m sorry,” Darren muttered, shaking his head, once again fully aware of how long this was going to take.
“It’s okay. Don’t apologize. I just - don’t know how to handle all of this yet…fuck…” Chris muttered, running his hand through his hair before he took a sip from his tea, letting the scent fill his nose, calming him at least a little.
Darren nodded, feeling frustrated by himself.
“Still.. I could have thought about it one second longer..” Running his own hand through his hair he sipped his tea quietly, still not really able to get the image of someone else on and in Chris out of his mind.
”Darren…” Chris whispered calmly. “Stop feeling bad about it. It’s okay. Not your fault, it’s…just how we used to be.” He frowned at his own words.
”And how we will be again..” he said, hoping he sounded confident and assuring.
Chris nodded slowly. “How we’ll be again…” he repeated and looked at Darren with sad eyes, wishing so desperately that he could just kiss him and tell him over and over again how sorry he was.
Darren looked away from Chris’ sad eyes, needing to distance himself from him if he wanted to talk about this.
“We need to talk about it,” he said again, sounding a bit high pitched.
Chris nodded again, not trusting himself to speak yet.
“H-How though…?” he whispered, feeling so helpless that he just wanted to disappear when he took another sip from his cup.
”Who was the guy?” Darren asked, sounding cold and distant, but not able to make it sound any different, his fingers clenching around his cup.
Chris shuddered at the sudden coldness and firmness in Darren’s voice.
“A random guy…I - I didn’t really know him,” he said, his voice high and shaky.
”What’s his name?” Darren asked, feeling the comforting warmth changing into scolding heat, but not able to let his cup go.
“I - I don’t remember…I didn’t - I didn’t talk to him a lot…I wanted to keep it as impersonal as I could,” Chris confessed.
Darren groaned, shaking his head, not really knowing if this made it worse or better.
“What did you say to him?” He asked.
”D-Darren…do we have t-to do this…?” Chris winced at the thought of having to recall it all, his head pounding already.
”We do. I need to know,” Darren replied, voice sounding strained and thin, body rigid, the tea not helping anymore.
“But why? Why does it matter? It hurts so much already,” Chris said and he could tell Darren was getting upset again. He curled up into himself a little.
”Because I need to know! Why did it happen? What did you do? What did he think? I-I need to know. I know it was meaningless, but I need to know,” he said, hearing how angry and upset his own voice sounded, but not really caring. He had every right to be upset and he had every right to know.
”I told you why it happened…I - I asked him to do it anonymously. Discreet. That it wouldn’t mean anything but sex.” Chris’s voice was thin and high pitched. He shuddered at how angry Darren sounded but he understood. There was no reason for him to hold back his emotions.
”And he just said yes? He was actually fine with a night of meaningless nameless faceless sex?!”
”Y-Yeah…I wouldn’t have done it if that hadn’t been the case…like I said - I wanted it to be as impersonal as it could be…”
“How long did you plan this,” Darren asked now, not caring that he sounded a bit mechanic and inspector-ish. He needed to knew everything so he could get it out of his system, never being stuck with the questions like ‘why’ and ‘what if’ .
Chris froze.
“It took me over a week to actually even think about doing it properly…I - it’s not something I just did out of the blue…” Chris whispered, frozen by the questions and he felt like Darren was growing colder each minute that passed.
“So I was gone for two weeks and after one week you decided I could have better. You decided that cheating, the thing you know hurts the most, was the thing you should be doing to fix this all,” Darren stated, not looking at Chris but just stating the facts he gathered now.
Chris felt like crying all over again, shaking his head, burying it in his hands after he had set down the cup.
“I - I a-already…” he was crying again by then, harsh sobs rocking through his body. “I - t-told you why I did it…and I s-sw-swear I feel so dirty…it’s not even funny. I just - feel like taking a bath all over again I - just - it’s…I’m the dumbest person to exist. I’m so fucking stupid…” he whispered more to himself than to Darren.
“Chris, don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” Darren said and pinched his forehead between his fingers, feeling a terrible headache coming up. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m trying to figure this out. I need to do this. I don’t want this to happen again. I can’t have it happen again,” he said sounding pained and hurt.
“I know you don’t but I also know how much this hurts you. I should know best how betrayed you feel now. But - I-I just need you to trust me again. That’s not who I am. I’m not a cheater. I don’t need anyone else, I just need you so much and I screw it all up. Everything good in my life.” Chris said and took in a deep breath, his whole chest hurting.
“I want to trust you again. I know you’re not a cheater but somehow you thought that cheating was the best thing to do..Do you still remember what the last thing was you heard of me before you decided…this?”
Chris nodded, defeated, emptiness washing over him when he took in another shaky breath.
“What was it?” Darren asked and put one hand on Chris’ knee needing him to know he still loved him. He still wanted him. He didn’t screw it up yet.
“I-I can’t say that again…it just - god…” Chris choked out, Darren’s last words echoing in his head. ‘I love you more than anything and I can’t wait to come home and hold you again. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss you.’ Chris felt sick and shuddered, shaking his head, allowing Darren to hold his knee. He needed the slight comfort at this point.
“What did it make you feel?” Darren asked, sounding a bit warmer and concerned again.
“Loved. I f-felt so loved…and sa-safe…” Chris nearly whimpered and took his cup from the table again, his fingers shaking as he took a sip of the warm liquid.
Darren slowly squeezed his hands on his knee.
“That’s because you are loved.. I want you to be safe. Preferably with me,” he said, smiling softly. “I-I need you Chris. I did miss you. I.. I bought that ring after that text..” Darren looked away and swallowed away a lump, blinking to stop the tears from falling.
Chris felt his body give out again and he just couldn’t hold in his sobs anymore. He normally never cried but this hurt way too much and he felt so guilty, like he could never make it up to the man he loved. He’d done something that he knew first hand - hurt so bad that it was nearly impossible to be fixed.
“I - god…I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry…I - I hate myself so much…it’s - now I know that I don’t deserve you…I don’t.” He choked out along with another heavy sob.
Darren couldn’t hold himself back any longer and even though he knew that Chris needed him. Needed his comfort, he knew he couldn’t give it to him right now. Things were still unsaid and he didn’t want to comfort Chris. Hold him like that before everything was out in the open. He stood up and poured Chris another cup of tea before walking outside, needing fresh air. Needing to be away from the tight air of guilt and humiliation. He knew why Chris did it. But it hurt. It hurt so fucking much. The moment Darren decided he loved Chris so much he wanted him to ask him to marry him, Chris had decided he had to find a guy to cheat on him with.
Rating: NC-17 for mature themes.
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best. What if you love someone so much you think he deserves so much better? What if you make a wrong decision? What if it's too late? Angst/Hurt-Comfort/Romance/Love.
Disclaimer: We don't own Chris or Darren. Sadly.
Warnings: You’re gonna need tissues. And B&J. And tea. It handles the subject of infidelity, but we like to think we handled it gentle and it only happens once!
Also this story is a collaboration! It's written by me: Jana (Chris in this story) and Sjell (Darren in this story).
Chapter 1 ‘Broken expectations’
Chapter 2 'Explanations'
Chapter 3 'Revelations'
“Feeling a bit better now?” Darren asked, his voice filled with concern.
“I-Yeah. What about you? Are you okay?” Chris asked Darren, eyes filled with warmth and concern.
“Yeah. I guess,” Darren shrugged.
Chris immediately felt guilt bubbling up inside him again and felt dirty all over.
“Can I get you something?” he asked with a frown. “Anything to eat? A drink?”
Shaking his head, Darren replied. “No. I’m good. Come here,” he said and patted the couch next to him, desperate to have him close, at least in some way.
Chris sat down next to him, still a little distant, and sighed.
Gently pushing his guitar away he looked at Chris again.
“You’re gonna sit here and try to relax a little. I’ll make us a pot of tea and we’re gonna talk about this, okay?”
“Don’t. I’ll take care of it, okay? I’m fine.. Just.. You shouldn’t be doing things for me right now,” he mumbled and gave Darren an apologetic smile before getting up to go to the kitchen, setting up some hot water.
Darren sighed but decided to let it go for now, even though he didn’t like it. They were equals. Always had been and always will be. Chris needed to remember that. He made a mistake yes. But that didn’t mean he was any less than Darren. Not at all.
After a few minutes Chris walked back with a pot of tea and two mugs, setting them down before he settled down next to him again.
“Thanks,” Darren said softly and grabbed the teapot to pour them both some tea. “You want some sugar?”
“Yes, please.”
Almost as if they were strangers from each other and Chris was a visitor in his house, Darren grabed the sugarbowl and put one sugarcube into Chris’ tea before he settled back against the couch again, looking at Chris.
“I need you to know one thing before we do anything else.”
“Okay,” Chris said with a small nod, looking back at him.
“We’re equals,” Darren stated.
“I know that.”
“You just don’t agree with it. I can tell by the way you just handled this whole tea thing,” Darren replied and looked at him with serious eyes.
Shaking his head, Chris answered. “No. That was one time now. I just- I feel like I owe you and I don’t know how to pay back just yet so I figured doing little things helps…,” Chris said and looked at Darren helplessly. “I know that we’re equals. We always treated each other that way… I know that.”
“Alright,” Darren nodded. “I don’t want you to feel like you should pay me back or anything, but I think it’ll help you to feel better. Am I right?”
“It will. And don’t worry, please. It’s not that I don’t think we’re equals or I’m weighing out the stuff we do for each other… I just want to this for you and for us,” Chris said sincerely.
Those words made Darren smile and he tilted his head a little.
“Okay. I believe you.” Leaning forward he grabbed his cup of tea, pulling it between his hands, letting the warmth spread through his hands, the familiar feeling of comfort accompanying it.
“Good,” Chris said and smiled softly, his eyes still not really looking into Darren’s, but at least he could face him now. He reached out for his cup as well, grinning at the way Darren held onto it. He knew how much he liked the warmth in his hands.
Slowly the scent of tea reached his nose, making Darren smile.
“You made mint tea, my favorite!”
Chris nodded softly, still smiling at Darren.
“I did…yes,” the younger man chuckled lightly, slowly relaxing into the couch behind him.
”You’re the best,” Darren said, almost automatically, wincing afterwards when he knew this was too much too soon.
Chris frowned. Too well aware of the fact that he was in no way the best. Not today, not ever. He looked away, shame creeping up again, constricting his chest and he took in a deep, shaky breath.
”I’m sorry,” Darren muttered, shaking his head, once again fully aware of how long this was going to take.
“It’s okay. Don’t apologize. I just - don’t know how to handle all of this yet…fuck…” Chris muttered, running his hand through his hair before he took a sip from his tea, letting the scent fill his nose, calming him at least a little.
Darren nodded, feeling frustrated by himself.
“Still.. I could have thought about it one second longer..” Running his own hand through his hair he sipped his tea quietly, still not really able to get the image of someone else on and in Chris out of his mind.
”Darren…” Chris whispered calmly. “Stop feeling bad about it. It’s okay. Not your fault, it’s…just how we used to be.” He frowned at his own words.
”And how we will be again..” he said, hoping he sounded confident and assuring.
Chris nodded slowly. “How we’ll be again…” he repeated and looked at Darren with sad eyes, wishing so desperately that he could just kiss him and tell him over and over again how sorry he was.
Darren looked away from Chris’ sad eyes, needing to distance himself from him if he wanted to talk about this.
“We need to talk about it,” he said again, sounding a bit high pitched.
Chris nodded again, not trusting himself to speak yet.
“H-How though…?” he whispered, feeling so helpless that he just wanted to disappear when he took another sip from his cup.
”Who was the guy?” Darren asked, sounding cold and distant, but not able to make it sound any different, his fingers clenching around his cup.
Chris shuddered at the sudden coldness and firmness in Darren’s voice.
“A random guy…I - I didn’t really know him,” he said, his voice high and shaky.
”What’s his name?” Darren asked, feeling the comforting warmth changing into scolding heat, but not able to let his cup go.
“I - I don’t remember…I didn’t - I didn’t talk to him a lot…I wanted to keep it as impersonal as I could,” Chris confessed.
Darren groaned, shaking his head, not really knowing if this made it worse or better.
“What did you say to him?” He asked.
”D-Darren…do we have t-to do this…?” Chris winced at the thought of having to recall it all, his head pounding already.
”We do. I need to know,” Darren replied, voice sounding strained and thin, body rigid, the tea not helping anymore.
“But why? Why does it matter? It hurts so much already,” Chris said and he could tell Darren was getting upset again. He curled up into himself a little.
”Because I need to know! Why did it happen? What did you do? What did he think? I-I need to know. I know it was meaningless, but I need to know,” he said, hearing how angry and upset his own voice sounded, but not really caring. He had every right to be upset and he had every right to know.
”I told you why it happened…I - I asked him to do it anonymously. Discreet. That it wouldn’t mean anything but sex.” Chris’s voice was thin and high pitched. He shuddered at how angry Darren sounded but he understood. There was no reason for him to hold back his emotions.
”And he just said yes? He was actually fine with a night of meaningless nameless faceless sex?!”
”Y-Yeah…I wouldn’t have done it if that hadn’t been the case…like I said - I wanted it to be as impersonal as it could be…”
“How long did you plan this,” Darren asked now, not caring that he sounded a bit mechanic and inspector-ish. He needed to knew everything so he could get it out of his system, never being stuck with the questions like ‘why’ and ‘what if’ .
Chris froze.
“It took me over a week to actually even think about doing it properly…I - it’s not something I just did out of the blue…” Chris whispered, frozen by the questions and he felt like Darren was growing colder each minute that passed.
“So I was gone for two weeks and after one week you decided I could have better. You decided that cheating, the thing you know hurts the most, was the thing you should be doing to fix this all,” Darren stated, not looking at Chris but just stating the facts he gathered now.
Chris felt like crying all over again, shaking his head, burying it in his hands after he had set down the cup.
“I - I a-already…” he was crying again by then, harsh sobs rocking through his body. “I - t-told you why I did it…and I s-sw-swear I feel so dirty…it’s not even funny. I just - feel like taking a bath all over again I - just - it’s…I’m the dumbest person to exist. I’m so fucking stupid…” he whispered more to himself than to Darren.
“Chris, don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” Darren said and pinched his forehead between his fingers, feeling a terrible headache coming up. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m trying to figure this out. I need to do this. I don’t want this to happen again. I can’t have it happen again,” he said sounding pained and hurt.
“I know you don’t but I also know how much this hurts you. I should know best how betrayed you feel now. But - I-I just need you to trust me again. That’s not who I am. I’m not a cheater. I don’t need anyone else, I just need you so much and I screw it all up. Everything good in my life.” Chris said and took in a deep breath, his whole chest hurting.
“I want to trust you again. I know you’re not a cheater but somehow you thought that cheating was the best thing to do..Do you still remember what the last thing was you heard of me before you decided…this?”
Chris nodded, defeated, emptiness washing over him when he took in another shaky breath.
“What was it?” Darren asked and put one hand on Chris’ knee needing him to know he still loved him. He still wanted him. He didn’t screw it up yet.
“I-I can’t say that again…it just - god…” Chris choked out, Darren’s last words echoing in his head. ‘I love you more than anything and I can’t wait to come home and hold you again. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss you.’ Chris felt sick and shuddered, shaking his head, allowing Darren to hold his knee. He needed the slight comfort at this point.
“What did it make you feel?” Darren asked, sounding a bit warmer and concerned again.
“Loved. I f-felt so loved…and sa-safe…” Chris nearly whimpered and took his cup from the table again, his fingers shaking as he took a sip of the warm liquid.
Darren slowly squeezed his hands on his knee.
“That’s because you are loved.. I want you to be safe. Preferably with me,” he said, smiling softly. “I-I need you Chris. I did miss you. I.. I bought that ring after that text..” Darren looked away and swallowed away a lump, blinking to stop the tears from falling.
Chris felt his body give out again and he just couldn’t hold in his sobs anymore. He normally never cried but this hurt way too much and he felt so guilty, like he could never make it up to the man he loved. He’d done something that he knew first hand - hurt so bad that it was nearly impossible to be fixed.
“I - god…I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry…I - I hate myself so much…it’s - now I know that I don’t deserve you…I don’t.” He choked out along with another heavy sob.
Darren couldn’t hold himself back any longer and even though he knew that Chris needed him. Needed his comfort, he knew he couldn’t give it to him right now. Things were still unsaid and he didn’t want to comfort Chris. Hold him like that before everything was out in the open. He stood up and poured Chris another cup of tea before walking outside, needing fresh air. Needing to be away from the tight air of guilt and humiliation. He knew why Chris did it. But it hurt. It hurt so fucking much. The moment Darren decided he loved Chris so much he wanted him to ask him to marry him, Chris had decided he had to find a guy to cheat on him with.