Fic: When Love Is Too Much.
Title: When Love Is Too Much. - A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best.
Rating: NC-17 for mature themes.
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best. What if you love someone so much you think he deserves so much better? What if you make a wrong decision? What if it's too late? Angst/Hurt-Comfort/Romance/Love.
Disclaimer: We don't own Chris or Darren. Sadly.
Warnings: You’re gonna need tissues. And B&J. And tea. It handles the subject of infidelity, but we like to think we handled it gentle and it only happens once!
Also this story is a collaboration! It's written by me: Jana (Chris in this story) and Sjell (Darren in this story).
Chapter 1 ‘Broken expectations’
Chapter 2 'Explanations'
Once Chris was alone he picked up the box in his shaking hands, looking at it and opening it with another loud sob, pinching the bridge of his nose hard. "Fuck...," he muttered and sat on the floor in silence.
Meanwhile Darren had started to pace the room, desperately needing to get out but at the same time he didn't want to leave Chris, being well aware that once he left it would be forever.
Taking the ring out of the box, Chris traced his fingertips over the cool metal, rolling it around before noticing the small inscription. He winced when he read it, a new stream of tears falling from his eyes. "No...fuck...no...," he whispered and held the ring tightly in his fist, his chest aching and his heart pounding painfully against his ribcage.
Darren took a glass in frustration, smashing it on the floor, using it as some way to release his hurt. His anger and frustration that was welling up inside of him.
Hearing glass shatter, Chris buried his head in his hands. "How Darren?" he yells. "How can you - you can't - you can't mean this! You couldn't!" he corrected himself.
Darren could hear Chris calling and he looked up as if he could see him through the ceiling. He quickly grabbed his phone and started a new message.
If you wanna talk I'm here. I don't...it smells like it up there... -D
Chris shook his head at the message and stared at the phone blankly, quickly typing back.
I'm so sorry. I'm so disgusting. I'm disgraceful. I don't want you to see me like this. Not ever. I need to take a bath. I need to wash this off of me. -C
-
I'm here... -D
Throwing the phone on the couch, Darren started pacing again. Fuck, he really fucked up. Chris fucked up. They both fucked up. How had this happened? They had been so happy. So gloriously happy. Everything was okay. They knew exactly what the other wanted. They fulfilled each other's needs. He opened the door that lead to the garden and sat on the doorstep, staring outside.
Chris got up on shaky legs and walked downstairs. He felt anxious and still oh so naked. Now that he thought about it, it felt surreal. Cheating had always been his one big weakness and he figured that if it hurt him like that in the past, it would hurt Darren enough to make him forget him, that it would erase him from his life. Walking into the room, Chris's arms wrapped around himself protectively, his eyes swollen and unfocused. "Hey...," he choked out.
Darren looked up at him when he heard his love's scratchy voice behind him. "Hey...," he replied and shuffled to make room for Chris to sit next to him.
"Are you sure you want me near you...?" Chris whispered and walked closer.
Nodding, Darren was shaking, not able to say it out loud.
Chris nodded as well and sat down next to him, letting out a shaky breath.
Darren looked up at Chris with tearful eyes. "Where did we go wrong?" he asked.
"You mean where did I go wrong...," Chris whispered. "You were nothing but perfect, Darren."
"No. That's not true. I have done something to make you feel unworthy. I-I need you to tell me what," Darren choked out.
"No. You didn't. That's the problem. You treated me so well. Always. And I just - I felt like I couldn't give you that back...I want to - I want to make you feel how you make me feel but I can't so instead I - I figured you could let go of me easier if I did - that...," the younger man whispered brokenly.
"When did you feel my unease with you? My not-happy state? When did I show you I wasn't as content with you as before? When did I not show how incredibly happy you made me?" Darren asked.
"It wasn't you, Darren! It was never you! It's my fucking head that's messed up! Not yours! I just have this fucking insecurities that apparently drove me to doing that to you. You have no idea how much I hate myself. You have no idea how - how filthy I feel. I don't want anyone else but you to touch me. I didn't want it but I needed to do it so you could start hating me. It would be so much easier!" Chris yelled, a harsh sob trembling through his body.
Darren huffed. "Well look how that turned out...," he muttered. "What do I need to do to make you realize you're it for me, Chris?" he asked.
Chris just shook his head. "You do it all the time...please stop searching for a mistake you made." he begged. "I just can't believe how someone like you can possibly want me."
"But there needs to be one!" Darren yelled. "Please!"
"Not...there's not one reason," Chris said.
At that, Darren started to cry.
"I just don't want you to settle...I want you to have your perfect match. I want you to - to be so happy, Darren...," Chris whimpered and looked away, fighting back more tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.
"I have a perfect match. I'm as happy as possible. Please, Chris. There needs to be something. I must have done something wrong, please!"
Chris shook his head, not able to speak so instead he gasped and let out a shaky breath, shaking and starting to cry again.
"There needs to be - it must...," Darren cried and grabbed Chris desperately.
"No! No, don't touch me right now...," he whispered calmly, moving away. "Believe me, Darren," Chris said. "There is no reason. You did everything for me."
Flinching when Chris moved away, Darren looked at him. "You don't get it, Chris. There needs to be a reason."
"But there is none! I promise! I promise, Darren. There is no reason. The reason is that I feel like you deserve better," Chris said.
Darren was sobbing. "But if there's no reason...then how is there a way I can fix this...Chris I -," he started crying harder.
"You shouldn't have to fix this...you shouldn't have to fix me...," Chris whimpered and cried more as well, getting up. "I - I love you so much. Don't feel like I did this to break you. I didn't -"
"No, you did this to break us," Darren said and looked up at him with broken eyes. "I can't believe you want to break us up..."
"I don't - shit...d-don't...I - I - I told you why I did it and I don't expect you to understand...I don't - I don't get it myself...," Chris said.
"You didn't want us together anymore because I deserve better. Because I should be happier. because you think you're not good enough for me. I understand it...I do. I just don't agree with it," Darren stated.
"Then what - what's happening now?" Chris asked, concern clinging to his voice.
"Chris...," Darren whispered, looking up at him, not daring to stand up as well, probably scaring him away. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I can be happier. Maybe I can have someone else..."
Shivering, Chris held back a loud sob.
"But I'm not looking for someone else. Even though he's there. I'm not gonna go looking for him. even if he calls me up and tells me he's the one for me. I'm gonna hang up. Because I. Don't. Care. I have you. Well...at least I think I have and you make me happy, incredibly happy. Happy enough. You make me smile and laugh and feel beautiful. You calm me and always know exactly what to say to me. You put me at ease. You and I just fit. We just fit. And that's enough. At least for me...," Darren whispered.
"You always have me," Chris replied quickly. "You - god, I love you so much, Darren and I'm so sorry. I'm just so so sorry. I feel so - so terrible for everything...I - god...I'm so fucking stupid. I'm such a fuck-up. Look at what I'm putting you through!"
Darren looked up at him with trembling lips, hands itching to just touch him, wrap his arms around him, starting the process of making them work again, needing to learn how to trust Chris again.
"I love you, too...," he said finally.
"I'm so sorry...I can never make this up to you again...," Chris said, his voice sad and thin.
"Try...please try..."
"I want to...I just don't know how...I'll work hard for it. I promise."
"I know you will," Darren said, smiling softly and standing up slowly, his hand tentatively reaching out for Chris's.
"I-I want to touch you, Darren but - I feel like...I feel like it's not fair to you. Not when I'm filthy like that...just - let me take a quick bath? I - I am so sorry...," Chris looked at him with pleading eyes.
Darren nodded. "Okay...could you - open a window upstairs?" He asked, looking uncomfortable and bit his lip. "I'll be just...here."
"Of course! I - shit, of course...I'll change the sheets. Hell, I'll - I'll do anything...," Chris whispered.
"It's a start..., right?" Darren asked, sounding a bit too hopeful but he wasn't able to hold back.
Nodding, Chris apologized again. "I'm sorry...I'm just - I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me one day...I know it'll take a lot but - you know I'm not - like this..."
"I'm sure I will...I know that Chris. I do...I know you...," Darren said softly.
"You do...better than I know myself," Chris agreed.
"You should listen to that sentence some more...," Darren smiled softly and squeezed his hand in his gently, walking inside. "Go then."
Chris nodded and returned the weak smile before walking upstairs. He cleaned himself thoroughly, scrubbing at his skin until it was red and tender. He got out of the bathtub to wrap himself up in a fluffy towel, threw his clothes and the sheets in the trash before getting new ones to put them on their bed. Their bed. The one that he'd tainted with something he wouldn't forgive himself for soon either. He walked downstairs again once he was dressed. His hair was styled and his eyes not as swollen anymore, his face freshly shaved. "Hey...," he whispered softly, his voice croaky.
Darren looked up at him from his guitar, smiling warmly. "Hey...," he replied.
Rating: NC-17 for mature themes.
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Summary: A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best. What if you love someone so much you think he deserves so much better? What if you make a wrong decision? What if it's too late? Angst/Hurt-Comfort/Romance/Love.
Disclaimer: We don't own Chris or Darren. Sadly.
Warnings: You’re gonna need tissues. And B&J. And tea. It handles the subject of infidelity, but we like to think we handled it gentle and it only happens once!
Also this story is a collaboration! It's written by me: Jana (Chris in this story) and Sjell (Darren in this story).
Chapter 1 ‘Broken expectations’
Chapter 2 'Explanations'
Once Chris was alone he picked up the box in his shaking hands, looking at it and opening it with another loud sob, pinching the bridge of his nose hard. "Fuck...," he muttered and sat on the floor in silence.
Meanwhile Darren had started to pace the room, desperately needing to get out but at the same time he didn't want to leave Chris, being well aware that once he left it would be forever.
Taking the ring out of the box, Chris traced his fingertips over the cool metal, rolling it around before noticing the small inscription. He winced when he read it, a new stream of tears falling from his eyes. "No...fuck...no...," he whispered and held the ring tightly in his fist, his chest aching and his heart pounding painfully against his ribcage.
Darren took a glass in frustration, smashing it on the floor, using it as some way to release his hurt. His anger and frustration that was welling up inside of him.
Hearing glass shatter, Chris buried his head in his hands. "How Darren?" he yells. "How can you - you can't - you can't mean this! You couldn't!" he corrected himself.
Darren could hear Chris calling and he looked up as if he could see him through the ceiling. He quickly grabbed his phone and started a new message.
If you wanna talk I'm here. I don't...it smells like it up there... -D
Chris shook his head at the message and stared at the phone blankly, quickly typing back.
I'm so sorry. I'm so disgusting. I'm disgraceful. I don't want you to see me like this. Not ever. I need to take a bath. I need to wash this off of me. -C
-
I'm here... -D
Throwing the phone on the couch, Darren started pacing again. Fuck, he really fucked up. Chris fucked up. They both fucked up. How had this happened? They had been so happy. So gloriously happy. Everything was okay. They knew exactly what the other wanted. They fulfilled each other's needs. He opened the door that lead to the garden and sat on the doorstep, staring outside.
Chris got up on shaky legs and walked downstairs. He felt anxious and still oh so naked. Now that he thought about it, it felt surreal. Cheating had always been his one big weakness and he figured that if it hurt him like that in the past, it would hurt Darren enough to make him forget him, that it would erase him from his life. Walking into the room, Chris's arms wrapped around himself protectively, his eyes swollen and unfocused. "Hey...," he choked out.
Darren looked up at him when he heard his love's scratchy voice behind him. "Hey...," he replied and shuffled to make room for Chris to sit next to him.
"Are you sure you want me near you...?" Chris whispered and walked closer.
Nodding, Darren was shaking, not able to say it out loud.
Chris nodded as well and sat down next to him, letting out a shaky breath.
Darren looked up at Chris with tearful eyes. "Where did we go wrong?" he asked.
"You mean where did I go wrong...," Chris whispered. "You were nothing but perfect, Darren."
"No. That's not true. I have done something to make you feel unworthy. I-I need you to tell me what," Darren choked out.
"No. You didn't. That's the problem. You treated me so well. Always. And I just - I felt like I couldn't give you that back...I want to - I want to make you feel how you make me feel but I can't so instead I - I figured you could let go of me easier if I did - that...," the younger man whispered brokenly.
"When did you feel my unease with you? My not-happy state? When did I show you I wasn't as content with you as before? When did I not show how incredibly happy you made me?" Darren asked.
"It wasn't you, Darren! It was never you! It's my fucking head that's messed up! Not yours! I just have this fucking insecurities that apparently drove me to doing that to you. You have no idea how much I hate myself. You have no idea how - how filthy I feel. I don't want anyone else but you to touch me. I didn't want it but I needed to do it so you could start hating me. It would be so much easier!" Chris yelled, a harsh sob trembling through his body.
Darren huffed. "Well look how that turned out...," he muttered. "What do I need to do to make you realize you're it for me, Chris?" he asked.
Chris just shook his head. "You do it all the time...please stop searching for a mistake you made." he begged. "I just can't believe how someone like you can possibly want me."
"But there needs to be one!" Darren yelled. "Please!"
"Not...there's not one reason," Chris said.
At that, Darren started to cry.
"I just don't want you to settle...I want you to have your perfect match. I want you to - to be so happy, Darren...," Chris whimpered and looked away, fighting back more tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.
"I have a perfect match. I'm as happy as possible. Please, Chris. There needs to be something. I must have done something wrong, please!"
Chris shook his head, not able to speak so instead he gasped and let out a shaky breath, shaking and starting to cry again.
"There needs to be - it must...," Darren cried and grabbed Chris desperately.
"No! No, don't touch me right now...," he whispered calmly, moving away. "Believe me, Darren," Chris said. "There is no reason. You did everything for me."
Flinching when Chris moved away, Darren looked at him. "You don't get it, Chris. There needs to be a reason."
"But there is none! I promise! I promise, Darren. There is no reason. The reason is that I feel like you deserve better," Chris said.
Darren was sobbing. "But if there's no reason...then how is there a way I can fix this...Chris I -," he started crying harder.
"You shouldn't have to fix this...you shouldn't have to fix me...," Chris whimpered and cried more as well, getting up. "I - I love you so much. Don't feel like I did this to break you. I didn't -"
"No, you did this to break us," Darren said and looked up at him with broken eyes. "I can't believe you want to break us up..."
"I don't - shit...d-don't...I - I - I told you why I did it and I don't expect you to understand...I don't - I don't get it myself...," Chris said.
"You didn't want us together anymore because I deserve better. Because I should be happier. because you think you're not good enough for me. I understand it...I do. I just don't agree with it," Darren stated.
"Then what - what's happening now?" Chris asked, concern clinging to his voice.
"Chris...," Darren whispered, looking up at him, not daring to stand up as well, probably scaring him away. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I can be happier. Maybe I can have someone else..."
Shivering, Chris held back a loud sob.
"But I'm not looking for someone else. Even though he's there. I'm not gonna go looking for him. even if he calls me up and tells me he's the one for me. I'm gonna hang up. Because I. Don't. Care. I have you. Well...at least I think I have and you make me happy, incredibly happy. Happy enough. You make me smile and laugh and feel beautiful. You calm me and always know exactly what to say to me. You put me at ease. You and I just fit. We just fit. And that's enough. At least for me...," Darren whispered.
"You always have me," Chris replied quickly. "You - god, I love you so much, Darren and I'm so sorry. I'm just so so sorry. I feel so - so terrible for everything...I - god...I'm so fucking stupid. I'm such a fuck-up. Look at what I'm putting you through!"
Darren looked up at him with trembling lips, hands itching to just touch him, wrap his arms around him, starting the process of making them work again, needing to learn how to trust Chris again.
"I love you, too...," he said finally.
"I'm so sorry...I can never make this up to you again...," Chris said, his voice sad and thin.
"Try...please try..."
"I want to...I just don't know how...I'll work hard for it. I promise."
"I know you will," Darren said, smiling softly and standing up slowly, his hand tentatively reaching out for Chris's.
"I-I want to touch you, Darren but - I feel like...I feel like it's not fair to you. Not when I'm filthy like that...just - let me take a quick bath? I - I am so sorry...," Chris looked at him with pleading eyes.
Darren nodded. "Okay...could you - open a window upstairs?" He asked, looking uncomfortable and bit his lip. "I'll be just...here."
"Of course! I - shit, of course...I'll change the sheets. Hell, I'll - I'll do anything...," Chris whispered.
"It's a start..., right?" Darren asked, sounding a bit too hopeful but he wasn't able to hold back.
Nodding, Chris apologized again. "I'm sorry...I'm just - I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me one day...I know it'll take a lot but - you know I'm not - like this..."
"I'm sure I will...I know that Chris. I do...I know you...," Darren said softly.
"You do...better than I know myself," Chris agreed.
"You should listen to that sentence some more...," Darren smiled softly and squeezed his hand in his gently, walking inside. "Go then."
Chris nodded and returned the weak smile before walking upstairs. He cleaned himself thoroughly, scrubbing at his skin until it was red and tender. He got out of the bathtub to wrap himself up in a fluffy towel, threw his clothes and the sheets in the trash before getting new ones to put them on their bed. Their bed. The one that he'd tainted with something he wouldn't forgive himself for soon either. He walked downstairs again once he was dressed. His hair was styled and his eyes not as swollen anymore, his face freshly shaved. "Hey...," he whispered softly, his voice croaky.
Darren looked up at him from his guitar, smiling warmly. "Hey...," he replied.