Shh (Details) Part 6
Title: Shh (Details)
Fandom: RPF
Pairing: Pinto
Series Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just love 'em
Warnings: long-term angst
Summary: Part 6 of 11. Zach has a crush on Chris but Chris really doesn't want to know. A lot of angst, UST and crappy decision making follows and eventually, Zach has to make a choice.
Follows the songs from Frou Frou's album, Details - which is my favourite album of all time, just to be melodramatic. The song's aren't in order, I sorted them as needed for the story arc. Normally I don't do songfics but this story just flowed out of the album for me, so I went for it.
Shh is track 7 on the album and the lyrics for all the songs on Details can be found here. If you haven't heard it and you can get your hands (electronic or otherwise) on the album, I thoroughly recommend it.
Download Shh
A/N: Sorry this took a while but Chris just won't work with me on this one. The ending is influenced slightly by the fact that I read ewinfic's totally non TL;DR post about sexuality and our examinations of it. I have this thing about labels and boxes - they are so restrictive and as a species we are so much more complicated than that. Why restrict ourselves like that? Why not just be who we are and let the rest of the world deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, some things don't need to be classified.
/here ends rant.
Sunbeams tugged at Zach’s body as he lay naked, face down on the bed, the lower curve of his back bathed in the hot brand of the afternoon light. He felt a body move beside him as he shifted, its movements still heavy and drugged with sleep. Cracking open an eye he could see Chris sprawled across three quarters of the bed, his head on Zach’s pillow. Getting up very slowly, Zach padded quietly to the bedroom door and slipped out to check on Noah and fix Chris and himself some late lunch - he couldn’t remember if he’d managed to eat breakfast that morning before he’d found Chris on his doorstep. Pulling the door shut quietly behind him, he let Noah out into the small backyard and went to assess the food situation in the kitchen.
He supposed it was the smell of food that had woken Chris - his nose seemed to be leading the rest of him into an upright position. Zach placed the tray of toasted ham and cheese on his bedside table and sat down very carefully on the edge of the bed - not too close to Chris but not so far away as to be obvious.
“I made tea too, thought it might be a nice change from all that coffee.”
Chris stared at Zach blearily and for a moment Zach’s heart stuttered in his chest, all his hopes shrivelling in the wash of fear that overran him. But Chris just yawned loudly and reached for a mug, taking a slow, intense draw of liquid before shaking his head a little and looking - properly looking at Zach for the first time since he had fallen asleep on his chest that morning.
“Tea is good,” he said, his eyes all for Zach. “You look nervous.”
“I am,” replied Zach. “I have this terrible feeling that last night was just a dream or worse, a mistake.”
“You do?”
Zach sighed.
“A lot of things can be said in the heat of passion and no matter how ardently you mean them at the time, the next day everything’s shifted and some things just don’t seem truthful anymore.”
Chris stopped picking at the toasted sandwich he had claimed and a flicker of something shivered across his gaze.
“What are you saying, Zach?”
“I’m saying that you were hurting last night. You were lost and in pain and you knew that you could lose yourself in me, even if it was only for a little while.”
“Wow. That sounds almost generous of you, Zach. Should I be lavishing my undying gratitude upon you for this morning’s exercise?”
He could tell that Chris had tried to make a joke of it but the sarcasm was acid-sharp and Zach flinched away from him involuntarily. Chris blew out his breath sharply as his rubbed at his sleep-encrusted eyes.
“I’m sorry, it’s just... I didn’t think you would be the one balking at this.” Chris sounded almost surprised at his own observation. “Wow. I didn’t think it would be you. I thought it would be me. Zach, why aren’t I freaking out about this?”
“Maybe I am just that brilliant of a fuck?”
Chris spat tea all over the sheets and nearly had to drop the mug back on the table.
“No offense, Quinto you’re good but you’re not a sex god.”
“Huh,” Zach scoffed, “shows what you know.”
They smiled at each other and Chris judged it safe enough to return to his tea.
“So if you’re not going to freak out on me just yet, what are you going to do?” Zach asked.
“I’m going to thank you for this morning.”
“I thought you were being sarcastic about your undying gratitude?”
Chris shot him a goofy look that said ‘I can’t even be bothered to take you seriously right now’.
“No, I mean I want to thank you because you were there for me and you were careful with me. You were so careful not to pull me to you or push me away. Zach, I don’t think you understand how much I needed last night.”
“Yeah but will you need me again, when you’re not on the rebound? You know how I feel, you said so last night and I can’t be just fuck buddies with you, I can’t. It’d hurt more than not having you at all.”
“I know,” Chris replied, his voice as soft as the sheets on which they laid. “I... It’s too early for me to say I want... I dunno, a relationship? This whole guy on guy thing is completely new to me. Yeah I’m used to your feelings for me now but that’s a totally different thing to a full blown relationship that’s full of - you know - the sex.”
“You do know you just used ‘full blown’ and ‘sex’ in the same sentence, right?”
Chris threw a pillow at Zach’s head, narrowly missing him.”
“Shut up for Christ’s sake, I’m trying to be all serious and deep!”
“Now you’ve used ‘deep’. Deep, full blown sex - there’s just no helping you Pine, you have a dirty, dirty mind.”
Without warning Chris lunged at Zach and managed to wrap his arms around his head, letting loose a triumphant ‘aha!’ as he wrestled him onto the bed. Zach, not one to surrender without a fight proceeded to grab Chris around the middle. Locked in this deadly struggle for survival, the toasted sandwiches were left to cool by the unloved mugs of tea until finally, releasing his hold on Zach; Chris brought their lips together in a clash of teeth and skin.
“You know,” panted Chris between kisses, “I really should be doing something constructive with the rest of today... like re-grouting the bathroom... tiles or cleaning out... the oven or... checking the oil in my car.”
Zach tried to muffle his laughter in the stubble of Chris cheek.
“You don’t do any of those things, Pine. That’s why your car keeps breaking down for a start.”
“Eh, what can I say? There are more things in this life, Zachary than are dreamt of in a mechanics’ philosophy.”
“That is the worst attempt at Shakespearean quotation that I have ever heard, bar none. Your degree should be ashamed of you.”
“Oh shut up and keep kissing me before I start quoting Robert Frost.”
Zach complied with ease.
An hour later, Chris shot upright, shaking Zach out of the light doze he’d been in.
“Shit, look at the time! I need to be at a read through at nine in the morning tomorrow.”
Zach flexed his arms as they stretched above his head.
“It’s only five in the afternoon now, Chris. I think you’ll make it if you run really fast.”
“Shut uuuup,” groaned Chris as he shoved his face into the pillow. “With everything that’s been going on, I’ve barely looked at the damn script. I need to get home and find it, first thing then I should probably try to find some clean clothes - when did I last do a wash?”
“You going all domestic on me now, Pine?” Zach teased.
Chris shuddered melodramatically.
“No man, you have no idea how bad my place looks at the moment. It’s like Godzilla and King Kong had an epic punch up all through my house and then barfed all over it.”
Zach winced at the mental imagery that provoked.
“Dude. Seriously. I did not need that level of disgusting detail, even if it is metaphorical.”
Chris just stuck his tongue out in response and went to get up, wrapping one of the bed sheets around him as he did.
“D’you remember where my pants ended up?”
Zach was solemn as he tried to recall.
“Fell behind the dresser, I think.”
“Oh yeah,” sing-songed Chris as he peered into the darkness behind the furniture. “Here they are.”
Zach was still in the bed, a lone figure in the massive expanse of softness. The remaining sheets were pooled around his waist and he was carefully examining his fingernails.
“You could stay for dinner? Stay the night?”
Chris turned back to Zach slowly, his jeans hanging limply from one hand.
“I... We’ve spent almost all day in bed and... it was great and everything don’t get me wrong. That thing you can do with your legs and that vibrating thing with your throat? All just... amazing but I think I need to get back into my own space a little bit, you know? Figure out where my head’s at; get into the right frame of mind for tomorrow. If I stay here,” Chris walked back to the bed and sat down by Zach, tilting his head up with his hand. “I’ll get distracted and tomorrow will be a complete disaster, much like the last few weeks have been.”
Zach tried to meet his eyes but couldn’t. This is good, he willed himself to think. This is so much more than you could have expected from him. Don’t ruin it by being too needy.
“Sounds like a plan, my man. Can’t have you screwing up a Hollywood blockbuster.”
“’Zif I would,” scoffed Chris. “I could be absolute shit and I’d still be the best thing in the room. I’m just that charismatic.”
A playful shove and Chris resumed getting dressed, eventually wandering into the lounge room to find his shirt. Zach listened to the silence - his bedroom was his own again and that wasn’t quite good enough any more. By the time he got out of bed and found his own pants, Chris was at the back door, saying goodbye to Noah, as Harold wound his way around his feet. He straightened as Zach came into the room and then, as they stood facing each other across the space it finally became awkward.
“Well. So. I’ll see you soon then?” Asked Zach, trying so hard to sound casual and unconcerned.
“Sure,” replied Chris, hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched forwards, “tomorrow’s pretty much all tied up with the movie’s pre-production stuff but the day after, maybe?”
Zach just nodded mutely in agreement. Would setting an hour to meet sound too desperate? How about a mealtime, instead? Would that be general enough?
“You could swing round for dinner then? We could have a proper meal and bitch about how annoying your co stars are going to be.”
Chris half smiled in the long shadows of the early evening.
“Sure! It’s a date.”
They both flinched at the unconscious slip but it was for very different reasons.
“Uh I’ll see you then... then,” said Chris before he bounded out the front door into the dead light of the end of the day and Zach didn’t quite know what do with himself, in the quiet of the house.
It felt like weeks since Zach had seen him but he tried not to let it show on his face. He was also an hour late but his breathless apology - a kiss as soon as the door was closed - let Zach forgive him instantaneously.
“I brought wine with me,” said Chris. “It’s ah, er - not sure what it is actually but it was ridiculously expensive so it should be good.”
Zach just smiled and took the bottle into the kitchen as Chris hung his jacket up next to the front door.
“So,” Zach called out from the kitchen, “what do you feel like eating?”
“Dunno,” Chris replied as he perused Zach’s CD collection, his fingers trailing over their spines. “What do you feel like?”
Zach loved and hated this part. For as long as he had known Chris, they had never been able to make a decision on food in less than twenty minutes. Even the Craft Services tables had been the feature of debate - Zach arguing the merits of a salad roll over whatever it was that lay in wait within the pastry shells of the hot food.
“How about something light, like... sushi? Or a nice Thai salad?”
Chris made a rude noise from the other room and Zach rolled his eyes - he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
“No, I want something with a little more substance to it. How about a nice couple of steaks from that new place, they deliver don’t they?”
“Urgh, not steak. Totally not in the mood for steak. How about a curry?”
“Yeah,” laughed Chris, “we could scare each other off with our garlic breath.”
“Okay, so not curry. We’re running out of options!”
“Pizza?”
“Too bready. Fish?”
“Too fishy. Soup?”
“Soup? Where are we going to get soup from?” scoffed Zach. “And anyway, I thought you wanted something substantial.”
“Fine. Burgers then, how about burgers?”
Zach poked his head around the door and glared squintily at Chris.
“Fast food or gourmet?”
“Gourmet, of course. Nothing so unrefined as fast food for Zachary Quinto’s delicate palate.”
“I’m very careful about what I eat,” replied Zach sniffily.
“Whatever,” drawled Chris with a smile. “So, yes to burgers? We’ve actually decided?”
“Burgers it is. I’ll ring and see if they deliver.”
Zach moved into the lounge room and reached for the phone.
Twenty minutes later and the gourmet meal was delivered, complete with separate portions of pickles. They ate in silence for the most part, preferring the kitchen table to the over formality of the dining one. Half way into the bottle of wine and they finally began to move off the topics of weather and general news. Half a bottle later again and they moved onto Zach’s stash of spirits and liqueurs - Chris demanding to try a bit of every strange alcoholic concoction, exclaiming over a peach something or other and hastily abandoning a blueberry one.
Eventually they reached a point where it was decided that sitting on chairs was not nearly as fun as sprawling on the floor of the kitchen. After amending this decision to include the lounge room floor, which was warmer, Zach ran his hand clumsily down the back of Chris’ neck, trying to remember why he was allowed to do this.
“I wanna go for a walk,” Chris announced abruptly.
Standing suddenly and then swaying, Chris reached a hand down to Zach and dragged him up, heading for the front door.
“Isn’t it a little late for a walk,” asked Zach but Chris wasn’t listening.
It was warm outside and the darkness engulfed the pair as Chris stepped onto the street, pulling Zach behind him like a recalcitrant puppy.
“C’mon, walk with me!”
Zach had no idea where they were going but Chris had purpose in his stride and they were heading... somewhere. The streets lights illuminated them in fluorescent glory every minute or so like recurring spotlights until Zach heard the murmur of voices that slowly resolved into the convincing sound of a nightclub. This couldn’t have been where Chris was originally heading but the persistent thrum of a beat, the swirl of people with their talk and laughter and glitter pulled Chris in, and Zach had no choice but to follow. Looking back, Zach tried to understand why neither of them had thought to let go of the other’s hand but at the time, Chris’ hand in his was his only lifeline as the storm of people engulfed them and Chris star-powered them past the bouncers with the barest pause. Now they were heading for the bar and Zach’s head kept trying to tell him something, perhaps that they - Chris in particular had drunk enough tonight.
“Two beers!” Chris shouted at the bartender, letting go of Zach’s hand before spinning rather drunkenly back to him and mussing his hair with one hand, his eyes shining with whatever it was that was driving him. The more energised Chris became, the more Zach pulled back, worried about something that the drink had muffled too much to recall in all this noise.
Chris nearly skulled his drink when it arrived but Zach only sipped at his.
“Dance with me!” Chris shouted in Zach’s ear and Zach jerked away but Chris’s hand was on his forearm and the look in his eyes was... predatory.
The music was made up of basic dance mixes but there was something dark about the deeper chords that ran through the songs, something that made you think of night-black water on naked skin. It seemed to suit Chris perfectly - his smile dark-lit and all for Zach. His arms came around him as they found a place on the crowded dance floor and slowly slid down his back until they wrapped lazily around his ass. Chris’ face was inches away from Zach’s and he could feel his breath as it mingled with the heat of the club’s air. He tried not to look at Chris’ eyes as he placed his own hands around his shoulders - his eyes weren’t right and Zach didn’t want to be here anymore, amongst all this noise - he wanted to be alone with Chris at home, watching some black and white movie on the couch with the blond nestled in his arms. He wasn’t sure what this was, what Chris was trying to prove.
“Let’s go home!” Zach shouted but Chris just shook his head, turning it into a laugh that competed with the music for dominance. The music deepened and the beat ricocheted around Zach’s head until only Chris was keeping him standing. The people around them blurred into a mass of writhing bodies and flashing lights and Zach had to close his eyes, opening them sharply when he felt Chris lean in and kiss him passionately, with all the heightened emotion of the drunk. Zach tried to back off but Chris wouldn’t take no for an answer, surging forward as Zach backed off, until they ran out of space and each of them grabbed for the other, desperately searching for purchase on their bodies.
When they had recovered, Chris slumped against Zach’s chest, chuckling deeply, the reverberations shivering into Zach’s body. Zach used both hands to tilt Chris’ head up to him.
“Home, Chris,” he mouthed and Chris nodded slowly, his mirth fading away with the song, replaced with something more sober.
They made it outside with little trouble and Zach borrowed a girl’s phone to call a cab, in exchange for an autograph. Mercifully, the cab was quick and Zach bundled Chris into the back before following him in. Chris was asleep by the time they reached his house and Zach didn’t have a key so it was back to Zach’s and a good ten minutes trying to get a near unconscious Chris in the front door and on into the bedroom.
“If you chuck on those clean sheets, Pine I’ll kill you,” he whispered but Chris was far-gone, blue eyes hidden behind heavy lids.
Slipping off his shoes and shirt, he tucked Chris into bed feeling absurdly like his mother. Zach changed into a pair of slacks and slipped in beside Chris, being careful not to touch him and roughly bunching his pillow up around his head. He closed his eyes and tried to will himself to sleep but all he could see was that wolf-like look on Chris’ face at the club and the way that he had kissed Zach’s breath away on the dance floor.
---------------------------------------
Zach didn’t get to sleep in for very long the next morning. Between Chris’ groans of pain as he tried to shut out the world with his pillow and the incessantly ringing phone, Zach gave it up as a lost cause and stumbled into the lounge room to pick up the phone.
It wouldn’t have made a difference to anything had he not picked it up but he still wishes like hell that he hadn’t.
“Hello?”
“Zach? Oh Zach thank Christ for that, I’ve been trying to call you for the last fifteen minutes!”
“Sarah?”
It was Zach’s agent, who knew very well that early mornings were off limits unless there was a dire emergency - a dire, career threatening emergency.
“Yeah,” A sigh over the line and the sound of someone shuffling in their chair. “Okay, I found an envelope waiting for me this morning when I got into the office. It was hand delivered, which makes me think that these are recent and... I dunno whether that makes things better or worse to be honest.”
Zach scratched his face tiredly.
“Look, Sarah it’s... what time is it anyway? Doesn’t matter. It’s early, too early for this obtuse bullcrap - just tell me what the problem is.”
“You’re out,” Zach’s vision flashed to white for the smallest moment. “Or at least, you’re about to be outed,” Sarah continued. “And not just you, it looks like this is a two for one deal.”
“Chris?” Zach whispered so softly it was hardly a question.
“Chris,” Sarah replied.
He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there but somehow he was on the floor, the bristles of the carpet biting into the soft skin of his ankles and the tops of his feet.
“Zach? Are you still there?”
He managed to make some sound of assent and Sarah continued, every word drilling deeper and deeper into Zach’s body, reaching bone and heart so quickly.
“They’re pictures of you kissing in a club of some sort. Now, after last month’s... expose on Chris’ apparent infidelity the tabs... they’re going to have a field day, Zach. This is going to go nuclear.”
“Is...” Zach had to stop and find his voice. “Is there any way to protect Chris from this? Can’t it just be me?”
“No, I’m sorry Zach. The photos have both of you in them and your faces are easily recognisable, even in the club lighting. They’ll use them in connection with Chris’ recent scandal to boost the story. All we can do now is go into damage control, for both of you. Chris’ agent contacted me a half hour ago - he has the same photos on his desk but... he can’t seem to get in touch with Chris.”
Zach wandered over to the coat stand and rummaged around in Chris’ jacket until he found his phone; still on vibrate from last night, with twelve missed calls waiting.
“Yeah he’s um, with me. The photos will be from last night. Chris... we had a little too much to drink and went out clubbing. I just... we didn’t think about it.”
Another sigh over the phone.
“A little heads up about this would have been nice, Zach.”
“For fuck’s sake, Sarah, I don’t even know what’s going on. It’s all been a little sudden. Two days ago there would have been nothing to tell you.”
“Fine, fine. Look, you and Chris need to come in for a meeting with Chris’ agent and myself. How about twelve? I’ll contact Patrick.”
“Okay,” Zach replied, his mind already racing frantically ahead, trying to find a way to break this to Chris.
As he headed back into the bedroom, he heard the sound of rushing water and realized that Chris must be in the shower. This was good; this gave him time to figure out how to phrase this. Ten minutes later as the water shut off, he still had no idea of what to say.
“Urgh, my head feels like it’s been smashed between two brick walls.”
“Wait till you hear what I have to say,” Zach muttered.
“Huh?”
“Ah, Chris just… sit down for a minute will you?”
“Sit down, are you kidding?! I’m soaking wet - I can think of better ways to muss up your sheets.”
Chris’ cheeky grin didn’t last long as Zach’s bleak look remained unbroken.
“Shit. What is it?”
“How much do you remember of last night?”
“Chris scrunched his eyes up in concentration.
“Uh, I remember going clubbing, I think. Maybe a little dancing?”
“Along with a little kissing?”
“What?”
“You kissed me, Chris. Right there on the dance floor. And now my agent is ringing me telling me that she and Patrick both have copies of photos showing that spontaneous event.”
Chris joined Zach on the bed, his hands clasped between his legs as the water dripped steadily from his hair, staining the bedspread a darker colour.
“Can they stop it?”
“No,” replied Zach quietly.
Chris abruptly stood again, one hand holding his towel together around his waist and began to pace the room.
“What do we do?”
“Sarah’s arranged for a meeting at twelve. We go and... we see how much we can minimise this. Sarah’s not very hopeful on that front either.”
“Jesus,” said Chris as he stood at the curtains. “I don’t even remember doing it. Why would I be so stupid?!”
Zach ignored the twinge of pain that brought and levelled his gaze at Chris’ naked back.
“I don’t know. You were pretty drunk and kind of... manic.”
“This was such a bad idea.”
Zach was very careful to check that his voice worked before replying.
“What do you mean?”
“I said I didn’t want a relationship yet, Zach! I’m not sure how I feel about this whole thing. The last thing I want right now is for the whole fucking world to know about it. I’m not gay Zach! I’m not. I like women, scratch that, I love women. Before you, I’d never even looked at a guy that way. But you were always there, in my periphery, always available, always concerned. Then I get vulnerable and... there it is.”
“Zach was shaking but it wasn’t hurt now, it was anger.
“No. You don’t get to use that as a fucking emotional playing card. We talked about this and you said, you promised that this was more than just loneliness and - and desperation on your part!”
“I was not desperate! I just wasn’t in my right mind!”
“So what was all of this then?” Zach asked bitterly. “Yesterday, last night, dinner, that kiss? Still out of your mind, were you? Because you seemed pretty level headed to me.”
Chris pursed his lips, ready to retaliate. Then he sighed instead, letting his whole body slump forwards.
“What are we going to do, Zach? This can’t happen. My career...”
“And mine,” Zach added abruptly.
Chris’ eyes flashed dark.
“You know this is going to affect my career more than yours, Quinto.”
“Oh, we’re back to last names are we? Well then, Pine you might be Hollywood’s quintessential blue eyed boy but that doesn’t make this any more catastrophic for you compared to me! And if you want to start playing the blame game, there is no way that I would’ve dragged us out to a club and then started tonguing you in front of God knows who. I would have been happy to just stay home... with you!”
Zach wondered when his anger had bled into pleading but it didn’t matter - Chris’ face softened into empathy before he lowered it into his hands. Zach got up slowly and walked over to him, so aware of his presence that he could have traced Chris’ outline in the dark.
“Let’s just... go to this meeting and see where things are at. If we need to face the press in order to outmanoeuvre the story, then that’s what we’ll do - make sure that it’s on our terms as much as possible.”
Hands on Chris’ arms and Zach could smell the heady scent of his own shampoo in Chris’ hair.
“I feel like my whole life has been ripped out of my hands, Zach. Everything was so right a few months ago. Now... I don’t want to share this with anyone. It’s the only thing I still had a say in, that I still had some control over.”
Chris sighed and dropped his head on Zach’s shoulder.
“I’m so over this.”
For a moment, Zach thought that he meant them but only for a moment - it wasn’t their relationship that he was referring to. And it was in moments like this that Zach felt the same way.
The meeting had gone as predicted and Zach’s suggestion of beating the media to it and making a joint statement was met with approval. No one said it but at this stage, it was that or let the photos be published and that would create a far less manageable catastrophe.
The magazine that had a hold of the photos had agreed not to publish them if they were given first rights to an official photo shoot at some later date. It seemed a good deal and Zach had the sneaking suspicion that they were hesitant to forge ahead and publish the photos without their consent - being sued was always a constant possibility in Hollywood.
And so it was that Zach and Chris found themselves at Chris’ house sitting in silence by the hum of the fridge while they waited for the wave of post-statement hysteria to come crashing down on their heads. It didn’t take long before the first cameraman appeared outside Chris’ front gate. Then another and another until Zach started to entertain the idea of hiding under a blanket and never coming out again.
As the shuffling murmur of the group outside continued, Zach spared a glance at Chris, who was sitting next to him, as tense as a fox with the scent of hound in its nostrils. He jerked when Zach gently closed his hand over his, before sending a shaky smile back and squeezing Zach’s hand.
They made dinner and Zach wondered if Noah was sleeping on the couch at home - such an absurd thought to have at a time like this that it almost made him laugh. The murmurs from outside changed as the light faded, becoming more intense.
“Shh!” said Chris suddenly. “Can you hear that?”
Zach cocked his head and tried to hear anything that hadn’t been present moments before.
“No... Just the paps out the front.”
Chris shook his head violently.
“That’s who I mean! I know they’re waiting somewhere out there, waiting for both of us and now we can’t go back to how things were before. They all think I’m gay - my whole life is going to be pored over, scavenged for hints and signs that might have revealed what I ‘am’. Fuck! As if it’s always who I was, who I’ll always be.”
Chris eyes were almost sky blue with emotion.
“I knew who I was a week ago, a month ago. I knew exactly where I fitted. Now? Some fucker with camera and no fucking conscience gets to dictate who I am.”
“Chris!” Zach urged. “It doesn’t matter what ‘they’ think - what do they know? I know that this? This is real and that matters more to me than whatever happens out there,” Zach waved his hand dismissively at the front windows.
“It may have been earlier than we’d have liked but odds are the tabs would have eventually found out about this. If you’re here, all the rest is just white noise to me.”
He ran his hands gently over Chris’ spiky hair.
“You may not be ‘gay’ but you don’t have to be to make this special. You don’t need to conform to their labels.”
Zach leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the curve of Chris’ ear.
“Just make your own,” he whispered.
Part Seven
Fandom: RPF
Pairing: Pinto
Series Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just love 'em
Warnings: long-term angst
Summary: Part 6 of 11. Zach has a crush on Chris but Chris really doesn't want to know. A lot of angst, UST and crappy decision making follows and eventually, Zach has to make a choice.
Follows the songs from Frou Frou's album, Details - which is my favourite album of all time, just to be melodramatic. The song's aren't in order, I sorted them as needed for the story arc. Normally I don't do songfics but this story just flowed out of the album for me, so I went for it.
Shh is track 7 on the album and the lyrics for all the songs on Details can be found here. If you haven't heard it and you can get your hands (electronic or otherwise) on the album, I thoroughly recommend it.
Download Shh
A/N: Sorry this took a while but Chris just won't work with me on this one. The ending is influenced slightly by the fact that I read ewinfic's totally non TL;DR post about sexuality and our examinations of it. I have this thing about labels and boxes - they are so restrictive and as a species we are so much more complicated than that. Why restrict ourselves like that? Why not just be who we are and let the rest of the world deal with the fact that maybe, just maybe, some things don't need to be classified.
/here ends rant.
Sunbeams tugged at Zach’s body as he lay naked, face down on the bed, the lower curve of his back bathed in the hot brand of the afternoon light. He felt a body move beside him as he shifted, its movements still heavy and drugged with sleep. Cracking open an eye he could see Chris sprawled across three quarters of the bed, his head on Zach’s pillow. Getting up very slowly, Zach padded quietly to the bedroom door and slipped out to check on Noah and fix Chris and himself some late lunch - he couldn’t remember if he’d managed to eat breakfast that morning before he’d found Chris on his doorstep. Pulling the door shut quietly behind him, he let Noah out into the small backyard and went to assess the food situation in the kitchen.
He supposed it was the smell of food that had woken Chris - his nose seemed to be leading the rest of him into an upright position. Zach placed the tray of toasted ham and cheese on his bedside table and sat down very carefully on the edge of the bed - not too close to Chris but not so far away as to be obvious.
“I made tea too, thought it might be a nice change from all that coffee.”
Chris stared at Zach blearily and for a moment Zach’s heart stuttered in his chest, all his hopes shrivelling in the wash of fear that overran him. But Chris just yawned loudly and reached for a mug, taking a slow, intense draw of liquid before shaking his head a little and looking - properly looking at Zach for the first time since he had fallen asleep on his chest that morning.
“Tea is good,” he said, his eyes all for Zach. “You look nervous.”
“I am,” replied Zach. “I have this terrible feeling that last night was just a dream or worse, a mistake.”
“You do?”
Zach sighed.
“A lot of things can be said in the heat of passion and no matter how ardently you mean them at the time, the next day everything’s shifted and some things just don’t seem truthful anymore.”
Chris stopped picking at the toasted sandwich he had claimed and a flicker of something shivered across his gaze.
“What are you saying, Zach?”
“I’m saying that you were hurting last night. You were lost and in pain and you knew that you could lose yourself in me, even if it was only for a little while.”
“Wow. That sounds almost generous of you, Zach. Should I be lavishing my undying gratitude upon you for this morning’s exercise?”
He could tell that Chris had tried to make a joke of it but the sarcasm was acid-sharp and Zach flinched away from him involuntarily. Chris blew out his breath sharply as his rubbed at his sleep-encrusted eyes.
“I’m sorry, it’s just... I didn’t think you would be the one balking at this.” Chris sounded almost surprised at his own observation. “Wow. I didn’t think it would be you. I thought it would be me. Zach, why aren’t I freaking out about this?”
“Maybe I am just that brilliant of a fuck?”
Chris spat tea all over the sheets and nearly had to drop the mug back on the table.
“No offense, Quinto you’re good but you’re not a sex god.”
“Huh,” Zach scoffed, “shows what you know.”
They smiled at each other and Chris judged it safe enough to return to his tea.
“So if you’re not going to freak out on me just yet, what are you going to do?” Zach asked.
“I’m going to thank you for this morning.”
“I thought you were being sarcastic about your undying gratitude?”
Chris shot him a goofy look that said ‘I can’t even be bothered to take you seriously right now’.
“No, I mean I want to thank you because you were there for me and you were careful with me. You were so careful not to pull me to you or push me away. Zach, I don’t think you understand how much I needed last night.”
“Yeah but will you need me again, when you’re not on the rebound? You know how I feel, you said so last night and I can’t be just fuck buddies with you, I can’t. It’d hurt more than not having you at all.”
“I know,” Chris replied, his voice as soft as the sheets on which they laid. “I... It’s too early for me to say I want... I dunno, a relationship? This whole guy on guy thing is completely new to me. Yeah I’m used to your feelings for me now but that’s a totally different thing to a full blown relationship that’s full of - you know - the sex.”
“You do know you just used ‘full blown’ and ‘sex’ in the same sentence, right?”
Chris threw a pillow at Zach’s head, narrowly missing him.”
“Shut up for Christ’s sake, I’m trying to be all serious and deep!”
“Now you’ve used ‘deep’. Deep, full blown sex - there’s just no helping you Pine, you have a dirty, dirty mind.”
Without warning Chris lunged at Zach and managed to wrap his arms around his head, letting loose a triumphant ‘aha!’ as he wrestled him onto the bed. Zach, not one to surrender without a fight proceeded to grab Chris around the middle. Locked in this deadly struggle for survival, the toasted sandwiches were left to cool by the unloved mugs of tea until finally, releasing his hold on Zach; Chris brought their lips together in a clash of teeth and skin.
“You know,” panted Chris between kisses, “I really should be doing something constructive with the rest of today... like re-grouting the bathroom... tiles or cleaning out... the oven or... checking the oil in my car.”
Zach tried to muffle his laughter in the stubble of Chris cheek.
“You don’t do any of those things, Pine. That’s why your car keeps breaking down for a start.”
“Eh, what can I say? There are more things in this life, Zachary than are dreamt of in a mechanics’ philosophy.”
“That is the worst attempt at Shakespearean quotation that I have ever heard, bar none. Your degree should be ashamed of you.”
“Oh shut up and keep kissing me before I start quoting Robert Frost.”
Zach complied with ease.
An hour later, Chris shot upright, shaking Zach out of the light doze he’d been in.
“Shit, look at the time! I need to be at a read through at nine in the morning tomorrow.”
Zach flexed his arms as they stretched above his head.
“It’s only five in the afternoon now, Chris. I think you’ll make it if you run really fast.”
“Shut uuuup,” groaned Chris as he shoved his face into the pillow. “With everything that’s been going on, I’ve barely looked at the damn script. I need to get home and find it, first thing then I should probably try to find some clean clothes - when did I last do a wash?”
“You going all domestic on me now, Pine?” Zach teased.
Chris shuddered melodramatically.
“No man, you have no idea how bad my place looks at the moment. It’s like Godzilla and King Kong had an epic punch up all through my house and then barfed all over it.”
Zach winced at the mental imagery that provoked.
“Dude. Seriously. I did not need that level of disgusting detail, even if it is metaphorical.”
Chris just stuck his tongue out in response and went to get up, wrapping one of the bed sheets around him as he did.
“D’you remember where my pants ended up?”
Zach was solemn as he tried to recall.
“Fell behind the dresser, I think.”
“Oh yeah,” sing-songed Chris as he peered into the darkness behind the furniture. “Here they are.”
Zach was still in the bed, a lone figure in the massive expanse of softness. The remaining sheets were pooled around his waist and he was carefully examining his fingernails.
“You could stay for dinner? Stay the night?”
Chris turned back to Zach slowly, his jeans hanging limply from one hand.
“I... We’ve spent almost all day in bed and... it was great and everything don’t get me wrong. That thing you can do with your legs and that vibrating thing with your throat? All just... amazing but I think I need to get back into my own space a little bit, you know? Figure out where my head’s at; get into the right frame of mind for tomorrow. If I stay here,” Chris walked back to the bed and sat down by Zach, tilting his head up with his hand. “I’ll get distracted and tomorrow will be a complete disaster, much like the last few weeks have been.”
Zach tried to meet his eyes but couldn’t. This is good, he willed himself to think. This is so much more than you could have expected from him. Don’t ruin it by being too needy.
“Sounds like a plan, my man. Can’t have you screwing up a Hollywood blockbuster.”
“’Zif I would,” scoffed Chris. “I could be absolute shit and I’d still be the best thing in the room. I’m just that charismatic.”
A playful shove and Chris resumed getting dressed, eventually wandering into the lounge room to find his shirt. Zach listened to the silence - his bedroom was his own again and that wasn’t quite good enough any more. By the time he got out of bed and found his own pants, Chris was at the back door, saying goodbye to Noah, as Harold wound his way around his feet. He straightened as Zach came into the room and then, as they stood facing each other across the space it finally became awkward.
“Well. So. I’ll see you soon then?” Asked Zach, trying so hard to sound casual and unconcerned.
“Sure,” replied Chris, hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched forwards, “tomorrow’s pretty much all tied up with the movie’s pre-production stuff but the day after, maybe?”
Zach just nodded mutely in agreement. Would setting an hour to meet sound too desperate? How about a mealtime, instead? Would that be general enough?
“You could swing round for dinner then? We could have a proper meal and bitch about how annoying your co stars are going to be.”
Chris half smiled in the long shadows of the early evening.
“Sure! It’s a date.”
They both flinched at the unconscious slip but it was for very different reasons.
“Uh I’ll see you then... then,” said Chris before he bounded out the front door into the dead light of the end of the day and Zach didn’t quite know what do with himself, in the quiet of the house.
It felt like weeks since Zach had seen him but he tried not to let it show on his face. He was also an hour late but his breathless apology - a kiss as soon as the door was closed - let Zach forgive him instantaneously.
“I brought wine with me,” said Chris. “It’s ah, er - not sure what it is actually but it was ridiculously expensive so it should be good.”
Zach just smiled and took the bottle into the kitchen as Chris hung his jacket up next to the front door.
“So,” Zach called out from the kitchen, “what do you feel like eating?”
“Dunno,” Chris replied as he perused Zach’s CD collection, his fingers trailing over their spines. “What do you feel like?”
Zach loved and hated this part. For as long as he had known Chris, they had never been able to make a decision on food in less than twenty minutes. Even the Craft Services tables had been the feature of debate - Zach arguing the merits of a salad roll over whatever it was that lay in wait within the pastry shells of the hot food.
“How about something light, like... sushi? Or a nice Thai salad?”
Chris made a rude noise from the other room and Zach rolled his eyes - he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
“No, I want something with a little more substance to it. How about a nice couple of steaks from that new place, they deliver don’t they?”
“Urgh, not steak. Totally not in the mood for steak. How about a curry?”
“Yeah,” laughed Chris, “we could scare each other off with our garlic breath.”
“Okay, so not curry. We’re running out of options!”
“Pizza?”
“Too bready. Fish?”
“Too fishy. Soup?”
“Soup? Where are we going to get soup from?” scoffed Zach. “And anyway, I thought you wanted something substantial.”
“Fine. Burgers then, how about burgers?”
Zach poked his head around the door and glared squintily at Chris.
“Fast food or gourmet?”
“Gourmet, of course. Nothing so unrefined as fast food for Zachary Quinto’s delicate palate.”
“I’m very careful about what I eat,” replied Zach sniffily.
“Whatever,” drawled Chris with a smile. “So, yes to burgers? We’ve actually decided?”
“Burgers it is. I’ll ring and see if they deliver.”
Zach moved into the lounge room and reached for the phone.
Twenty minutes later and the gourmet meal was delivered, complete with separate portions of pickles. They ate in silence for the most part, preferring the kitchen table to the over formality of the dining one. Half way into the bottle of wine and they finally began to move off the topics of weather and general news. Half a bottle later again and they moved onto Zach’s stash of spirits and liqueurs - Chris demanding to try a bit of every strange alcoholic concoction, exclaiming over a peach something or other and hastily abandoning a blueberry one.
Eventually they reached a point where it was decided that sitting on chairs was not nearly as fun as sprawling on the floor of the kitchen. After amending this decision to include the lounge room floor, which was warmer, Zach ran his hand clumsily down the back of Chris’ neck, trying to remember why he was allowed to do this.
“I wanna go for a walk,” Chris announced abruptly.
Standing suddenly and then swaying, Chris reached a hand down to Zach and dragged him up, heading for the front door.
“Isn’t it a little late for a walk,” asked Zach but Chris wasn’t listening.
It was warm outside and the darkness engulfed the pair as Chris stepped onto the street, pulling Zach behind him like a recalcitrant puppy.
“C’mon, walk with me!”
Zach had no idea where they were going but Chris had purpose in his stride and they were heading... somewhere. The streets lights illuminated them in fluorescent glory every minute or so like recurring spotlights until Zach heard the murmur of voices that slowly resolved into the convincing sound of a nightclub. This couldn’t have been where Chris was originally heading but the persistent thrum of a beat, the swirl of people with their talk and laughter and glitter pulled Chris in, and Zach had no choice but to follow. Looking back, Zach tried to understand why neither of them had thought to let go of the other’s hand but at the time, Chris’ hand in his was his only lifeline as the storm of people engulfed them and Chris star-powered them past the bouncers with the barest pause. Now they were heading for the bar and Zach’s head kept trying to tell him something, perhaps that they - Chris in particular had drunk enough tonight.
“Two beers!” Chris shouted at the bartender, letting go of Zach’s hand before spinning rather drunkenly back to him and mussing his hair with one hand, his eyes shining with whatever it was that was driving him. The more energised Chris became, the more Zach pulled back, worried about something that the drink had muffled too much to recall in all this noise.
Chris nearly skulled his drink when it arrived but Zach only sipped at his.
“Dance with me!” Chris shouted in Zach’s ear and Zach jerked away but Chris’s hand was on his forearm and the look in his eyes was... predatory.
The music was made up of basic dance mixes but there was something dark about the deeper chords that ran through the songs, something that made you think of night-black water on naked skin. It seemed to suit Chris perfectly - his smile dark-lit and all for Zach. His arms came around him as they found a place on the crowded dance floor and slowly slid down his back until they wrapped lazily around his ass. Chris’ face was inches away from Zach’s and he could feel his breath as it mingled with the heat of the club’s air. He tried not to look at Chris’ eyes as he placed his own hands around his shoulders - his eyes weren’t right and Zach didn’t want to be here anymore, amongst all this noise - he wanted to be alone with Chris at home, watching some black and white movie on the couch with the blond nestled in his arms. He wasn’t sure what this was, what Chris was trying to prove.
“Let’s go home!” Zach shouted but Chris just shook his head, turning it into a laugh that competed with the music for dominance. The music deepened and the beat ricocheted around Zach’s head until only Chris was keeping him standing. The people around them blurred into a mass of writhing bodies and flashing lights and Zach had to close his eyes, opening them sharply when he felt Chris lean in and kiss him passionately, with all the heightened emotion of the drunk. Zach tried to back off but Chris wouldn’t take no for an answer, surging forward as Zach backed off, until they ran out of space and each of them grabbed for the other, desperately searching for purchase on their bodies.
When they had recovered, Chris slumped against Zach’s chest, chuckling deeply, the reverberations shivering into Zach’s body. Zach used both hands to tilt Chris’ head up to him.
“Home, Chris,” he mouthed and Chris nodded slowly, his mirth fading away with the song, replaced with something more sober.
They made it outside with little trouble and Zach borrowed a girl’s phone to call a cab, in exchange for an autograph. Mercifully, the cab was quick and Zach bundled Chris into the back before following him in. Chris was asleep by the time they reached his house and Zach didn’t have a key so it was back to Zach’s and a good ten minutes trying to get a near unconscious Chris in the front door and on into the bedroom.
“If you chuck on those clean sheets, Pine I’ll kill you,” he whispered but Chris was far-gone, blue eyes hidden behind heavy lids.
Slipping off his shoes and shirt, he tucked Chris into bed feeling absurdly like his mother. Zach changed into a pair of slacks and slipped in beside Chris, being careful not to touch him and roughly bunching his pillow up around his head. He closed his eyes and tried to will himself to sleep but all he could see was that wolf-like look on Chris’ face at the club and the way that he had kissed Zach’s breath away on the dance floor.
---------------------------------------
Zach didn’t get to sleep in for very long the next morning. Between Chris’ groans of pain as he tried to shut out the world with his pillow and the incessantly ringing phone, Zach gave it up as a lost cause and stumbled into the lounge room to pick up the phone.
It wouldn’t have made a difference to anything had he not picked it up but he still wishes like hell that he hadn’t.
“Hello?”
“Zach? Oh Zach thank Christ for that, I’ve been trying to call you for the last fifteen minutes!”
“Sarah?”
It was Zach’s agent, who knew very well that early mornings were off limits unless there was a dire emergency - a dire, career threatening emergency.
“Yeah,” A sigh over the line and the sound of someone shuffling in their chair. “Okay, I found an envelope waiting for me this morning when I got into the office. It was hand delivered, which makes me think that these are recent and... I dunno whether that makes things better or worse to be honest.”
Zach scratched his face tiredly.
“Look, Sarah it’s... what time is it anyway? Doesn’t matter. It’s early, too early for this obtuse bullcrap - just tell me what the problem is.”
“You’re out,” Zach’s vision flashed to white for the smallest moment. “Or at least, you’re about to be outed,” Sarah continued. “And not just you, it looks like this is a two for one deal.”
“Chris?” Zach whispered so softly it was hardly a question.
“Chris,” Sarah replied.
He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there but somehow he was on the floor, the bristles of the carpet biting into the soft skin of his ankles and the tops of his feet.
“Zach? Are you still there?”
He managed to make some sound of assent and Sarah continued, every word drilling deeper and deeper into Zach’s body, reaching bone and heart so quickly.
“They’re pictures of you kissing in a club of some sort. Now, after last month’s... expose on Chris’ apparent infidelity the tabs... they’re going to have a field day, Zach. This is going to go nuclear.”
“Is...” Zach had to stop and find his voice. “Is there any way to protect Chris from this? Can’t it just be me?”
“No, I’m sorry Zach. The photos have both of you in them and your faces are easily recognisable, even in the club lighting. They’ll use them in connection with Chris’ recent scandal to boost the story. All we can do now is go into damage control, for both of you. Chris’ agent contacted me a half hour ago - he has the same photos on his desk but... he can’t seem to get in touch with Chris.”
Zach wandered over to the coat stand and rummaged around in Chris’ jacket until he found his phone; still on vibrate from last night, with twelve missed calls waiting.
“Yeah he’s um, with me. The photos will be from last night. Chris... we had a little too much to drink and went out clubbing. I just... we didn’t think about it.”
Another sigh over the phone.
“A little heads up about this would have been nice, Zach.”
“For fuck’s sake, Sarah, I don’t even know what’s going on. It’s all been a little sudden. Two days ago there would have been nothing to tell you.”
“Fine, fine. Look, you and Chris need to come in for a meeting with Chris’ agent and myself. How about twelve? I’ll contact Patrick.”
“Okay,” Zach replied, his mind already racing frantically ahead, trying to find a way to break this to Chris.
As he headed back into the bedroom, he heard the sound of rushing water and realized that Chris must be in the shower. This was good; this gave him time to figure out how to phrase this. Ten minutes later as the water shut off, he still had no idea of what to say.
“Urgh, my head feels like it’s been smashed between two brick walls.”
“Wait till you hear what I have to say,” Zach muttered.
“Huh?”
“Ah, Chris just… sit down for a minute will you?”
“Sit down, are you kidding?! I’m soaking wet - I can think of better ways to muss up your sheets.”
Chris’ cheeky grin didn’t last long as Zach’s bleak look remained unbroken.
“Shit. What is it?”
“How much do you remember of last night?”
“Chris scrunched his eyes up in concentration.
“Uh, I remember going clubbing, I think. Maybe a little dancing?”
“Along with a little kissing?”
“What?”
“You kissed me, Chris. Right there on the dance floor. And now my agent is ringing me telling me that she and Patrick both have copies of photos showing that spontaneous event.”
Chris joined Zach on the bed, his hands clasped between his legs as the water dripped steadily from his hair, staining the bedspread a darker colour.
“Can they stop it?”
“No,” replied Zach quietly.
Chris abruptly stood again, one hand holding his towel together around his waist and began to pace the room.
“What do we do?”
“Sarah’s arranged for a meeting at twelve. We go and... we see how much we can minimise this. Sarah’s not very hopeful on that front either.”
“Jesus,” said Chris as he stood at the curtains. “I don’t even remember doing it. Why would I be so stupid?!”
Zach ignored the twinge of pain that brought and levelled his gaze at Chris’ naked back.
“I don’t know. You were pretty drunk and kind of... manic.”
“This was such a bad idea.”
Zach was very careful to check that his voice worked before replying.
“What do you mean?”
“I said I didn’t want a relationship yet, Zach! I’m not sure how I feel about this whole thing. The last thing I want right now is for the whole fucking world to know about it. I’m not gay Zach! I’m not. I like women, scratch that, I love women. Before you, I’d never even looked at a guy that way. But you were always there, in my periphery, always available, always concerned. Then I get vulnerable and... there it is.”
“Zach was shaking but it wasn’t hurt now, it was anger.
“No. You don’t get to use that as a fucking emotional playing card. We talked about this and you said, you promised that this was more than just loneliness and - and desperation on your part!”
“I was not desperate! I just wasn’t in my right mind!”
“So what was all of this then?” Zach asked bitterly. “Yesterday, last night, dinner, that kiss? Still out of your mind, were you? Because you seemed pretty level headed to me.”
Chris pursed his lips, ready to retaliate. Then he sighed instead, letting his whole body slump forwards.
“What are we going to do, Zach? This can’t happen. My career...”
“And mine,” Zach added abruptly.
Chris’ eyes flashed dark.
“You know this is going to affect my career more than yours, Quinto.”
“Oh, we’re back to last names are we? Well then, Pine you might be Hollywood’s quintessential blue eyed boy but that doesn’t make this any more catastrophic for you compared to me! And if you want to start playing the blame game, there is no way that I would’ve dragged us out to a club and then started tonguing you in front of God knows who. I would have been happy to just stay home... with you!”
Zach wondered when his anger had bled into pleading but it didn’t matter - Chris’ face softened into empathy before he lowered it into his hands. Zach got up slowly and walked over to him, so aware of his presence that he could have traced Chris’ outline in the dark.
“Let’s just... go to this meeting and see where things are at. If we need to face the press in order to outmanoeuvre the story, then that’s what we’ll do - make sure that it’s on our terms as much as possible.”
Hands on Chris’ arms and Zach could smell the heady scent of his own shampoo in Chris’ hair.
“I feel like my whole life has been ripped out of my hands, Zach. Everything was so right a few months ago. Now... I don’t want to share this with anyone. It’s the only thing I still had a say in, that I still had some control over.”
Chris sighed and dropped his head on Zach’s shoulder.
“I’m so over this.”
For a moment, Zach thought that he meant them but only for a moment - it wasn’t their relationship that he was referring to. And it was in moments like this that Zach felt the same way.
The meeting had gone as predicted and Zach’s suggestion of beating the media to it and making a joint statement was met with approval. No one said it but at this stage, it was that or let the photos be published and that would create a far less manageable catastrophe.
The magazine that had a hold of the photos had agreed not to publish them if they were given first rights to an official photo shoot at some later date. It seemed a good deal and Zach had the sneaking suspicion that they were hesitant to forge ahead and publish the photos without their consent - being sued was always a constant possibility in Hollywood.
And so it was that Zach and Chris found themselves at Chris’ house sitting in silence by the hum of the fridge while they waited for the wave of post-statement hysteria to come crashing down on their heads. It didn’t take long before the first cameraman appeared outside Chris’ front gate. Then another and another until Zach started to entertain the idea of hiding under a blanket and never coming out again.
As the shuffling murmur of the group outside continued, Zach spared a glance at Chris, who was sitting next to him, as tense as a fox with the scent of hound in its nostrils. He jerked when Zach gently closed his hand over his, before sending a shaky smile back and squeezing Zach’s hand.
They made dinner and Zach wondered if Noah was sleeping on the couch at home - such an absurd thought to have at a time like this that it almost made him laugh. The murmurs from outside changed as the light faded, becoming more intense.
“Shh!” said Chris suddenly. “Can you hear that?”
Zach cocked his head and tried to hear anything that hadn’t been present moments before.
“No... Just the paps out the front.”
Chris shook his head violently.
“That’s who I mean! I know they’re waiting somewhere out there, waiting for both of us and now we can’t go back to how things were before. They all think I’m gay - my whole life is going to be pored over, scavenged for hints and signs that might have revealed what I ‘am’. Fuck! As if it’s always who I was, who I’ll always be.”
Chris eyes were almost sky blue with emotion.
“I knew who I was a week ago, a month ago. I knew exactly where I fitted. Now? Some fucker with camera and no fucking conscience gets to dictate who I am.”
“Chris!” Zach urged. “It doesn’t matter what ‘they’ think - what do they know? I know that this? This is real and that matters more to me than whatever happens out there,” Zach waved his hand dismissively at the front windows.
“It may have been earlier than we’d have liked but odds are the tabs would have eventually found out about this. If you’re here, all the rest is just white noise to me.”
He ran his hands gently over Chris’ spiky hair.
“You may not be ‘gay’ but you don’t have to be to make this special. You don’t need to conform to their labels.”
Zach leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the curve of Chris’ ear.
“Just make your own,” he whispered.
Part Seven