Am Alive!
Seriously, I am alive. Just... borderline depressed. Just made it through Mother's Day with no mother. I tried my hardest not to think of it. Too hard. Apparently the Happy Mother's Day voicemail I left for Grandmom, I said Happy Birthday instead. O.o! Looked at flowers, dedicated them to Mom. Asked her if she was happy now. Didn't get a reply, but I wasn't expecting one. Sometimes when I'm alone, when I end up thinking about how she tried to teach me to cook, how to use the washing machine, the things she taught me in childhood before she started to show the problems... I swear I feel her hugs. We had this little game in the summers, when it was too hot to hug because everyone was sticky and sweaty and just icky. You'd 'hug their aura'. Just wrap your arms around them, two inches off. I think I've mentioned that before, maybe have, maybe not. Yet I swear she's giving me hugs. That sort of warm feeling of comfort and love coming from outside my skin is something she was good at before she got sick. I feel kinda guilty about it, if she's having to leave her rest to comfort me, really. Being a Catholic here, I'd feel guilty over anything. Don't ask. Just, don't ask. It's convoluted and strange and I know it, and I've got a paper-journal that's soaking up the stuff.
The userpic is of a bench in our garden, one where when the weather was nice, Mom would sit with a book, and read. The bench looks rather sad and lonely without her in this sunny and gorgeous weather. -sigh- I think I'll go play in the garden some. The roses look like they need fertilizer, and we bought a hibiscus that needs planting. There's some pansies that need planting as well, and some marigolds. Plus the one flower bed needs 'critter ridder' applied, as the dogs and cat insist on sleeping on top of the daylillies. -sigh-.
The userpic is of a bench in our garden, one where when the weather was nice, Mom would sit with a book, and read. The bench looks rather sad and lonely without her in this sunny and gorgeous weather. -sigh- I think I'll go play in the garden some. The roses look like they need fertilizer, and we bought a hibiscus that needs planting. There's some pansies that need planting as well, and some marigolds. Plus the one flower bed needs 'critter ridder' applied, as the dogs and cat insist on sleeping on top of the daylillies. -sigh-.