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What should I do when my grade-schooler comes home from school with things that don't belong to him?
Expert Answers
Jerry Wyckoff, psychologist and special education administrator
By grade school, kids understand boundaries and know better than to take things that don't belong to them. Even so, a child this age may help himself to something if he wants it badly enough or if he thinks that having it will help him in some way (one child I know, for instance, stole the pencil of the best writer in class because he thought it would help his own penmanship).
If you catch your grade-schooler red-handed, make it clear to him that it's not okay to take something that doesn't belong to him. Friends are very important at this age, so point out that taking things can damage his friendships. Don't label him a thief or focus on his stealing, though. Instead, tell him you're concerned about how his teachers and friends will feel about him if he's taking their things.
After you've discussed the issue with your grade-schooler, ask him to return the item and apologize. Have him do something for the person he's wronged, too. He could help his teacher in the classroom during recess, for example, or bring a special treat to share or a small item to give to the friend he's taken something from. It's important for your child to understand that he's done something wrong and that he needs to make amends.
If you suspect that he's taking things on a regular basis, monitor the situation carefully. Ask him where the yo-yo in his backpack came from, for instance. If he says his friend gave it to him, check up on his story. Inventory his room and make sure that new acquisitions are legitimate. Stealing is one behavior you don't want to let slide. If your grade-schooler continues to steal despite your efforts to teach him otherwise, seek professional advice; he may have an underlying problem he needs help with.
Why grade-schoolers tease
Like it or not, teasing is a fact of life - or at least of life before adulthood. Sooner or later, all kids learn that words can be powerful - and as you've probably found, this is likely to happen sooner rather than later.
Despite her seeming maturity, your grade-schooler's social skills are still emerging. Her peers are more important than ever, and at the same time she's trying to discover who she is. "During the early elementary years, kids often tease others in an effort to gain the approval of their peers or to point out perceived flaws and differences to bolster their own self-esteem," says Debbie Glasser Schenck, the director of Family Support Services at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Grade-schoolers tend to zero in on particular attributes, such as wearing glasses or weighing a few extra pounds.
Your grade-schooler may also tease because it's the way she's been taught - however inadvertently - to relate to others. If her family, peers, siblings, or favorite television shows model sarcasm, put-downs, and lack of respect as normal, acceptable behavior, it's no surprise that she mimics it. And most kids find themselves on both ends of teasing - the teaser and the teased - at one time or another.
What to do when your grade-schooler gets teased
You can't do much to prevent other kids from teasing your child, but you can teach her how to cope with biting comments:
Feel her pain. Acknowledge that it hurts to be teased. Let your child know that you understand - "It makes you mad when Ellie calls you a klutz, doesn't it?" - and suggest that she tell Ellie that she hurt her feelings. Also encourage her to spend time with kids who like her and who make her feel good.
Coach her. Tell your grade-schooler that while she can't control what other kids say, she can decide how she wants to react. Ask her if she has ideas about how to deal with the teasing, and help her explore her options. You might try some role playing - with you playing your youngster and her acting as her tormentor. If she says, "Hannah, you're such a goody-goody," for instance, you might reply, "I don't like to be called names. I'm going to play with someone else today."
Or you could teach her to deprive a bully of the response she's seeking. If teasing doesn't get a rise out of your youngster, then it won't allow her tormentor to feel powerful or to have fun at your child's expense. Your grade-schooler can either focus on whatever activity she was involved in when the teasing started, or simply walk away.
You might also teach her to meet the barbs head-on. She could say, "No, I'm not a very fast runner. But I can jump really far," or "Yes, I am good at math. That was the only problem I missed on the test." She could also deflect a taunt by complimenting her teaser - "I like your shoes better, too!" Her adversary may be so caught off guard by this approach that she drops her line of attack.
Teach her to ask for help. It takes a lot of maturity to let teasing roll off your back, so don't always expect a stiff upper lip from your grade-schooler. If she's really upset about being teased at school - especially if it's relentless - she (and you) need to talk to her teacher about the situation. "A teacher can support your child in the classroom by promoting positive social skills and helping her develop a broad range of friendships," says Schenck. If she's having a particularly challenging time because of the teasing, seek professional support.
Don't practice what you're preaching against. Perhaps the teasing that so upsets your grade-schooler doesn't come from classmates, but from you - and you may not even realize it. Affectionate joshing is a wonderful way to nurture a sense of humor, but let your child be the guide. If she doesn't react well, perhaps the subject matter has hit a nerve. Don't joke with her about an issue she's struggling with, such as her weight or a nervous habit like nail biting - which will only shame her. And never be harsh: No name-calling (even if it's meant affectionately) or snickering allowed. Perhaps the most important rule is not to razz your child in public. Calling her "my little piggy" or "pudding face" in front of her pals is guaranteed to make her cringe. By observing limits when you tease, you'll show your child how to clown around in a way that doesn't hurt people.
Don't overreact. Although it upsets you to hear taunts escape your child's lips, keep your cool and resist the urge to cut her down to size. Remember, she's probably looking for a reaction. "You may inadvertently reinforce teasing by overreacting to the words you hear," says Schenck. Respond by calmly letting her know that using hurtful words bruises others' feelings, and by reminding her how it feels to be excluded or teased by others.
Emphasize empathy. Whatever the reason for her taunts, talking to your grade-schooler about the effects of her behavior helps her put herself in another person's shoes. So remind her that she'd feel bad if someone said she was too loud or too short, for instance. Let her know that it's fine to notice when someone looks different, but it's not okay to mention it within their earshot. Stress that how a person looks doesn't indicate anything about who they are. And be sure to refrain from making negative comments yourself about another person's appearance.
Reduce the rivalry at the root of the teasing. If your grade-schooler's teasing her brother, it may not mean that she's angry or upset with him, merely that she wants more of your attention. To discourage her taunts, make sure your firstborn has plenty of one-on-one time with you. If she's picking on her little brother, for instance, try to turn that around by enlisting her help in caring for him instead (don't rely on her too much, though, which can lead to resentment). Remind her that she's a big kid who knows games she can teach him. Talk about what she liked as a small child - playing peekaboo or hearing a silly song - and encourage her to entertain her sibling the same way. Being able to make him laugh will make her feel useful and important, and not feeling that way is probably what was behind her teasing in the first place. (For more tips, check out our article on sibling rivalry.)
Moving beyond threats (ages 6 to 8)
by Dorothy Foltz-Gray
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
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Highlights
Why it happens
What to do
Why it happens
Sometimes an evil alien invades my body, pushing me to commit regrettable acts. I know this because last week I howled at my son Matthew: "If you don't keep the cedar shavings off the floor, the hamsters will have to go!" This broke his heart. It did nothing to clean up the cedar shavings.
Like most parents, when I'm feeling powerless or exasperated, I sometimes pepper my two sons with threats. I picture Matthew's room teeming with hamsters and sawdust, and my frustration erupts in cliches: Clean it up or...or...or else! There's got to be a better way.
There is. Although threats may be one of the most frequently used weapons in your discipline arsenal, they're hardly an effective or loving way to spur action or teach responsibility. Yet from time to time, we all fall back on threats, often absurd ones that leave us feeling foolish and the problem unresolved.
Getting out of the threat rut isn't easy. There are some creative alternatives, though. When you find yourself tempted to tyrannize, these six strategies may help turn threatening moments into nurturing ones.
What to do
Give choices. The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion. "Threats are a message of distrust," says Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. "Your child hears, 'You can't be trusted to control yourself, so I'm going to control you.'"
Giving choices, on the other hand, puts your grade-schooler in charge, preventing fruitless and stressful stalemates. Instead of saying, "If you don't turn your boom box down, I'll take it away," say, "Hey, that hurts my ears. So would you rather listen to something a little less raucous, or take it in your room?" Participating in this type of decision-making teaches her to think for herself and to assume responsibility for her actions. Talk to your grade-schooler and say, "We have a problem. How can we solve it?" That way, the situation becomes you and your grade-schooler against a problem, instead of you against your grade-schooler.
Follow through. Another drawback of using threats is that they're often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute. "If you can't follow through," says St. Louis family therapist Evonne Weinhaus, coauthor of Stop Struggling With Your Child, "you're going to appear spineless, and your kid will trample you."
Suppose that night after night your grade-schooler can't tear herself away from her neighborhood buddies to come in for dinner. You tell her, "If you're late for dinner again, you can't play outside tomorrow night!" Chances are she won't take you seriously, and the nightly struggle will continue unabated. Instead, change your behavior. Say: "I'm going to close the kitchen at 6:30, so if you get hungry later, you'll have to eat your dinner cold." That's something you can follow through on, and when you do, she'll probably be at the table on time - at least for a week or two afterward.
Reverse a threat. Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. Often the words are already out of your mouth before you realize how ridiculous they sound. When this happens, there's nothing wrong with rewinding the tape and trying again. Imagine, for instance, you're grocery shopping when your grade-schooler starts throwing junk-food item after junk-food item in the cart, ignoring your requests to stop. Finally, you get so frustrated that you threaten to make her leave and sit in the car alone.
Think better of resorting to this kind of threat. If it's too late, tell your grade-schooler, "I made a mistake. If you can't follow my rules in the store, I better take you home where someone can watch you while I shop, and I'll give you a chance to try again soon." This response - to replace a hollow threat with a solution that gives your child a second chance - is a sensible approach. After all, every parent blows it once in a while. The important thing is to go back and talk about what happened. Use it as a learning opportunity between you and your grade-schooler.
Set clear expectations. Grocery trips are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. To avoid this scenario, prepare your grade-schooler before you head to the store. Tell her how you expect her to behave. Explain, for instance, that you'd like her to help you track down the items you need. When you arrive at the store, ask her what you'd like her to do. When she answers, "Help you find things," congratulate her on her good memory. Then ask her to find an item or two in each aisle. This makes shopping seem like a treasure hunt and gives the errand a positive spin from the get-go.
Of course, it doesn't always work that way. You get to the store, and not only does your shopping companion refuse to help you find things, but she also has a fit when you won't buy the sugary cereal she's been begging for. What then? On the way there, when you tell your grade-schooler how you expect her to behave, also explain what'll happen if she doesn't cooperate. Tell her, "If you help me find the things we need, you can pick the cereal you like. If you don't help me, we'll have to go home without any cereal." If your grade-schooler still refuses to cooperate, stand firm and invoke the consequence you've talked about.
Keep cool, think positive. Staying calm and confident might sound like a tall order, but it can make a big difference. One reason threats often fail to control your grade-schooler is that they whip up emotions rather than defuse them. When Jennifer Chin-Alfers and Jay Alfers of Novi, Mich., used threats to discipline their daughter, Andi, 6, and son, Ian, 4, for instance, the friction only got worse. "If I asked them to do something and they didn't do it, I'd start yelling," Jay says. "Or we'd threaten to take away a privilege, like being with friends. But then a lot of the time we wouldn't follow through."
Your grade-schooler is more apt to learn how to behave if you give her constant, positive reinforcement. So consider using a reward system to help her overcome a major challenge. If she's in and out of bed like a jack-in-the-box every evening, for instance, put a star on a special calendar for each night that she stays put. When she's racked up a week's worth of stars, reward her with a small toy or a special outing. She may still struggle with sleeping alone, but this method is more likely to lead to success than you ranting and raving.
Reconsider the situation. As we all know, sometimes the best-laid plans fail miserably - and in that case, maybe it's your expectation, not your grade-schooler's behavior, that's out of line. You may need to examine what you're asking of her. If she's been cooped up all day and really needs a chance to unwind, for instance, it's not a good idea to take her to a restaurant where she has to sit still.
So maybe a mother who finds herself in a sea of hamster sawdust needs to rethink the menagerie instead of making threats. Is it possible for my son Matthew to take care of his cat, his rabbit, his turtle, and his eight hamsters without feeling overwhelmed? Well, once we both talked about it, Matthew and I agreed that maybe a pared-down household would be more fun than a grouchy Mama shouting, "Or else!"
And if I do threaten now and then, I try to cut myself some slack - after all, every parent goes over the top occasionally. It isn't one or two threats but your everyday approach to your grade-schooler that matters most. If you're always on a tirade, always critical, you're wasting chances to have gratifying interactions with her. You're faced with many challenges as a parent, but if you handle them gracefully, the majority of your interactions with your child will be positive ones.
How to help your child make friends
by Kate Rauch
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Becky Hughes remembers when her son William was in preschool and seemed to be a bit of a loner. He played well by himself, drawing elaborate pictures and poring over books, but tended to be shy and somewhat awkward around other children. "Everybody has a public mask on around new people for a while," says Hughes, who lives in Seattle. "His stayed on a little longer than usual."
Now an energetic 12-year-old, William is still reserved with other children - at first. But through the years his mother has taken great care to find ways to help and encourage him to make friends. And at every age William has ended up with some real pals.
If your young child has difficulty interacting with other kids, you can help, too, and it will be worthwhile. Playing with friends is an important way for children to learn social rules such as sharing and taking turns. It's also fun.
The key is taking small and gentle steps that encourage positive social interaction without being too pushy. You want to give your child opportunities for rewarding social experiences that will leave him wanting more rather than feeling pressured to do something he finds difficult. Your child may be shy or cautious by nature, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Rather than try to change your child's personality, you can help him stretch just enough to discover the joys of relationships with peers.
"William would mention somebody from school and I'd say, 'Do you want to have him over?'" says Hughes. If the answer was yes, she would call the child's parent and arrange a playdate. These informal get-togethers became the basis of Hughes's efforts to help William make friends.
Kimberly Sirl, a child psychologist at St. Louis Children's Hospital, says starting with someone whom your child seems to like is the way to go. You don't want to just pick someone out and expect your child to be friends with that person. "You really want to pay attention to your child's cues," Sirl says.
Playdates offer a shy child a starting block for a social life. A few guidelines can increase the odds that he'll have a good time. "If you promote a positive experience, your child is more likely to want to play again," says Dale Walker, a professor of child development at the University of Kansas. Here's what to do:
Keep playdates small. Start by inviting only one or two prospective pals to your house, preferably kids your child already knows. These children should be around your child's age, "if not a little older," says Walker. "The older child might initiate a little more."
Keep playdates short. Between one and two hours is plenty for children this young; you don't want to overstimulate them.
Plan ahead. Orient the playdate around games and activities your child enjoys and is good at. This will make him more comfortable and keep him feeling good about himself. "Maximize the positive interaction by making sure there are plenty of materials, so children have enough to play with and don't necessarily have to share right off," Walker says.
Get involved. Don't just leave the kids to play by themselves and hope for the best. Your guidance can make children feel more at ease with each other, especially if they're new friends. Make yourself available in case they run into conflicts, get distracted and stop playing together, or need a change of activity. Oversee art projects, games of hide-and-seek, or splashing in a wading pool. However, try not to dominate or fill in for your child; the idea is to help break the ice without taking control. "Mom or Dad can help get things going, then hang back once the kids get into a groove," Sirl says.
Get a schedule, then get going. To develop familiarity, try to arrange regular playdates with the same kids on a weekly basis. If things are going well, meet in a park or playground or at another child's house. If the playdates go really well and your child runs off independently to play with the others, try leaving him at someone else's house without you, first for a short time and then for longer periods.
Be a playdate yourself. Have regular playtimes with your child, just the two of you. This allows you to stimulate interaction while getting to know his playing style. "You can get a sense of where your child struggles and when it is easy for him," says Alison Ehara-Brown, a licensed clinical social worker who works with children and families in Berkeley, Calif. For example, if puzzles and games requiring lots of concentration do little more than frustrate your child, you'll want to leave them off your list of playdate activities.
Consider getting a pet. Some young children just aren't ready to play with peers. If your child clings to you and refuses to leave your side, consider adding a furry friend to the family. Playing with pets requires social interaction but is usually nonthreatening. "This can be a nice way for a child to feel safe and open up his feelings," Sirl says.
See how others do it. Watching videos or reading books about friends with your child is another low-key way to reinforce the positives of socializing.
Have your own friends over. Since young children pay close attention to what grown-ups do and often imitate their behavior, model for your child by having your friends over, especially in ways that include the younger generation. Have a double playdate with a friend who has children.
Try not to expect too much. Children play mostly side by side at this age, imitating each other rather than playing together directly. If your child feels pressure to do more than this, the best intentions can backfire. He is probably already feeling insecure around other kids, and pressure from Mom or Dad can fuel his insecurity. Your child may fear disappointing you, or the issue can become a power struggle. "Parents should never push very young children to play together; they have to be able to choose some things for themselves," Walker says. "There's a fine line there. You don't want to really push friendship, but you can certainly set the stage for it."
Get help if you sense a real problem. In most cases, shyness or difficulty making friends in early childhood is normal. But a few red flags could indicate that something else is going on. If your child rarely holds eye contact, is unusually withdrawn, throws tantrums or cries whenever other children are around, or seems terrified of going to school or the playground, talk to your pediatrician
Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?
by Sarah Henry
Last updated: June 2008
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Highlights
Spanking
Losing privileges
Time-outs
Grounding
Yelling
Forcing an apology
Put-downs
Your kid mouths off for the umpteenth time, and you've had it. Gone are your lofty notions of teachable moments. You yell, "Go to your room!" Moments later, as the words echo in your ear, you realize with a shock: I've become my mother.
You're not alone. The knee-jerk reaction when our kids misbehave is often to do exactly what we got as kids. The question is, do these old-school discipline tools stand the test of time?
We asked BabyCenter moms which of your parents' techniques you've used. Then we turned to a panel of experts to find out which are worth keeping in the discipline tool kit and which should be tossed in the trash.
Spanking
According to a BabyCenter poll, 85 percent of you were spanked as kids, and 69 percent of you do the same to your own children. A typical comment: "I was spanked when I deserved it. I think it kept me in line, and I spank my 2-year-old, too." Many parents say they only hit their child for downright dangerous behavior, like when a toddler runs into the street.
Some parents say a swat on the bottom is an effective discipline tool when all else fails - others call it child abuse. "I remember what I was wearing, how much she hit me, how I resisted, and the crying, pain, anger, and fear," writes one mom. "I do not remember the lesson or the deed."
What the experts say...
Toss it Spanking mostly shows that when you're bigger than someone it's okay to hit to show your anger or to hit to get your own way. The hurt, not the learning opportunity, becomes the message.
There are three good alternatives: isolation (like a time-out), deprivation (taking away a privilege), and reparation (where a child works to right a wrong before doing anything else). The goal is to get your child to think twice before making the same mistake.
- Carl Pickhardt, The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline
Toss it Spanking is a temporary solution that does more harm than good. It "works" because it's external control over a child, but it doesn't promote internal decision-making. It simply teaches children to behave - or else. Spanking causes many children to focus on the punishment rather than on their poor decision.
Spanking also has side effects. It's embarrassing, and that causes children to get angry or think about retaliation. Children who are frequently hit feel insecure. Many have poor self-esteem. Some withdraw. Others become excitable, overactive, and aggressive.
- Sal Severe, How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!
Toss it How are we going to teach our children it's not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? For 2- to 4-year-olds, lots of supervision along with distraction and redirection are better tools. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child it isn't safe to run into a busy street until he's developmentally ready to learn that lesson.
Some children will push and push until they get a spanking and then settle down. They've been conditioned not to settle down or cooperate until they're spanked. Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles, don't let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate.
Losing privileges
Taking away something fun is a widely used tool for today's parents, many of whom picked up the habit from their own parents. "When I was naughty, my parents were quick to take away TV time or outings with friends," says one mom, who now does the same with her own son. "He loses screen time, ice cream, or sleepovers for repeated misbehavior. But I often think he just gets mad, and I wonder if he really learns anything from the experience."
For today's parents, the idea of redemption plays an important role. "I almost always give my children the opportunity to earn back a privilege easily and quickly if they acknowledge their error," says another mom of three.
What the experts say...
Keep it Revoking privileges is helpful when used sparingly. Choose a restriction that's easy to enforce - like taking toys away or sending your child to bed early - so you follow through. Pick a restriction that impacts the offender and no one else. Don't punish yourself!
Tell your child why you're taking something away, and choose a punishment that fits the crime: If your child turns on the TV after you tell him not to, unplug it for the night.
A common mistake is taking away privileges for too long. A week or two can feel like forever to a child. And it can backfire: Kids can get angry and resentful, seek revenge, and a cycle of retaliation begins. Remember: You want to encourage your child to do better next time. The best way is with positive reinforcement. "Great job, you finished all your chores. Now you can play outside until dinner."
-Sal Severe
Keep it Removing privileges is an appropriate consequence for repeated offenses, so long as it's something your child really cares about. Otherwise, it's fruitless. Make sure to choose something you have control over - watching TV, playing video games, or riding a bike. Avoid choosing something where your child's absence negatively affects others, such as soccer practice or a band performance.
- Michele Borba, No More Misbehavin'
Toss it Punishment just invites defiance, rebellion, or low self-esteem. If your child breaks something during a tantrum, you could take TV away for a week. But that won't teach him anything.
Instead, find a way for him to replace or repair the item. That might mean earning the money - even small children can do simple chores - or taking the money out of his piggy bank or allowance. Or perhaps he can sit with you and glue the item back together. This and many other nonpunitive methods are respectful and teach a child important life skills.
- Jane Nelsen
Time-outs
Our parents may not have called it a time-out, but make no mistake, they used it. Does "Go to your room" ring a bell? The time-out continues to be a favorite for parents of 2-year-olds, 3- to 4-year-olds, kindergartners, and grade-schoolers. (Parents of younger children may discover the technique doesn't work well yet.)
But not all time-outs are created equal. Some readers report using gentler methods than their parents did. "I was locked in my room fairly often and pounded on the door for attention. I didn't find that particularly educational," says one mom.
Another says, "After a warning, my son is put on the bottom step and is told why he's in time-out. The idea is for him to think about the choice he made. When it's over, we discuss why he was put in time-out and what he could do differently."
What the experts say...
Keep it Time-outs are effective if the child calms down, then thinks and talks about what happened and what he could do differently from now on. The purpose of isolation is not to ostracize or reject a child but to separate him from a problem situation.
- Carl Pickhardt
Keep it Time-outs are appropriate when a child is immediately removed for misbehavior and asked to sit alone quietly to think about her actions. It can be very effective at helping aggressive kids calm down.
One caveat: Time-outs should be customized to the age and temperament of your child and the severity of the misbehavior. The simplest rule for kids 3 to 7: Time-out is one minute for each year of the child's age. Set a timer so the child knows how long she's expected to remain.
To be effective, you must teach a replacement behavior. After the time-out, ask your kid to draw or write what she did wrong - or simply talk it out, asking her, "What will you do next time?" Older kids can make a statement of intent - a drawing, sentence, or a few lines explaining how they plan to change their behavior.
- Michele Borba
Keep it Time-out is recommended when the purpose is positive: To give a child a chance to take a break for a short time and try again as soon as he feels better. This cooling-off period allows a child to "do" better because it gives him a chance to "feel" better. Since the term time-out has so many negative associations, you might ask your child to rename it, something like cooling-off spot or feel-good place.
For very young children, try taking a time-out together in a place that encourages calm and quiet. It may include cushions, a favorite stuffy, or a book to read.
Grounding
The term grounding may make you think of teenagers forced to stay home for breaking curfew. But this technique - really a form of losing privileges - is also used by parents of young children, who say they learned it from their own parents. "When my 3-year-old son talks back or is defiant, we'll sometimes say, 'We're not going to the park if you keep acting this way,'" says one mom.
Another mom, who endured groundings herself growing up, says, "When my son was 6, he was grounded for throwing rocks over the school fence onto parked cars. He didn't like it, I don't think I ever did either as a kid. But I never repeated the offense, and, to my knowledge, neither has he."
What the experts say...
Keep it Like losing privileges, groundings work if the child misses something he cares about - otherwise it's worthless. For grade-schooler groundings - which generally last one day - require your child to stay home and miss everything other than school, church, or any commitment where her absence would let others down (such as a swim meet or dance performance).
For a serious offense, many parents also pull all home privileges, such as TV, video games, and computer time. It's a waste of time grounding a 2- or 3-year-old, as they really don't understand the connection.
- Michele Borba
Keep it Most parents choose a grounding period that's too long. Extended periods can backfire, causing your child to feel persecuted or picked on and starting a negative retaliation cycle. You want to keep hope alive.
To give a child strong incentive to behave immediately, try this: Your 6-year-old has been restricted for six days. For each good day, a day of restriction is dropped from the end. (Clearly define what good day means: Do what you're asked to do. Speak in a pleasant tone. Be kind and polite to your sister.) You may want to draw a chart or mark the duration on a calendar so your child can cross off days and see his progress.
Keep in mind that you don't want a grounding to make everyone else in the family miserable, and if the grounding isn't realistically enforceable, it will be more difficult for you to follow through consistently.
- Sal Severe
Toss it Grounding has no place in a positive discipline approach to raising a child. Children don't have to suffer to learn. Grounding is a form of punishment where adults do something to a child. Instead, think about ways to solve a discipline problem with your child.
If your kids are constantly fighting, instead of grounding them, you might, after a cooling-off period alone in separate rooms, have them focus on ways to resolve the problem - taking turns, removing the object in dispute, or putting the issue on the family-meeting agenda. Unless safety is a concern, don't get involved or take sides, and have faith they can work it out.
Yelling
If you grew up in a house of screamers, chances are you turn up the volume on your kids too. And that describes most of us: 98 percent of 7-year-olds have been shouted at by their parents, according to the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire.
While no one is suggesting that the occasional angry outburst is damaging for life, there's evidence to suggest that constant yelling is as emotionally harmful to children as physical abuse.
So why do we bellow instead of staying mellow? We yell because we can, because we feel our children don't listen, because we're angry and lack other tools to call on in the moment, says Devra Renner, coauthor of Mommy Guilt, which calls yelling the number one guilt-inducer in moms of school-age children.
"A growing frustration is not being heard because our families are affixed to a screen of some sort," says Renner. "Parents are more inclined to yell if they're trying to talk to a distracted, screen-gazing kid."
What the experts say...
Toss it If you resort to yelling on a regular basis, you've created a cycle that's a trap. Your kids will wait for the yelling to make sure you mean business. Yelling actually reduces your influence by pushing you to more emotional intensity than the situation warrants - say, trying to convince your child to pick up his toys. It empowers your child: He knows he can upset you by delaying. It's self-defeating.
Instead, be relentless but not emotional. If you find yourself about to yell, take a break or have your partner step in. Backing off to cool off doesn't mean you're giving up for good.
- Carl Pickhardt
Toss it Upping the volume isn't the way to get what you want. Worse yet, the more frequent the yelling, the more often it has to be used to do the job. Your kid builds up a tolerance for yelling, so your pitch has to get louder, the frequency longer - and soon everyone is yelling just to be heard.
- Michele Borba
Toss it A raised, irritated, or angry voice sends the wrong message - loss of control. That's when kids are most likely to test you, because they realize you're hooked and beginning to dance. Instead, your tone should convey that you're firm, in control, respectful, and resolute. State your expectations in a matter-of-fact way with your regular speaking voice.
Your actions will convey your message more powerfully than words spoken loudly, so be prepared to take action immediately if your child continues to misbehave. Instead of hollering "turn the TV off" for the third time, simply switch it off yourself.
Forcing an apology
You want your child to be polite, but does a grudgingly muttered "sorry" really help? Or does it just serve to shame and embarrass your child in public? Still, who among us wasn't prodded into apologies for sparring with siblings, insulting friends, and being just a little too honest about that boring gift from Grandma? If you've spent any time hanging out near a sandbox lately, you know that the forced apology is still much mumbled on playgrounds nationwide.
What the experts say...
Toss it A forced apology isn't appropriate at any age. All a parent is doing is teaching a child to lie. If a child isn't sorry but a parent forces him to apologize, that's just about making a parent feel better - it has nothing to do with a child learning empathy.
Instead, parents need to help a child make a connection before a correction. First ask, "What happened?" Then, "How do you think Sammy felt when you took his toy away?" Once the child has had a chance to consider the consequences of his actions and empathize with the other person, follow up with, "What could you say to make him feel better?" You want the idea to come from the child.
- Jane Nelsen
Toss it Forcing an apology is like begging for a compliment. Both are worthless unless sincerely given. Sincere apologies are important because at issue are two vital parts of discipline: conscience and self-correction. Apologies need to be modeled for a child to learn to express genuine remorse. Parents who refuse to admit wrongdoing encourage children to follow that example.
Try setting this example with your child instead: "I'm sorry for what I said and if it hurt your feelings. My anger is no excuse. I won't say it again."
- Carl Pickhardt
Toss it With a forced apology, genuine sentiment is lacking and the lesson is lost. Plus, some kids may have a hard time offering a true apology verbally. But they can write a note, do a drawing, or make a small gift, all acceptable ways to handle a situation that requires an apology.
Put-downs
If a parent finds herself resorting to ridicule, guilt, shame, and humiliation, she likely picked up the habit from her parents. "I find myself using phrases like 'What's wrong with you?' and 'Why can't you act like other children?'" says one mom who heard similar comments growing up. "I'm sure this does nothing for my son's self-esteem - it just makes him angry and aggressive. I know that's how I felt."
Name-calling, belittling, and insulting ("You're such a bad boy"), scapegoating and blaming ("If you weren't so clumsy, the vase wouldn't have broken"), and sarcasm ("Now that was clever," delivered in a mocking tone) only scare or scar a child, say parenting authorities, who cite an array of problems linked to negative verbal interactions, including poor self-esteem, lack of self-control, impulsiveness, anger management issues, impatience, inability to trust, anxiety, depression, and emotional trauma.
What the experts say...
Toss it A national survey found that the average parent makes 18 critical, negative comments to his child for every one positive comment. As the old song goes, "You have to accentuate the positive to eliminate the negative." Look for ways to nurture your child's best qualities.
- Michele Borba
Toss it Parents who use put-downs, teasing, ridicule, and criticism do enormous damage to a child's self-esteem. These tactics are also self-defeating: Any corrective behavior is far outweighed by the cost of compliance. Parents who lash out verbally often can't see the injury they're causing but only care about only the obedience they're getting and the anger they're expressing. For punishment to work, it needs to be rationally thought out, not emotionally driven.
- Carl Pickhardt
Toss it Messages that shame, blame, criticize, or humiliate go too far. They reject the child along with the misbehavior. If you want your 5-year-old to stop poking her brother at the dinner table, a clear message would be "Keep your hands off your brother, please," or "Stop poking your brother." Not "Why do you have to be such a pest?"
When can my child safely ride in the front seat of a car?
Expert Answers
Stephanie Tombrello, child passenger safety specialist
The answer in almost every case is not until he's at least 13 - and passenger safety organizations such as SafetyBeltSafe U.S.A. recommend going even further and keeping your child in the backseat until he's ready to drive himself.
Why? Because riding in the front seat simply isn't as safe as riding in the back. Buckling a child into the backseat instead of the front reduces by a third his risk of death in a collision. In a head-on crash (the most common - and deadly - type of collision), a child in the front seat can be thrown into your car's dashboard or through the windshield. Even if he's properly buckled in, he's at much greater risk for being harmed by objects intruding into the car in the front than in the back.
What's more, in cars with passenger air bags (which includes most newer models), the air bags deploy with such force that they can cause severe head and neck injuries to a child. Nationwide, more than a hundred children have been killed by air bags in recent years, and many of these deaths were in slow-speed collisions that should have been minor. Infants and toddlers in rear-facing car seats are at extreme risk from air bags when placed in the front seat because the back of their car seat is so close to the dashboard.
If, despite these very real dangers, you absolutely must put a non-rear-facing child in the front seat, check to see whether your car's air bag has an on-off switch, and if so, turn it off. If not, have an air-bag switch installed by a car dealership or one of the specialized companies that have sprung up to deal with this situation. (The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration maintains a list of companies that install air bag on-off switches; you'll need to get permission from this government organization before installing such a switch, however.) If you can't disable your passenger air bag, then have the child who's most securely restrained in a front-facing car seat with a full harness (in other words, the child who's least likely to wiggle out of his restraints, or, if your passengers have all moved out of the car seat phase, your biggest or tallest passenger) ride in the front seat, and move his seat as far back from the dashboard as possible.
Expert Answers
Jerry Wyckoff, psychologist and special education administrator
By grade school, kids understand boundaries and know better than to take things that don't belong to them. Even so, a child this age may help himself to something if he wants it badly enough or if he thinks that having it will help him in some way (one child I know, for instance, stole the pencil of the best writer in class because he thought it would help his own penmanship).
If you catch your grade-schooler red-handed, make it clear to him that it's not okay to take something that doesn't belong to him. Friends are very important at this age, so point out that taking things can damage his friendships. Don't label him a thief or focus on his stealing, though. Instead, tell him you're concerned about how his teachers and friends will feel about him if he's taking their things.
After you've discussed the issue with your grade-schooler, ask him to return the item and apologize. Have him do something for the person he's wronged, too. He could help his teacher in the classroom during recess, for example, or bring a special treat to share or a small item to give to the friend he's taken something from. It's important for your child to understand that he's done something wrong and that he needs to make amends.
If you suspect that he's taking things on a regular basis, monitor the situation carefully. Ask him where the yo-yo in his backpack came from, for instance. If he says his friend gave it to him, check up on his story. Inventory his room and make sure that new acquisitions are legitimate. Stealing is one behavior you don't want to let slide. If your grade-schooler continues to steal despite your efforts to teach him otherwise, seek professional advice; he may have an underlying problem he needs help with.
Why grade-schoolers tease
Like it or not, teasing is a fact of life - or at least of life before adulthood. Sooner or later, all kids learn that words can be powerful - and as you've probably found, this is likely to happen sooner rather than later.
Despite her seeming maturity, your grade-schooler's social skills are still emerging. Her peers are more important than ever, and at the same time she's trying to discover who she is. "During the early elementary years, kids often tease others in an effort to gain the approval of their peers or to point out perceived flaws and differences to bolster their own self-esteem," says Debbie Glasser Schenck, the director of Family Support Services at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Grade-schoolers tend to zero in on particular attributes, such as wearing glasses or weighing a few extra pounds.
Your grade-schooler may also tease because it's the way she's been taught - however inadvertently - to relate to others. If her family, peers, siblings, or favorite television shows model sarcasm, put-downs, and lack of respect as normal, acceptable behavior, it's no surprise that she mimics it. And most kids find themselves on both ends of teasing - the teaser and the teased - at one time or another.
What to do when your grade-schooler gets teased
You can't do much to prevent other kids from teasing your child, but you can teach her how to cope with biting comments:
Feel her pain. Acknowledge that it hurts to be teased. Let your child know that you understand - "It makes you mad when Ellie calls you a klutz, doesn't it?" - and suggest that she tell Ellie that she hurt her feelings. Also encourage her to spend time with kids who like her and who make her feel good.
Coach her. Tell your grade-schooler that while she can't control what other kids say, she can decide how she wants to react. Ask her if she has ideas about how to deal with the teasing, and help her explore her options. You might try some role playing - with you playing your youngster and her acting as her tormentor. If she says, "Hannah, you're such a goody-goody," for instance, you might reply, "I don't like to be called names. I'm going to play with someone else today."
Or you could teach her to deprive a bully of the response she's seeking. If teasing doesn't get a rise out of your youngster, then it won't allow her tormentor to feel powerful or to have fun at your child's expense. Your grade-schooler can either focus on whatever activity she was involved in when the teasing started, or simply walk away.
You might also teach her to meet the barbs head-on. She could say, "No, I'm not a very fast runner. But I can jump really far," or "Yes, I am good at math. That was the only problem I missed on the test." She could also deflect a taunt by complimenting her teaser - "I like your shoes better, too!" Her adversary may be so caught off guard by this approach that she drops her line of attack.
Teach her to ask for help. It takes a lot of maturity to let teasing roll off your back, so don't always expect a stiff upper lip from your grade-schooler. If she's really upset about being teased at school - especially if it's relentless - she (and you) need to talk to her teacher about the situation. "A teacher can support your child in the classroom by promoting positive social skills and helping her develop a broad range of friendships," says Schenck. If she's having a particularly challenging time because of the teasing, seek professional support.
Don't practice what you're preaching against. Perhaps the teasing that so upsets your grade-schooler doesn't come from classmates, but from you - and you may not even realize it. Affectionate joshing is a wonderful way to nurture a sense of humor, but let your child be the guide. If she doesn't react well, perhaps the subject matter has hit a nerve. Don't joke with her about an issue she's struggling with, such as her weight or a nervous habit like nail biting - which will only shame her. And never be harsh: No name-calling (even if it's meant affectionately) or snickering allowed. Perhaps the most important rule is not to razz your child in public. Calling her "my little piggy" or "pudding face" in front of her pals is guaranteed to make her cringe. By observing limits when you tease, you'll show your child how to clown around in a way that doesn't hurt people.
Don't overreact. Although it upsets you to hear taunts escape your child's lips, keep your cool and resist the urge to cut her down to size. Remember, she's probably looking for a reaction. "You may inadvertently reinforce teasing by overreacting to the words you hear," says Schenck. Respond by calmly letting her know that using hurtful words bruises others' feelings, and by reminding her how it feels to be excluded or teased by others.
Emphasize empathy. Whatever the reason for her taunts, talking to your grade-schooler about the effects of her behavior helps her put herself in another person's shoes. So remind her that she'd feel bad if someone said she was too loud or too short, for instance. Let her know that it's fine to notice when someone looks different, but it's not okay to mention it within their earshot. Stress that how a person looks doesn't indicate anything about who they are. And be sure to refrain from making negative comments yourself about another person's appearance.
Reduce the rivalry at the root of the teasing. If your grade-schooler's teasing her brother, it may not mean that she's angry or upset with him, merely that she wants more of your attention. To discourage her taunts, make sure your firstborn has plenty of one-on-one time with you. If she's picking on her little brother, for instance, try to turn that around by enlisting her help in caring for him instead (don't rely on her too much, though, which can lead to resentment). Remind her that she's a big kid who knows games she can teach him. Talk about what she liked as a small child - playing peekaboo or hearing a silly song - and encourage her to entertain her sibling the same way. Being able to make him laugh will make her feel useful and important, and not feeling that way is probably what was behind her teasing in the first place. (For more tips, check out our article on sibling rivalry.)
Moving beyond threats (ages 6 to 8)
by Dorothy Foltz-Gray
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
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Highlights
Why it happens
What to do
Why it happens
Sometimes an evil alien invades my body, pushing me to commit regrettable acts. I know this because last week I howled at my son Matthew: "If you don't keep the cedar shavings off the floor, the hamsters will have to go!" This broke his heart. It did nothing to clean up the cedar shavings.
Like most parents, when I'm feeling powerless or exasperated, I sometimes pepper my two sons with threats. I picture Matthew's room teeming with hamsters and sawdust, and my frustration erupts in cliches: Clean it up or...or...or else! There's got to be a better way.
There is. Although threats may be one of the most frequently used weapons in your discipline arsenal, they're hardly an effective or loving way to spur action or teach responsibility. Yet from time to time, we all fall back on threats, often absurd ones that leave us feeling foolish and the problem unresolved.
Getting out of the threat rut isn't easy. There are some creative alternatives, though. When you find yourself tempted to tyrannize, these six strategies may help turn threatening moments into nurturing ones.
What to do
Give choices. The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion. "Threats are a message of distrust," says Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. "Your child hears, 'You can't be trusted to control yourself, so I'm going to control you.'"
Giving choices, on the other hand, puts your grade-schooler in charge, preventing fruitless and stressful stalemates. Instead of saying, "If you don't turn your boom box down, I'll take it away," say, "Hey, that hurts my ears. So would you rather listen to something a little less raucous, or take it in your room?" Participating in this type of decision-making teaches her to think for herself and to assume responsibility for her actions. Talk to your grade-schooler and say, "We have a problem. How can we solve it?" That way, the situation becomes you and your grade-schooler against a problem, instead of you against your grade-schooler.
Follow through. Another drawback of using threats is that they're often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute. "If you can't follow through," says St. Louis family therapist Evonne Weinhaus, coauthor of Stop Struggling With Your Child, "you're going to appear spineless, and your kid will trample you."
Suppose that night after night your grade-schooler can't tear herself away from her neighborhood buddies to come in for dinner. You tell her, "If you're late for dinner again, you can't play outside tomorrow night!" Chances are she won't take you seriously, and the nightly struggle will continue unabated. Instead, change your behavior. Say: "I'm going to close the kitchen at 6:30, so if you get hungry later, you'll have to eat your dinner cold." That's something you can follow through on, and when you do, she'll probably be at the table on time - at least for a week or two afterward.
Reverse a threat. Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. Often the words are already out of your mouth before you realize how ridiculous they sound. When this happens, there's nothing wrong with rewinding the tape and trying again. Imagine, for instance, you're grocery shopping when your grade-schooler starts throwing junk-food item after junk-food item in the cart, ignoring your requests to stop. Finally, you get so frustrated that you threaten to make her leave and sit in the car alone.
Think better of resorting to this kind of threat. If it's too late, tell your grade-schooler, "I made a mistake. If you can't follow my rules in the store, I better take you home where someone can watch you while I shop, and I'll give you a chance to try again soon." This response - to replace a hollow threat with a solution that gives your child a second chance - is a sensible approach. After all, every parent blows it once in a while. The important thing is to go back and talk about what happened. Use it as a learning opportunity between you and your grade-schooler.
Set clear expectations. Grocery trips are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. To avoid this scenario, prepare your grade-schooler before you head to the store. Tell her how you expect her to behave. Explain, for instance, that you'd like her to help you track down the items you need. When you arrive at the store, ask her what you'd like her to do. When she answers, "Help you find things," congratulate her on her good memory. Then ask her to find an item or two in each aisle. This makes shopping seem like a treasure hunt and gives the errand a positive spin from the get-go.
Of course, it doesn't always work that way. You get to the store, and not only does your shopping companion refuse to help you find things, but she also has a fit when you won't buy the sugary cereal she's been begging for. What then? On the way there, when you tell your grade-schooler how you expect her to behave, also explain what'll happen if she doesn't cooperate. Tell her, "If you help me find the things we need, you can pick the cereal you like. If you don't help me, we'll have to go home without any cereal." If your grade-schooler still refuses to cooperate, stand firm and invoke the consequence you've talked about.
Keep cool, think positive. Staying calm and confident might sound like a tall order, but it can make a big difference. One reason threats often fail to control your grade-schooler is that they whip up emotions rather than defuse them. When Jennifer Chin-Alfers and Jay Alfers of Novi, Mich., used threats to discipline their daughter, Andi, 6, and son, Ian, 4, for instance, the friction only got worse. "If I asked them to do something and they didn't do it, I'd start yelling," Jay says. "Or we'd threaten to take away a privilege, like being with friends. But then a lot of the time we wouldn't follow through."
Your grade-schooler is more apt to learn how to behave if you give her constant, positive reinforcement. So consider using a reward system to help her overcome a major challenge. If she's in and out of bed like a jack-in-the-box every evening, for instance, put a star on a special calendar for each night that she stays put. When she's racked up a week's worth of stars, reward her with a small toy or a special outing. She may still struggle with sleeping alone, but this method is more likely to lead to success than you ranting and raving.
Reconsider the situation. As we all know, sometimes the best-laid plans fail miserably - and in that case, maybe it's your expectation, not your grade-schooler's behavior, that's out of line. You may need to examine what you're asking of her. If she's been cooped up all day and really needs a chance to unwind, for instance, it's not a good idea to take her to a restaurant where she has to sit still.
So maybe a mother who finds herself in a sea of hamster sawdust needs to rethink the menagerie instead of making threats. Is it possible for my son Matthew to take care of his cat, his rabbit, his turtle, and his eight hamsters without feeling overwhelmed? Well, once we both talked about it, Matthew and I agreed that maybe a pared-down household would be more fun than a grouchy Mama shouting, "Or else!"
And if I do threaten now and then, I try to cut myself some slack - after all, every parent goes over the top occasionally. It isn't one or two threats but your everyday approach to your grade-schooler that matters most. If you're always on a tirade, always critical, you're wasting chances to have gratifying interactions with her. You're faced with many challenges as a parent, but if you handle them gracefully, the majority of your interactions with your child will be positive ones.
How to help your child make friends
by Kate Rauch
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Becky Hughes remembers when her son William was in preschool and seemed to be a bit of a loner. He played well by himself, drawing elaborate pictures and poring over books, but tended to be shy and somewhat awkward around other children. "Everybody has a public mask on around new people for a while," says Hughes, who lives in Seattle. "His stayed on a little longer than usual."
Now an energetic 12-year-old, William is still reserved with other children - at first. But through the years his mother has taken great care to find ways to help and encourage him to make friends. And at every age William has ended up with some real pals.
If your young child has difficulty interacting with other kids, you can help, too, and it will be worthwhile. Playing with friends is an important way for children to learn social rules such as sharing and taking turns. It's also fun.
The key is taking small and gentle steps that encourage positive social interaction without being too pushy. You want to give your child opportunities for rewarding social experiences that will leave him wanting more rather than feeling pressured to do something he finds difficult. Your child may be shy or cautious by nature, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Rather than try to change your child's personality, you can help him stretch just enough to discover the joys of relationships with peers.
"William would mention somebody from school and I'd say, 'Do you want to have him over?'" says Hughes. If the answer was yes, she would call the child's parent and arrange a playdate. These informal get-togethers became the basis of Hughes's efforts to help William make friends.
Kimberly Sirl, a child psychologist at St. Louis Children's Hospital, says starting with someone whom your child seems to like is the way to go. You don't want to just pick someone out and expect your child to be friends with that person. "You really want to pay attention to your child's cues," Sirl says.
Playdates offer a shy child a starting block for a social life. A few guidelines can increase the odds that he'll have a good time. "If you promote a positive experience, your child is more likely to want to play again," says Dale Walker, a professor of child development at the University of Kansas. Here's what to do:
Keep playdates small. Start by inviting only one or two prospective pals to your house, preferably kids your child already knows. These children should be around your child's age, "if not a little older," says Walker. "The older child might initiate a little more."
Keep playdates short. Between one and two hours is plenty for children this young; you don't want to overstimulate them.
Plan ahead. Orient the playdate around games and activities your child enjoys and is good at. This will make him more comfortable and keep him feeling good about himself. "Maximize the positive interaction by making sure there are plenty of materials, so children have enough to play with and don't necessarily have to share right off," Walker says.
Get involved. Don't just leave the kids to play by themselves and hope for the best. Your guidance can make children feel more at ease with each other, especially if they're new friends. Make yourself available in case they run into conflicts, get distracted and stop playing together, or need a change of activity. Oversee art projects, games of hide-and-seek, or splashing in a wading pool. However, try not to dominate or fill in for your child; the idea is to help break the ice without taking control. "Mom or Dad can help get things going, then hang back once the kids get into a groove," Sirl says.
Get a schedule, then get going. To develop familiarity, try to arrange regular playdates with the same kids on a weekly basis. If things are going well, meet in a park or playground or at another child's house. If the playdates go really well and your child runs off independently to play with the others, try leaving him at someone else's house without you, first for a short time and then for longer periods.
Be a playdate yourself. Have regular playtimes with your child, just the two of you. This allows you to stimulate interaction while getting to know his playing style. "You can get a sense of where your child struggles and when it is easy for him," says Alison Ehara-Brown, a licensed clinical social worker who works with children and families in Berkeley, Calif. For example, if puzzles and games requiring lots of concentration do little more than frustrate your child, you'll want to leave them off your list of playdate activities.
Consider getting a pet. Some young children just aren't ready to play with peers. If your child clings to you and refuses to leave your side, consider adding a furry friend to the family. Playing with pets requires social interaction but is usually nonthreatening. "This can be a nice way for a child to feel safe and open up his feelings," Sirl says.
See how others do it. Watching videos or reading books about friends with your child is another low-key way to reinforce the positives of socializing.
Have your own friends over. Since young children pay close attention to what grown-ups do and often imitate their behavior, model for your child by having your friends over, especially in ways that include the younger generation. Have a double playdate with a friend who has children.
Try not to expect too much. Children play mostly side by side at this age, imitating each other rather than playing together directly. If your child feels pressure to do more than this, the best intentions can backfire. He is probably already feeling insecure around other kids, and pressure from Mom or Dad can fuel his insecurity. Your child may fear disappointing you, or the issue can become a power struggle. "Parents should never push very young children to play together; they have to be able to choose some things for themselves," Walker says. "There's a fine line there. You don't want to really push friendship, but you can certainly set the stage for it."
Get help if you sense a real problem. In most cases, shyness or difficulty making friends in early childhood is normal. But a few red flags could indicate that something else is going on. If your child rarely holds eye contact, is unusually withdrawn, throws tantrums or cries whenever other children are around, or seems terrified of going to school or the playground, talk to your pediatrician
Spanking, grounding, and yelling: Does old-fashioned discipline work?
by Sarah Henry
Last updated: June 2008
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Highlights
Spanking
Losing privileges
Time-outs
Grounding
Yelling
Forcing an apology
Put-downs
Your kid mouths off for the umpteenth time, and you've had it. Gone are your lofty notions of teachable moments. You yell, "Go to your room!" Moments later, as the words echo in your ear, you realize with a shock: I've become my mother.
You're not alone. The knee-jerk reaction when our kids misbehave is often to do exactly what we got as kids. The question is, do these old-school discipline tools stand the test of time?
We asked BabyCenter moms which of your parents' techniques you've used. Then we turned to a panel of experts to find out which are worth keeping in the discipline tool kit and which should be tossed in the trash.
Spanking
According to a BabyCenter poll, 85 percent of you were spanked as kids, and 69 percent of you do the same to your own children. A typical comment: "I was spanked when I deserved it. I think it kept me in line, and I spank my 2-year-old, too." Many parents say they only hit their child for downright dangerous behavior, like when a toddler runs into the street.
Some parents say a swat on the bottom is an effective discipline tool when all else fails - others call it child abuse. "I remember what I was wearing, how much she hit me, how I resisted, and the crying, pain, anger, and fear," writes one mom. "I do not remember the lesson or the deed."
What the experts say...
Toss it Spanking mostly shows that when you're bigger than someone it's okay to hit to show your anger or to hit to get your own way. The hurt, not the learning opportunity, becomes the message.
There are three good alternatives: isolation (like a time-out), deprivation (taking away a privilege), and reparation (where a child works to right a wrong before doing anything else). The goal is to get your child to think twice before making the same mistake.
- Carl Pickhardt, The Everything Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline
Toss it Spanking is a temporary solution that does more harm than good. It "works" because it's external control over a child, but it doesn't promote internal decision-making. It simply teaches children to behave - or else. Spanking causes many children to focus on the punishment rather than on their poor decision.
Spanking also has side effects. It's embarrassing, and that causes children to get angry or think about retaliation. Children who are frequently hit feel insecure. Many have poor self-esteem. Some withdraw. Others become excitable, overactive, and aggressive.
- Sal Severe, How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!
Toss it How are we going to teach our children it's not okay to hurt others when we keep hurting them? For 2- to 4-year-olds, lots of supervision along with distraction and redirection are better tools. All the spanking in the world won't teach a child it isn't safe to run into a busy street until he's developmentally ready to learn that lesson.
Some children will push and push until they get a spanking and then settle down. They've been conditioned not to settle down or cooperate until they're spanked. Instead, try holding a disobedient child firmly on your lap. No matter how much she struggles, don't let go until she calms down or agrees to cooperate.
Losing privileges
Taking away something fun is a widely used tool for today's parents, many of whom picked up the habit from their own parents. "When I was naughty, my parents were quick to take away TV time or outings with friends," says one mom, who now does the same with her own son. "He loses screen time, ice cream, or sleepovers for repeated misbehavior. But I often think he just gets mad, and I wonder if he really learns anything from the experience."
For today's parents, the idea of redemption plays an important role. "I almost always give my children the opportunity to earn back a privilege easily and quickly if they acknowledge their error," says another mom of three.
What the experts say...
Keep it Revoking privileges is helpful when used sparingly. Choose a restriction that's easy to enforce - like taking toys away or sending your child to bed early - so you follow through. Pick a restriction that impacts the offender and no one else. Don't punish yourself!
Tell your child why you're taking something away, and choose a punishment that fits the crime: If your child turns on the TV after you tell him not to, unplug it for the night.
A common mistake is taking away privileges for too long. A week or two can feel like forever to a child. And it can backfire: Kids can get angry and resentful, seek revenge, and a cycle of retaliation begins. Remember: You want to encourage your child to do better next time. The best way is with positive reinforcement. "Great job, you finished all your chores. Now you can play outside until dinner."
-Sal Severe
Keep it Removing privileges is an appropriate consequence for repeated offenses, so long as it's something your child really cares about. Otherwise, it's fruitless. Make sure to choose something you have control over - watching TV, playing video games, or riding a bike. Avoid choosing something where your child's absence negatively affects others, such as soccer practice or a band performance.
- Michele Borba, No More Misbehavin'
Toss it Punishment just invites defiance, rebellion, or low self-esteem. If your child breaks something during a tantrum, you could take TV away for a week. But that won't teach him anything.
Instead, find a way for him to replace or repair the item. That might mean earning the money - even small children can do simple chores - or taking the money out of his piggy bank or allowance. Or perhaps he can sit with you and glue the item back together. This and many other nonpunitive methods are respectful and teach a child important life skills.
- Jane Nelsen
Time-outs
Our parents may not have called it a time-out, but make no mistake, they used it. Does "Go to your room" ring a bell? The time-out continues to be a favorite for parents of 2-year-olds, 3- to 4-year-olds, kindergartners, and grade-schoolers. (Parents of younger children may discover the technique doesn't work well yet.)
But not all time-outs are created equal. Some readers report using gentler methods than their parents did. "I was locked in my room fairly often and pounded on the door for attention. I didn't find that particularly educational," says one mom.
Another says, "After a warning, my son is put on the bottom step and is told why he's in time-out. The idea is for him to think about the choice he made. When it's over, we discuss why he was put in time-out and what he could do differently."
What the experts say...
Keep it Time-outs are effective if the child calms down, then thinks and talks about what happened and what he could do differently from now on. The purpose of isolation is not to ostracize or reject a child but to separate him from a problem situation.
- Carl Pickhardt
Keep it Time-outs are appropriate when a child is immediately removed for misbehavior and asked to sit alone quietly to think about her actions. It can be very effective at helping aggressive kids calm down.
One caveat: Time-outs should be customized to the age and temperament of your child and the severity of the misbehavior. The simplest rule for kids 3 to 7: Time-out is one minute for each year of the child's age. Set a timer so the child knows how long she's expected to remain.
To be effective, you must teach a replacement behavior. After the time-out, ask your kid to draw or write what she did wrong - or simply talk it out, asking her, "What will you do next time?" Older kids can make a statement of intent - a drawing, sentence, or a few lines explaining how they plan to change their behavior.
- Michele Borba
Keep it Time-out is recommended when the purpose is positive: To give a child a chance to take a break for a short time and try again as soon as he feels better. This cooling-off period allows a child to "do" better because it gives him a chance to "feel" better. Since the term time-out has so many negative associations, you might ask your child to rename it, something like cooling-off spot or feel-good place.
For very young children, try taking a time-out together in a place that encourages calm and quiet. It may include cushions, a favorite stuffy, or a book to read.
Grounding
The term grounding may make you think of teenagers forced to stay home for breaking curfew. But this technique - really a form of losing privileges - is also used by parents of young children, who say they learned it from their own parents. "When my 3-year-old son talks back or is defiant, we'll sometimes say, 'We're not going to the park if you keep acting this way,'" says one mom.
Another mom, who endured groundings herself growing up, says, "When my son was 6, he was grounded for throwing rocks over the school fence onto parked cars. He didn't like it, I don't think I ever did either as a kid. But I never repeated the offense, and, to my knowledge, neither has he."
What the experts say...
Keep it Like losing privileges, groundings work if the child misses something he cares about - otherwise it's worthless. For grade-schooler groundings - which generally last one day - require your child to stay home and miss everything other than school, church, or any commitment where her absence would let others down (such as a swim meet or dance performance).
For a serious offense, many parents also pull all home privileges, such as TV, video games, and computer time. It's a waste of time grounding a 2- or 3-year-old, as they really don't understand the connection.
- Michele Borba
Keep it Most parents choose a grounding period that's too long. Extended periods can backfire, causing your child to feel persecuted or picked on and starting a negative retaliation cycle. You want to keep hope alive.
To give a child strong incentive to behave immediately, try this: Your 6-year-old has been restricted for six days. For each good day, a day of restriction is dropped from the end. (Clearly define what good day means: Do what you're asked to do. Speak in a pleasant tone. Be kind and polite to your sister.) You may want to draw a chart or mark the duration on a calendar so your child can cross off days and see his progress.
Keep in mind that you don't want a grounding to make everyone else in the family miserable, and if the grounding isn't realistically enforceable, it will be more difficult for you to follow through consistently.
- Sal Severe
Toss it Grounding has no place in a positive discipline approach to raising a child. Children don't have to suffer to learn. Grounding is a form of punishment where adults do something to a child. Instead, think about ways to solve a discipline problem with your child.
If your kids are constantly fighting, instead of grounding them, you might, after a cooling-off period alone in separate rooms, have them focus on ways to resolve the problem - taking turns, removing the object in dispute, or putting the issue on the family-meeting agenda. Unless safety is a concern, don't get involved or take sides, and have faith they can work it out.
Yelling
If you grew up in a house of screamers, chances are you turn up the volume on your kids too. And that describes most of us: 98 percent of 7-year-olds have been shouted at by their parents, according to the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire.
While no one is suggesting that the occasional angry outburst is damaging for life, there's evidence to suggest that constant yelling is as emotionally harmful to children as physical abuse.
So why do we bellow instead of staying mellow? We yell because we can, because we feel our children don't listen, because we're angry and lack other tools to call on in the moment, says Devra Renner, coauthor of Mommy Guilt, which calls yelling the number one guilt-inducer in moms of school-age children.
"A growing frustration is not being heard because our families are affixed to a screen of some sort," says Renner. "Parents are more inclined to yell if they're trying to talk to a distracted, screen-gazing kid."
What the experts say...
Toss it If you resort to yelling on a regular basis, you've created a cycle that's a trap. Your kids will wait for the yelling to make sure you mean business. Yelling actually reduces your influence by pushing you to more emotional intensity than the situation warrants - say, trying to convince your child to pick up his toys. It empowers your child: He knows he can upset you by delaying. It's self-defeating.
Instead, be relentless but not emotional. If you find yourself about to yell, take a break or have your partner step in. Backing off to cool off doesn't mean you're giving up for good.
- Carl Pickhardt
Toss it Upping the volume isn't the way to get what you want. Worse yet, the more frequent the yelling, the more often it has to be used to do the job. Your kid builds up a tolerance for yelling, so your pitch has to get louder, the frequency longer - and soon everyone is yelling just to be heard.
- Michele Borba
Toss it A raised, irritated, or angry voice sends the wrong message - loss of control. That's when kids are most likely to test you, because they realize you're hooked and beginning to dance. Instead, your tone should convey that you're firm, in control, respectful, and resolute. State your expectations in a matter-of-fact way with your regular speaking voice.
Your actions will convey your message more powerfully than words spoken loudly, so be prepared to take action immediately if your child continues to misbehave. Instead of hollering "turn the TV off" for the third time, simply switch it off yourself.
Forcing an apology
You want your child to be polite, but does a grudgingly muttered "sorry" really help? Or does it just serve to shame and embarrass your child in public? Still, who among us wasn't prodded into apologies for sparring with siblings, insulting friends, and being just a little too honest about that boring gift from Grandma? If you've spent any time hanging out near a sandbox lately, you know that the forced apology is still much mumbled on playgrounds nationwide.
What the experts say...
Toss it A forced apology isn't appropriate at any age. All a parent is doing is teaching a child to lie. If a child isn't sorry but a parent forces him to apologize, that's just about making a parent feel better - it has nothing to do with a child learning empathy.
Instead, parents need to help a child make a connection before a correction. First ask, "What happened?" Then, "How do you think Sammy felt when you took his toy away?" Once the child has had a chance to consider the consequences of his actions and empathize with the other person, follow up with, "What could you say to make him feel better?" You want the idea to come from the child.
- Jane Nelsen
Toss it Forcing an apology is like begging for a compliment. Both are worthless unless sincerely given. Sincere apologies are important because at issue are two vital parts of discipline: conscience and self-correction. Apologies need to be modeled for a child to learn to express genuine remorse. Parents who refuse to admit wrongdoing encourage children to follow that example.
Try setting this example with your child instead: "I'm sorry for what I said and if it hurt your feelings. My anger is no excuse. I won't say it again."
- Carl Pickhardt
Toss it With a forced apology, genuine sentiment is lacking and the lesson is lost. Plus, some kids may have a hard time offering a true apology verbally. But they can write a note, do a drawing, or make a small gift, all acceptable ways to handle a situation that requires an apology.
Put-downs
If a parent finds herself resorting to ridicule, guilt, shame, and humiliation, she likely picked up the habit from her parents. "I find myself using phrases like 'What's wrong with you?' and 'Why can't you act like other children?'" says one mom who heard similar comments growing up. "I'm sure this does nothing for my son's self-esteem - it just makes him angry and aggressive. I know that's how I felt."
Name-calling, belittling, and insulting ("You're such a bad boy"), scapegoating and blaming ("If you weren't so clumsy, the vase wouldn't have broken"), and sarcasm ("Now that was clever," delivered in a mocking tone) only scare or scar a child, say parenting authorities, who cite an array of problems linked to negative verbal interactions, including poor self-esteem, lack of self-control, impulsiveness, anger management issues, impatience, inability to trust, anxiety, depression, and emotional trauma.
What the experts say...
Toss it A national survey found that the average parent makes 18 critical, negative comments to his child for every one positive comment. As the old song goes, "You have to accentuate the positive to eliminate the negative." Look for ways to nurture your child's best qualities.
- Michele Borba
Toss it Parents who use put-downs, teasing, ridicule, and criticism do enormous damage to a child's self-esteem. These tactics are also self-defeating: Any corrective behavior is far outweighed by the cost of compliance. Parents who lash out verbally often can't see the injury they're causing but only care about only the obedience they're getting and the anger they're expressing. For punishment to work, it needs to be rationally thought out, not emotionally driven.
- Carl Pickhardt
Toss it Messages that shame, blame, criticize, or humiliate go too far. They reject the child along with the misbehavior. If you want your 5-year-old to stop poking her brother at the dinner table, a clear message would be "Keep your hands off your brother, please," or "Stop poking your brother." Not "Why do you have to be such a pest?"
When can my child safely ride in the front seat of a car?
Expert Answers
Stephanie Tombrello, child passenger safety specialist
The answer in almost every case is not until he's at least 13 - and passenger safety organizations such as SafetyBeltSafe U.S.A. recommend going even further and keeping your child in the backseat until he's ready to drive himself.
Why? Because riding in the front seat simply isn't as safe as riding in the back. Buckling a child into the backseat instead of the front reduces by a third his risk of death in a collision. In a head-on crash (the most common - and deadly - type of collision), a child in the front seat can be thrown into your car's dashboard or through the windshield. Even if he's properly buckled in, he's at much greater risk for being harmed by objects intruding into the car in the front than in the back.
What's more, in cars with passenger air bags (which includes most newer models), the air bags deploy with such force that they can cause severe head and neck injuries to a child. Nationwide, more than a hundred children have been killed by air bags in recent years, and many of these deaths were in slow-speed collisions that should have been minor. Infants and toddlers in rear-facing car seats are at extreme risk from air bags when placed in the front seat because the back of their car seat is so close to the dashboard.
If, despite these very real dangers, you absolutely must put a non-rear-facing child in the front seat, check to see whether your car's air bag has an on-off switch, and if so, turn it off. If not, have an air-bag switch installed by a car dealership or one of the specialized companies that have sprung up to deal with this situation. (The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration maintains a list of companies that install air bag on-off switches; you'll need to get permission from this government organization before installing such a switch, however.) If you can't disable your passenger air bag, then have the child who's most securely restrained in a front-facing car seat with a full harness (in other words, the child who's least likely to wiggle out of his restraints, or, if your passengers have all moved out of the car seat phase, your biggest or tallest passenger) ride in the front seat, and move his seat as far back from the dashboard as possible.