(no subject)
I've mentioned here and there that I've not been in the best of moods for a long time now. I've been upset that some people I know (The ones I used to work with and do plays with) have never bothered to ask how I was doing in this difficult time. Honestly, I'm afraid to talk to people. I never meant to be standoffish, but when you're so afraid of making missteps and what others would possibly say, it's just too hard. It's just that I've been hurt so many times that things like that affect me a lot. I've decided to be more direct with people in order to get over this, but I still find myself at a loss for words.
Which is why I've kept quiet when I see a lot of people around me doing things I know I want to be doing for myself. I am always afraid I'll be bitter and rude, but that's not how I really feel. I'm hurt. I've been put into a situation I never asked for and I really do not want to take it out on others. I'd rather work hard at achieving what I want instead of taking the easy way out. Right now, I have felt like I'm playing catch up, and it's really hard to do that when it's all by yourself. I ask for moral support from a lot of people, but it just seems non-existent.
And that's what I need. I don't need my ego massaged, I don't need people to be overly critical...that's what makes things worse. I want a change for the better, I want my confidence back...it's the best thing for myself. I need to stop being paranoid about others because I think that might be why I haven't landed a job yet.
All I've heard from others is to be positive. If they've been through what I have, they might realize it's easier said than done. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, it's just something that hasn't come easy to me now.
Right now, I have been wanting a distraction, but with money problems hitting me, it's impossible to have one. I need to get back to sewing, but I've been so unmotivated. I know I need to pull myself away from the computer, but trying to break habits is just hard when you've sunk further into depression. In fact, just trying to break out of depression is hard enough on its own.
Sadly, I haven't seen any opportunities with my community theater except for one (Which is really a mystery dinner theater), and there's no mention of auditions yet. In fact, I have no idea when my next opportunity will be because I'm not sure if one show after that will be performed by another theater (Just using the venue) or I'd have to wait until next year for one straight play which fortunately has a lot of small parts for females. I'd rather start small for something I'm NOT used to and I hope that I won't have to face the age problem that prevented me from auditioning for a play I really wanted to be in. And I still haven't registered with that extras casting agency in Chicago. Again, weight struggle. I'm trying to maintain 185 lb. or less for a few days and it hasn't happened yet. (My goal is to lose 50 lb., but it's not going to be done in a short time.) I just need to start following through on what I need for myself.
Which is why I've kept quiet when I see a lot of people around me doing things I know I want to be doing for myself. I am always afraid I'll be bitter and rude, but that's not how I really feel. I'm hurt. I've been put into a situation I never asked for and I really do not want to take it out on others. I'd rather work hard at achieving what I want instead of taking the easy way out. Right now, I have felt like I'm playing catch up, and it's really hard to do that when it's all by yourself. I ask for moral support from a lot of people, but it just seems non-existent.
And that's what I need. I don't need my ego massaged, I don't need people to be overly critical...that's what makes things worse. I want a change for the better, I want my confidence back...it's the best thing for myself. I need to stop being paranoid about others because I think that might be why I haven't landed a job yet.
All I've heard from others is to be positive. If they've been through what I have, they might realize it's easier said than done. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, it's just something that hasn't come easy to me now.
Right now, I have been wanting a distraction, but with money problems hitting me, it's impossible to have one. I need to get back to sewing, but I've been so unmotivated. I know I need to pull myself away from the computer, but trying to break habits is just hard when you've sunk further into depression. In fact, just trying to break out of depression is hard enough on its own.
Sadly, I haven't seen any opportunities with my community theater except for one (Which is really a mystery dinner theater), and there's no mention of auditions yet. In fact, I have no idea when my next opportunity will be because I'm not sure if one show after that will be performed by another theater (Just using the venue) or I'd have to wait until next year for one straight play which fortunately has a lot of small parts for females. I'd rather start small for something I'm NOT used to and I hope that I won't have to face the age problem that prevented me from auditioning for a play I really wanted to be in. And I still haven't registered with that extras casting agency in Chicago. Again, weight struggle. I'm trying to maintain 185 lb. or less for a few days and it hasn't happened yet. (My goal is to lose 50 lb., but it's not going to be done in a short time.) I just need to start following through on what I need for myself.