What I've learned in 30 days
Those of you playing the Home Version of Keeping Up with Lady Strange may recall that I decided to abstain from alcohol for a while; at least through the end of this month. December 11th was the last time I imbibed, so as of today I've been a teetotaler for one whole month.
To be honest, I wasn't sure I could do it. My relationship with alcohol is...complicated. I definitely use it to 'self medicate' in the sense that a couple of three glasses of wine help create this warm fuzzy buffer zone between both the chronic physical pain I deal with AND the Crazy Brain stuff in my head that otherwise sometimes is simply too much to bear.
But I DID do it. I abstained for a month. There have been a couple of times when I REALLY would have liked a glass of a nice pinot noir or a crisp sauvignon Blanc, but I can't say they were truly 'cravings'. I thought about them, decided against drinking, and that was that. My husband had wine a few times; he works in a wine shop after all, and my daughter's D&D group had alcohol when they came over and played last weekend. I didn't feel like I was left out, or missing anything or angry because they could drink and I 'couldn't', Because of COURSE I could, I made a choice to not do so.
That SHOULD have been empowering. It SHOULD make me feel good about myself, that I set a goal, one I expected to be difficult, and I have achieved it [in large part anyway, the time frame was more than a month...more on that later]. It SHOULD make me feel good to know that neither the drinking nor the depression/anxiety is SO out of control that I cannot survive and function without using one to tame the other. I guess from a purely academic, intellectual standpoint it does, but for some reason it is not really resonating emotionally with me. I don't feel better about myself. I don't feel that I accomplished anything.
And all that stuff that all the articles and testimonials said about how much better you will be for giving up booze for just a month? Let me tell you a little about that.
YOU WILL LOOSE WEIGHT: Nope. Granted, I did not go out of my way to change my eating habits until after the 1st of the year, but I am also self aware enough that I KNOW I also use food as a drug and made a point of not simply replacing one 'addiction' with another.
YOU WILL SLEEP BETTER: Also nope. I actually have been getting less 'quality' sleep. Without the alcoholic 'haze', all the Crazy Brain stuff in my head is front and center and plays out across the stage of my 'sleeping' mind in varying degrees of horror show detail.
YOU WILL HAVE MORE ENERGY: Three for three, nope. I'm flipping exhausted. Between the almost constant mental struggle to stay focused and not 'give in' to the depression and anxiety [because wigging out and a nice little stay in a 'facility' isn't an option for this working girl] AND the lack of anything to ease the physical pain [Advil doesn't cut it] I'm MORE exhausted than I was before beginning this little experiment.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF: This one is tricky. Yes, I'm glad that I am succeeding [see above] but AGAIN, without the 'buffer zone' all the self worth and self image issues are taking up a LOT more space in my head and are a lot harder to ignore, so in that sense, no, the self loathing is worse, not better.
THINK OF THE $$$$ YOU WILL SAVE! : This one is again tricky, because this time of year is traditionally slow for my industry, and of course with the election of The Orange Menace a LOT of people are in a holding pattern, waiting to see what happens to the country before they decide to buy a home or even refinance an existing loan. My last 2 paychecks have been down about 10% from the norm, and the next one will be too. With the kind of shortage, I would have cut back on buying booze anyway. So no, I don't have more spending money. In an ironic twist, my gas bill was actually HIGHER than average this month because our water heater is gas powered and I took a LOT of long hot baths as an alternative 'escape' over the last month in our really deep spa tub.
I could go on, but you are probably sick of reading this.
So here we are. A month in and I feel like I've gotten none of the supposed benefits of giving up booze and instead am struggling even harder to be functional. Seems unfair somehow.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I'm still not drinking. I have an appointment on the 19th to talk to a doctor about some sort of meds to help the A&D issues, and I went back to my therapist this month. The whole reason I decided to abstain in the first place was so I would have [hopefully] broken the habit before going on any meds. That way if the meds are such that one is instructed to refrain from drinking until you know the effects, it will be easier for me to do so AND we will have a clearer picture of the issues rather than a wine clouded view.
Still, I wish I had SOMETHING to show for the last month.
To be honest, I wasn't sure I could do it. My relationship with alcohol is...complicated. I definitely use it to 'self medicate' in the sense that a couple of three glasses of wine help create this warm fuzzy buffer zone between both the chronic physical pain I deal with AND the Crazy Brain stuff in my head that otherwise sometimes is simply too much to bear.
But I DID do it. I abstained for a month. There have been a couple of times when I REALLY would have liked a glass of a nice pinot noir or a crisp sauvignon Blanc, but I can't say they were truly 'cravings'. I thought about them, decided against drinking, and that was that. My husband had wine a few times; he works in a wine shop after all, and my daughter's D&D group had alcohol when they came over and played last weekend. I didn't feel like I was left out, or missing anything or angry because they could drink and I 'couldn't', Because of COURSE I could, I made a choice to not do so.
That SHOULD have been empowering. It SHOULD make me feel good about myself, that I set a goal, one I expected to be difficult, and I have achieved it [in large part anyway, the time frame was more than a month...more on that later]. It SHOULD make me feel good to know that neither the drinking nor the depression/anxiety is SO out of control that I cannot survive and function without using one to tame the other. I guess from a purely academic, intellectual standpoint it does, but for some reason it is not really resonating emotionally with me. I don't feel better about myself. I don't feel that I accomplished anything.
And all that stuff that all the articles and testimonials said about how much better you will be for giving up booze for just a month? Let me tell you a little about that.
YOU WILL LOOSE WEIGHT: Nope. Granted, I did not go out of my way to change my eating habits until after the 1st of the year, but I am also self aware enough that I KNOW I also use food as a drug and made a point of not simply replacing one 'addiction' with another.
YOU WILL SLEEP BETTER: Also nope. I actually have been getting less 'quality' sleep. Without the alcoholic 'haze', all the Crazy Brain stuff in my head is front and center and plays out across the stage of my 'sleeping' mind in varying degrees of horror show detail.
YOU WILL HAVE MORE ENERGY: Three for three, nope. I'm flipping exhausted. Between the almost constant mental struggle to stay focused and not 'give in' to the depression and anxiety [because wigging out and a nice little stay in a 'facility' isn't an option for this working girl] AND the lack of anything to ease the physical pain [Advil doesn't cut it] I'm MORE exhausted than I was before beginning this little experiment.
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF: This one is tricky. Yes, I'm glad that I am succeeding [see above] but AGAIN, without the 'buffer zone' all the self worth and self image issues are taking up a LOT more space in my head and are a lot harder to ignore, so in that sense, no, the self loathing is worse, not better.
THINK OF THE $$$$ YOU WILL SAVE! : This one is again tricky, because this time of year is traditionally slow for my industry, and of course with the election of The Orange Menace a LOT of people are in a holding pattern, waiting to see what happens to the country before they decide to buy a home or even refinance an existing loan. My last 2 paychecks have been down about 10% from the norm, and the next one will be too. With the kind of shortage, I would have cut back on buying booze anyway. So no, I don't have more spending money. In an ironic twist, my gas bill was actually HIGHER than average this month because our water heater is gas powered and I took a LOT of long hot baths as an alternative 'escape' over the last month in our really deep spa tub.
I could go on, but you are probably sick of reading this.
So here we are. A month in and I feel like I've gotten none of the supposed benefits of giving up booze and instead am struggling even harder to be functional. Seems unfair somehow.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I'm still not drinking. I have an appointment on the 19th to talk to a doctor about some sort of meds to help the A&D issues, and I went back to my therapist this month. The whole reason I decided to abstain in the first place was so I would have [hopefully] broken the habit before going on any meds. That way if the meds are such that one is instructed to refrain from drinking until you know the effects, it will be easier for me to do so AND we will have a clearer picture of the issues rather than a wine clouded view.
Still, I wish I had SOMETHING to show for the last month.