God is in the Mountain...
But it seems I am more likely to find Her at the Sea.
Today we decided to go to the beach. This beach. http://www.nps.gov/asis/planyourvisit/things2do.htm
This time of year, there are few people down there, some hardy surfers and paddle boarders all done up in full thermals, and maybe some enthusiastic birders and wildlife watchers who want to be there and see Spring come to the island. There are places where it seems untouched, where you cannot see any sign of human habitation other than perhaps the protective fence for the dune, that looks really weathered and worn. It so early in the season that if you walk far enough along the beach the only foot prints you see are from birds and the ever present Chincoteague wild horses.
Anyway. We stopped at a little winery on the way and did a tasting, then had a glass each with some cheese, crackers, and chocolate. Then it was on to the island. We biked about 8 miles total, and it felt pretty good to be able to do that without being completely worn out and winded. [go me!].
The whole ride, two snippets of song lyrics kept repeating in my head. Now, this happens to me a lot. I've been told it's a possible indication that I am crazy. Big Deal. I have already admitted to Crazy Brain. Still, the lines were "In God's Country" from the U2 song by the same name, and "I am your passion, your promise, your end" From Melissa Etheridge's "Yes I Am".
Now, I KNOW the full lyrics to both [don't judge] so it was sort of odd that ONLY those lines kept repeating. Even more odd that this happened at the seashore. I've always felt an inexplicable Peace and closeness to Deity when at the sea. I close my eyes and stand there, somehow between Earth and Sea and Sky but not really 'in' either one. I hear the ocean, the song of the wind and waves, and at some point I'm not only hearing it, I'm FEELING it. The ocean 'connects' to the salt in my veins, the salt in my tears. I cry a lot at the edge of the sea, not the huge snot-nosed wracking sobs of despair, but more a quiet, cleansing flow...salt water to salt water, giving away the pain and getting back some degree of equilibrium. I always felt closest to The Divine when by the ocean. Funny, when the Goddess figures I most closely identified with don't really have any connection to the sea.
At some point I started analyzing why it was that THESE lyrics were in my head. I wondered if, perhaps, the Deity whose involvement I have come to doubt was speaking to me here in 'The Between'. So of course as SOON as I wondered this I told myself "self" [I said], you ALWAYS have song lyrics being annoyingly repeated in your head. God isn't speaking. Move on.
So I kept on moving.
Later during our walk on the beach, I saw a crow. Crows are pretty common here, but for all the years I've been going to AI, I can't recall ever seeing one ON THE BEACH. Now, I've recently become fascinated with crows and ravens, both for their INCREDIBLE intelligence and complicated family structures as well as the metaphysical/metaphoric and folkloric aspects of Corvus Corax and his relatives.
So again, I wondered..."Gee. a crow on the beach. Looking at me. Cawing at me impatiently. Is THIS Deity speaking to me?" And then I very logically reminded myself that just because I could not at that moment recall seeing a crow on the beach meant nothing. It's very early Spring. Crows, like many of the island's inhabitants, are bloody well hungry and will venture where ever they need to to find a meal. God isn't speaking. Move on.
OK, you are getting bored now. I see those pretty eyes glazing over. Suffice it to say that a few other interesting things happened, including me bringing home a neat piece of driftwood that I simply HAD to bring home.
Yes, this is sort of starting to sound like the hurricane joke. You know; dude gets the evacuation notice and thinks "God will protect me". Dude's house starts to flood and a boat comes by and offers to take him to safety but he refuses saying God will protect me. Dude's house fills with water and he climbs to the roof and a helicopter comes by offering rescue. Dude declines, saying God will protect me.
Dude DIES in storm, hits the Pearly Gates and says to ST. Peter "Why didn't God protect me?"; to which ole Pete replies " I sent you an evac notice, a boat, and a helicopter. what more did you want?!"
I stood there looking out to the infinite horizon, the chilly wind carrying away the silent tears and I asked "Are you there?" [yeah..I wanted to finish that with ...God? It's me, Margaret" ] Really? Or am I just desperately trying to find reason to believe because there is this big empty place inside me and my Faith USED to be the fence that kept me from letting that space swallow me up and now that fence is washing away like my Faith and I am not sure I can survive it. I WANTED to regain my faith. I wanted to BELIEVE. And yet, I could not get away from the fact that right in the middle of BELIEVE is the word LIE. I thought "Well..fine. if you ARE still around and interested, SHOW ME. Give me something I cannot rationalize away. Give me something SO 'out there' that it could only be 'you' answering me.
I envy those who believe without question; who KNOW they are 'right'. Lucky bastards.
I cried, I yearned, I stood on the 'edge' and looked into a version of The Abyss. & then I told myself to quit being stupid and getting emotional. I pulled my walls back up, walled my pain and doubt away again and told Chris I was ready to start walking back.
So then? He finds a foot.
Yes. A FOOT. As in human skeletal remains. Inside a shoe and sock. I honestly thought he was fucking with me. See, we always try to pick up trash we see on trails and such when we are walking or biking, so it wasn't completely odd that he went to pick up the man's athletic shoe he'd spotted. What WAS weird...REALLY FRIGGIN WEIRD, was that there was a sock in it. And even stranger, ws when he [for whatever reason] shook the sock out, FOOT BONES came out.
We reported it, the police confirmed they most definitely WERE human remains. There had been a shipwreck recently and two crewmen were still listed as missing. Even more strange, another ship had simply vanished from radar a few weeks ago, and the entire crew was presumed lost. So just maybe, our somewhat morbid discovery can bring some one closure.
So now. Here I am. Wondering if the foot was Deity saying "Challenge Accepted"? I just don't know. Part of me thinks it's all just wild coincidence and my hormones. But part of me is really thinking that just maybe, God/dess IS reaching out to me, making me an offer and beckoning me back into His/Her embrace. But even as I think it I doubt it. I think even if God/dess IS 'still around' it would be really damn arrogant to think He/She has time for a nothing like me. And I also think it's just my Crazy Brain, wanting so very much to find something...ANYTHING...to cling to to keep from falling over that edge I seem to be walking along more and more lately.
Today we decided to go to the beach. This beach. http://www.nps.gov/asis/planyourvisit/things2do.htm
This time of year, there are few people down there, some hardy surfers and paddle boarders all done up in full thermals, and maybe some enthusiastic birders and wildlife watchers who want to be there and see Spring come to the island. There are places where it seems untouched, where you cannot see any sign of human habitation other than perhaps the protective fence for the dune, that looks really weathered and worn. It so early in the season that if you walk far enough along the beach the only foot prints you see are from birds and the ever present Chincoteague wild horses.
Anyway. We stopped at a little winery on the way and did a tasting, then had a glass each with some cheese, crackers, and chocolate. Then it was on to the island. We biked about 8 miles total, and it felt pretty good to be able to do that without being completely worn out and winded. [go me!].
The whole ride, two snippets of song lyrics kept repeating in my head. Now, this happens to me a lot. I've been told it's a possible indication that I am crazy. Big Deal. I have already admitted to Crazy Brain. Still, the lines were "In God's Country" from the U2 song by the same name, and "I am your passion, your promise, your end" From Melissa Etheridge's "Yes I Am".
Now, I KNOW the full lyrics to both [don't judge] so it was sort of odd that ONLY those lines kept repeating. Even more odd that this happened at the seashore. I've always felt an inexplicable Peace and closeness to Deity when at the sea. I close my eyes and stand there, somehow between Earth and Sea and Sky but not really 'in' either one. I hear the ocean, the song of the wind and waves, and at some point I'm not only hearing it, I'm FEELING it. The ocean 'connects' to the salt in my veins, the salt in my tears. I cry a lot at the edge of the sea, not the huge snot-nosed wracking sobs of despair, but more a quiet, cleansing flow...salt water to salt water, giving away the pain and getting back some degree of equilibrium. I always felt closest to The Divine when by the ocean. Funny, when the Goddess figures I most closely identified with don't really have any connection to the sea.
At some point I started analyzing why it was that THESE lyrics were in my head. I wondered if, perhaps, the Deity whose involvement I have come to doubt was speaking to me here in 'The Between'. So of course as SOON as I wondered this I told myself "self" [I said], you ALWAYS have song lyrics being annoyingly repeated in your head. God isn't speaking. Move on.
So I kept on moving.
Later during our walk on the beach, I saw a crow. Crows are pretty common here, but for all the years I've been going to AI, I can't recall ever seeing one ON THE BEACH. Now, I've recently become fascinated with crows and ravens, both for their INCREDIBLE intelligence and complicated family structures as well as the metaphysical/metaphoric and folkloric aspects of Corvus Corax and his relatives.
So again, I wondered..."Gee. a crow on the beach. Looking at me. Cawing at me impatiently. Is THIS Deity speaking to me?" And then I very logically reminded myself that just because I could not at that moment recall seeing a crow on the beach meant nothing. It's very early Spring. Crows, like many of the island's inhabitants, are bloody well hungry and will venture where ever they need to to find a meal. God isn't speaking. Move on.
OK, you are getting bored now. I see those pretty eyes glazing over. Suffice it to say that a few other interesting things happened, including me bringing home a neat piece of driftwood that I simply HAD to bring home.
Yes, this is sort of starting to sound like the hurricane joke. You know; dude gets the evacuation notice and thinks "God will protect me". Dude's house starts to flood and a boat comes by and offers to take him to safety but he refuses saying God will protect me. Dude's house fills with water and he climbs to the roof and a helicopter comes by offering rescue. Dude declines, saying God will protect me.
Dude DIES in storm, hits the Pearly Gates and says to ST. Peter "Why didn't God protect me?"; to which ole Pete replies " I sent you an evac notice, a boat, and a helicopter. what more did you want?!"
I stood there looking out to the infinite horizon, the chilly wind carrying away the silent tears and I asked "Are you there?" [yeah..I wanted to finish that with ...God? It's me, Margaret" ] Really? Or am I just desperately trying to find reason to believe because there is this big empty place inside me and my Faith USED to be the fence that kept me from letting that space swallow me up and now that fence is washing away like my Faith and I am not sure I can survive it. I WANTED to regain my faith. I wanted to BELIEVE. And yet, I could not get away from the fact that right in the middle of BELIEVE is the word LIE. I thought "Well..fine. if you ARE still around and interested, SHOW ME. Give me something I cannot rationalize away. Give me something SO 'out there' that it could only be 'you' answering me.
I envy those who believe without question; who KNOW they are 'right'. Lucky bastards.
I cried, I yearned, I stood on the 'edge' and looked into a version of The Abyss. & then I told myself to quit being stupid and getting emotional. I pulled my walls back up, walled my pain and doubt away again and told Chris I was ready to start walking back.
So then? He finds a foot.
Yes. A FOOT. As in human skeletal remains. Inside a shoe and sock. I honestly thought he was fucking with me. See, we always try to pick up trash we see on trails and such when we are walking or biking, so it wasn't completely odd that he went to pick up the man's athletic shoe he'd spotted. What WAS weird...REALLY FRIGGIN WEIRD, was that there was a sock in it. And even stranger, ws when he [for whatever reason] shook the sock out, FOOT BONES came out.
We reported it, the police confirmed they most definitely WERE human remains. There had been a shipwreck recently and two crewmen were still listed as missing. Even more strange, another ship had simply vanished from radar a few weeks ago, and the entire crew was presumed lost. So just maybe, our somewhat morbid discovery can bring some one closure.
So now. Here I am. Wondering if the foot was Deity saying "Challenge Accepted"? I just don't know. Part of me thinks it's all just wild coincidence and my hormones. But part of me is really thinking that just maybe, God/dess IS reaching out to me, making me an offer and beckoning me back into His/Her embrace. But even as I think it I doubt it. I think even if God/dess IS 'still around' it would be really damn arrogant to think He/She has time for a nothing like me. And I also think it's just my Crazy Brain, wanting so very much to find something...ANYTHING...to cling to to keep from falling over that edge I seem to be walking along more and more lately.