beauty in the breakdown.
i officially can't handle it all anymore.
i've thought about it a lot... and i've come to a conclusion. there is always that first month when spring is starting to come around that everything is picture perfect. no end to the happiness until... well, here's how it always seems to happen:
around the beginning of spring, a little fling always tends to occur... don't doubt me, this has happened every year, more so the last 3. well, things are great with the guy, great with school, great with friends... until a few weeks later. that's when all the activities flare up causing one to miss school, drama always seems to sneak up on you completely spoiling whatever you had with the jerkface of a guy, and your friends seem to avoid you or are just plain rude to you either because you failed to hang out with them on account of the boy, they're stressed out as well, or becasue they just randomly decided to outcast you. LOVELY. and it happens year on end.
well, i can't handle it anymore.
the stress load that is being shoved at me is so intense, it's a wonder i'm still alive. on top of all of this, i've averaged about 4 and a half hours of sleep a night. not just cause of my job, but either because i'm on the phone arguing about a stupid conflict or i just can't sleep because the worry and anxiety is keeping me up.
you know, the one thing that usually helps bring me through all this shit are my friends. the ones who are SUPPOSED to be telling me it's okay, that'll help me calm down, talk to me, maybe help me get organized and get done. well, apparently they all figured i'm just pms-ing or just feel like being a jerkface so now, they're all avoiding me or ignoring me, or my personal favorite, insulting me.
i heard that psychologically, we as humans sometimes tend to run when we need help the most... just to see who cares enough to come after us. well, i'm not trying to send you all out on a guilt trip or anything, but for all you "friends" out there, what happened to all of the "oh, honey, i feel like our friendship is falling apart and i'll try so hard to make it better. your friendship means the world to me and i don't know what i would do without you."???
i guess i'm just tired of feeling unappreciated... sometimes it just feels like i'm putting in twice as much into my relationships than my other friends are.
as if all this normal friend stuff isn't hard enough to deal with, i think i've finally come to understand why i tend to get all paranoid and sensitive around this early development of "romance". last night i steamed over the fact that my boy buddy isn't talking to me anymore. well, not since the major amounts of drama and confusion. what his problem is, i don't know. for those of you who know the story, then you'll understand where i'm coming from a lot more than for those who haven't. if it's anything that's ticking this guy off, it's either because he's still mondo upset about whatever or perhaps i'm just annoying him with my retarded paranoid and stressed out self. well, i've figured out the cause of this behavior:
i've finally realized what i have to lose and am terrified of losing it. you see, this is what happens. i remember telling sarah that i thought i was on the direct path of royal screw-ation. it's because i notice that i'm falling into a deeper level of "like" and considering my past experiences, am terrified to go any farther because i know that the farther i go, the harder i'll fall, and the more it'll hurt. now don't get me wrong, i'm not about to be a hypocrite. i once ragged on someone that they shouldn't base potential relationships on the past because you never know what god has in store in this new one... but don't worry. knowing me, i'll be the first to take that chance and will crash and burn along the way. *shrugs* just the story of my life.
*sigh*
of course, looking over my problems, quitting my job seems like the best solution to all of this. i'll have more time to do my homework, spend time with my friends, sleeping for the first time in about 3 monthes... but i've thought about it, and i'm not about to be a quitter. so, having said that, i think i'm going to end it here and just suck it up and deal with it.
i guess i have no room to complain anymore... but thanks for listening. i guess all i really needed was a good vent.
i've thought about it a lot... and i've come to a conclusion. there is always that first month when spring is starting to come around that everything is picture perfect. no end to the happiness until... well, here's how it always seems to happen:
around the beginning of spring, a little fling always tends to occur... don't doubt me, this has happened every year, more so the last 3. well, things are great with the guy, great with school, great with friends... until a few weeks later. that's when all the activities flare up causing one to miss school, drama always seems to sneak up on you completely spoiling whatever you had with the jerkface of a guy, and your friends seem to avoid you or are just plain rude to you either because you failed to hang out with them on account of the boy, they're stressed out as well, or becasue they just randomly decided to outcast you. LOVELY. and it happens year on end.
well, i can't handle it anymore.
the stress load that is being shoved at me is so intense, it's a wonder i'm still alive. on top of all of this, i've averaged about 4 and a half hours of sleep a night. not just cause of my job, but either because i'm on the phone arguing about a stupid conflict or i just can't sleep because the worry and anxiety is keeping me up.
you know, the one thing that usually helps bring me through all this shit are my friends. the ones who are SUPPOSED to be telling me it's okay, that'll help me calm down, talk to me, maybe help me get organized and get done. well, apparently they all figured i'm just pms-ing or just feel like being a jerkface so now, they're all avoiding me or ignoring me, or my personal favorite, insulting me.
i heard that psychologically, we as humans sometimes tend to run when we need help the most... just to see who cares enough to come after us. well, i'm not trying to send you all out on a guilt trip or anything, but for all you "friends" out there, what happened to all of the "oh, honey, i feel like our friendship is falling apart and i'll try so hard to make it better. your friendship means the world to me and i don't know what i would do without you."???
i guess i'm just tired of feeling unappreciated... sometimes it just feels like i'm putting in twice as much into my relationships than my other friends are.
as if all this normal friend stuff isn't hard enough to deal with, i think i've finally come to understand why i tend to get all paranoid and sensitive around this early development of "romance". last night i steamed over the fact that my boy buddy isn't talking to me anymore. well, not since the major amounts of drama and confusion. what his problem is, i don't know. for those of you who know the story, then you'll understand where i'm coming from a lot more than for those who haven't. if it's anything that's ticking this guy off, it's either because he's still mondo upset about whatever or perhaps i'm just annoying him with my retarded paranoid and stressed out self. well, i've figured out the cause of this behavior:
i've finally realized what i have to lose and am terrified of losing it. you see, this is what happens. i remember telling sarah that i thought i was on the direct path of royal screw-ation. it's because i notice that i'm falling into a deeper level of "like" and considering my past experiences, am terrified to go any farther because i know that the farther i go, the harder i'll fall, and the more it'll hurt. now don't get me wrong, i'm not about to be a hypocrite. i once ragged on someone that they shouldn't base potential relationships on the past because you never know what god has in store in this new one... but don't worry. knowing me, i'll be the first to take that chance and will crash and burn along the way. *shrugs* just the story of my life.
*sigh*
of course, looking over my problems, quitting my job seems like the best solution to all of this. i'll have more time to do my homework, spend time with my friends, sleeping for the first time in about 3 monthes... but i've thought about it, and i'm not about to be a quitter. so, having said that, i think i'm going to end it here and just suck it up and deal with it.
i guess i have no room to complain anymore... but thanks for listening. i guess all i really needed was a good vent.