this is the sadness, again.
So, I have this thing where I subconsciously set myself up for failure if and whenever possible. I feel better than I have in years, but I still can't shake the feeling that my lot in life is to struggle. I understand that everyone has problems. I just don't deal with mine. So they compound and eventually make me sick. It's all I've ever known.
I don't know what I need to motivate myself to want to do better for myself. In a month and a half I will have been on this planet, breathing this air, for 25 years and I have almost nothing to show for it. At the very least I would like to ay that I've had a meaningful romantic relationship, but that hasn't happened, mostly because I feel that I don't deserve it. There is too much damage here. I would feel too guilty to ever let someone in completely and make them share in my issues.
I have less now than ever had before. I most likely wont have a family at the end of January. It's relieving in a sense to be done with them. But I don't hate my family. They're the only one I've ever known. But I can feel all of them getting tired of me, in all honesty, I'm getting tired of myself. It will be better for everyone.
My boss is one of my best friends I have here. She is so motivated and works so hard even though she doesn't have to. I am insanely jealous of her family. Her father is someone who I would love to have a sit down conversation with. He's a really inspiring person. Her mother is so kind. Her sister is lovely. And she's close with all of them. I just wish I had a family that I could talk to. I can't talk to anyone in my family. I don't feel that warm sense of love and understanding when I'm speaking with them. I don't have any fond memories with them. I want that. I want it so badly. I want to have traditions and fond memories. Everything about my family is so superficial. It's all on the surface. There's no depth. I want depth. I want feeling. But I'll never find it with my family. I want to know what that feel like. I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing out.
My friends have become my family. Although we are not bound by blood, we're bound by something else. These people which I really do hold so dear to my heart have seen something in me which I can't explain and has made them love me, and I them. My biological family has always had a problem with my "friends" but they never understand that these people are the ones which I have those fond memories with. These are the people who make me feel good. These people make me feel more valued than my real family every has. They are the ones who give me advice. They are the ones who tell me things are going to be okay. I cherish them. Some of these people probably don't even know what they mean to me.
I am an emotional wreck.
I wish more people used this, I could use some advice or some kind words or anything.
I kind of love that not a lot of people use this because I feel less judged and I feel like those who do log-on feel the same sense of comfort I get when I do.
I don't know what I need to motivate myself to want to do better for myself. In a month and a half I will have been on this planet, breathing this air, for 25 years and I have almost nothing to show for it. At the very least I would like to ay that I've had a meaningful romantic relationship, but that hasn't happened, mostly because I feel that I don't deserve it. There is too much damage here. I would feel too guilty to ever let someone in completely and make them share in my issues.
I have less now than ever had before. I most likely wont have a family at the end of January. It's relieving in a sense to be done with them. But I don't hate my family. They're the only one I've ever known. But I can feel all of them getting tired of me, in all honesty, I'm getting tired of myself. It will be better for everyone.
My boss is one of my best friends I have here. She is so motivated and works so hard even though she doesn't have to. I am insanely jealous of her family. Her father is someone who I would love to have a sit down conversation with. He's a really inspiring person. Her mother is so kind. Her sister is lovely. And she's close with all of them. I just wish I had a family that I could talk to. I can't talk to anyone in my family. I don't feel that warm sense of love and understanding when I'm speaking with them. I don't have any fond memories with them. I want that. I want it so badly. I want to have traditions and fond memories. Everything about my family is so superficial. It's all on the surface. There's no depth. I want depth. I want feeling. But I'll never find it with my family. I want to know what that feel like. I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing out.
My friends have become my family. Although we are not bound by blood, we're bound by something else. These people which I really do hold so dear to my heart have seen something in me which I can't explain and has made them love me, and I them. My biological family has always had a problem with my "friends" but they never understand that these people are the ones which I have those fond memories with. These are the people who make me feel good. These people make me feel more valued than my real family every has. They are the ones who give me advice. They are the ones who tell me things are going to be okay. I cherish them. Some of these people probably don't even know what they mean to me.
I am an emotional wreck.
I wish more people used this, I could use some advice or some kind words or anything.
I kind of love that not a lot of people use this because I feel less judged and I feel like those who do log-on feel the same sense of comfort I get when I do.