Sometimes God Hides
Holy Christ on a cracker is that title melodramatic. But its true.
I suppose that given the following I am renouncing the Bravery Award for 2005, but it is necessary.
I am having a really hard time. Somehow in the twisted plotting and screeching apoplectic ecstasy of actually getting to Seattle, I somehow was blindsided yesterday by the epiphany that I have no friends. Or, more precisely, that the friends I have are simply subsitute goods until I can find people that I genuinely connect to in some level other than "we all make coffee for other people and like to get drunk". Because as base as it sounds, those are essentially the only two things we have in common.
I was wildly unhappy today, to the extent that I was knocking things over and splashing milk froth everywhere in a pedantic manifestation of said discontent. Unhappy in that itchy terrible jittery way I get sometimes when I'm trying to simultaneously figure it out while ignoring its proximity. The kind of sadness that makes me want to do heroin or throw bricks through church windows or have sex with total strangers just to have another variable to throw into the equation.
I think I have proven that I can be alone, and I'm still relatively settled. I'm just so lonely I want to go blind.
I don't know what I miss more, the actualized Atlanta experiece or simply having people to love and be loved by. Call me a pussy, but I need it and I miss it. I won't come home, so I need to figure this out, because it is not getting easier and I refuse to shrink into myself entirely. I'm pretty awesome, truly. So where are people I could love?
This will suffice for how I feel tonight.
And this:
http://cdzinc.com/1/ra/def/deathcab_alackofcolor.rm
I suppose that given the following I am renouncing the Bravery Award for 2005, but it is necessary.
I am having a really hard time. Somehow in the twisted plotting and screeching apoplectic ecstasy of actually getting to Seattle, I somehow was blindsided yesterday by the epiphany that I have no friends. Or, more precisely, that the friends I have are simply subsitute goods until I can find people that I genuinely connect to in some level other than "we all make coffee for other people and like to get drunk". Because as base as it sounds, those are essentially the only two things we have in common.
I was wildly unhappy today, to the extent that I was knocking things over and splashing milk froth everywhere in a pedantic manifestation of said discontent. Unhappy in that itchy terrible jittery way I get sometimes when I'm trying to simultaneously figure it out while ignoring its proximity. The kind of sadness that makes me want to do heroin or throw bricks through church windows or have sex with total strangers just to have another variable to throw into the equation.
I think I have proven that I can be alone, and I'm still relatively settled. I'm just so lonely I want to go blind.
I don't know what I miss more, the actualized Atlanta experiece or simply having people to love and be loved by. Call me a pussy, but I need it and I miss it. I won't come home, so I need to figure this out, because it is not getting easier and I refuse to shrink into myself entirely. I'm pretty awesome, truly. So where are people I could love?
This will suffice for how I feel tonight.
And this:
http://cdzinc.com/1/ra/def/deathcab_alackofcolor.rm