(no subject)
Europe has been relegated to some remote part of my mind (probably adjacent to the memories of the one-testicled midget). I’ve spent the past few weeks marathoning TV shows (e.g., Pushing Daises, Chuck, Journeyman, and now The 4400, etc), negotiating with my company regarding their interest in my staying and my interest in moving on, contemplating new career options and a physical relocation, leaving little time for sustained introspection about how to achieve happiness, something always in my mind but not necessarily occupying prime cerebral real-estate. I'm currently in Tel-Aviv, having wasted the entire morning sleeping (I'm on a hybrid NY-Israel schedule), and am now wasting additional time with this entry, the purpose of which is unclear. I've been reading more and more about Buddhism and what they refer to as their contemplative science. Much of their theories are strikingly similar to stuff I came up with on my own while more seriously pondering such questions when a student at NYU. This fact has been somewhat of a motivation to continue researching their theories, but other than having a few more books on the subject in my bag, I haven't done much in this regard. A friend of mine very recently concluded that I was dysfunctional. She explained that while I appear very well put together on the outside, she's come to the conclusion that my tendency to over think and overanalyze things has created sufficient barriers which are impeding normal functioning. I tried to pin her down with respect to what she meant by normal functioning, but the best I could get was her referring to my ‘never-ending tendency to search for meaning’ as she described it, which I don't necessarily see as a bad thing, but it certainly leads to depression, or so at least it has been the case for me. Another friend, who had similar issues in the past, simply concludes I need to find a meaningful relationship, which he admits doesn’t necessarily address any of these issues directly but that the need to ask these questions is very much minimized. I'm not sure if this is a good thing although it certainly sounds more pleasant than my current course. I used to feel that I wasn't really living my life, or experiencing the world in the direct manner I suspected other people were, but I was more of an observer to my surroundings. This is a bit difficult to explain, especially when I’m receiving countless emails from my office as I write this entry regarding various deadlines I really wish I could ignore. One of the few pleasures I find in life is being able to connect with like-minded people, although those people seem to be a rarity. I find great pleasure in being with people who see the world and interact with people in ways similar to the ways I do. Thus far, this has really been less than ten people. I’m not sure what the purpose of this post is, although there is no doubt I experience some enjoyment from writing it. It would be nice if I could conclude it with something concrete, some point, some insight into what I’ve learned, but that’s exactly my problem: there are no such resolutions, insights or points.