Transition classics: OMG!!!!! i can't describe how happy i am!!
wow. its just amazing. living with GID is hard. it can be seriously unbareable at times. all TS handle transitioning differently. some decide to go full time as soon as they come to terms with themselves...even before hormones, they are SO brave to me. others wait a bit, but eventually decide to go full time when a few people begin to tell them they look a little girly. i on the other hand managed to create the most unrealistic, distorted body image you can ever have... (lucky me) some have asked why i haven't gone full time yet and that i look totally ready (and they usually follow with very nice compliments and i sincerely thank you).
but, the truth is its my insecurities. my worst fear was looking like a man in a dress, to which many would reply i, at the very least, do not look like a man in a dress. and again, i thank you. but it is what i see when i look in the mirror. as soon as i gaze into that reflection i immediately focus on all those cues that scream male. and they were there. i really felt as i would never be secure enough to say i'm honestly ready to go full time, but last night i had the most amazing realization!
i was hanging out with a friend. normally i tend to dress very andro and clothing a little on the loose-fitting side as not to accentuate what i think is an oversized male body (really, i am pretty small..but like i said...this was my self image) anyway, she was rumaging through my closet looking for things to try on (as she always does) and i hated her! she looked great in everything! i was so jealous and i told her that! "i hate you!" lol
she proceeds to go on about how im stupid for not going full time...that my body looks well within female range and insists she prove it by me modeling a few clothes for her so she can really see what my body looked like. so reluctantly i did. i emerged from my bathroom wearing someting slutty (lol what? it was the only way she could see!) and her jaw dropped! it REALLY dropped! she had never seen me in anything so tight and revealing that really showed off my body. she was really (and GENUINELY) floored!! like...seriously...her sincereity was so obvious i was surprised myself. she went on and on how we actually have the same body and was so sure i thought she was going to take measurments! but i saw what she meant, though we werent exactly the same, we were VERY close! (that was a HUGE compliment for me) she went on how my butt was totally femme and round..that she is totally shocked that i have such an hourglass shape, and that my legs were better than hers!! but i was still skeptical...(distorted body image remember?!)
i go on to try on revealing outfit after revealing outfit (a few of which were nothing more than sexy underwear!), her excitement grew exponentially with every outfit and it was really contagious...but what made it different this time (from when others pay me a nice compliment) is....
I SAW IT! i actually saw it with my own eyes!!!!!
ive never seen it before! something WAS different! i was so much more shapely and round and softer looking. my arms were soooo much smaller...my waist had shunk ALOT!!!! and my butt and legs were kinda cute if i do say so myself!! i was SEEING it!!! OMG!
like...for the first time i was wearing my most revealing outfits without turning away from my reflection in disgust and promising "one day." sure...i saw a few things i'd really like to change..but that one day really feels like its actually coming now!
ok ok..so flash forward to just about an hour ago. i was thinking about the night before and still didnt really believe it for myself...so i started trying on more outfits. but this time outfits that ive had for years. outfits that i kept because they were really cute...and really body hugging. outfits that looked absolutely HORRIBLE on me. i distinctly remember one REALLY cute tight fitted light-yellow dress. VERY VERY CUTE! but in it i looked like a crossdressing boy, narrow hips, boney skinney legs with muscles all in the wrong place, no shape to my waist and broad muscular shoulders and arms...(EEEEWWWW...ok..too much info!!!!)
i put in on and looked into the mirror. i almost cried!! i was not expecting (even after last night) what i was seeing. right there...right now....right in front of me....my body looked pretty dam cute! i seriously filled that dress the way it was supposed to be filled!! can you believe it! im here...
im finally here!!!
