Picspam: Adrian Pasdar in Near Dark
As my family recently subscribed to Netflix, I now have the opportunity to watch movies I would have never gotten my paws on before. One of the first I rented was Near Dark.
Near Dark is a 1987 vampire flick about a country boy who gets a quasi-creepy crush on a vampire girl and then gets - surprise - vamped by her. He's then kidnapped by her crazy hillbilly vampire family and they try to get him to become one of them.
This premise would be undoubtedly dumb and unappealing if it weren't for the fact that said country boy looks like this:
OH YES. THIS WORK OF 80'S CINEMA WAS A TRUE TREAT TO WATCH. And here are the choice spoils from my 121.1 MB's-worth of manual screencapping and also a bonus clip! (Trust me, you haven't really lived until you've seen the young face of Nathan Petrelli desperately sucking blood from someone's wrist. NO SERIOUSLY IT'S REALLY HOT did I just type that)
WARNING: SUPER INSANELY IMAGE-HEAVY. SORRY, COULD NOT RESIST SHARING AS MUCH SEXY AS I COULD. D:
In actuality, the movie isn't so bad (even though I'm about to riff it anyway). Other than the horrible electro-synth music, it isn't overwhelmingly 80's, and rather than a mindless action-packed vampire movie, it's an inner struggle vampire movie, which I very much prefer. Of course, it isn't great either and the plot is slow and the end sucks (wtf exploding vampires and one-night anti-vampire treatment) but WITH ADRIAN PASDAR INVOLVED IT WAS SURE WORTH WATCHING and ripping onto my computer don't judge me. D:
Meet our hero, Nathan Adrian Caleb:
Yeah, he may look like an innocent cutie, but...
...he smokes...
...has weirdo lightish hair...
...and his idea of flirting is taking the keys out of the ignition when a girl desperately wants to get home by morning and forcing her to kiss him before he keeps driving.
What a sleaze.
Anyway, Nathan Adrian Caleb quickly falls madly, irrationally in love with this girl whose name I can't recall.
Her rambling about immortality immediately clues in the audience on the fact that she's a ~*~VAMPIRE~*~.
But unfortunately, Nathan Adrian Caleb seems to have the IMMINENT DANGER awareness of a senile three-toed sloth.
So things start going downhill.
REALLY downhill.
May I reiterate the downhilliness of this young rapist's life?
Nathan Adrian Caleb gets kidnapped by Vampire Girl's insane, gross hillbilly family and immediately starts getting his ass smacked around by them. Since, again, he has the IMMINENT DANGER awareness of a senile three-toed sloth, he hasn't yet realized that he's turning into a vampire even though the sun burned like half his face off while he walked home.
Oh, right, and there's a dude who gets uncomfortably close roughing him up and a 10-year old boy who grabs his balls (NO NOT JOKING ABOUT THAT LAST PART) but hey...
...he gets to hang out with Vampire Girl, so it's all good.
But then those STRANGE LOOKS from the hillbilly dudes start making him a little too uncomfortable so he's all like...
"NO MORE, YOU CRAZY HO."
So he goes to a bus station in hopes of getting home, but he doesn't have enough money to buy a ticket and...
...yeah, those pictures are too pretty to make fun of. UHH.
He's been suffering from severe HUNGER PANGS so he tries a vending machine. Yeah, guess how that works out for him.
And then a cop stops him thinking he's drugged up (because of his appearance, not his stupidity) and....
...context kind of ruins everything so I'll just leave it at that.
Anyway, bottom line is that he's totally Vampire Girl's bitch.
So he comes running back to her. AND UHHH I ENJOY THE ENSUING SCENE WAY MORE THAN I SHOULD. (Also, lol HORRIBLE SYNTH.)
Fuck you, thoughts of possibilities of Heroes/Supernatural crossovering NGGGHHHH. VAMPIRE!NATHAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. WHY DO I WANT TO WRITE IT SO BAD FOR DARK FUTURE. WHY HAVE I ALREADY WRITTEN IT. WHY DID I TYPE THAT OUT LOUD o shi.
Uh, okay, where was I? Oh, right: so, suddenly, Nathan Adrian Caleb seems pretty cool with this whole vampire gig.
Because shit, he is stupid for that woman.
AND SUDDENLY, THE NIGHT IS FULL OF POSSIBILITIES!!!
...Except not, since Nathan Adrian Caleb continues to drink off Vampire Girl's blood because he can't bring himself to kill anyone...
...and instead watches Vampire Girl do it like the little wuss he is.
He also tries to call home, which I show purely for...
...yeah.
Anyway, Vampire Girl's crazy hillbilly family is pissed off about him mooching, so they give him an ultimatum on killing somebody to feed on. They bust into a bar and start making trouble.
Nathan Adrian Caleb just tries to sit quietly and be adorable...
...but the hillbilly family's resident Psycho Twenty-Something who tends to do dubious things to him (and who apparently plays the main dude on Big Love these days) tries to get him in on 'the action.'
And then he punches the dude hard with ~*~VAMPIRE~*~ POWERS.
Nathan Adrian Caleb cannot believe this.
HE IS ALSO UNBEARABLY ADORABLE. <33333333
Annnnnd then the crazy hillbilly vampire family proceeds to horribly murder everyone in the bar one-by-one.
Nathan Adrian Caleb looks on with shock...
...and then OH GAWD EW.
And then he gets shot straight-on by a shotgun...
...and pulls a Claire. And then sits down and proceeds to...
......sorry, lost my train of thought.
SO, Nathan Adrian Caleb goes after his first kill (A DUDE WHO COURT AND I WERE ROOTING FOR HIM TO MACK ON)...
...but of course, he can't bring himself to do it and he lets him go.
Vampire Hillbilly Family is pissed off at him, but then he proves himself to them when he saves their asses by driving their van to them in a firefight while burning up in the daylight.
And then he kinda becomes one of the psycho gang UNTIL.....
...GASP. HIS REAL FAMILY SHOWS UP. (His dad and sister have been looking for him.)
And then things start going downhill again as far as vampire-human relations and sexually threatening hillbillies are concerned.
Yes, things aren't looking so good for Nathan's Adrian's Caleb's situation (or anal virginity), but then his little sister makes the astoundingly competent feat of opening the door to the daylight and he and his real family flee in a pickup truck, sans Vampire Girl for once.
Nathan Adrian Caleb then fully realizes that uh yeah Vampire Girl and her family kinda fucked him over and he proceeds to angst about being a vampire.
I should not be making fun of this since I enjoy this kind of shit way way way too much, but uhhhh YEAH then he comes up with the ingenious plan of having his dad give him a blood transfusion.
To this, the audience says PFFFT YEAH RIGHT. VAMPIRE-CURING NEVER WORKS, IDIOT.
...But then the audience gets distracted by.... THAT.
LOTS OF THAT.
MMMMMMMMMMMMM.
And then suddenly he's okay again, which is stupid, but HEY THAT.
Then, a couple nights later, he sees his Vampire Girl hanging around outside.
He is cautious...
...he is suspicious...
....AND HE'S A FUCKING SENILE THREE-TOED SLOTH.
Then Vampire Girl runs away and Adrian Pasdar is gorgeous.
...oh wait, I meant his little sister gets kidnapped.
Then more AWKWARD moments with the Psycho Twenty-Something ensue...
...and Nathan Adrian Caleb pretends to be a badass cowboy.
Except he isn't.
Anyway, Vampire Girl turns on her family and helps him save his sister; then, the rest of her vampire family stupidly get themselves burned up in the sun and explode. Yes, explode.
Nathan Adrian Caleb watches on as they, yes, explode.
Then, Vampire Girl wakes up human and sees this brain-numbingly sexy sight.
And everyone lived happily ever after. Except the exploding vampires. Or me, because seriously, vampire-curing? That shit is dumb.
THE END
Did I just waste like four hours doing all that? Yes, yes, I did. WORKED SO HARD ON THIS JESUS It's time to shift-change and finish my homework, auuugghh.
...On an added weird note, this movie came out two days before I was born. ERIN, GET TV CRUSHES ON PEOPLE NOT OVER TWICE YOUR AGE PLZ o hay wait I've actually got one for once mmmmmmmmmmm <33333
Near Dark is a 1987 vampire flick about a country boy who gets a quasi-creepy crush on a vampire girl and then gets - surprise - vamped by her. He's then kidnapped by her crazy hillbilly vampire family and they try to get him to become one of them.
This premise would be undoubtedly dumb and unappealing if it weren't for the fact that said country boy looks like this:
OH YES. THIS WORK OF 80'S CINEMA WAS A TRUE TREAT TO WATCH. And here are the choice spoils from my 121.1 MB's-worth of manual screencapping and also a bonus clip! (Trust me, you haven't really lived until you've seen the young face of Nathan Petrelli desperately sucking blood from someone's wrist. NO SERIOUSLY IT'S REALLY HOT did I just type that)
WARNING: SUPER INSANELY IMAGE-HEAVY. SORRY, COULD NOT RESIST SHARING AS MUCH SEXY AS I COULD. D:
In actuality, the movie isn't so bad (even though I'm about to riff it anyway). Other than the horrible electro-synth music, it isn't overwhelmingly 80's, and rather than a mindless action-packed vampire movie, it's an inner struggle vampire movie, which I very much prefer. Of course, it isn't great either and the plot is slow and the end sucks (wtf exploding vampires and one-night anti-vampire treatment) but WITH ADRIAN PASDAR INVOLVED IT WAS SURE WORTH WATCHING and ripping onto my computer don't judge me. D:
Meet our hero, Nathan Adrian Caleb:
Yeah, he may look like an innocent cutie, but...
...he smokes...
...has weirdo lightish hair...
...and his idea of flirting is taking the keys out of the ignition when a girl desperately wants to get home by morning and forcing her to kiss him before he keeps driving.
What a sleaze.
Anyway, Nathan Adrian Caleb quickly falls madly, irrationally in love with this girl whose name I can't recall.
Her rambling about immortality immediately clues in the audience on the fact that she's a ~*~VAMPIRE~*~.
But unfortunately, Nathan Adrian Caleb seems to have the IMMINENT DANGER awareness of a senile three-toed sloth.
So things start going downhill.
REALLY downhill.
May I reiterate the downhilliness of this young rapist's life?
Nathan Adrian Caleb gets kidnapped by Vampire Girl's insane, gross hillbilly family and immediately starts getting his ass smacked around by them. Since, again, he has the IMMINENT DANGER awareness of a senile three-toed sloth, he hasn't yet realized that he's turning into a vampire even though the sun burned like half his face off while he walked home.
Oh, right, and there's a dude who gets uncomfortably close roughing him up and a 10-year old boy who grabs his balls (NO NOT JOKING ABOUT THAT LAST PART) but hey...
...he gets to hang out with Vampire Girl, so it's all good.
But then those STRANGE LOOKS from the hillbilly dudes start making him a little too uncomfortable so he's all like...
"NO MORE, YOU CRAZY HO."
So he goes to a bus station in hopes of getting home, but he doesn't have enough money to buy a ticket and...
...yeah, those pictures are too pretty to make fun of. UHH.
He's been suffering from severe HUNGER PANGS so he tries a vending machine. Yeah, guess how that works out for him.
And then a cop stops him thinking he's drugged up (because of his appearance, not his stupidity) and....
...context kind of ruins everything so I'll just leave it at that.
Anyway, bottom line is that he's totally Vampire Girl's bitch.
So he comes running back to her. AND UHHH I ENJOY THE ENSUING SCENE WAY MORE THAN I SHOULD. (Also, lol HORRIBLE SYNTH.)
Fuck you, thoughts of possibilities of Heroes/Supernatural crossovering NGGGHHHH. VAMPIRE!NATHAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. WHY DO I WANT TO WRITE IT SO BAD FOR DARK FUTURE. WHY HAVE I ALREADY WRITTEN IT. WHY DID I TYPE THAT OUT LOUD o shi.
Uh, okay, where was I? Oh, right: so, suddenly, Nathan Adrian Caleb seems pretty cool with this whole vampire gig.
Because shit, he is stupid for that woman.
AND SUDDENLY, THE NIGHT IS FULL OF POSSIBILITIES!!!
...Except not, since Nathan Adrian Caleb continues to drink off Vampire Girl's blood because he can't bring himself to kill anyone...
...and instead watches Vampire Girl do it like the little wuss he is.
He also tries to call home, which I show purely for...
...yeah.
Anyway, Vampire Girl's crazy hillbilly family is pissed off about him mooching, so they give him an ultimatum on killing somebody to feed on. They bust into a bar and start making trouble.
Nathan Adrian Caleb just tries to sit quietly and be adorable...
...but the hillbilly family's resident Psycho Twenty-Something who tends to do dubious things to him (and who apparently plays the main dude on Big Love these days) tries to get him in on 'the action.'
And then he punches the dude hard with ~*~VAMPIRE~*~ POWERS.
Nathan Adrian Caleb cannot believe this.
HE IS ALSO UNBEARABLY ADORABLE. <33333333
Annnnnd then the crazy hillbilly vampire family proceeds to horribly murder everyone in the bar one-by-one.
Nathan Adrian Caleb looks on with shock...
...and then OH GAWD EW.
And then he gets shot straight-on by a shotgun...
...and pulls a Claire. And then sits down and proceeds to...
......sorry, lost my train of thought.
SO, Nathan Adrian Caleb goes after his first kill (A DUDE WHO COURT AND I WERE ROOTING FOR HIM TO MACK ON)...
...but of course, he can't bring himself to do it and he lets him go.
Vampire Hillbilly Family is pissed off at him, but then he proves himself to them when he saves their asses by driving their van to them in a firefight while burning up in the daylight.
And then he kinda becomes one of the psycho gang UNTIL.....
...GASP. HIS REAL FAMILY SHOWS UP. (His dad and sister have been looking for him.)
And then things start going downhill again as far as vampire-human relations and sexually threatening hillbillies are concerned.
Yes, things aren't looking so good for Nathan's Adrian's Caleb's situation (or anal virginity), but then his little sister makes the astoundingly competent feat of opening the door to the daylight and he and his real family flee in a pickup truck, sans Vampire Girl for once.
Nathan Adrian Caleb then fully realizes that uh yeah Vampire Girl and her family kinda fucked him over and he proceeds to angst about being a vampire.
I should not be making fun of this since I enjoy this kind of shit way way way too much, but uhhhh YEAH then he comes up with the ingenious plan of having his dad give him a blood transfusion.
To this, the audience says PFFFT YEAH RIGHT. VAMPIRE-CURING NEVER WORKS, IDIOT.
...But then the audience gets distracted by.... THAT.
LOTS OF THAT.
MMMMMMMMMMMMM.
And then suddenly he's okay again, which is stupid, but HEY THAT.
Then, a couple nights later, he sees his Vampire Girl hanging around outside.
He is cautious...
...he is suspicious...
....AND HE'S A FUCKING SENILE THREE-TOED SLOTH.
Then Vampire Girl runs away and Adrian Pasdar is gorgeous.
...oh wait, I meant his little sister gets kidnapped.
Then more AWKWARD moments with the Psycho Twenty-Something ensue...
...and Nathan Adrian Caleb pretends to be a badass cowboy.
Except he isn't.
Anyway, Vampire Girl turns on her family and helps him save his sister; then, the rest of her vampire family stupidly get themselves burned up in the sun and explode. Yes, explode.
Nathan Adrian Caleb watches on as they, yes, explode.
Then, Vampire Girl wakes up human and sees this brain-numbingly sexy sight.
And everyone lived happily ever after. Except the exploding vampires. Or me, because seriously, vampire-curing? That shit is dumb.
THE END
Did I just waste like four hours doing all that? Yes, yes, I did. WORKED SO HARD ON THIS JESUS It's time to shift-change and finish my homework, auuugghh.
...On an added weird note, this movie came out two days before I was born. ERIN, GET TV CRUSHES ON PEOPLE NOT OVER TWICE YOUR AGE PLZ o hay wait I've actually got one for once mmmmmmmmmmm <33333
