a thing i found
"Sometimes I get this feeling. It starts in my throat. Its a lot like swallowing something you know might taste bad, but surprisingly, leaves no after-effect but the slightest increase in curiosity. The lump sits at the bottom of my throat, near where the neck reaches the collarbone, and it grows from there. Strange sensations start at my feet and my fingers. They rush in to meet and this bizarre awareness takes my whole body with it. At this moment, I am sure that if I could get any more desolate and uncertain, I would literally fold into myself. Physically, that is what should happen- it is trying to happen- but I never make it there. And although this is one of the most painful things I have ever felt, I love it the most because in every twitching nerve, every shudder, every dizzy thought...I know something.
When we hold hands, I feel more than skin. Your hand is my hand, extended. The only boundary is your heartbeat pressing against your palm. I momentarily panic, not wanting my own to answer too loudy, disrupting you. But mine never did need to adjust; they were complimentary from the beginning. Over time, I learn that yours will not abscond mine and I can feel every last nuance of tenderness and utter adoration transverse. At this moment, the knot dispells into a resplendent, encapsulating warmth that challenges everything I previously understood of happiness. Here, I have found something more fullfilling. There is a sweet anticipation I can't wait to share with you that makes me want nothing so badly as to be to you what you are to me. In the split second we meet, I have lived a thousand times and counted the stars a thousand times more.
_ _ _
You will have not felt any of this. For now, I defer to your distant eyes and bow my head, willing the knot to go somewhere else until it becomes more than a bittersweet partition of reality and ideology. But your smile lines, as well as the insistant compass of our fingers, encourage me to linger a while. What are months when they become years and years when they endure on? Even still, as we stand close to one another, I- with my head in the crook of your shoulder- will continue to breathe over the rise and fall of your chest, feeling as though it were for two. When our hands come together as they do, perhaps you, too, will notice their fluidity as they wind seamlessly among one other. And the next time our lips meet, maybe you will count the stars with me."