Negative Thoughts
I'm in a particularly depressing and self centred mood. Deal with it.
Emotionally unstable. Narcissistic. Boderline. Depressive. Pessimistic.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Things could be so much better. I'm doing all I can to fix them, but it's obviously not good enough.
This isn't really a one sided thing. I've done my half of the work. The only reason the situation isn't getting fixed is because some people would rather us broken.
There are some people, who you will never be good enough for. It's those people that have the faults and insecurities. Sure I have faults and insecurities, but yours are far more pronounced.
Things suck. I made one mistake and they've made hundreds. The only mistake I made was saying how I felt, which doesn't sound like much of a mistake to me. The mistakes they've made have reduced our relationship to nothing but fights and have made both of us feel like we are worth nothing. I'm pretty sure a family isn't supposed to be like that, or have I just had good experiences and now I'm seeing reality?
I can't believe that your family won't grit their teeth and bear it. They should want you to be happy, because I'm pretty sure that's what families are about, or else what are you still doing there?
They choose to see that I'm a bitch who knows what to say to hurt people. They choose not to see that I'm just retaliating to all those horrible things they said about me.
They just choose to think I'm a bitch because it suits them. If they just think I'm a bitch than they don't have to think about what they've done wrong.
Just because some one has said sorry doesn't mean you can forget about all the nasty things they did before that.
They only said sorry, they never took it back because they meant it. They still do. That's why I don't need to be anywhere near them. They are horrible people with no regard for anyone's feelings, not even yours, and you're part of their family.
They won't listen to me. Would you listen to someone you hated? I didn't think so.
Nobody has ever bothered to get to know me. They all just chose to think I was a bitch, to think I was a slut, or whatever anyone else said about me. Nobody realises that I am actually a nice person, who's been in a couple of tricky situations, or made a couple of mistakes. There is nothing about me that is wrong. I've made mistakes, I've done bad things, but that doesn't make me a bad person. People just chose not to get to know me because it took effort, because it meant going against everyone else and not listening to what people were saying. They don't have to try if they just believe what people say. I never minded so much with the people at school, because I didn't want to get to know them either. Highschool is a horrible place, and it's better to waste your time studying than wondering why no one likes you and trying to make them like you. Now that I'm out of highschool though, it's still happening, with people that I would have thought to know better. I don't care what people think, but I do care what people do. I care how people treat me. I don't care that they haven't bothered to get to know me and find out how I'm feeling, because it's really how they make me feel that leads to what I say. I don't care about that. What I do care about is the fact that they'd rather make their son miserable than make an effort to put up with me. I was only rude to them because they were rude to me. I'm a teenager, I really don't have any other way to deal with things. She's forty something years old, and a mother, I thought she would be the one with decent negotiating skills, but instead I'm the one negotiating with my boyfriend so that we can try to be happy together because of the way they are treating us. I deal with what they put me through, but they can't deal with the fact that I might not just be a bitch.
I don't care that you don't like me, but I do care when you start treating me like I don't matter to anyone, because I do matter, just not to you.
We just want to be happy, but you seem hell bent on making sure that doesn't happen.
If the only way to stop you restricting our lives is to move out and get away from you physically than so be it.
One day that you will realise that things can be so much better, and you don't need these people that make you feel worthless.
When will things be ok? I need to know so that I can start looking forward to an actual time, not just an idea that things will get better one day.
I want things to get better so badly, but want has nothing to do with what actually happens. I've done all I can do, now it's your turn to finish what I started.
You think that I'm ok with this situation, but I'm really not. I hate it just as much as, or more than, you do. I so desperately want things to be different, but there's just nothing I can do about it right now. I've tried.
I'm tired of explaining to you why things aren't going so well. I just wish you'd believe me and try to do something about it.
Let's make a deal, I'll come to your house and try to forget being yelled at and threatened, and you'll ring your mum to tell her I'll be there and if she says no you can tell her what a horrible bitch she is, not to mention a bad mother. I think that's fair enough, because I really don't think you want me saying it again.
I never stopped writing, I just stopped posting it where they would find it. What I said today though is still true. They still made me feel that I couldn't post where I wanted to, so in a way I did stop. I've changed a lot though. A lot stays in, so there is a lot of negative emotion bottling up inside of me. Even though I'm not posting on that same site, I'm still being really cautious, which is taking so much time and effort. I'm trying not to say anything that would directly give away who I am, or who they are, because I have no doubt she meant what she said. I've even changed all of your names, even those who don't care that I write about them. What they're doing to me is taking it's toll. Writing is what I've always done, and they're trying to take that away from me. I'll never stop, and if it gets too much I'll just blow my cover on here and start posting where they can see it again.
I have so much more to say, but they just won't listen.
Pouring my heart out to a blog doesn't mean as much, but it sure brings much less trouble.
They make the worst of me come out. I'm going to try so hard to show you the best of me, because after all this, you deserve it. We both deserve to be happy.
There are times when I just want to grab you, hold you, kiss you and reassure you that things will be alright in the end, but sometimes that's just not appropriate, and I'd hate to lie to you. I don't know if things will be ok, I really just don't know.
I feel like I need to protect you from all the nastiness and hostility from those around us because I do feel partly responsible. I just want you to be happy, I just want us to be happy.
I'm not happy with the way things are at the moment.
There are so many things that I would love to change, but I would change nothing about me and nothing about you, just where we are, who we know and people that we have previously associated with that have brought us trouble. I would take us far, far away, to a place where none of this would ever have happened. We can live happily ever after. If only I could do that.
Don't say you don't love me, because I know you don't mean it. It's just the frustration talking.
I'm trying so hard to give you a happily ever after.
Well this didn't really turn out how I thought it would, but I do feel better now. I'll probably come back and do some more of this later. I need dinner, I'm just too hungry to concentrate at the present moment.
Emotionally unstable. Narcissistic. Boderline. Depressive. Pessimistic.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Things could be so much better. I'm doing all I can to fix them, but it's obviously not good enough.
This isn't really a one sided thing. I've done my half of the work. The only reason the situation isn't getting fixed is because some people would rather us broken.
There are some people, who you will never be good enough for. It's those people that have the faults and insecurities. Sure I have faults and insecurities, but yours are far more pronounced.
Things suck. I made one mistake and they've made hundreds. The only mistake I made was saying how I felt, which doesn't sound like much of a mistake to me. The mistakes they've made have reduced our relationship to nothing but fights and have made both of us feel like we are worth nothing. I'm pretty sure a family isn't supposed to be like that, or have I just had good experiences and now I'm seeing reality?
I can't believe that your family won't grit their teeth and bear it. They should want you to be happy, because I'm pretty sure that's what families are about, or else what are you still doing there?
They choose to see that I'm a bitch who knows what to say to hurt people. They choose not to see that I'm just retaliating to all those horrible things they said about me.
They just choose to think I'm a bitch because it suits them. If they just think I'm a bitch than they don't have to think about what they've done wrong.
Just because some one has said sorry doesn't mean you can forget about all the nasty things they did before that.
They only said sorry, they never took it back because they meant it. They still do. That's why I don't need to be anywhere near them. They are horrible people with no regard for anyone's feelings, not even yours, and you're part of their family.
They won't listen to me. Would you listen to someone you hated? I didn't think so.
Nobody has ever bothered to get to know me. They all just chose to think I was a bitch, to think I was a slut, or whatever anyone else said about me. Nobody realises that I am actually a nice person, who's been in a couple of tricky situations, or made a couple of mistakes. There is nothing about me that is wrong. I've made mistakes, I've done bad things, but that doesn't make me a bad person. People just chose not to get to know me because it took effort, because it meant going against everyone else and not listening to what people were saying. They don't have to try if they just believe what people say. I never minded so much with the people at school, because I didn't want to get to know them either. Highschool is a horrible place, and it's better to waste your time studying than wondering why no one likes you and trying to make them like you. Now that I'm out of highschool though, it's still happening, with people that I would have thought to know better. I don't care what people think, but I do care what people do. I care how people treat me. I don't care that they haven't bothered to get to know me and find out how I'm feeling, because it's really how they make me feel that leads to what I say. I don't care about that. What I do care about is the fact that they'd rather make their son miserable than make an effort to put up with me. I was only rude to them because they were rude to me. I'm a teenager, I really don't have any other way to deal with things. She's forty something years old, and a mother, I thought she would be the one with decent negotiating skills, but instead I'm the one negotiating with my boyfriend so that we can try to be happy together because of the way they are treating us. I deal with what they put me through, but they can't deal with the fact that I might not just be a bitch.
I don't care that you don't like me, but I do care when you start treating me like I don't matter to anyone, because I do matter, just not to you.
We just want to be happy, but you seem hell bent on making sure that doesn't happen.
If the only way to stop you restricting our lives is to move out and get away from you physically than so be it.
One day that you will realise that things can be so much better, and you don't need these people that make you feel worthless.
When will things be ok? I need to know so that I can start looking forward to an actual time, not just an idea that things will get better one day.
I want things to get better so badly, but want has nothing to do with what actually happens. I've done all I can do, now it's your turn to finish what I started.
You think that I'm ok with this situation, but I'm really not. I hate it just as much as, or more than, you do. I so desperately want things to be different, but there's just nothing I can do about it right now. I've tried.
I'm tired of explaining to you why things aren't going so well. I just wish you'd believe me and try to do something about it.
Let's make a deal, I'll come to your house and try to forget being yelled at and threatened, and you'll ring your mum to tell her I'll be there and if she says no you can tell her what a horrible bitch she is, not to mention a bad mother. I think that's fair enough, because I really don't think you want me saying it again.
I never stopped writing, I just stopped posting it where they would find it. What I said today though is still true. They still made me feel that I couldn't post where I wanted to, so in a way I did stop. I've changed a lot though. A lot stays in, so there is a lot of negative emotion bottling up inside of me. Even though I'm not posting on that same site, I'm still being really cautious, which is taking so much time and effort. I'm trying not to say anything that would directly give away who I am, or who they are, because I have no doubt she meant what she said. I've even changed all of your names, even those who don't care that I write about them. What they're doing to me is taking it's toll. Writing is what I've always done, and they're trying to take that away from me. I'll never stop, and if it gets too much I'll just blow my cover on here and start posting where they can see it again.
I have so much more to say, but they just won't listen.
Pouring my heart out to a blog doesn't mean as much, but it sure brings much less trouble.
They make the worst of me come out. I'm going to try so hard to show you the best of me, because after all this, you deserve it. We both deserve to be happy.
There are times when I just want to grab you, hold you, kiss you and reassure you that things will be alright in the end, but sometimes that's just not appropriate, and I'd hate to lie to you. I don't know if things will be ok, I really just don't know.
I feel like I need to protect you from all the nastiness and hostility from those around us because I do feel partly responsible. I just want you to be happy, I just want us to be happy.
I'm not happy with the way things are at the moment.
There are so many things that I would love to change, but I would change nothing about me and nothing about you, just where we are, who we know and people that we have previously associated with that have brought us trouble. I would take us far, far away, to a place where none of this would ever have happened. We can live happily ever after. If only I could do that.
Don't say you don't love me, because I know you don't mean it. It's just the frustration talking.
I'm trying so hard to give you a happily ever after.
Well this didn't really turn out how I thought it would, but I do feel better now. I'll probably come back and do some more of this later. I need dinner, I'm just too hungry to concentrate at the present moment.