in that mood
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Hold for eight counts.
Breathe out, slowly.
Concentrate.
Concentrate on the breathing.
Nothing else. There is nothing else.
Ok. I'm weird. I'm in one of those weird crazy moods where nothing makes sense but everything does. Where all I want is to not think, but all I can do is think. I can't shut it off. I don't want to think. I don't even know what I'm thinking about. What triggers these little thought trips? I have no idea. I was watching Grey's Anatomy and now my thoughts are racing so fast I can't even stop them to grasp what they might be about.
I'm down. I think. Maybe. Am I? I really couldn't say. That's the fucking problem really.
Damn it. I know what it was. It was fucking going through old LJ entries from October 2007 and retagging them, and to do that I had to read them and reading them caused me to relive them and now I'm back hating Mark and his family and feeling absolutely utterly shit because I fucked everything up. I really need to get a hold of this meditation thing so that I can stop these thoughts from coming, or at least be able to not pay attention to them. I was doing it the whole time I was loading this blog and this page, hence the top part. I can recognise thoughts, but I'm still claiming them, still feeling what they make me feel.
I don't feel completely bad. I just feel, weird. Like not exactly here. Like back there, but not exactly. Like I don't know. Like I was there but just watching, watching this poor, fucked up girl get herself into more fucked up situations and knowing that she'd hate it some day but that didn't matter because even if she could go back and take it all back she wouldn't.
And I think I just snapped out of it. Weird.
I feel very odd right now. I think I need sleep. I think the third codeine tablet for my headache might have been a bad idea, but I took that like six hours ago anyway. I think it's the heat. Plus being tired. And having a headache. And just being odd. And reading Ally's remark on my latest entry about Melissa and realising that she's taking this whole thing differently than I am, and maybe I should be more careful. And just everything. This last fifteen minutes has been very weird.
Today has been hot. This summer has been hot. The heat wave that hit down in Melbourne and Geelong is expected to hit Sydney this week. For us they rekon we'll hit 40 degrees on Friday, and 41 degrees on Saturday. I swear it's nearly been that hot, but the weather site I look on tells me it was only like 36 degrees but it felt way hotter. I'm so over this heat. I mean, I love the heat, but I also love being able to work without getting headaches, and being able to walk home from work without getting sunburnt, not that that's happened yet. But I'm sure it will. I also like going out during the day, when it's not too hot. Hot, but not like 40, that's crazy. I think that's where I got my headache from today. The heat. Although I'm not sure. I do seem to be getting a lot of headaches lately, and it is quite hot, but it might be something else.
I'm dreaming dreams that I've dreamt before, and putting different characters into them. I dreamt one the other night that I've had a few times, and I can't remember it. I just know that I've had it before. I recognise it while I'm in it, and after I wake up, but I can never remember enough detail to make sense of it. It was the same last night, just a different dream. I woke up feeling like watching Twilight, because I put Edward Cullen (non-vampire, sadly) as the main male character, who I was in love with, who my best friend (which wasn't Ally, I don't know who it was) was in love with as well, and she thought he loved her, but we snuck around a hotel, into a restaurant, talked to someone's parents (I'm not sure if they were mine, or hers, or his, or anyone's really, I'm sure I knew when I was there) and then I broke her heart and we ran off together. And I broke her heart in a really bitching way too. And I think there was swimming involved. And a kiss, that may or may not have gotten interrupted.
It's just weird. I used to have the same few dreams all the time. I've noticed lately that I don't dream much anymore. And I remember less. And now I'm just having repeats with different characters. I wish I dreamt more. I wish my mind was creative. I'm sure it's probably because I'm medicated, even though I'm not medicated heavily. I want to get back to being creative.
I was texting Jen again today. I think she's beginning to trust me more, which is definately a good thing. She's so lost, and in a situation that should't be bad but it is for her. She's quite pressured, but all she needs to do is realise that she can get out of it, because as long as she thinks she can't, she won't be able to. But she won't believe until she does it, so it hasn't happened yet. I hate that cycle. It's trapped me a few times, and even though I know it and can recognise it sometimes I don't get out of it. She asked me why I cared so much today, with a "no offence" tacked on the end. So I told her. I told her that people have their own stories, and that I'm sitting over here with my own issues on my own medication and seeing a psychologist, just so she wouldn't feel so alone. It helped, I can tell that. She didn't expect it, she even said so. It just goes to show that we're all better at hiding it than we think really. She never would have guessed me, but I've suspected her for a while, since Tara's party and that whole incident. I always wanted to be there for her, but she didn't want to open up. Now little parts of her suffering are splashing across Facebook and into her health and into work, and I really hope she starts to deal with it soon.
I have a feeling that there was something I was planning on writing, but I really can't remember.
Oh, wait, that's right. Mark thinks I'm on drugs. We were at Mum's last night for dinner, a bbq in the backyard. And I was so, so tired, because I couldn't wake up again yesterday morning (or this morning for that matter). And after dinner, we were sitting on the swing chair, well within hearing range, and I was telling Mark about my conversation with Melissa, about the boobs and the sex and the being special and all of it. And I'm sure I wasn't whispering, or I was, but badly. He kept going "shh! are you on drugs", and to be honest, I felt like I was I was that damn tired. But I hadn't taken a thing, not even a panadol with codeine in it for the headache. I felt like I was drunk. It was the weirdest thing ever. Drunk while sober. Now if I could make something that does that I'd be rich. All getting drunk and having fun without the nasty headache afterwards.
I love talking to Adam. We have such candid conversations that should be big deep and meaningful chats. We talk about everything. Before it was the girl he's in love with, and now it's him being biased and thinking that I'm hotter over so many other girls because he knows and loved me and all that, and thinking that I am more beautiful than other people when he doesn't know them. Beauty isn't just about looks, or well that's what I think anyway. But I don't have a penis, and therefore can think clearly. But it's great talking to him. We haven't lost anything, when we're not in touch.