NoJoMo 4
So it's the 5th today, and day five, but I still wanted to do this challenge from the NoJoMo diary and I was way too tired to do it last night, after a long and complicated Cup Day, which I'm going to write about after I do this. Today's (or rather yesterday's) challenge is to write a short story inspired by this photograph:
So here goes. It's probably not going to be long, although it's possible I could get carried away. I also didn't want it to be too morbid, but it will be, and I can't help that (seriously, Ally knows what I'm talking about!)
I imagined myself walking across the bridge. It looked very sturdy, but for some inside reason I was terrified to walk across. The sky was a clear blue, way too clear for today. Especially when such a storm was raging here within me. For once I wished that the weather would imitate my feelings, just so today would be as dramatic as it should be. As dramatic as it would be for me. Although, the sunshine and endless blue skies sent out the message of an anti-climax. That today, that I, didn't matter that much at all. That this would go unnoticed. Today would be remembered as a beautiful, warm, blue skied day. The day that pushed the storm clouds away. Although no one will know that they were pushed out of the sky and into my mind.
I sat with my eyes closed. In my mind I could see myself run across the bridge joyfully. I turned to beckon myself out to the middle, and the imaginary me swayed the bridge playfully. Or at least tried to. In my imagination, however, we were on a less sturdy looking bridge, one that could easily be swayed. The look in my eyes as I stood on the bridge, beckoning the real me to the middle, was playful, daring almost. "I dare you to do this, I bet you can't" was what my mind was telling me. I couldn't fight with myself, but I didn't want to do what I wanted either. The decision was too hard, and I closed my eyes harder to push myself from my own mind. The me on the bridge changed. I wasn't beckoning anymore, I was laughing, a cruel laugh that had me know that I was too chicken to do what I wanted. I wouldn't give in. I wouldn't give up either.
I opened my eyes quickly, trying to push that laugh out of my head with the clear blue skies. "Today didn't have to be the day" I thought, but it did. There was no reasoning with the part of me that was stronger. My mind was already made up, the arguing thoughts just a low, dull voice in the background.
There was no one around me. There wasn't even a sign of any wildlife at all. The only sign of movement was the wind rustling through the trees, to let me know that this world still existed. The water beneath the bridge was calm. It always was calm. This place was just calm. A good opposition to the fight that was raging in my head. There was a reason I liked this place, and it wasn't just because of the bridge. Here there was nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I came where when distractions were not wanted. There was no people, no friends or family, no animals, no sounds, no voices in my ear telling me that things were going to be alright. They weren't. Why could no one see that? Well things would be alright, but not in the sense that everyone had meant. They would be alright for me. I didn't care about anybody else.
I braced myself slowly, and stood. It was almost as if some invisible force was holding me where I was sitting. Was I strong enough to break free? I was. I was strong enough to do whatever I wanted, and weak enough at the same time. I closed my eyes as I reached the standing position, "am I really going to do this?". The answer was yes. Yes I really was going to do this. And if I didn't, at least I knew it was what I wanted. I knew that I would do it someday, sooner, rather than later. I took one step forward, and then another, slowly and evenly. I didn't want to disturb the stillness and calmness with my selfishness and want to hurry. I grabbed the rail of the bridge for support when I placed one careful foot over the threshold. I looked down at the bridge, up at the sky, and then forward to my destination. I didn't look at the water. I already knew how far down it was. I knew that this bridge covered the rocky area. I knew that the water was shallow.
I had to refrain from running. I wanted to, but at the same time I wanted to walk slowly. I wanted to run to get it over with, nerves slowly creeping up from an unexpected place. I wanted to savour the moment though. Savour doing what I've wanted for so long. Savour the freedom. This was my time, my place, the end to my life.
So yes, I do realise that was a little depressing, but I've always been better at writing that sort of thing. I stopped myself for fear of getting too carried away. I'm feeling alright this morning, and I didn't want to ruin it.