an off day
Yesterday was a bad day. Thankfully I woke up in a good mood this morning. I'm not sure if I could take another day like yesterday. It's not just the being in a bad mood all day, but the lack of energy and motivation. I had planned to get things done yesterday, but I sat around doing nothing all day. I cut my leg three times yesterday, and worse than the others too. I played with one a bit, and made it bleed a lot. I was just so frustrated over the drug thing. I thought I might ring Mum yesterday and go over town, but I didn't really feel like speaking to her. I kind of feel like I'm over reacting to this a whole lot, but with everything I sait about it in my last entry, I really am hurt.
Mark messaged me almost immediately after I cut myself. It freaked me out a little, so I told him. He just asked me what I was doing, so I said I wasn't feeling too good and that I'd cut my leg again. I thought he would be upset, because it upsets him that I do it, but he said thanks for telling him. It's good, because it meant that he didn't have to find out by accidentally seeing them. We texted for a while even though he was supposed to be working, and I walked up to see him. He said he'd buy me a movie or something to watch so I would have something to do, but I didn't really want to watch anything. I showed him my cuts, and he was a little upset because they're bigger than the other ones. I went and bought meat for dinner, and bought the new Cosmo magazine, and he gave me money for that. I was thinking of buying a new book, but if I bought a new book I'd want to read it right now, and I've restarted Reaching Out in hopes of helping myself, and I have another Jodi Picoult book that Mark's mum lent me, so I need to read those first.
Mark came home for lunch yesterday which was nice. I told him I didn't really want to be alone, and I had no motivation to do anything. I'm not sure what I did yesterday afternoon that took up the whole of the afternoon, and we didn't do much after Mark got home either. We sat and talked, and then moved to the bedroom and laid down and talked. I was in such a disagreeable mood yesterday. I said how I hated everything I owned, and wanted a whole new wardrobe because all my clothes were old and out of fashion. It's not true, I have some nice clothes, I just don't have any new summer ones. I talked about how I hate everything I have been given, and that I feel like no one really knows me, and that I don't even really know myself. I've always been given cat things, because for a while I was "Kat" (then I was "Katrina" and now I'm "Trina" to some) and I don't really actually like cats that much. I'm allergic to the fluffier ones, and Mum has cats at home but I never play with them. I have so many cat ornaments and things that I'm just over it. I also have lots of frangipani things, because I discovered frangipanis the first year we went to the holiday park we always went to, and I loved them. They are really nice flowers, and they smell nice, but they're so overdone now. Every second car has frangipani stickers on it, and it's not really special anymore. They're not just my thing. I told Mark that for valentine's day next year I want orchards (not sure of the spelling on that one) instead of roses. Last year he bought me a rose and a bunch of fake frangipanis, which was really nice and thoughtful.
Mark had a little rest, and I lay there next to him and I felt a bit calmer. After I ranted I felt better because I'd gotten it all out and he listened. I let him sleep for about ten minutes, but then I woke him because we had to have dinner. We sat on my floor and I went through my make up case from my cupboard (which I like, amazingly) and we smelt all my little Stitch perfumes that I have and discovered which ones we liked. I looked at a frangipani set I have, which is body butter, body wash and a candle, and a Red Door set I have, which is perfume, a handbag size perfume, a body lotion and a body wash. I got the Red Door for my 18th off Pop, and I think it's more tradition than anything else because it's a little bit on the expensive rich side. It's nice, but I feel like it's for older people. I probably won't start wearing it for a few more years.
Mark went around to Daniel's about about 8:15pm, and then he had indoor soccer at 9:30pm so he wasn't going to be home until about 10pm. I didn't feel like doing anything on my own, so I watched NCIS, which was the next thing on the TV. I don't usually watch TV, but when I'm in a mood like that the best way to get through it is to do something mindless, and TV does that. I could have watched a Smallville or a Gossip Girl, or even a House or an OC, but I just watched the TV. I was too lazy to get up and change it. I went to sleep just as Mark got home, and then he woke me up at 1am when he came to bed.
This morning I woke up in a much better mood. I don't know what it was about yesterday but it was just an off day. It's the worst I've had in a while. I was down before I wrote the blog about the drugs, but I was worse after that. This morning I got up before Mark, and I did a few things after my shower. I didn't want to go on the compute because my typing is too loud, or so he says. He complains about it when he's asleep because he says he can hear it and it keeps him awake! I did a whole big body routine after my shower. I rubbed cream on my legs, and rubbed some cream on my thighs and but, because I have stretch marks that I really want to fade. I don't know how well the cream I use actually works, but it's worth a shot. I rubbed paw paw cream on my fingers because I really do want to stop picking at them, and paw paw cream is amazing for healing things. I filed some paper work, and put some washing on, and tidied up a little bit. When Mark woke up I talked to him while he was in the shower, and threw out a whole heap of bottles of stuff that we don't use anymore. I rewrote my to do list, and had breakfast with Mark, even though we only had a drink each. It's only early, but I feel like it's going to be a good day. I'm hoping to get onto Mum so we can go shopping, because I have to get a photo mounted for TAFE.
Here's hoping I can keep up the good mood for the rest of the day.