life love and sex
So I had all good intentions of coming back and finishing the entry I wrote last night, but now I feel like I have a different perspective. I was also pretty tired last night. After I got off I walked up to pick Mark up from work because he didn't have an umbrella or his car, so I walked up and bought him an umbrella and we walked home in the rain. Then he had a sleep while I did some reading, and then we cooked dinner and watched a CSI:Miami. Then we just sat around before deciding to go to bed.
We went to bed but we didn't go to sleep straight away. We just sat around talking about random things. He looked through my phone to annoy me because he wouldn't give me his so I could look through it. I wanted to read the texts from Emma and to Emma but he said he deleted them anyway. He went through my photos and found all my sexy naked ones that I'd taken when I'd sent them to Precious, and he found some of Precious. He was like "who's ring is that? who did you sleep with? wait, they're definately not your boobs!". It took some convincing to tell him that I didn't actually sleep with Precious. He was turned on, but then he got annoyed because I hadn't told him I did the photo swap with her. I don't think he was as annoyed as he made out he was though because he come back up the stairs into the bedroom two minutes later.
Mark was trying to get Emma over as well last night. She goes all weird and won't text him back. I think she tries to sort stuff out because she must feel so weird. She thought I didn't know, so it would seem to her as if he was just cheating on me. I told him to tell her that I was ok with it and that I knew but he wouldn't. After Friday night, when she first came over, she said no to doing it again because of me, because she was under the impression that I didn't know, and he told her to text me and I'd say it was all alright. She didn't text me, but I actually wouldn't be surprised if she didn't have my number anyway because I had deleted hers. Last night Mark was getting annoyed because she wouldn't reply so he asked me to text her to tell her it was alright so I did. I had to get her number off him and I stuck my name at the bottom of it so she'd know who it was. Even after I'd texted her she still didn't text Mark back. I told him she wouldn't have come around anyway because it was raining pretty heavily, and even though she is only across the drive she'd still get soaked. I went to bed early so that she could come over, but I was pretty tired anyway. She didn't come over, and I kind of knew she wouldn't. She must feel so weird about this whole situation. I seen her when I went to meet Mark yesterday afternoon and she smiled at me and said hello, but other than that we don't really talk much. I don't know if me talking to her would help or hinder Mark's situation with her.
I got heaps of sleep last night but I'm still tired. Actually I'm just exhausted. It rained all night, which woke us up a few times. It still looks pretty dreary today but it's not raining now.
I don't think I like Precious. I had a think about it, and when Mark was all like "what do you mean you don't think she's interested?" after looking at the photos I couldn't shake the thought that she wasn't interested because that's just how it seems. He told me to ask her, and I have tried but everytime I want to mention it something else comes up. I think I'm bored with the chase now. In my opinion, it's obvious that she and I aren't going to sleep together. Especially now that she's kind of back with that guy. The thing is, I don't know if I want to sleep with her anymore. She's hot as, but I had fun when I stayed there and we were friends. I feel like when it comes to girls, I've somewhere blurred the line between being friends and being together, so I ended up with Amy, who I probably shouldn't have slept with, and Melissa, who probably should have just stayed as someone to sleep with. If I'd not slept with Amy I wouldn't have fallen out with her so badly (although probably still would have because of Sarah). If I'd not gotten close to Melissa than I would never have loved her and we could have just stayed as lovers. If I push the issue of sex with Precious maybe it'll just screw things up more.
I really am happy to finally have a friend here. A close one. I've been really lonely without Ally and Charlotte, since I lost the likes of people like Amy and Emily. I have friends at work like Nat and Andie, but they know nothing about me. I need someone I can relate to. Someone I can talk to about anything, and who isn't going to judge me. With Ally ten hours away, that's kind of hard. I had a lot of fun staying the night with Precious and just talking about random things. I don't want to ruin that with sex because I seem to get way too attached way too easily when it comes to sex. I think I might still ask her if she would sleep with me, just out of curiousity, but if she says no I won't be hurt by it. So I think from this moment Precious has made the transition from girl I want to sleep with to close friend who I don't want to sleep with.
And now for today's news. I've only been up for two hours but the world has already came to a standstill.
Mark isn't in a happy mood this morning. He just left for work. He said that he was upset by the fact that he had to go elsewhere for sexual pleasure, by the fact that I just didn't seem to try in this relationship. He said he knows I'm on the pill, and now I'm on Lovan (which both decrease libido), but he's hurt by the fact that I never seem to try. I will admit that we hardly ever have sex, but it's not his fault like he thinks it is. I think he thinks that I just don't love him, that I'm too interested in girls to be with him. I really do love him with everything I have. The problem isn't that he's going elsewhere and feeling bad about it. The problem is me.
I do try. Not very often but I do. Sex just isn't something that is on my mind a lot. I don't miss it when we don't have it, because my mind and body don't want it. I'm just lacking everything that makes me want to have sex. I'd go off the pill if that would help, but it's not just my main form of contraception. I initially went on it to regulate my periods, and the fact that Mark and I had started having sex was kind of just a coincidence. I don't know if I want to change birth control now while things with my body are already unstable anyway. I would love to have a normal sex drive, but there isn't many things that are normal with me.
I froze up when he said that all this morning. I didn't have the words. I didn't know what he wanted to hear, and which would be worse. I did try, last night, but he didn't pick up on it. I was in a really calm mood, and I wanted a massage, but his heart wasn't in the massage that he was giving me, and then he said he was too tired for sex, and then he looked through my phone and got annoyed at me, and then we started trying to get Emma over here and then I went to bed. The mood was gone because he didn't realise that him giving me a massage would lead to sex, like it usually does. I didn't know if he wanted to hear that, or if he just wanted to hear that I don't ever feel like trying. I think I kind of said both, right when he was walking out the door. I told him about last night, how I wanted a massage, and then I said that I don't ever feel like it because of how screwed up I am at the moment. He told me I wasn't screwed up, that I seemed to be happier. I don't think I seem happier this morning now. He gave me a kiss when he left, which is an improvement on the situation. He said he didn't want to break up with me, he just wanted me to try. I have tried. Sometimes I try and I fail. Most of the time I'm too tired or too down to try. I might seem ok a lot of the time, but I'm really not. I might laugh and be happy, but inside there's still something there that isn't quite right.
Now I'm even more anxious for my appointment today. I'm walking, even though it's nasty as outside. It's not raining at the moment, but I have an umbrella, and maybe a nice walk in the rain would be relaxing. I'm going to leave in like the next twenty minutes because I don't know where it is and I don't know how long it will take to get there. There will be an entry after it.