thinking negatively
Today feels weird. Kind of like it's not real. Kind of like a dream that I'm likely to wake up from any minute. I wish. It'd be nice to wake up somewhere different. As someone different.
I don't even feel down today. Sometimes I mope around the house all sad like. Today rather I'm just in a weird mood. I'm not down, but compared to happy people I am down. The fact that I still have the thoughts that I have reassures me that I am actually depressed and not just being all angsty, which is a thought I've fought so much with. Maybe I am really just this way? Maybe this is just life and I'm not a happy person? Maybe there's nothing wrong with me? I'm sure that there is.
I'm just really unsettled. I needed something earlier to calm me down, and it did just that. I don't really feel any better though. My mind is still racing. I still feel like I'm wondering around in a daze. My legs feel really heavy and weak today, and it was really hard to work for just four hours. I don't feel as tired at the moment though, although I've found that I'm least tired in the afternoon. Although I'm awake, I'm still not in any mindset to study or do housework. I tried this morning before work and failed. I know I should listen to a lecture or do the washing up but knowing that I should still isn't enough to motivate me. I'm officially on mid semester break for uni anyway, so I can not listen for a little while I guess.
When I went to work today it felt like I wasn't really there. Something like heightened senses where I could see and hear everything and the light hurt my eyes and I didn't feel like I was looking at what was in front of me, rather looking at what I thought was in front of me. I just didn't feel there. I just didn't feel like a real person. I don't really know how to describe it. It was kind of odd. Something that happens often though. I don't think I ever really feel like I'm anywhere. Maybe I'm just comfortable at home and no where else.
My four hour shift today was bad. I don't get a break for four hours, and it doesn't help on days like this where there's one thought not to eat that my workplace kind of unintentionally encourages that thought. I ate a packet of TicTacs and a few chocolate freckles and thought "I'll have to eat something when I finish" because I was starving, but part of me didn't want to eat anything after and see how long I could go for or see what it was like to be that hungry. I haven't been that hungry in a while. It doesn't help that that nauseous feeling is creeping back and I can't really tell between being hungry and wanting to throw up. I did eat though. I bought a chicken schniztel and ate it on the way home. I'm toying with the idea of not having dinner, even though I know how bad that is. I'm really trying not to think like this.
I've never really had a problem with food. It's weird that I'm having eating issues now. The only food issue I've had was back in highschool where I stopped eating for a week as a way of concentrating on something other than my life falling apart due to friends and enemies. I know I'm not fat, not in any sense of the word (even though I just put some old pants on and had to struggle to do them up, which made me feel horrible). I think controlling food is just another way to hurt myself. And hurting myself isn't about punishment, it's about getting control and stopping the thoughts buzzing through my head. It's all about feeling better and becoming settled. Mark is going to poker tonight so it'll be easy not to eat, even though by that time I'll probably be starving.
I still feel like I'm not my own person. When I'm drunk, I act as drunk as whoever I am with. If that person is a happy drunk than I am a happy drunk. I've never really been drunk on my own, so I don't know if I am a happy/sad/angry/flirty/whatever drunk. Now when I drink I just act like whoever I'm with. Maybe it's the same with life. Usually I can tell when Mark is upset with me, even before he talks to me, so then I get upset. Not at him, not at myself, but just in general. I talk to a fair few people who are depressed or have food issues themselves, so I feel like I'm just taking on their issues and claiming them as my own. I don't know why. Have I ever been my own person? This line of thought makes me feel like I've just been lying for nearly twenty years.
I'm going to post a photo entry later on this afternoon. I've been meaning to for a while, and I'm getting sick of writing the same depressing feelings over and over again because I'm not sure if anyone much is really paying attention. Everyone's heard it all before. Maybe I really am just pathetic, but this is who I am and I need to get these things out. I probably over do the posting bit because I can update like three or four times a day, but I need to at the moment.