a way to cope
So I found something that stops the jittery feeling. I feel pathetic for doing it, but I know I could do so much worse. If I thought admitting that I might actually be depressed was bad, than this is going to be so much harder. I've become a lot of things this year, and I wasn't sure that this would be one of them, but now it is. It's something that makes me feel calm, even when my hands are still shaking. It's something that takes the stomach pain away momentarily. It's something that puts my mind to rest, even if it is only temporary. Rest assured, it's probably not something I will do all the time. I know what I'm doing, and I know exactly how bad, how dangerous and how addictive it is, but now that I've started I'm not sure if I can stop. If I want to stop.
I'm not feeling too good today. It's not from the medication. It's from the reason I went on them in the first place. I'm not even really down, just completely unsettled. I just don't feel right.