Fic: Moving Toward Normalcy
Title: Moving Toward Normalcy
Author: Me a.k.a.
kuro_nyoko
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Genre: Romance, with a pinch of angst.
Rating: PG-13-ish, I guess. Just to be on the safe side, I suppose.
Words: Just under 1400
Era: Post Azkaban
Summary: Sirius is once again living with Remus. Many things are different this time around, but some things, they find, cannot be changed.
Disclaimer: I only wish I invented them. They aren't mine.
Two men, relatively young yet each quite aged and worn by time, sit across a table from one another eating their chicken in silence. They each look up to steal a glance at the other every few minutes. The tawny haired man checks to see if the man across is still here. The pale, tattooed man looks to study the new scars on other’s visible skin and wonder what their stories are.
The tattooed man breaks the silence by first clearing his throat, “Remus?” he starts.
Remus does not look up from his plate when he grunts in response.
Sirius wishes he would get more than a mere grunt out of Remus, though he isn’t surprised by the action. He’s been getting things like grunts and one or two word answers for most things since he’s returned. He doesn’t blame Remus, really. He understands. Remus is an emotional wreck--too much changed too fast to make this outcome something wrong. One day Remus wakes up to find James, Lily, and Peter all dead because of the one person he cared most about for no discernable reason, then a lonely summer day he stumbles across this shabby Black dog with some story of innocence making everything he knew about his best friends’ deaths all lies. It’s really all too much to take, and he understands that.
“Remus, I…” Sirius pauses.
“What, Sirius?”
“Moony,” Sirius begins slowly. The nickname prompts Remus’ head to spring up.
“Sirius, what did you just call me?” There is a grave shake in Remus’ voice.
“Moony.”
“I… I though you didn‘t remember…”
“I remember more than you probably think,” Sirius begins quetly as his eyes fix on the mug of tea in front of him. “Whenever the Dementors were around, I… when I felt them taking you away, I… I turned into Padfoot, I… I wouldn‘t… I refused to let them take you.”
“Padfoot…”
“Some things are missing. Sometimes I wouldn‘t be quick enough and they‘d get something, but for the most part,” Sirius pasues again. “Well you‘re… I mean, I remember you the most.”
Remus stares at the man across from him in disbelief.
“I remember us… playing some pranks on underclassmen. Not many of the details, but I know they were all pretty brilliant. I remember lots of books and a lot of chocolate and a probably a bit too much firewhiskey. I remember full moons and the morning after with Madame Pay, Pan, Pom… what was her name? Nevermind. Oh, I remember when I first saw you; all quiet and shy, wearing hand-me-down robes and eating chocolate frogs like they were going out of style. I guess out of nervousness. One of the more vivid things is the day you moved in with me…”
Remus remembers the night vividly, too, even after having tried to push it as far out of his brain as he could. Remus wonders just how vivid Sirius remembers.
It was only a few days after graduation and the excitement that filled the air that day would have infected anybody with in a five mile radius. James, Lily and Peter came over for a Move-In/Help-Remus-Unpack-All-His-Junk party, at the end of which only a few small boxes had actually been unpacked; the rest of the boxes became makeshift tables for pizza and firewhiskey. Everything seemed so new and different and fresh, though it wasn’t a big stretch from his a visit to Sirius’ flat the summer before; except this was to be a longer, more permanent visit that lacked the constant presence of James and Peter.
Remus is unsure about Sirius’ stance on the matter, but it is the night Remus marks as the first time he and Sirius really, truly, made love.
Sure, there had been some desperate but loving shags while they were at school, but they hardly had the opportunity for more than quick encounters that could hardly be called sex, let alone love making; there was always some prefect who needed to use the bathroom, someone who might have been woken up, some student who might have been lurking around the corner, or some professor that suddenly really needed to use an old abandoned classroom. They blamed Snape for that last one.
That night they didn’t need to worry about intruders or open ears. It was their own flat with their own rules and all the time in the world. It was slow and passionate. Loving and intense. Hot and exciting. Despite the terror of the war looming overhead, the world was perfect that night.
For the past twelve years the memory of that night, at best, was bitter. Remus didn’t want to give it the satisfaction of being called bittersweet. It disgusted him and had brought shots of pain to his heart when he thought about it; letting that traitorous, murderous bastard take advantage of him, unaware of the betrayal he held in his very arms. He couldn’t believe he lived under the same roof as someone who was living the very adage ‘keep your friends close but your enemies closer.’
“Moony, I…” Remus shakes his head a little bit, startled out of the memory he hadn’t realized he’d been replaying in his mind.
“Um, yes, Sirius?”
“Do you still love me?” Sirius asks with out a hint of emotion in his voice. Without a hint of anything, really. Like asking to pass the butter.
Remus looks down at the table, not prepared for such a question.
“I remember you saying it. A few times. Do you… do you still?”
Remus didn’t want to tell him no. He didn’t want to tell him that he had stopped that Halloween, all those years ago. He couldn’t bring himself to admit that he held a deep hatred toward him for the past twelve years. But now he was confused; was it really his Sirius who had betrayed him? No. It wasn’t his Sirius--it wasn’t Sirius at all, his or otherwise. It wasn’t the Sirius he’d been pre-occupied hating. The same, guilty psuedo-Sirius that had been running about evilly in his mind, while the real, innocent Sirius wasted away in prison, burdened with the truth.
He remembers how his heart jumped distinctly when he the truth was all fully made clear to him. For some reason, though, he hadn’t registered the feeling until now. It jumped like it had whenever Sirius had smiled at him, or held him, or was just plain around. He thought it was just surprise at the time.
No matter what he answers, he reasons, Sirius will never have him. Not after the cold shoulders and the grunts he‘s given him. There was once a time when Sirius accepted him. A time when the only burdens on Remus’ shoulders were his scars, lycanthropy, and studying for NEWTs. Now he’s older and his shoulders hoist up more pain than the 18 year old boy inside him could have ever imagined.
“I see…” Sirius says after a few moments without an answer. He gets up and leaves the kitchen and goes to bed.
Remus slams a fist to the table a few minutes later and makes his way to the bedroom doorway.
“Sirius?”
Sirius grunts from the bed, his back facing Remus.
“I do, you know. Still. Love you. Never stopped.”
Sirius is silent for a while. “Good.” he manages eventually. He turns slightly to look over his shoulder.
They hold each other in a silent stare for a while. Both unsure of it’s implications.
Remus turns to make his way toward the couch, his make-shift bed for the past few months, when he hears Sirius’ voice again. “Me, too. Still.”
Remus looks over his shoulder toward the bed to find Sirius turned away, pulling the sheets of the bed over his shoulders.
They don’t hug, let alone kiss. No touches or deep expressions of longing or need are exchanged. Each man knows it is not yet the time for such gestures. It’s too soon. The only thing shared that night is merely a sort of quiet understanding that despite all the pain and confusion, they are beginning to move forward toward some form of normalcy.
End