update...
so this summer... what little there has been of it, is like a frickin rollercoaster of emotions for me...
i'm having a lot of trouble adjusting down here. And some days are better than others. But hearing people talk about how they get to hang out with friends makes it really tough. like tonight charles is having some people over to hang out and drink and stay the night. and it just really makes me miss doing that type of stuff with my friends. and everyone in the office is 23+. i'm going to a party tonight that one guy in the office is having, but i don't know how it will turn out. my roommate seems to be getting along with them a lot better, mostly because he has a dick. all the women at my firm are either engaged or married or have children. and i'm stuck on their half of the office.
but i feel horrible. all the trouble i'm having i'm laying on charles. i just feel like a huge burden. he just sounds so irritated with me all the time. like he is slowly losing patience. and as jennifer suggested... i'm trying to "can the crazy". but it's really hard. i don't know when he is going to visit, and that is driving me crazy. if i just knew... and being away from him made me realize how much i like him, and i want to tell him, and i can't because we talked about not saying stuff like that till after summer.
how the fuck has it only been 2 weeks. it feels like it's been an eternity. and i miss him so so much. and i'm so jealous that he isn't as miserable as me. which is probably also driving me nuts. i just miss being with him. i haven't gotten along with somebody i'm dating that well since... well... ever? or maybe it was matthew. and that was a good relationship until he turned out to be a failure at life. and i feel good about me and charles. so i really need to can it up, or i'm going to end up driving him away. that's why i'm going to write here more. to can the crazy.
i also think i'm gaining weight. which considering i'm not eating much each day... how? and i wanted to work out more but i'm so tired. i need to start trying to go to our stupid fitness center.
argh. i hate my own brain. i think way too much. i wish i were more outgoing so i could make friends easier. and i wish i weren't trying to cling to charles. i need to relax. i know we are going to be fine over the summer. i know how much he cares about me. i just need to really relax... calm down... stop acting like a crazy person. just the way he talked to me today... "you really expect me to call every day?!". it really hurt. and just kind of set me off. this is our first real fight i think. us talking about this stuff. which i guess considering it's 4 1/2 months in is impressive. but it's the same fight time after time for the past 3 days or so. it needs to end. i just want him to actually acknowledge the things i'm trying to do for him, for us. and maybe sometimes do something sweet back. and i know he is busy, it's just still hard... i guess i'm different. no matter how crazy things get for me, i still try to do something sweet involving him. whether it's an email, a message, a stupid wall post... just to let him know i am thinking about him a little over the course of the day. i guess it's just more of a woman thing. jennifer said she always had that type of argument with alex. and i know i'm on the losing end of it. but i'm just hoping to find a compromise. like he says thank you when i send him a picture of me in his favorite underwear. is that too much to ask for? blah. i need to hurry up and adjust. i think the more i get used to this the better. i know with james last summer once i got in to a groove i was fine. and i will get used to it. i think i need to get in that mindset again.
time to go
i'm having a lot of trouble adjusting down here. And some days are better than others. But hearing people talk about how they get to hang out with friends makes it really tough. like tonight charles is having some people over to hang out and drink and stay the night. and it just really makes me miss doing that type of stuff with my friends. and everyone in the office is 23+. i'm going to a party tonight that one guy in the office is having, but i don't know how it will turn out. my roommate seems to be getting along with them a lot better, mostly because he has a dick. all the women at my firm are either engaged or married or have children. and i'm stuck on their half of the office.
but i feel horrible. all the trouble i'm having i'm laying on charles. i just feel like a huge burden. he just sounds so irritated with me all the time. like he is slowly losing patience. and as jennifer suggested... i'm trying to "can the crazy". but it's really hard. i don't know when he is going to visit, and that is driving me crazy. if i just knew... and being away from him made me realize how much i like him, and i want to tell him, and i can't because we talked about not saying stuff like that till after summer.
how the fuck has it only been 2 weeks. it feels like it's been an eternity. and i miss him so so much. and i'm so jealous that he isn't as miserable as me. which is probably also driving me nuts. i just miss being with him. i haven't gotten along with somebody i'm dating that well since... well... ever? or maybe it was matthew. and that was a good relationship until he turned out to be a failure at life. and i feel good about me and charles. so i really need to can it up, or i'm going to end up driving him away. that's why i'm going to write here more. to can the crazy.
i also think i'm gaining weight. which considering i'm not eating much each day... how? and i wanted to work out more but i'm so tired. i need to start trying to go to our stupid fitness center.
argh. i hate my own brain. i think way too much. i wish i were more outgoing so i could make friends easier. and i wish i weren't trying to cling to charles. i need to relax. i know we are going to be fine over the summer. i know how much he cares about me. i just need to really relax... calm down... stop acting like a crazy person. just the way he talked to me today... "you really expect me to call every day?!". it really hurt. and just kind of set me off. this is our first real fight i think. us talking about this stuff. which i guess considering it's 4 1/2 months in is impressive. but it's the same fight time after time for the past 3 days or so. it needs to end. i just want him to actually acknowledge the things i'm trying to do for him, for us. and maybe sometimes do something sweet back. and i know he is busy, it's just still hard... i guess i'm different. no matter how crazy things get for me, i still try to do something sweet involving him. whether it's an email, a message, a stupid wall post... just to let him know i am thinking about him a little over the course of the day. i guess it's just more of a woman thing. jennifer said she always had that type of argument with alex. and i know i'm on the losing end of it. but i'm just hoping to find a compromise. like he says thank you when i send him a picture of me in his favorite underwear. is that too much to ask for? blah. i need to hurry up and adjust. i think the more i get used to this the better. i know with james last summer once i got in to a groove i was fine. and i will get used to it. i think i need to get in that mindset again.
time to go