Mad World....
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had...
- Gary Jules, Mad World
Er...no, I'm not feeling depressed tonight; I just felt like there were some character paralells between Donnie Darko and I. In the end, he sacrificed himself so the ones he loved would live. He allowed himself to end, because he knew his damaged existence would eventually cause others pain.
When I am in those lowest of lows; it's how I percieve the world, just like that. It took me back to not so long ago....lying in bed, I whole-heartedly believed that if I just went ahead and killed myself, that everyone would be better off.
It's this strange paradox that sometimes I still believe to be true. It seemed like whenever I was the most truly miserable nd hopeless, things were going very well for everyone around me. But when some stuff began going my way, the people around me often began having problems. So I would stare at knives and scissors, and ponder the end of myself. I wanted to do it because I felt like I would be doing everyone a favor.
It's warped and doesn't really make sense, I know. I can't help but still feel that way a lot. Although, after nearly 9 years of dysthymic depression now; I've allowed it to simply become a part of me, and even though I still naturally think these thoughts, even while on my medication, I know I will never actually go through it.
I just felt like ranting about that because watching that warped little movie resurfaced a lot of memories of myself before I had started seeking professional help. Donnie suffered from paranoid schizophrenia in the film; my illness is child's play compared to that...but I felt like I could relate to his warped pattern of thought, because I knew what it felt like, to be isolated in the sickness of the mind.
Anyway....I'm really fine this current moment; I just like to lay out my abstract ranting thoughts sometimes.
That's why I put it in a cut. XD
Now that I've got THAT out of my system....time to go work on By Starlight's latest facelift... (AKA Project TOTAL REVAMP :P)
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had...
- Gary Jules, Mad World
Er...no, I'm not feeling depressed tonight; I just felt like there were some character paralells between Donnie Darko and I. In the end, he sacrificed himself so the ones he loved would live. He allowed himself to end, because he knew his damaged existence would eventually cause others pain.
When I am in those lowest of lows; it's how I percieve the world, just like that. It took me back to not so long ago....lying in bed, I whole-heartedly believed that if I just went ahead and killed myself, that everyone would be better off.
It's this strange paradox that sometimes I still believe to be true. It seemed like whenever I was the most truly miserable nd hopeless, things were going very well for everyone around me. But when some stuff began going my way, the people around me often began having problems. So I would stare at knives and scissors, and ponder the end of myself. I wanted to do it because I felt like I would be doing everyone a favor.
It's warped and doesn't really make sense, I know. I can't help but still feel that way a lot. Although, after nearly 9 years of dysthymic depression now; I've allowed it to simply become a part of me, and even though I still naturally think these thoughts, even while on my medication, I know I will never actually go through it.
I just felt like ranting about that because watching that warped little movie resurfaced a lot of memories of myself before I had started seeking professional help. Donnie suffered from paranoid schizophrenia in the film; my illness is child's play compared to that...but I felt like I could relate to his warped pattern of thought, because I knew what it felt like, to be isolated in the sickness of the mind.
Anyway....I'm really fine this current moment; I just like to lay out my abstract ranting thoughts sometimes.
That's why I put it in a cut. XD
Now that I've got THAT out of my system....time to go work on By Starlight's latest facelift... (AKA Project TOTAL REVAMP :P)