Fear
Fear is a driving force, one that steals time from you and opportunities. It sometimes keeps you from growing and holds you back. I have my share of fears like most normal beings do. The two aches on my back remind me that I need to be careful of where I step at in the woods and to watch out for hornets. Yes, those still hurt occasionally, and so does the place on the side of my head that they stung. I am both scared and fascinated with spiders. From a safe distance or in a web I can deal with them, not crawling or running all over my living area though. I worry constantly that something bad will happen to my children and those I love.
I'm scared to hang out with one of my closest friends. That bothers me more than all the above. I love the man I am with. He's been good to me, hasn't lied or cheated on me....I can not say that for any other guy I've been with. I do not want to do anything to hurt him more than he has been hurt by everyone in his life and out of it. My friend and I have had a strange sort of relationship from the start of our friendship. We are both attracted to each other and I would have dated him seriously...if he had just been honest with me. I am less scared to be with my ex Zak than alone with this friend. I had stronger feelings for Zak and we had alot between us...but with this guy, even the best of intentions end up going wrong.
I can behave and I'm a good girlfriend/wife. I do give tit for tat though. It's easy to do something and not feel bad if your SO has lied to you or cheated on you. But I can behave..except when this friend decides he's not going to play nice and feels he doesn't owe whoever I am with the respect to not attempt or try for me. When he's in a relationship that is going well, I feel like I can hang out, we can flirt and banter back and forth without it going into a make out session or sex. That doesn't work out well though when he's at the end of a relationship or is single. I end up just not seeing him until he's settled down. We can talk and get along pretty good despite the fact that even in a relationship he'll still tell me that he misses what we had and is trying to be a good man/boyfriend so he's going to behave and all with me. It's too easy to get a little too comfortable with him, like he's laying in my lap comfortable or snuggled up comfortable *it doesn't always lead to making out or such, but it's a bit too close and personal for most people to deal with or not think that more is there*.
It's been over a year now since I last saw him alone. He wants to hang out and misses spending as much time as we use to, watching anime, bullshitting, and just being ourselves. I want to hang out and be able to enjoy his company..but I'm scared that he may decide to get too playful and stuff might happen or start to. So I can't. I won't hurt my husband like that. I feel a little deader inside for it though. I have always hated how I can love more than one person and still persist in having feelings for someone long after the fact. He called me tonight because he had a dream and was worried about me. It's funny seeing as how I have been feeling kind of depressed lately and that he would dream something bad then call me tonight on his way home. We've always had this weird connection and it draws us to the other in times when we need comfort or someone just to talk or listen to us.
I'm scared to hang out with one of my closest friends. That bothers me more than all the above. I love the man I am with. He's been good to me, hasn't lied or cheated on me....I can not say that for any other guy I've been with. I do not want to do anything to hurt him more than he has been hurt by everyone in his life and out of it. My friend and I have had a strange sort of relationship from the start of our friendship. We are both attracted to each other and I would have dated him seriously...if he had just been honest with me. I am less scared to be with my ex Zak than alone with this friend. I had stronger feelings for Zak and we had alot between us...but with this guy, even the best of intentions end up going wrong.
I can behave and I'm a good girlfriend/wife. I do give tit for tat though. It's easy to do something and not feel bad if your SO has lied to you or cheated on you. But I can behave..except when this friend decides he's not going to play nice and feels he doesn't owe whoever I am with the respect to not attempt or try for me. When he's in a relationship that is going well, I feel like I can hang out, we can flirt and banter back and forth without it going into a make out session or sex. That doesn't work out well though when he's at the end of a relationship or is single. I end up just not seeing him until he's settled down. We can talk and get along pretty good despite the fact that even in a relationship he'll still tell me that he misses what we had and is trying to be a good man/boyfriend so he's going to behave and all with me. It's too easy to get a little too comfortable with him, like he's laying in my lap comfortable or snuggled up comfortable *it doesn't always lead to making out or such, but it's a bit too close and personal for most people to deal with or not think that more is there*.
It's been over a year now since I last saw him alone. He wants to hang out and misses spending as much time as we use to, watching anime, bullshitting, and just being ourselves. I want to hang out and be able to enjoy his company..but I'm scared that he may decide to get too playful and stuff might happen or start to. So I can't. I won't hurt my husband like that. I feel a little deader inside for it though. I have always hated how I can love more than one person and still persist in having feelings for someone long after the fact. He called me tonight because he had a dream and was worried about me. It's funny seeing as how I have been feeling kind of depressed lately and that he would dream something bad then call me tonight on his way home. We've always had this weird connection and it draws us to the other in times when we need comfort or someone just to talk or listen to us.