December: Greetings.
Alright, college is winding down, save this stupid Sociology class that I just want it to be over and done with already. I hate that class. It's too vague. I need guidelines and rules. xD
This semester has brought my GPA down a lot though.
I got a C in my StatII class. I am not shure about
what I got in my English class but I am assuming I
got a B because I was lazy and I didn't go to school
two times and my papers were Bs because I did them last
minute. xD Yeah, I know. I take responsibility for my
grades this semester, maybe not so much math because I've
never really been that strong in math but I definitely should
have gotten an A in my English class but I didn't read a lot
of the short stories, so I did poorly on my quizzes. I don't
know his class just got way too boring after awhile and I wasn't
motivated to do anything. Plus, he kept picking shitty ass stories to
read and I love reading, but some of the short stories, I had to wonder
why they were even considered a short story when they didn't follow the
"normal layout" of a short story (according to his definition anyways.)
I just had a couple of rough emotional months. There's a lot of new that
I need to get used to and a lot of reality checks.
I had to accept a few things that I wasn't really comfortable with accepting.
I have to again accept money from my parents just so I can get health insurance
at my job, but since I get paid such shit, it takes away at least half my paycheck
each month. So I have to...well not have to my parents insist on giving me money.
And I kind of need it, so I can pay for school and stuff. But I don't know, I hate
taking money from them because I know they pay for so much of my stuff. I appreciate it
of course, I love them to death and I know I would be nowhere without them. I don't
take them for granted and I appreciate everything they do for me. Just feel like
I am not learning anything, esp how to take care of myself and pay for my own things.
My parents tell me not to worry, "you're only 20 years old, you're a kid still, enjoy
it while you can. It's okay." I feel guilty still but it is what it is. I am so greatfull
for such amazing parents.
Ryan and I are in constant flux but its more of my emotional disturbances that
constantly fuck everything up. Because I am such a mess on the inside and full of
insecurities. Every time something goes wrong I freak out when he's just chill and says
"Laura, why didn't you just tell me? It's fine," he laughs, "Don't be afraid to tell me
things, I can take it. We can talk about stuff. If I say something that bothers you or
do something that bothers you let me know and we'll talk about it." He's so good with me
though, he really is. He's amazing and I truly love him. Any other guy would have been like
"fuck this shit." and left but Ryan, nah he sticks around listens to me and tries to cheer me
up. When I get anxious or upset he asks how I am feeling and if I want to talk about it.
We always wind up talking for like an hour or so just about how we feel. He tries to relate
to me if he can and if he can't he just listens and rubs my back. He tries to get me to
see things under different light. Ryan's just a wonderful, wonderful human being and I am
so glad that I met him and that we're together. I mean, he's not perfect and nor am I.
He still needs to work on his communication just as I. He has some growing up to do himself
but that'll come in time. He's only 21 so I guess yes he's still very much a boy. But I
still love him.
In fact I miss him today. I've been missing him a lot lately. We haven't really gotten
to hang out for too long because he's been coming home from work late. We haven't had
just like a night together without worrying that I have to be home in an hour or something.
Tomorrow's Monday though, and the restaurant is closed on Monday so we should have a nice
evening together tomorrow since my English class is done for the semester. So all I have to do
is go to work tomorrow and then after work I can go hang out with Ryan until 12.
As for my psychotic break downs they have lessened in intensity.
I haven't had a really bad panic attack since maybe, the middle of Nov.
And even that attack wasn't as severe as the first one in September, that
was fucking scary. My whole body went numb and I couldn't move for an hour
because I was puffed up with adrenaline and crap. Thought I was going to have a
heart attack or something. Been having bi-monthly psychology sessions. SO I am back
to that again. It's been alright. Just a lot of the things I want to do are a tad
out of reach....
I don't know. Can only get better then, hopefully.
Who knows what 2012 will bring...besides the "end."
This semester has brought my GPA down a lot though.
I got a C in my StatII class. I am not shure about
what I got in my English class but I am assuming I
got a B because I was lazy and I didn't go to school
two times and my papers were Bs because I did them last
minute. xD Yeah, I know. I take responsibility for my
grades this semester, maybe not so much math because I've
never really been that strong in math but I definitely should
have gotten an A in my English class but I didn't read a lot
of the short stories, so I did poorly on my quizzes. I don't
know his class just got way too boring after awhile and I wasn't
motivated to do anything. Plus, he kept picking shitty ass stories to
read and I love reading, but some of the short stories, I had to wonder
why they were even considered a short story when they didn't follow the
"normal layout" of a short story (according to his definition anyways.)
I just had a couple of rough emotional months. There's a lot of new that
I need to get used to and a lot of reality checks.
I had to accept a few things that I wasn't really comfortable with accepting.
I have to again accept money from my parents just so I can get health insurance
at my job, but since I get paid such shit, it takes away at least half my paycheck
each month. So I have to...well not have to my parents insist on giving me money.
And I kind of need it, so I can pay for school and stuff. But I don't know, I hate
taking money from them because I know they pay for so much of my stuff. I appreciate it
of course, I love them to death and I know I would be nowhere without them. I don't
take them for granted and I appreciate everything they do for me. Just feel like
I am not learning anything, esp how to take care of myself and pay for my own things.
My parents tell me not to worry, "you're only 20 years old, you're a kid still, enjoy
it while you can. It's okay." I feel guilty still but it is what it is. I am so greatfull
for such amazing parents.
Ryan and I are in constant flux but its more of my emotional disturbances that
constantly fuck everything up. Because I am such a mess on the inside and full of
insecurities. Every time something goes wrong I freak out when he's just chill and says
"Laura, why didn't you just tell me? It's fine," he laughs, "Don't be afraid to tell me
things, I can take it. We can talk about stuff. If I say something that bothers you or
do something that bothers you let me know and we'll talk about it." He's so good with me
though, he really is. He's amazing and I truly love him. Any other guy would have been like
"fuck this shit." and left but Ryan, nah he sticks around listens to me and tries to cheer me
up. When I get anxious or upset he asks how I am feeling and if I want to talk about it.
We always wind up talking for like an hour or so just about how we feel. He tries to relate
to me if he can and if he can't he just listens and rubs my back. He tries to get me to
see things under different light. Ryan's just a wonderful, wonderful human being and I am
so glad that I met him and that we're together. I mean, he's not perfect and nor am I.
He still needs to work on his communication just as I. He has some growing up to do himself
but that'll come in time. He's only 21 so I guess yes he's still very much a boy. But I
still love him.
In fact I miss him today. I've been missing him a lot lately. We haven't really gotten
to hang out for too long because he's been coming home from work late. We haven't had
just like a night together without worrying that I have to be home in an hour or something.
Tomorrow's Monday though, and the restaurant is closed on Monday so we should have a nice
evening together tomorrow since my English class is done for the semester. So all I have to do
is go to work tomorrow and then after work I can go hang out with Ryan until 12.
As for my psychotic break downs they have lessened in intensity.
I haven't had a really bad panic attack since maybe, the middle of Nov.
And even that attack wasn't as severe as the first one in September, that
was fucking scary. My whole body went numb and I couldn't move for an hour
because I was puffed up with adrenaline and crap. Thought I was going to have a
heart attack or something. Been having bi-monthly psychology sessions. SO I am back
to that again. It's been alright. Just a lot of the things I want to do are a tad
out of reach....
I don't know. Can only get better then, hopefully.
Who knows what 2012 will bring...besides the "end."